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Original poster

Tricky in-laws. To go for Christmas or be selfish?

87 replies

sellotape12 · 07/10/2023 18:16

Anyone else feel divided about where to spend Christmas each year? I feel really guilty even writing this, but i dread going to the in-laws. My parents are 3.5 hours away and the in-laws are 6 hours away.
We feel we ought to spend it with them this year because we didn’t go to them the last two years. DH’s sister hosted last year and the year before they chose to spend it alone due to covid fears.

My son isn’t good with long car journeys, so we would need to spend more time driving or break overnight. The in-laws are evangelical Christians, so Christmas for them is only a religious holiday and subsequently there isn’t much festive cheer or even decorations. I’m certainly not bothered about presents but it’s quite a solemn day. Is it selfish to be even thinking of my toddler? Secondly, FIL is on the autism spectrum, so he doesn’t interact with my son. He wouldn’t, for example, share a game with him, help with dressing or feeding. He also struggles to participate in conversation or respond to social norms, so it means getting cornered by his monologues relating to his interests only (roofing materials, motorway data, local council stuff). I really sympathise because this isn’t somebody who’s being rude, it’s just the way his brain works – it’s just that it makes our Christmas break feel quite stilted.
Meanwhile, MIL is a bit passive aggressive. I don’t think it’s malicious, but because they’re both very set in their ways, she can’t help make little remarks when we do things that are not exactly to the lifestyle. She will likely spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day running their local food bank which I admire but secretly wish she’d make more time for her grandson. I feel horrible because maybe Christmas is about sacrifice and spending it with your family, but I would just love to relax instead.

Another option is we rent an Airbnb or something near their house so we have our own space. Or, we spend it with my parents. They have a tiny house with not much space or money but loads of cheer and love and fun and help. But I would just feel guilty going there twice in a row.

We offered to host the in-laws, but they don’t want to do that because they like their own home and don’t want to put their dogs in kennels. I’m a bit stuck between feeling duty-bound and kind of wanting my own Christmas break. Btw my husband’s view is he really doesn’t want to go.
Am I missing another option?

OP posts:
Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 07:59

@Oioicaptain thanks so much, that’s such a good way of thinking about it. (Honestly, if somebody else was asking me this, or it was a problem at work, I will be able to solve it! When things are personal or up in front of you, it clouds your judgement!)

we are seeing them next week, so we will broach it as “do you have any ideas?” Etc

OP posts:
Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 08:05

@mollyfolk @DeclineandFall @PinkDaffodil2 and @Aquamarine1029

i know I know! It does sound miserable doesn’t it? I think I just don’t want to cause any further decline of my husband’s relationship with his parents (it’s not bad, it’s just flatlined). We’ve never asked ourselves what would make a good Christmas for us? In truth it would be

  • silly games and to see the joy on children’s faces
  • some nice food or snacks and sharing the cooking
  • to laugh so much we snort
  • A nice walk in the country on Boxing Day or another day
  • …… none of this will be achieved at the in-laws’ 😬 they have moved to the inner city to help with food banks and the poverty crisis, they don’t have a sense of humour or play games. Cooking the Christmas dinner is a big deal for them, but nobody is allowed to help because of their obsession with order.
OP posts:
Phineyj · 08/10/2023 09:04

It takes two to tango, OP!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations Families
strawberry2017 · 08/10/2023 09:15

They don't actually sound like they want to spend Christmas with you.
It's great that she volunteers but when your family has come so far to visit you then you spend it with them: you enjoy the time together.
Don't go. Don't go anywhere. Stay at home and do what you want to as a family. Make it about you and not everyone else!

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 08/10/2023 09:16

@sellotape12.. You are stepping into unasked for women's work.
Has your dh asked you to support him in his relationships with his parents?

It's just I've been there and done it also, trying to step in, buy them gifts on his behalf and so on, encourage him to see them...

They didn't appreciate my behind the scenes work, it created a false environment not supported by dh and I realise now how patronising it was of me to step in where I was not asked to by my own dh and complicate his relationships.

olympicsrock · 08/10/2023 09:29

Just enjoy your own Christmas at home. You have your own child now . Invite the grandparents to join you (each set alternate years first). I suspect yours will come and his won’t.

6 hours drive in winter is too far - it’s not personal.

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 09:37

Clear cut case of stay home. Life's too short for this shit.

jlpth · 08/10/2023 09:46

sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 07:59

@Oioicaptain thanks so much, that’s such a good way of thinking about it. (Honestly, if somebody else was asking me this, or it was a problem at work, I will be able to solve it! When things are personal or up in front of you, it clouds your judgement!)

we are seeing them next week, so we will broach it as “do you have any ideas?” Etc

I'd definitely not broach it as "do you have any ideas".

I would broach it as we have idea X and idea Y, would either of those suit you?

That way whatever happens is something that is acceptable to you, rather than something that is difficult, annoying or shit for you.

I would suggest the ideas might be New Year or earlier in December.

CeriB82 · 08/10/2023 09:48

just say no.

how difficult can it be? You are your own family.

every year there are countless threads in the same thing.

JUST SAY NO

Theprincessisblanketed · 08/10/2023 09:48

If they don't do Christmas as a big family time celebration then just visit them on a different day. I get that you feel guilty but they probably don't see it the way you do.

SallyWD · 08/10/2023 09:51

Spend it at home but invite them to yours?

MorrisWallpaper · 08/10/2023 09:52

It’s not your job to micromanage your DH’s relationship with his parents, be it positive or strained.

Your husband says he doesn’t want to go to his parents for Christmas. Why do you see it as your responsibility to override this? Stay at home, have fun!

pollyroo · 08/10/2023 09:59

Oh god. I wouldn't do a 6 hour journey there op. I would be using the journey time as a cop out every. Single. Time.

Also sounds like they aren't exactly over the moon with your presence there anyhow.... would have thought they might have made a little more effort for the kids at least.

It's a nope from me.

VineRipened · 08/10/2023 10:04

There is no reason to spend Christmas at your ILs.

Their Christmas is religious and running the food bank. Which is presumably important to them.

Spend family time with them at another time of year. Don’t impose wrapping paper and stockings and Father Christmas on them to appease your own unnecessary sense of obligation and guilt.

mrsbyers · 08/10/2023 10:07

I’d just stay at home plenty of other times during the year to visit either parents

BlackeyedSusan · 08/10/2023 10:17

Stay home every Christmas. You don't have to visit anyone.

Fil would probably prefer it. You definitely would.

Original poster
sellotape12 · 08/10/2023 10:27

Yes and FIL’s birthday is early Jan so we can make me big show of that instead

OP posts:
SquirrelFeeder · 08/10/2023 12:58

mrstea301 · 07/10/2023 18:19

It sounds like you have a prime opportunity to visit them outwith Christmas and it won't feel like an obligation x

Outwith? Typo?

MorrisWallpaper · 08/10/2023 13:00

SquirrelFeeder · 08/10/2023 12:58

Outwith? Typo?

Show quote history

Normal Scottish usage? Possibly also elsewhere.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 08/10/2023 13:05

Do they want a big show of fils bday?

They don't sound like those sorts.

Thedrownedprophet · 08/10/2023 13:28

What does outwith mean?

TotalOverhaul · 08/10/2023 13:34

Don't spend it with them. They don't celebrate it in the way you do. And they will want to be at church most of the time. Visit between Christmas and New year if you need to see them. but 6 hours is a very long drive for a toddler. You can legitimately invite them to you, knowing they;ll turn you down, until your DC are older.

DeclineandFall · 08/10/2023 13:41

Outwith is a Scottish word that basically means outside or beyond. It's really common and is a proper word not slang. It is used in Northern Ireland as well but maybe not so commonly.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/10/2023 15:03

Screamingabdabz · 07/10/2023 18:24

No. Six hour drive to spend Christmas with boring joyless fuckers who don’t even make an effort when you are there? (And I speak as a Christian). Fuck that shit. Prioritise your little one and make Christmas magical for them however you choose to do it.

This!

My husband’s view is he really doesn’t want to go.

You've offered the in-laws to come to you and they don't want to. Your DH doesn't want to - he's probably had his fill of Christmas at his folks as its not a big deal for them.

You seem desperately anxious to be accommodating and fair to them. No one is making you divide the time between your Mum and them.

If you enjoy spending time at your mum's and she enjoys having you - why do you have to ration it? You are projecting feelings on the PILs which they don't appear to have. It's not a priority for them.

Why sacrifice yourselves to please people who don't seem that bothered about the whole Christmas notion as you see it? That is just people pleasing but based on what you imagine will please them, not on the reality.

This is the only time in your life you will have the delight of your children being so young at Christmas. So make the absolute most of it. Don't waste that by doing duty visits to people who won't even appreciate what you are trying to do.
Visit them some other time, just not at Christmas.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/10/2023 15:12

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 08/10/2023 13:05

Do they want a big show of fils bday?

They don't sound like those sorts.

Sorry just spotted this.
This is what I mean by projecting feelings onto your PILs that are not really there. Why do you need to make a "big show"? it sounds like more sacrificing (six-hour drives etc) to please others.

You are going into overdrive on this, with high expectations. It's asking for disappointment and underwhelming visits. They are not going to change their ways and respond in the way you would like.

I'm not criticising your preferences, I would prefer to deal with someone who likes to enter into the spirit of Christmas and birthdays as you do, but it takes all sorts and your PILs just don't sound as enthusiastic about these things as you are, so save it for your own family.

I think you should be guided by DH as he knows them best and make sure your time and efforts are focused more on your own little family unit and what suits them best. That is not to say ignore your PILs at all - but don't think you need to make big gestures to them as it's not their thing.