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If you've been ditched by a best friend how long did it take to get over it?

123 replies

Chevrom192 · 07/10/2023 14:51

My best friend of 30 years 'dumped' me 6 months ago. Nothing I'd done wrong, she'd just out grown the friendship but she cut all contact before I could even reply. It was absolutely brutal and I'm still reeling from it. I cant believe I'll never see her again.

If anyone's been through similar, how long did it take you to feel normal again? I get waves of sadness and anger and I wish I could just switch it off.

I've got a full, busy life and other people more deserving of my love/time/energy. I'm trying to focus on that but it's so difficult.

OP posts:
followingthebreath · 07/10/2023 20:25

Not the same but I ended a friendship this week, for the right reasons and we're both sad but know it's the right thing. But reading these messages makes me realise it's okay to be as hugely hurt and angry and in pain...
Thank you for being honest, friendships mean something, they really matter and it's okay to feel dreadful when they end.

Thepossibility · 07/10/2023 20:26

She stopped talking to me after I had my third child.
She had already reduced contact after my second.
I know it was hard for her because she tried for years and could never get pregnant.
No hard feelings, I understand.

MothralovesGojira · 07/10/2023 20:33

10 years ago and I don't think I will ever get over it. We had been like sisters for 6 years. I supported her and her kids when her husband was arrested and prosecuted for assaulting their kids (not SA) and was always available for what ever she needed. Then I went through the most awful 48 hours in my life when my youngest DC nearly died and my dad died suddenly the following day. She started distancing herself and avoiding me and when I asked for some support she just stopped acknowledging me. She walked past me at the school gates and has never said another word to me - ever. I wasn't the only one as she never said another word to any other parent friends at school either - absolutely none.
This all coincided with her dating someone new and giving him a very sanitised version of what had happened with her husband and her own part in the whole sorry affair - she ignored the husband's behaviour because it suited her and she resented two of her kids (horrible I know). The whole thing sent me in to an awful pit of depression for quite a few years and I don't think that I will ever forgive her for giving me such a thorough kicking while I was on my knees and needed some support.

ValancyRedfern · 07/10/2023 20:34

When I was 10 I had two best friends, one in school and one outside of school. Then the outside school friend joined my school and both my best friends went off together dropping me like a hot coal. It was the worst heart break I've ever experienced, worse than any romantic break up since. I lost all my confidence and started refusing to go to school. Losing a friend can be brutal!

reallyworriedjobhunter · 07/10/2023 20:42

Thirty years ago my best friend at high school totally cut me off. I am still so sad about it as I really loved her company.

Just recently I found her on Instagram. I would love to be in touch with her again but I keep having to tell myself that I hadn't done anything wrong and it was her behaviour that was out of order. I wish it had never happened and that she was still my friend. I still miss her.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2023 20:43

Californiabound · 07/10/2023 20:09

That's mental @TheFormidableMrsC ,i will never understand people.

I do realise that a cancer diagnosis is upsetting. I just expected more from her. I'd gone above and beyond over the years. To be fair, she had also gone above and beyond for me. However, this was a crisis she couldn't deal with. I had enough going on so it was "bye" from me.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/10/2023 20:54

Further to my earlier post, it's not quite friendship as such but my ex MIL. We were so close (she was my ex husbands step mum and had been in his life since he was five years old). We had the best relationship and I loved her to bits. When ex left me for somebody else, she travelled down from Yorkshire to see me frequently, was very hands on with my kids, told me I'd need a lot of support with my DS who had just been diagnosed with autism. Told me that her impending retirement would mean that she could be far more hands on. She was very angry with her stepson and the way he treated us. Then one day she just cut me off. Just like that. I grieved as if she'd died. It took me several years to come to terms with. I lost my mum when I was 30 and she'd been a mum to me. She was my go to for all things mum. It was incredibly cruel, I never found out why. I didn't do anything wrong. I often wonder if she has any regrets as I am aware she's had a tough time because my ex FIL was diagnosed with an awful illness and she knows I would have been her wingwoman. I will never know what happened there and I'm at peace with it now. However, if she ever got in touch, I'd be there immediately 🤷🏻‍♀️

RedRobyn2021 · 07/10/2023 21:02

Best friends for 12 years, I don't know what happened but I think things changed when I had my DD a couple of years ago. Things changed but I didn't realise, then all of a sudden it was over and I'm left asking myself what I did wrong.

It's hard because they're so intrinsically part of your memories and life that if it goes wrong it colours every moment.

I also had a best friend age 10-18 who started leaving me out of things (I was going through a hard time and retrospectively it was probably because I was a bit of downer) so I told them I would remove myself if I wasn't wanted. She never once reached out to me after that, but a few years later we met up and it was crazy how different her perspective was on the situation

Tarquina · 07/10/2023 21:02

I was suddenly, shockingly, dumped by my bestie, who meant the world to me as I have very few friends. We'd been so close for 15 years and although we lived 200 miles apart she would come and stay with me for a few days a few times a year, the rest of the time we had long phone chats.

I cried and cried for weeks, wrote her a letter, which (she told me in a brief text message) she tore up without reading.

Her reason was, she believed that I had made up having a medical condition. I hadn't, and I still have that condition.

Seven years later I still have not got over her utter cold cruelty towards me, after all I'd done for her and all I thought we meant to one another.

Chevrom192 · 07/10/2023 21:23

Imreallytiredandanxioustoday · 07/10/2023 18:37

Friend of 25 years. Got offended about something that I did which wasn't personal at all. 7 years later it still really hurts. I miss having that person and I don't trust any of my new 'friends' in case they hurt me too
We got on really well and shared a lot of stuff.
It changed me as a person and that makes me sad

I understand the issue with trust now too. I feel like any of my other friends could ditch me at any moment. It's also shaken my trust in DH and we've been together and solid for 25 years. I just think if she can get bored/fed up of me and cut me off so easily then anyone can!

OP posts:
catscalledbeanz · 07/10/2023 21:23

It's been two years since I arguably dropped my best friend. She had been so atrocious toward me though, that I can't escape the idea that she was sabotaging the relationship intentionally. Previously she'd cut me off when she started a fresh new life, but had eventually contacted me after a few years. When I dropped her she'd just begun another "fresh new start" and I believe she wanted to cut me out and drop any who had connection with her previous self off, but that she was too afraid to do it herself. I cannot think of any other reason for her dreadful treatment of me in the week before I ended it.

It hurts still. Alongside my husband she was one of the two people who really knew and got me. There is no one in this world that I laugh more with than her. I don't think I will ever have that connection to another friend in my lifetime. It was one of the most important relationships of my life. I had thought that she would be my friend forever. But I couldn't be treated that way and couldn't let my children be treated badly either. I miss her deeply, and often have imagined conversations with her.

Chevrom192 · 07/10/2023 21:30

Thankyou all so much for sharing your stories with me. They've been so helpful to read.

This is all magnified as my lovely Dad has cancer. My friend didn't know at the time as he wanted to deal with it privately. We're still keeping it between close family so she wouldn't have been able to support me through it but to lose my best friend on top of this is just a lot.

OP posts:
mummummummummummummmmmmy · 07/10/2023 21:31

YukoandHiro · 07/10/2023 16:24

Tbh if I were you I would send an email to an account that you know is still operational (eg her work address) from a new gmail account, setting out your feelings. Just for closure.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. I think some people believe it's possible to change the past by just dropping people but it's not, and it's definitely her problem and not anything you've done

No, don't.

anon0007 · 07/10/2023 21:32

It took me a couple of years.

niclw · 07/10/2023 21:40

I had to drop a friend of mine and it tore me apart. For me it was to protect my own mental health. I was single, moving house temporarily while my new build was finished while being bullied by my boss at work and waiting for my notice to end so I could start a new job. While this was happening my friend who was pregnant was being subjected to domestic violence. She was thrown down the stairs on one occasion, had to leg it out of the house without shoes on a another as partner was so violent. I tried to support her in every way I could but she was 100 miles away and phoned me 5+ times a day including while I was teaching. My boss used it as an opportunity to beat me down further. My friend finally left her partner and I phoned her after a particularly bad day at work. She answered the phone and said she would call back in 2 hours. I didn't hear from her for over 2 weeks. By that point I realised that I was doing all of the supporting and she wasn't going to be there for me. I know that she had been through a really tough time but I just couldn't cope with any more and had to cut her off. I have found out that after she had her baby she moved back to her parents so i knew she was safe and it gave me a chance to sort my own mental health. I would love to get back in touch but I know from the texts that I received that I really hurt her. I would love for our dc to meet but I won't hurt her further by getting in touch.

guantesa · 07/10/2023 21:44

Not the ditchee but the ditcher. I'd been through something, felt like a burden on everyone so isolated myself. Had treatment for PTSD and depression and once in recovery it was as if a fog lifted and I could see the reality of what I'd done. Have regretted it every day since but I'm not the person I was before ptsd, I never will be. Breaks my heart that she could be on this thread.

Paynefully · 07/10/2023 21:52

Just to chuck my two pence in as the ‘dumper’ rather than the ‘dumpee’

Ive not long broken off a friendship of 15ish years; known each other since school, very close friends for a long long time but we sadly grew very different. We both had completely different social lives, careers, opinions.. personalities even. To be completely honest and fair to her, she out the effort in to make it work; I can’t say she stopped checking in, or stopped making conversation. She did put in the work to hold our friendship.
It was me that gave up. I just stopped enjoying talking to her, I did try and keep in some contact and just distance myself a little.. but I was finding that each time she spoke to me I was getting more irritated. (She likes to tell little gibs here and there, none that ever caused any hurt but just annoying, obvious little fibs) and eventually I just couldn’t tolerate her anymore.. so rather than get to the point of not actually liking her I just cut contact. I just grew tired of being her friend and it was neither her fault or mine. We’re just different people on two very different pages of life right now.

I feel like it can’t really be helped; and most people don’t want to hurt each others feelings. But how does one ever end a friendship without offence?

Chevrom192 · 07/10/2023 21:55

guantesa · 07/10/2023 21:44

Not the ditchee but the ditcher. I'd been through something, felt like a burden on everyone so isolated myself. Had treatment for PTSD and depression and once in recovery it was as if a fog lifted and I could see the reality of what I'd done. Have regretted it every day since but I'm not the person I was before ptsd, I never will be. Breaks my heart that she could be on this thread.

Have you thought about reaching out? I'd take my friend back in a heartbeat if this was the reason.

OP posts:
arcadiamadia · 07/10/2023 22:13

I'm the dumper in this situation too. I know if ex bf was here she would say she was baffled by my decision but honestly she did quite a few things contrary to my values and the pandemic brought it home really strongly to me (to give just one example
she was a proud anti vaxxer). I don't think there is a way to say that you don't agree with some fundamental life decisions and there comes a point when you need to know that your friends are good people.

Moofart · 07/10/2023 22:23

This happened to me. No explanation as to why. It hurt so badly at the time. There was also a grief to it... shock, sadness, anger. Though the rawness has eased with time, I'm left with more of a 'fuck her' attitude. Who does that! I sometimes daydream of bumping in to her so I can explain the impact of what she did (though in reality I probably wouldnt) or her apologising but I know it's not coming. I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of all don't blame your self... she wasn't a friend because real friends don't do that x

Thisisashocker · 07/10/2023 22:27

I dumped a friend after 30 years. She has consistently fallen out with every mutual friend we have and unfortunately she was yet again very rude and hostile to me a few months ago.Witnessed by two other friends! I finally decided that I had given her too many chances over the years and was not prepared to be the victim again!
The only mistake I have made was to allow her to be so rude and PA and allow it to happen again!
I blocked her on every form of contact she could use and haven’t heard from her again. TBH if a friend of mine became completely un contactable and I had a clear conscience I would definitely of called at their house to check they are ok ..am guessing she probably has a little voice in her head that makes her realise that she had pushed her luck too far !!

VeronicaFranklin · 07/10/2023 22:39

Bit of al long one but I have ended two long standing friendships with friends that I saw as sisters. It's part liberating but also sad and uncomfortable as you sort of mourn the loss of them at the same time as knowing it's the right decision. It's a weird feeling.

One was because my friend had changed massively (as we all do over the years) but the fun, kind person I had known since school had slowly become someone who constantly b*tched about others when I was in her company, was constantly negative about everything in life and jealous of others and the bitter person she had become was draining me every time I saw her. After spending time with her, I felt angry/bitter/resentful of others myself and it took a long time for me to realise she had become very toxic influence in my life.

Things came to a head when I began doing well at work, bought my first house, got engaged and she just could not be happy for me... and instead turned her resentment onto my achievements and her b*tchiness turned on me. So I cut her off. It was really hard because of all the wonderful years of friendship we had experienced but in reality I think I had outgrown our friendship some years before but had felt the need to continue it for 'old times sake'. Still I think of her now and again and wish her well. We still have other friends in common and from what I gather, she has not changed. So I feel my decision was the right one.

The other friendship ended when I realised I was always the one offering help/organising to do nice things and making lots of effort which was never reciprocated. Again this friend could never meet me halfway with effort and it become apparent I was only needed when she wanted something. I realised that when her life was going well, she never bothered with me yet the moment she had some drama she would come knocking at my door asking for help. I also realised that I seemed to be some sort of benefactor to her as I would always be the one paying for everything. It was long standing friendship that I came away wondering if we had ever been as close as I thought or had I just been used.

In both cases it's taken me a few years to fully come to terms with the fact that two people who I loved like sisters and always assumed would be a big part of my life are no longer part of it. I think whether you're the dumpee or the dumper it's a difficult thing to come to terms with, because of the memories, the feelings and the societal value we place on needing friends to get on in life.

What I have learnt, is that life goes on. We change, we evolve and we grow and everything is temporary so my only advice would be to just let it be and keep moving forward, looking to the past is not always helpful.

Titective · 07/10/2023 22:48

Yes. Took me about 2 years but genuinely I'm so much better off without her! F of a F stays in touch with her and her life is not going well. Which is good to hear (she dumped me in a brutal way and karma is hitting her hard).

RowenaEllis · 07/10/2023 22:56

This happened to me - best friend of around ten years. We had been inseparable at one point, had got less close but I did something that pissed her off and she cut me off. After a couple of months of silence and ignoring me she replied calling me horrible things and accusing me of acting in ways which I really genuinely hadn't and by which point I had decided that I didn't need it. We never spoke since.
I was sad for a long time but after 3 years or so I properly moved on. I don't regret the loss now. Looking back there were red flags I ignored for the sake of the good things, but they bit me in the bum in the end.

Beautiful3 · 07/10/2023 23:13

It took me 2 years to get over, but kept thinking about her for 5 years. Don't think about her anymore.