If you've been ditched by a best friend how long did it take to get over it?

[Chevrom192]

My best friend of 30 years 'dumped' me 6 months ago. Nothing I'd done wrong, she'd just out grown the friendship but she cut all contact before I could even reply. It was absolutely brutal and I'm still reeling from it. I cant believe I'll never see her again.

If anyone's been through similar, how long did it take you to feel normal again? I get waves of sadness and anger and I wish I could just switch it off.

I've got a full, busy life and other people more deserving of my love/time/energy. I'm trying to focus on that but it's so difficult.

Ghosted! Not hosted.

Your last paragraph is what I need to remember when I'm mourning over the loss of my best friend of 40 years. She was like a different person the last couple of years and became a horrible bitch so I need to adopt your last paragraph as my mantra

2 years and still "what the hell has happened", but nothing acrimonious.

Just gone from her daily "no one understands me like you do", "can you be the godparent?" to

• moved away
• mental health breakdown, pushing everyone away
• finding Internet space filling all her social and mental health needs

and it's been hard squeezing a few words out of her ever since. People do drift naturally, but this abrupt shift has been hurtful, my milestone birthday went unacknowledged, me reaching out - completely ignored or met with bored disengaged tone. Lots of people have mental health issues, but if you are being pushed away continuously for 2 years, that's a lot of time, even if couple of meet-ups were 'effortless and like no time has passed'.

Just spent time looking up my ex+friend as a result of this thread. No social profile for her, or (now adult) dc, but her husband has some interesting articles relating to him.

Probably about 3 years.
My BF remarried in 2018 a man much younger than her who always liked a drink and used drugs. They married and had a turbulent marriage which I continued to support her through until her husband physically assaulted me a year later. Despite telling her about the incident and showing her a photo of the bruising she chose to disbelief me - I guess accepting it happened would mean she was married to an abusive man and be exposing her kids to an abusive step-dad.

I was unable to continue to have a friendship with her. For personal safety, for self respect, for my mental well-being. She found it easier to cut contact. I grieved a lot initially. Then went through worry for her and her kids. Distance really helped. I started going to new places, making new friends and joining new groups and thought about her less and less. Now, all I feel is relief. My life is free of the drama, emotional expense and I have much more balanced friendship. It will get better OP

Yes and it felt worse than any relationship break up I had ever had including finishing with my first love.
Like you, there was no bust up, no conversation, no closure just here 'one day gone the next'.
She blocked me on everything so I wrote her a few letters which I never posted. It helped a little to get the feelings off my chest and onto paper.
I don't think about her much anymore but saw her from a distance recently and I could feel myself starting to cry as I would have loved if she had of stayed in my life, met my kids and DH. She had been a wonderful, fun friend. The gap felt huge when she left.

Thinking of you OP I hope you have other lovely people in your life to support you

That’s truly awful. You should have pressed charges.

Reading through this is is fascinating knowing others have been through the same and it seems to validate my feelings - a luxury not afforded having been ghosted. The feeling of bereavement seems to be a theme,
I wonder if there is an element of

• sunk cost syndrome
• breaking a habit
• rose tinted glasses at the best of times (and ignoring the worst)
• rejection and all that it conjures.

I hope the OP and everyone else feeling less isolated and strengthened by our collective experiences! We are obviously not alone,

I had a close mummy friend. Our eldest were the same ages and seemed close (as much as preschoolers can). Our youngest were a year difference, but seemed also to be close. We were close. I confided about my marriage difficulties, she talked about her youngest's chronic health issues. When she and youngest had to have a prolonged stay in hospital I went to visit and I took food, I also dropped off special (suiting dietary needs) homemade dinners for the family when she got home. I was aware I leaned on her, so went out of my way to support her in return. More that what I've listed above, but just wanted to demonstrate it wasn't one-way traffic.

Then one day she just stopped talking to me. no replies to texts. No reply to birthday invitations. No birthday invitations for my two. Blanked at the school gate.

My eldest later went on to be diagnosed with ADHD and ASD and at that age was a particular handful. I was fully aware he was 'extra' (although SEN hadn't crossed my mind at that point) and parented hard, but he was challenging and not always easy for other parents or his friends to deal with. Without a diagnosis perhaps she just thought he was a bully and I was a crap mum? I don't know. It's the only thing I can think of.

I really cared about her and loved her children, especially her youngest. I've moved away now so never see them, but I hope that little one is OK and coping OK with her health. I wish I knew.

CatMattress Blanked at the school gate? Pretending she never knew you? Or just obviously tried to avoid you? That is just too harsh, sorry you had to experience this 😔

Of course you may know the situation more fully than the Internet stranger will ever comprehend from short story, but for me the plausible scenario - may not be much to do with your son. Probably something else got on her mind fully and she had deprioritized you completely as result and then is embarrassed about it, so avoiding you even more than having to explain. (Incredibly common scenario actually!). Maybe combination - differences in viewpoint was a dealbreaker for her and she just pulled away mentally. (Many folks with autistic traits often do this, I have seen many broken friendships over this in ND world)

Regardless of this, sorry it happened for you

I have already commented previously on this thread. It took me a couple of years to get over a childhood friend ghosting me. This friend reconnected when I was getting married (coincidentally when she was having fertility problems). I invited her and her family, who confirmed but never showed up. Reconnected with me again during covid, as she couldnt cope well with lock down. After covid she invited my closest friend, who she knew a little to her wedding but not me! Suprise suprise, i was ghosted again. I seem to be her emotional crutch, whenever she felt down in life. She tried to reconnect again last month, to tell me about her family member dying. I just sent a brief message of condolence. Then stopped myself from messaging her further. Because she has never been a good friend, she uses people when she's down. If she wants to use people, she can use someone else. She actually lost a very loyal, nice and kind friend. So it sucks to be her!!! I've lost nothing and have a wonderful life and family. But I am extremely guarded when making new friends, I never let them get too close. Because I never want to hurt again, if we break up. As a result most of my friends are more acquaintances, but that's my choice. I'd never allow another friend to feel like a sister again.

Just before Covid hit, fell out with my best mate. We did a lot together, just the two of us, our families and a lot with another friend.

We have children the same age, hers had recently had an ASD diagnosis. Over the years she'd struggled with his behaviour - mainly disbelief, which I understand, but she constantly used mine as a "it was his fault!" pawn. I turned a blind eye most of the time, mine was far from angelic, but it wore me down.

I eventually snapped when her son hurt mine physically, and she preceded to tell me how much she felt sorry for her son (nothing about mine). I sat back for a time and felt a bit used, really all I was good for was being a scapegoat and it felt a bit crap. She had no care about my feelings ultimately.

Was so hurt at first, particularly as her friendship with our other friend continued massively and was splashed all over SM.

Over time a realised though that she wasn't a good friend. She had no care over how s* she made me feel at times, so I'm well rid!

I do agree with a previous poster though, it felt almost like I was grieving

I have done this to a friend in my younger years. In hindsight I had no clue about boundaries and communicating them. She kept being really rude to me in front of people - kind of to make herself better- and then always asked me for favours whcih unusually agreed to but was very rude when I didn't- eventually I felt I'd had enough and
Told her I didn't want to see her that night (e had plans) because of how she'd acted and treated me. She got very angry sending nasty messages so I blocked her rather than answering

I could have dealth with it better by speaking up sooner in hindsight but to be fair I don't think she'd have taken much notice and I don't miss her. Not saying you're this nasty op or anything like that, but for whatever reason perhaps your interactions were draining or upsetting her and she just didn't know a way to fix it or let you know

This is an inferesting one- I'm currently on mat leave so making a few new friends I doubt I'll be friends forever with all of them though. I wonder if the other person sees it as normal drifting apart , especially if they have lots of friends, rather than a conscious effort to cut off

It was around 35 years so so can't remember how long it took me but I remember it feeling like grief.

I have a lovely group of friends now and I'm quite happy but I do think of her from time to time even after all these years.

This felt different. I felt I was given the brush off, rather than drifting apart. I still feel puzzled as to what happened (and a little hurt). When I googled her and family recently, there were links to Scientology so I wonder if that influenced things, or was the husband controlling (although I didn’t really understand the nature of controlling then). I know they got together very young.

What do you mean she cut you off?

Did you reach out and she ignored you?

Basically yes. I’d ring up and if she answered, there was always an excuse why it wasn’t convenient to m meet. Before there wasn’t a problem. There was never ‘shall we meet on x date instead?’ either. I slowly got the message.

Tbh I think most people would've done the same,that doesn't sound like a friendship anyone should be in!

I replied earlier this thread but I do have an odd update. The friend got back in touch with apologies and large chunks of text addressing every awkward question she could possibly think of.

Instead of appreciating her effort, I am so burnt out from all that time wasted grieving. And annoyed at self preserving assumptions she made that she never let me clear.

So just heads up that even friends getting back in touch may not give one closure/relief needed.

Something similar is happening to me right now. I know it'll get easier with time, but I just feel so sad at the moment.

Very similar here.

We were best friends from around age 7-18, so most of the time we were growing up. She could be very spiteful and loved an argument but was also quite captivating in some other aspects of her personality.

Her spitefulness seemed to peak as we were finding more independence from each other - applying to uni, having our first boyfriends, finding other friends - before I eventually snapped and said we weren't good for each other and that I'd give her space for the last few months we had left before uni. Knew I'd made the right decision when her response was that she wasn't sure where I'd finally found a backbone 😅

Like you I wonder if I could have spoken up earlier but if only to maybe give us both more closure. By the time it blew up I was done. She reached out a few times but there was always a sharp edge to it so I couldn't bring myself to engage beyond being civil and let her in again.

To go back to the OP's question, then, I think it depends on the level of closure you get. I still think of her from time to time even though I'm sure I made the right decision to end the friendship.

My friend deserted me when I was very ill (7 weeks in hospital, almost died, needed a lot of physio, etc). She didn't visit until I left a voicemail saying I hope she was ok and that I'd love to see her. She came to my home and stayed 2 hours. I knew when she went that I'd never see her again. It took well over a year for me to get over it.