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Original poster

Fussy eater - is this too brutal??

96 replies

bookworm1982 · 02/10/2023 17:13

My 4 and a half year old is really fussy when it comes to dinner. He'll eat his veggie (broccoli, carrots, baby corn) but will not touch anything other than breaded chicken or breaded fish along side it. His older brother eats pasta, curries, roast dinners, spag etc. There's no reason that I can think of why my 4 year old won't eat pasta or anything else, he just says he doesn't like it and then I give him his chicken in breadcrumbs because I just want him to eat something. But I am getting sick of serving him the same thing every night and feel that he's old enough now to understand that he has to eat what his brother eats and I shouldn't have to cook them separate dinners. So I am thinking that if I serve him what his brother has - i.e tonight it's pasta - and he refuses to eat it then he gets nothing else (so goes to bed hungry if he won't try it). Is that a bit harsh? Don't want to damage the poor kid but feel as though enough is enough. Not looking for advice on what's caused his fussy eating or what I could have done differently, just want to know if what I am about to do is too harsh on him. Thanks so much xxx

OP posts:

sarahh96 · 02/10/2023 17:23

My mother used to regularly make me sit at the table long after everyone else has left to make me eat. The food went cold, I was crying, gagging on the food but still I had to sit there. She was a big fan of offal, usually stuffed hearts.
I'm 60 now and I've never forgotten it. When I eat now, if I don't finish it, I hide the remaining food and pretend I have. Ridiculous I know.
Her attitude was, I've made it so you're bloody well going to sit there until you eat it!

JoinInBetty · 02/10/2023 17:24

Why would you deliberately make your child go to be hungry.
have you considers sensory reasons for them not eating other food.

how much effort is it really to do a few fish/chicken bits and veg

MagpiePi · 02/10/2023 17:26

No, I don’t think it’s brutal, but then I was of the take it or leave it school of thought when my kids were little!
It could take a few goes before he eats new food happily, which is normal, but I wouldn’t make a fuss and just state that big boys eat whatever it is you’re having and he’s a big boy now, isn’t he?

I did used to let mine serve themselves from a big dish in the middle, and get them to help with cooking, even if it was just chopping a carrot that discretely went in the bin, and then they’ve got some input into the meal and maybe feel more obliged to try it.

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Soubriquet · 02/10/2023 17:27

I have ARFID (avoidance and restricted food intake disorder) and I would literally go without eating, rather then eating something that is not on my safe list.

Yeah children need to experience new foods but you put them along side something they will already eat if they are being picky. Then don’t make a big deal if they don’t eat it. Just quietly take it away and serve it again another day

teenysaladandsniffofarose · 02/10/2023 17:28

I'd offer him something out of his comfort zone along side something he likes.

I just couldn't let my child go hungry.

RowenaEllis · 02/10/2023 17:29

I think that's harsh, yeah
if kids don't like something they don't like it. If he's tried it and really doesn't like it then why would you make him eat it or get nothing else?

LittleMonks11 · 02/10/2023 17:30

He's 4.5 and eating broccoli. Focus on the positives and no. Don't send him to bed hungry.

There are far worse worries to worry about. Unless it's something like sensory issues his repertoire will expand eventually.

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 02/10/2023 17:30

I have a fussy 4 year old so sympathise. I’ve done a lot of reading about the issue and what I do now is make sure there are ‘safe’ foods on his plate and then add some of the new foods. So, in your case, I’d put some veg he likes, a half portion of breaded protein AND a small amount of pasta/curry/roast potatoes on his plate. He eats what he eats. I praise him for trying the new foods. He’s getting better but it has taken a long time.

Original poster

bookworm1982 · 02/10/2023 17:30

JoinInBetty · 02/10/2023 17:24

Why would you deliberately make your child go to be hungry.
have you considers sensory reasons for them not eating other food.

how much effort is it really to do a few fish/chicken bits and veg

It's no effort to make fish and chicken, that's not my point, I want him to try new foods (pasta at least!) and I don't believe there is a good enough for him not to try it, other than I've been too soft on him.

You've made me sound awful, like I'd happily let him go hungry but haven't I been doing the exact opposite for 4 and a half years!

OP posts:

postitnot · 02/10/2023 17:31

Could you make him his chicken for a bit longer, but put a small spoonful of his brother's dinner on his plate and encourage him to have one mouthful then 2, then 3 etc over the next few weeks? I've heard that it takes something like 10 trys for kids to get used to different food. One daughter doesn't like tomatoes and one doesn't like mushrooms but they know they have to have one mouthful when the rest of us are eating it!

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/10/2023 17:31

I'm not sure I see the logic or benefit, if he's eating portions of vegetables then there'll limited harm in having the meat breaded, it's hardly difficult to cook either.

By all means aim for a healthy diet for the dc but why should it be what another DC eats has to be eaten by all if they very clearly don't like it or have a struggle with eating it. I wouldn't ever force hunger on a young child on that basis (or any), as a punishment for not liking what a sibling does.

Lots of very valid reasons a child (or adult) might struggle with certain textures and tastes that are not them being naughty or difficult, why not educate on those or offer tiny portions of other things to try with no negative consequences, you never know, they might like something- but never will with pressure/shaming/unfair treatment.

Seeline · 02/10/2023 17:32

I think that's harsh. One of mine would eat anything. The other was very fussy. And stubborn. She really would've starved herself rather than eat something she didn't like.
Give him what he will eat with a tiny bit of whatever everyone else is eating alongside. Don't comment about it.

Some kids don't like their food mixed up - when you say pasta, do you mean plain pasta, or pasta in sauce of some sort? Try keeping his separate when you put it on his plate

MagpiePi · 02/10/2023 17:32

…just to add, I never made my kids sit at the table until they’d cleared their plates or served it up cold the next day or fed them things I knew they actively hated or anything like that. It was just a case of ‘this is what we’re having for tea, there are no alternatives’.

And one of them did have sensory issues around food before I get slated.

WhatHaveIDone21 · 02/10/2023 17:33

I would let him eat what he likes but also serve some of what you are having alongside it and ask him to try at least one spoonful. DD2 is very fussy and I understand the frustration of having to make separate meals but I'm not sure I could let her go hungry every night.

Thesearmsofmine · 02/10/2023 17:34

Put a small amount of the pasta or whatever next to the chicken or fish. Don’t make food a battle.

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2023 17:34

Just give him his breaded food with his vegetables and s spoon of pasta or whatever on the side ask hm to try a bit and stop making food a thing , I had a child like this they are now in their 30s and eat like a grown up at 4 they were eating billy bear sandwiches and turkey dinosaurs.

TheBabylonian · 02/10/2023 17:34

It’s actually cruel, and you will only make him have food issues later on.

If you do this he’ll probably end up telling you he’s vegetarian (or more likely vegan nowadays) if you give him grief. Before anyone says it I have nieces and nephews around that age that have been brought up vegan so there will be some in his school.

My son was the same as OPs and we never made a big deal out of it and just made him something he liked. Now he’s older he will try things far easier and actually eats food that is way spicier than I will for example.

Original poster

bookworm1982 · 02/10/2023 17:35

DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 02/10/2023 17:30

Yes I have been doing that for while, giving him a small bit of pasta or noodles on his plate, along with the other stuff. He just won't eat it, says he doesn't like it but has never tried it 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Notagains · 02/10/2023 17:35

Yes I think it's too harsh you say he likes vegetables can't you just give him more of those so he doesn't go hungry. You are lucky he enjoys veg many children don't
Offer pasta etc but don't make him eat it or turn it into a battle.

RenegadeMrs · 02/10/2023 17:35

I have two kids that cannot agree on the same thing most of the time. I cook one meal, and try and make sure there is at least one element of the meal that they will eat, and then give fruit / yoghurt for desert. They ususally have to try everything to get desert but if they are really having trouble eating it, they can have some bread instead.

I try and walk the line between having very boring and limited meals, something I want to eat and something they want to eat.

Rudolphthefrog · 02/10/2023 17:36

I have ridiculously fussy kids (one is autistic), I know it’s soul destroying. But I hate the “they’ll eat when they’re hungry” methodology, because in my experience it just ends up with miserable hungry child. And future food issues.

I cook mine their “safe” meals, offer them some of whatever the rest of us are having, and then ignore the whole subject. I don’t comment on their eating, I don’t praise them eating and I don’t let them know I’m remotely bothered what they eat - I just leave them to it. A combination of peer pressure and their own curiosity has led to them trying and liking new foods in their own time. They still eat a fairly limited diet but they’re growing, they’re eating something from the different food groups and they’re willing to try things because they know there’s always “back up” food available. I refuse to have battles over food, it’s not a battle I can “win”.

What does he eat at breakfast and lunch? Is he just too tired/not hungry at dinner time or does he just not like dinner foods?

AbsolutelyNebulous · 02/10/2023 17:36

Too harsh imo. The child is eating, he just doesn’t like certain things. It’s not ok to send him to bed hungry because he can’t or won’t force down his siblings preferred food and turning it into a battle is likely to make his eating worse, not better.

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2023 17:37

And even if he doesn't try least it's on his plate, I get its frustrating but it shouldn't be a battle.

YellSomeMoreAdam · 02/10/2023 17:37

Make him a dinner you know he will eat and put a teaspoon of whatever you want him to eat in a separate bowl, ask him to eat the teaspoon of food and then give him what he wants. We were advised to do this with my son, so a teaspoon of bolognaise or chilli and rice and that meant he was being introduced to new tastes and textures but it wasn't a big issue, he knew his favourite food was coming out afterwards.

We also took him to all you can eat buffet restaurants where they do foods from around the world meaning he could try small bites of things.

Your son is eating veg which is usually the hardest battle. He is not his brother, it doesn't matter what his brother eats, don't make him feel like he is inferior to him. I reassured myself by writing a list of all the things he would eat. Now as an almost adult he will still order a plain burger but eats all types of mustard, fish, meats, chicken and both Indian and Thai curries.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 02/10/2023 17:37

I assume nobody deliberately gives you food that they know you don't like? Why would you do that to a child? He'll broaden his range of likes when he's ready.

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