Fussy eater - is this too brutal??

[bookworm1982]

My 4 and a half year old is really fussy when it comes to dinner. He'll eat his veggie (broccoli, carrots, baby corn) but will not touch anything other than breaded chicken or breaded fish along side it. His older brother eats pasta, curries, roast dinners, spag etc. There's no reason that I can think of why my 4 year old won't eat pasta or anything else, he just says he doesn't like it and then I give him his chicken in breadcrumbs because I just want him to eat something. But I am getting sick of serving him the same thing every night and feel that he's old enough now to understand that he has to eat what his brother eats and I shouldn't have to cook them separate dinners. So I am thinking that if I serve him what his brother has - i.e tonight it's pasta - and he refuses to eat it then he gets nothing else (so goes to bed hungry if he won't try it). Is that a bit harsh? Don't want to damage the poor kid but feel as though enough is enough. Not looking for advice on what's caused his fussy eating or what I could have done differently, just want to know if what I am about to do is too harsh on him. Thanks so much xxx

At least he's eating veg! I think that's good for his age, plus the breaded stuff
I don't think it's bad at all. My eldest is similar doesn't like things like spaghetti bolognaise but loves salmon, breaded fish, veg and rice etc.

I wouldn't try force him

I would do his normal meal and keep putting a bit on the side, he will eventually try it without you stressing

Do be aware, OP, that he may not grow out of it. My 16 YO DD is even fussier now than when younger and lives on pasta or pizza with the occasional burger. I try to make it as healthy as possible but she would prefer not to eat rather than have something else. She is autistic and will at least make something for herself now if I don't have time to, but used to eat everything. One of her siblings isn't autistic but has very similar tastes at the age of 11; the other two will eat anything.

It's a pain but not all children will eat if they're hungry enough.

Personally, I would not be cooking him chicken nuggets or whatever as well as the main meal everyone else is having. Processed UPF stuff like that every night won't be doing him any good anyway so I'd try to make a change if you possibly can.

With DDs (age 6 and 4) I won't leave them to go hungry but I point blank refuse to cook separate dinners. So if I made a curry for example and they didn't like it or eat it they can have bread and butter, fruit or yoghurt...... basically things I don't have to cook. It means that occasionally their dinner has been an apple, yoghurt and a slice of bread but that's very rare now as they usually will try things and eat well.

So with your DS I wouldn't send him to bed hungry, I'd offer him a bowl of cereal or some fruit or something he'll eat but that's a very boring option for dinner. I'd also consider a sticker reward chart for trying new foods.

Loads of sense on this thread, best of luck op, it’s hard. I was that fussy eater and I’ve a fairly wide variety now. Ds was too and is trying more and more now as a 15yo x

Thought mine was particular tastes, turns out she's ASD.

She'll eat breaded chicken, but not unbreaded. So we have nugs / breaded fillets, nugs in wraps with veg, Katsu curry, waffles with bacon and breaded fillets - I count that as 4 meals. She will eat Quorn cubes in pasta, curries, stir fry.

My point being - vary the veg, add wraps or mash or chips and it counts as a different meal.

Also try giving the parts seperately i.e. pasta with the sauce on the side, or even pasta with raw tomato, carrot, whatever you put in your sauce. Helps them identify what bit they don't like.

I don't buy anything coconut flavoured as I hate it. Then accidentally discovered she loved it. Adults are allowed to have preferences, why not kids??

It's completely unacceptable to send a young child to bed hungry.

Just offer him a range of foods. If he doesn't eat them, he can have some toast and fruit to keep him going. He will become more adventurous around food as he grows up.

It's not brutal, offering alternatives are one of the reasons he's refusing food. I would make sure there's at least one thing he will eat but everything else has to be the same as his brother. If he doesn't eat anything and you think he is genuinely hungry you could then offer a snack before bed, but make sure he realises that it's not his dinner.

I would serve non breaded (so un processed) chicken and fish with veg. That's not too much of a change and is healthier.

Maybe try a new food every week as a little taster with his usual food.

Keep offering the pasta/rice etc alongside. But no forcing or restrictions/punishment. Every eating disorder specialist worth their salt says no to punishing re food.

Is he having school dinners? It may help

Just be patient and accept the wins where you can

I have a fussy eater. As a baby she wasn’t fussy but once she could voice her own opinions, she was very clear what she liked and disliked. She liked a lot of very healthy food so mostly I just ran with it.

From time to time I’d encourage her to try something new but I think she was 7 or 8 before she really started to break out being anti-new-food.

Now she is a teenager and is so much better — she will eat all sorts of cuisines that one she’d never have touched. She still dislikes pickles, seafood, sushi, mushrooms, onions, cooked tomatoes, aubergine, cooked eggs, smoked salmon and blue cheese. But she’ll eat pretty much anything else including very spicy or strongly flavoured dishes. She loves to cook and bake too.

I am so excited for her and I’m really pleased we let her go at her own pace as she got used to new flavours and textures. It was SO frustrating along the way but I honestly don’t think it is worth the battles and from my experience the horror she felt at being forced to eat was clearly going to set up some very damaging associations with food and a huge loss of trust in me as her mum.

Yes, when my eldest had kissing tonsils that the Drs refused to remove, and due to autism he only ate chicken nuggets with cheese on and potato waffles. That was it, for months. Eventually he could only eat quavers. The Doctors didn't care, as he was eating 'something'. It took not removing ourselves from A&E for the 3rd time before he was admitted then his tonsils removed after a 3 week stay in the childrens ward before he would eat anything else. He had lost a 3rd of his body weight. What he will eat can still be listed on a post-it note.
As far as I'm concerned, I don't care how many different meals I have to make for everyone as long as they actually eat!

Agree with other posters - try not making too much of a thing about it for a while. Two positives - he’s eating, and he’s eating veg. He might have some food aversions, maybe he’s tried something he really didn’t like and it’s made him anxious.

Involve him as much as you can in food prep / shopping and talk to him, ask him questions. At that age they’re often inquisitive little things and like to feel grown up.

Have him help you cook and chat through it, taste ingredients. “This is x, it tastes a bit like y only more sweet / more crunchy / more salty.” Have a nibble and leave a bit for him without making a big deal of it, he might start tasting. Talk while you’re cooking, “I really like x, but dad doesn’t like it because… can you think of a thing you like? What’s one thing you don’t like?”

Or get kids to choose the family meal once a week - see if he naturally starts asking for different things.

My parents were convinced that I would eat if if I was hungry, and I should eat what they liked.
The result is that I cannot even smell certain foods without gagging, which tbh is a total pain because I'm sure that if they hadn't made such a fuss about me eating it then I'd probably eat them fine now.
I also proved them wrong on the eat if I was hungry. I could, and still win on that front. I lose all hunger pangs fairly quickly if I've been hungry for a bit and then really struggle to eat after that. Even now I would rather be hungry than eat something I really don't like.
Thing is, I'm not actually as fussy as my siblings-simply they liked what my parents served, and I didn't. I ate far more adventurously when I could choose my own food.

What I would say is just make sure you cook something they like.
So you're doing pasta and meatballs for your older one. Make sure the veg is something they'll eat. Offer them a piece of pasta to try, if they say no, don't push it. You don't need to cook a second meal, simply make sure something is what each of them will eat. As long as they eat something, they can have that-with perhaps bread if they're still hungry.

I've noticed my four year old is much more open to new foods when hungry.

Cut out the after school snacks and make them wait until dinner time. Introduce new foods alongside more familiar foods.

I'd start with chicken schnitzel and then swap it out for pork schnitzel. Once he's eating pork, try serving some shredded pork chop with rice and veg.

If we have unfamiliar food, I sometimes dangle dessert as a reward for at least trying the new food. I don't force my son to finish new foods, but I do insist that he at least tries a little bit.

After memories of being made to sit at the table until I'd eaten a plate of cold baked beans when I was very very young, no, I really wouldn't.
I'd serve up a tiny portion of the same food everyone else is having, alongside the veggies or whatever you know he will eat. Offer it with no comment, no nagging, no asking him to try it, no fuss at all. Just eat together as much as you can and let him see you enjoying your meal. I've had two fussy eaters who eat anything now.

Rather than trying to get him to eat things he has decided he doesn't like, how about offering something neither he or his brother have ever tried. They could then both get a sticker for trying something new. This could be as simple as an unusual shape pasta or a different fruit.
We did this successfully with my DD at a similar age, as she would only eat bread.
We started with Tinned oranges as she had never had them before. It took a long time but it did work.
She now eats a varied diet

Op.
Do not force it.

Do not make it a battle or mention food.

He eats good range of vegetables and chicken and fish is fine.

Let things settle then have a creative fresh attempt along side rhe usual.
Eg eating with hands... Pick up pasta and say how it feels get him too... Stuff like that. Make him see fhe food different.

Too harsh, and I have an 8yo who has been very fussy since 18 months old.

Always put 1-2 things on their plate that you know he will eat, offer a yoghurt and fruit as pudding afterwards and nothing else. Ensure he’s not filling up on drinking milk before meals as milk is a food. Don’t turn meal times in a battleground - the more fuss you make over the foods you want him to eat the more he will dig his heels in.

Have a look at the book Getting The Little Blighters To Eat.

Yes it’s too harsh and you haven’t been too soft by giving him his safe food. Just keep adding a tiny amount of his brothers dinner along with his safe dinner. Don’t turn this into trauma for him which you will do by removing safe foods and trying to make him eat what his brother has. People don’t have food refusals because their parents are soft.

Hello, I've had one who would try literally anything from day 1 and has kept that habit going (she's 23).

And I've one who would eat anything up until aged 4ish. We lived in Thailand and he would cheerfully chomp down on anything served on a stick...pineapple? Yes. Squid? Yes. Crickets? YES!

He then had a fairly restricted diet for about a decade? Veg-wise I worked out there was no point cooking any of it, and gave him raw mini sweetcorn, pea pods, mange tout etc etc. Like me he hates soft foods touching "crunchy foods" unless it's gravy.

He's huge, healthy, sporty and trying more and more things now.

He never went to bed hungry.