Fussy eater - is this too brutal??

[bookworm1982]

My 4 and a half year old is really fussy when it comes to dinner. He'll eat his veggie (broccoli, carrots, baby corn) but will not touch anything other than breaded chicken or breaded fish along side it. His older brother eats pasta, curries, roast dinners, spag etc. There's no reason that I can think of why my 4 year old won't eat pasta or anything else, he just says he doesn't like it and then I give him his chicken in breadcrumbs because I just want him to eat something. But I am getting sick of serving him the same thing every night and feel that he's old enough now to understand that he has to eat what his brother eats and I shouldn't have to cook them separate dinners. So I am thinking that if I serve him what his brother has - i.e tonight it's pasta - and he refuses to eat it then he gets nothing else (so goes to bed hungry if he won't try it). Is that a bit harsh? Don't want to damage the poor kid but feel as though enough is enough. Not looking for advice on what's caused his fussy eating or what I could have done differently, just want to know if what I am about to do is too harsh on him. Thanks so much xxx

Without bread crumbs*

I think you need to work out if this is a sensory issue, or purely 'fussy' eating.

If it's a sensory thing, it would be detrimental to deny him foods he likes and make him go hungry.

My DD10 eats well, a good range or foods, lots of vegetables, meat, fish. but has sensory issues around mixing and sauces so just needs things plain and separated.
Does that sound like your son?

I think only one preferred meal is less common. Mine had a handful of interchangeables but wouldn't eat meat. Would eat Quorn, fish fingers but very few sauces, no mixed up food unless it was totally smooth and then that was pretty much limited to tomato sauce. Carbs she was better with and would eat most (but only white rice, white pasta, no skin from potato) but was pretty good with fruit and veg. But never cooked fruit or fruit in cake or biscuits. Basically clean, plain food. But not bland. Always liked parmesan cheese for example, but not cheddar and never melted.
Occasionally she would eat hummus or falafel but with little enthusiasm.
Started eating meat in early teens and liked it spicy. Started off quite dry (tandoori was a surprise hit) and she discovered she likes Indian food spices and oriental umami flavour - soy sauce/ginger/garlic. She's 16 now and much more willing to try things and food has become much less of a stress point for her. We've always kept meal times low stress and calm. No pressure.
Don't stress yourself out about this. Get advice from your GP if you're worried. Have you considered ARFID? Might be worth reading up to see if it resonates at all with your experience.

My son is like this, he's 12 now but has always been the fussy. What I did was just kept offering stuff he wasn't keen on alongside something he would eat. Maybe he didn't always get as much food as he would like but I figured if he wouldn't even try it then that's his problem.
I'm quite happy not to serve something he really doesn't like if he's actually tried it, we had tears over Salmon one night and I haven't given him that since.

It's been a slow process but he has got better with age, try not to make dinner a battle group as it's then no fun for anyone.

Fussy eater mum here.

Recommendation is to serve him pasta alongside his safe foods. Don’t make a big fuss of it, just say he has to try everything on his plate, he doesn’t have to eat it but all you ask is for him to try it.

Then rinse and repeat. Don’t get angry or annoyed, really praise him when he try’s anything and talk to your older kids about how amazing the pasta is, how many vitamins are in it. How great those vitamins are for your body etc. We talk about foods having more or less vitamins not healthy and unhealthy.

Yes, too harsh.

If he's served something he likes on the same plate as something he (in his mind) doesn't like, of course he's only going to eat the thing he likes.

Serve him the thing you want him to try first, then after he's at least had a proper try he can have what he likes.

Just give him what he likes, don’t turn it into a battle. Some people would kill for their kids to eat veggies!!

I don't think it's too harsh. You've tried offering other options on the plate alongside what he usually has and he isn't even trying it which is different from a genuine dislike.

I was made to eat everything on my plate as a child, even if I said I was full. As a result I find it hard to leave food on my plate and as a result I am now obese.

@sarahh96 My mother was the same. I was made to sit and eat cold food in a room by myself, after my mother ordered my father and sister out of room.I used to hide food in tissues and flush down toilet later. To this day I cannot eat mashed potato or peas and I am similiar age to you.

It certainly didn't stop me being fussy as that has followed me all through life.

My youngest is now late teens, if they didn't like something I offered something else and would never send to bed hungry.

He eats vegetables?

Quit while you're ahead.

Keep on offering pasta or whatever else you're cooking, but I wouldn't be heavy-handed here at all. Serve a little of the family nightly meal alongside the food you know he'll eat. If he has some, don't make a big deal out of it. If he doesn't, likewise.

The big thing is to avoid making a fuss of your child's eating habits and to keep personal confrontation out of the picture, even though you really, really want to lay down the law.

I had a few picky eaters myself. They all grew out of it by their late teens. There is no overnight resolution to the problem, no magic wand that can be waved, much as you would like some immediate solution. Your frustration is completely understandable - it can be incredibly maddening, and very tiring for the cook.

While a huge amount of the solution to the problem is out of your hands and firmly in the child's, you do have it in your power to not make the problem worse, to not shame your child.

I'd advise you to take a step back and try to reframe the problem in your own head. Call it 'DC's temporary difficulty' or focus on addressing your own fears or frustrations. As a parent, it's important to pay attention to your own 'mental game'. Otherwise, your approach can become very reactive as opposed to responsive.

Have him help you plan and prepare meals, and try to keep interaction on the topic of food lighthearted.

I did that with mine since baby, they happily eat everything now at 7&9. Well at baby age they obviously still had milk to fill them up afterwards but when that slowly faded out it was our dinner or nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️

Try not to compare.

If the food your child eats seems pretty balanced in terms of nutrition, then it's not bad in and of itself to have it daily.

My son is autistic and extremely limited in what he eats. I try to do adjacent foods, eg for a long time he would only eat toast, then I introduced a scotch pancake and he was suspicious but then started to eat it. So in your case, could you do different types of breadcrumb chicken, then some plain chicken, gradually start to explore familiar foods but in different ways

Things like picnics can be good for encouraging trying new food as there is no pressure but exposure to new things

The issue is, some kids won't eat even if they are hungry. For days/weeks in a row. DD didn't . So it wasn't sustainable to keep it up and we had to find other workarounds.

Your method works for some kids, but not for all the kids.

My DS was fussy/restrictive/avoidant and his diet was nowhere near as healthy as you son's. We have a big family and we accommodated as much as we could. We didn't go to restaurants but we would go to cafes with an all day breakfast and he would have toast. When we did go to restaurant he would have garlic bread and nothing else. He began to change in his late teens. He made friends with a group with a similar hobby and they made dressing up and going for dinner their way of socialising. He persuaded himself to eat a burger with no relish and try the chips and then moved on to steak.

A few years later he became friends with a chef who taught him various recipes that he adapted and made his own and now he is the one who cooks for his family. When they visit he cooks for us and when we visit him he wants us to visit his favourite restaurants. My point is - you would never know that between the ages of three and fifteen he lived on one brand of frozen pizza, garlic bread, cheese and cereal. Also he was a talented gymnast and never missed school because of illness.

Please don't force him to eat things he doesn't like.

DD (5) won’t touch pasta, cheese or eggs at all, would rather starve than eat either and has always been this way. I’ve banged my head against the wall, bribed, pleaded, been bloody minded about the ‘that’s it or nothing’ and it didn’t work. One day just accepted that she doesn’t like it and that kids have preferences same as adults and like yours, she’ll eat broccoli and veg until it comes out of her ears! School lunches helped her expand her repertoire because she can choose what she has and she’s more adventurous now but by taking pressure off dinner and not forcing her to eat things she hates has made all our lives easier.

My son is nearly three and we've had a terrible year with food. His palette which was quite broad at one narrowed considerably from two and now he only reliably eats a few meals and very few vegetables (basically just peas and some salad bits now)

We don't make him any separate meals/food items now. We just serve him what we're eating but make sure there is at least one thing on the plate that we know he will definitely eat. Then we see what happens. Sometimes he tries a bit of the rest of it but most of the time he doesn't.
We don't make a big deal out of it as irritating as it is. I hope he'll just grow out of it one day or that eventually I'll be able to ask him to at least try some new foods and have him listen.

Having spent years with a very limited eater (who I now know is likely autistic) I say there is no point making food a battleground and leaving a child hungry. Serve what you give the rest of the family but put something extra on the plate your DS will eat. Eh, of we have chilli I make sure there is plenty of rice with my DD's portion. Encourage a taste of new foods but don't force it to be eaten. You will create more harm than good otherwise.

Out of interest what does he have for breakfast and lunch?
Have you tried making your own breaded chicken or fish but only topping it with bread crumbs to start a move towards fish or chicken without breadcrumbs?

Just keep offering him whatever is for dinner alongside at least one thing you know he will eat. Some nights why not even serve everyone what he likes. My daughter is a picky eater and having spent the last year making food a battleground, culminating in me forcing her to nibble a chip at dinner time and her retching and throwing up on herself I finally realised it's much more than simply being "fussy". Now I serve her things she likes alongside whatever the rest of us are eating, always relive food as soon as she asks if she doesn't want it on her plate, been doing it a few months and low and behold she's actually tried a few things here and there on her terms. I especially like doing "tacos" where some of the bowls are not filled with taco toppings but things I know she will eat so she makes her own tacos and can join in.

I have a 5 year old who is occasionally like this at tea time. He knows he can have a bit of toast after tea but I wouldn't go out of my way to do him chicken nuggets or anything as that would incentivise him to not bother with my cooking efforts imo. Toast is very boring but better than him going to bed hungry.

My almost 3yo is a fussy eater....at home.
Not fussy on holiday at the AI buffet, not fussy at nursery, not fussy at GPs of aunties, just at home. So I'm confident it's not a sensory thing for my child and am happy for them to choose if they want to eat what I serve to them or not. I always make sure there is at least one 'safe' food on their plate or for 'pudding' so they'll have probably (although not always) had something at least! I'm about to start weaning baby number 2 so it'll be interesting to see if #1 changes their food attitude at home then!