"I don't care if you're sorry!"

[EveSix]

DP, when stressed, has a particularly arsey habit of, when pulling the DC up on something, and they say "Sorry," he'll curtly say "I don't care if you're sorry!" followed up with something like "What matters is that you don't do it again," or "That's what you said last time," or similar. He also shuts down any attempt at explaining, brushing it off as 'excuses'. This will be over something really minor like leaving crumbs on a worktop or not pushing bikes fully under the lean to bikeshed.

Our DC are well behaved, thoughtful and don't do things out of spite or carelessness. Their "Sorry" is genuine and sincere, never said in a 'whatever' kind of way. When he does this, I genuinely dislike him. It's like he is taking away the dignity of the DC of being able to try to put things right.

If they didn't say sorry, they'd be pulled up on that instead.

If they get upset, he'll say something really weird like "I'm sorry you're upset, but you shouldn't have done X in the first place." WhoTF follows a 'sorry' with a 'but'!?

I've tried to explain that it's a shitty way of expressing his irritation, and that he needs to be open to someone's apology if he's going to raise a grievance, but he has a complete blind spot about it, despite it being his children.

He is capable of doing this in a more neutral way normally, but when in a rush or otherwise under pressure, seems to lose the capacity to do it without some kind of weird rank-pulling.

Can anyone suggest a better way of explaining this to him? I am convinced I'm right about this, but equally, if you think DP hasn't done anything wrong, please explain how this is fine.

But what about when an adult does something, says sorry, then does it again, and again?

Depends who it is and what they have done!

To express regret in the form of an apology is considerate of the person whose forgiveness is being sought. How can one forgive a transgression if the person who transgressed doesn't regret the act? It's surely a prerequisite.

So to say sorry is to show consideration and respect for the person receiving the apology.

That's why it is important to accept an apology graciously - because it is a demonstration of consideration for your feelings.

I think there is nothing like a behaviour being discussed in situation where they can’t shut it down.
So if you said among a group of friends “he’s an arse about apologies from the children, and is blind to the fact it makes them feel like shit, at least I hope he’s not doing it deliberately” how would he react to that. How would he react to one of the kids saying it outside the house. Would it make him feel angry?

But he’s not actually forgiving them, is he? Not really- he’s (and other pp’s) are holding on to their resentment.
If you asked him can you forgive someone putting their bike away badly- the answer is actually No he can’t. And that’s the standard he’s setting in his family.

So if this was an adult, presumably they'd have paid for the bike themselves, in which case I wouldn't even be interfering over where they chose to leave it - their look out if it's stolen or goes rusty etc. An adult is old enough to work that out for themselves.

He doesn't care because it's meaningless. They aren't sorry. If they were sorry they wouldn't keep doing it.

Not the whole story though, is it? If a bike isn't put away properly, it may be an obstruction that causes another family member to fall over it and injure themselves, i.e. a bike left in the middle of a garage/shed with no lighting is really quite dangerous.

Their ages are the crucial thing here, @EveSix

I absolutely hate when people launch into long explanations (excuses) for their errors, especially when it's a repeat offence. Just say "sorry, I'll be more mindful of this" or whatever and move on. My DH is so bad for this and it really winds me up.

Well, the moronic, crazy, idiotic woman who lives across the road from us and has left her handbrake off three times, writing off our car twice and causing damage to the front corner of the house the third time, is going to get her teeth knocked out if she does it again! All she ever does is say "sorry" but she clearly doesn't mean it or else she'd actually engage her tiny brain and put the sodding hand brake on. Is that the kind of sanction you mean?

I don’t outright say “I don’t care” as he does.

I say “thank you for apologising”. I very, very rarely say “it’s ok”, and certainly not for a repeated incident. Because it is not in fact ok, it is maddening.

Children can learn that actions speak louder than words.

"Made the garden look messy" 😆I just can't imagine getting uptight about that, certainly not enough make an issue of it.

Say, for the sake of argument, it was my bike and they'd borrowed it - the consequence would be that they wouldn't borrow it again, I'd lock it and keep the key on my keyring.

To be fair an adult wouldn't get punishment but they would get natural consequences

E.g. if a friend was consistently late then I'd be less inclined to hang out with them even if they kept saying sorry.

Essentially an apology is useless if behaviour isn't later changed to avoid the same thing happening. The first time something happens an apology is accepted, but I don't think saying sorry solves a lot of things and I don't think this is necessarily a good thing to learn.

Something basic like a bike being left out wouldnt obviously be punished in an adult but I guess the natural consequence would be that I would be frustrated and less happy in my relationship if my husband was a twat and kept leaving his bike out

"Could you move that bike off the lawn before we set the barbecue up, please?"

Job done. If they wouldn't fulfil a reasonable request like that, it would signify bigger issues in the relationship than someone being a bit messy/careless with their property.