DD is currently in Year 4 at a First School and due to go to Middle School in September 2024.
She is currently at a very lovely 3 form entry school but it’s cofe which my ExH is against. As in he opposes all religion as do his family. I was brought up cofe but no longer practice or attend church.
She went to this school as it’s our catchment school (I’m RP, he has visitation for 2 nights EOWend) we were going through courts during the application process and the judge asked me to put at least 1 none dom school as number 2 or 3 on the form (which I did) but was happy for me to put the others down as cofe and she got my first preference which was catchment. There is only 1 none dom First School reachable from my house, the others are all either cofe or catholic, we had no chance of getting the non dom because we live over 3 miles from it and it’s catchment only covers 1.1m at a push some years it’s as small as 0.8m.
ExH has had nothing to do with school since, refuses to go to Parents Evenings, or even speak to DDs teacher on the phone. The few times school have rung him he’s told them that school is my problem unless they think residency should switch and therefore her school should. He won’t even pick her up from school on his Friday, I have to pick her up from school get her changed and take her to him, the few times I’ve asked him to get her from school due to me working he’s told me he’ll have her later so I can pick her up from After School Club.
He’s also told DD that her teachers are god botherers and trying to force her to believe the same as them. It’s also caused issues as DD wanted to join the choir and has to get special permission to never attend weekend church services if they fell on ExHs weekend. It was annoying but we worked round it but DD did feel very left out and eventually left because it always seemed to land with the services on ExHs weekend with her (the main ones are Harvest, Christmas, Easter and Mother’s Day – she did MD because it always is my day with her but missed the others).
For context only the headteacher is Christian and she is fine with none religious or children of other religions, the schools not overly Christian day to day they do worship once a week with singing/hymns for the whole school and then Years 2, 3 and 4 go to Church once per half term which parents can opt out of for any reason (DD has a slight mobility issue so she stays at school for those as the Church is just under a mile from the school) but that’s about it bar there being ce in the name “School name CE First School” and there being a cross in the reception area as you walk into school.
We’re now looking at Middle Schools for next year.
The catchment Middle School is cofe and our current school is a feeder school. Most of her classmates will go to this school. DD loved it when we looked round, kept saying she wanted to go to it and talking about which friends she wanted in her class.
ExH walked round with a face like a slapped bum. He didn’t say a word, and once we were outside said “well it’s an option at least”.
It's smiliar to our current school in terms of how religious it is except the children go to church 2-3 times per half term but I'm assured by current school that it's again optional to send them and I would opt DD out of it.
We went to the two non dom Middle Schools and ExH loved them both kept saying there were amazing and he could imagine DD there. DD preferred one over the other. We hadn’t checked out the cofe school until last but DD kept saying she wanted to see the cofe school before she decided which from her face I think she much preferred the cofe to any of the others. She’s spoken to some of the girls at her Brownies who go to all 3 schools and she still much prefers the sound of the cofe when you talk to her.
ExH is insisting she goes to one of the non doms, keeps trying to big it up to her saying he’ll be able to pick her up and see her more. I know full well if she goes to catchment school he’ll be the same as he is with her current school.
He lives within walking distance of all 3 - we're walking distance from the cofe but a car journey from the other 2 (which sounds odd but they're 0.8m from catchment school then 1.3m and 1.5m from the others and due to DDs mobibility issue she can't walk more than a mile). She hasn’t outright said she wants the catchment school, but she lights up when you mention it compared to the others. But I know he’d still expect me to pick her up from the cofe school and get her changed whereas he'd be fine with her walking from either of the others to his (he's 0.1m from cofe, 0.5m and 0.8m from the others)
For further context as well as the mobility issue DD has in the past refused to go to school, she had counselling from school (not connected to the church or religion in anyway) and she basically said she didn’t like school because her dad doesn’t like it. So I’m aware wherever she goes I need to be able to get her there.
In all previous years to date we’d have got whichever school we put first. I am not religious as I said, I’m not bothered about her going to a school that is though. She will be fine wherever she goes but I think she’d be happier with a friendly face or thirty.
So I think my options are:
- Put the non dom she liked as place 1 to keep ExH happy Or
- Put the CofE as place 1 and tell ExH it was 2 or 3 but that was where we got and hope he doesn’t check figures
Telling ExH that’s where she’s going won’t work.
So WWYD? 1 or 2?