Why am I such a shit and scatty mum

[LongHairedDrummer]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love my DC but just can't seem to get it together with all the things that need to be done to run a household with DC. It's pathetic. I'm an adult woman with a job, and I'm always fucking up the most basic of things. Today it's raining, so I put DC in wellies and we walk to preschool. But then we get there and I've forgotten their regular shoes. Big tears from DC, I promise to go and get them. Come back but of course they won't let me back in to see DC (rightly, can't have mums traipsing in and out all day disrupting kids) so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.

It's just one example of the endless list of ways in which I am shit. Last week I had to drop lunch box round because left on the kitchen counter. I forget to pay for dance class on time. I buy the sandwich ingredients at 9pm the night before school. I buy the suncream on the first day it's a actually sunny, instead of ahead. I never remember that we need new shampoo. I forget to change the car seat to the car I'll be using. We are always running late no matter what time we wake up.

I'm endlessly always rushing around and it feels like no matter how positive and loving I am in the moment, the overall effects on DC are terrible. If only he had his shoes today he would have had a nice hug and ran in happy. I hate being a "scatty mum" it's stressful and upsetting for both me and DC.

I have always been like this, it's cost me jobs in the past when I've been unable to get it together to respond to an email and I've deliberately chosen a career that is light on admin, that's one main and task and with staggered deadlines. Even that, I've not progressed well in because I can't get organised enough for the networking and extra jobs required to succeed. I find it hard to maintain a house nicely. I feel like a complete failure. It was fine when it was just me that was impacted but I can't bear for my idiocy to be the reason a nice day for DC has turned to upset, and for this to be the background bullshit of his life. And this is just preschool! I am absolutely dreading primary already.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help, I feel so defeated. I know most people will read this and think what the fuck is the matter with you, you're the adult parent, just pull it together and be a normal person and remember the things to be done like every other parent on the planet. But if you do have suggestions I'm open to try whatever it takes.

Exactly what sort of HCP are you?

Unusual a) to be stating one is a clinician and offering an opinion about OP's condition on an internet forum and b) not advising her to discuss with her GP if the issues she is describing are making daily life difficult for her over the medium to long term?

At population level evidence suggests ADHD is underdiagnosed in women.

Things that help:

1. school dinners so I’m not messing about with packed lunches. I book a half term at a time.
2. online food shop. I use the shopping list function on my Alexa to add stuff as I think about it. I have one in the kitchen and in the bedroom so if the toothpaste runs out I don’t have to remember to go downstairs to add it to the list.
3. shared WhatsApp group with the DH called ‘school/kids’ and we take photos of letters home/invites/screenshot school emails etc and put it in there. We also add to our shared google calendar at the same time.
4. ive been nagging the DC (who are only early primary) to take responsibility of their own stuff. Reading books and homework go straight back in their bags, not left out. Water bottles are left by their bags so they aren’t forgotten. But basically I’ve told them it’s their responsibility to remember this stuff too.

it is a lot, I do struggle but trying to keep on top of the admin part helps.

@greyflannel I don't need to share my profession with you I'm afraid. That would be extremely outing. What kind of professional are you?

I am merely sharing my opinion on the current diagnostic trends on ADHD and how problematic they are to us on a daily basis at a service level. Many people are diagnosed through a narrow lens, without taking taking account proper developmental history and ruling other, more likely explanations.

I strongly reject your accusation of diagnosing the OP on the internet. That is a serious accusation and inaccurate l. I am labelling the cognitive dysfunction often behind the phenomena she describes and describing other causes of such phenomena in individuals at a population level.

I am not going to advise her to see her GP, that is up to her although you appear to be doing so?

I am fully aware of some of the claims that ADHD is "under diagnosed in women". As I said this area is my bread and butter. It's an extremely complex and contentious issue and depends on how useful one feels diagnosis is.

Thank you so much for this. Seeing all these ‘must be ADHD’ comments as someone diagnosed since childhood is deeply infuriating. It’s not just being a scatter brain or loud. I’m actually a very quiet person who struggled my entire life.

It’s not as common as mumsnet thinks nor is it the stereotypes a lot of posters seem to think it is. We don’t all take medication either and some of us appear outwardly normal and fairly organised due to our coping strategies.

Yep this sounds like me

I am on adult adhd/asd pathway on the nhs as an nhs professional suspected it so referred me with my consent of course. I am hoping if I am diagnosed the medication will help and/or my workplace might make reasonable adjustments because I’m lucky to have this job and the hours so it would be depressing for me to lose it because ‘something’ is stopping me from getting on with it, this happens with most things I get completely overwhelmed and shut down due to the crippling anxiety.

i am not saying op has adhd but I can relate and I have been referred on the nhs without me suspecting it myself, to the outside world I look fine and meet deadlines but it takes a lot behind the scenes to achieve the things I do. Adhd in adult women is complicated and only a professional can diagnose it. I probably don’t have it but an nhs professional thought I should be referred and my day to day life and backstory regarding employments sounds similar to OP.

I use Alexa for a complex system of alarms, reminders, shopping lists which I consult every time I enter a supermarket. She's constantly reminding me of things. I even have one set for the 1st December every year telling me where I put the Xmas lights.

I totally feel you, OP. I have two kids, one at preschool and one in year 1. I feel like I’m drowning. I forget/lose/ruin everything and I am so scatty. It’s a mess.

Also feel overwhelmed every day like I can’t do this, but what alternative do we have?? I have also been told by a friend who works in that field that I have ADHD and likely autism x

I am on the pathway for ADHD. My life is very similar.

School dinners! Cost a fortune but are one less thing to worry about. They alert when their bounce drops but otherwise autopay.

More than one car seat. Expensive but saves a huge amount of stress.

Same with wellies. Double everything you need.

Spare shoes in a bag!

There are kids watches that you can send virtual hugs to. Might help if that's needed.

Honestly I find school difficult too. I have four children and I keep a diary as I need to for work and everything goes in the diary. I check and double check it. Physical diary is best for me but if you can get used to one on your phone then that's even better.

Give your kids some accountability too.

Also a white Board somewhere prominent with significant things like pe days etc on it.

I get it. You're not a shit mum. But I get the feeling.

My DCs are away at university now but when they were at primary school I was uber organised. A few of my tips and tricks, they're probably a bit analogue now though;

a) have a Useful Drawer which contains, pens, sellotape, envelopes, notecards, stamps, small purse filled with pound coins, measuring tape, hair bobbles, address book etc
b) each DC has their OWN HOOK. Their coat, bookbag, scarf and PE kit bag NEVER leave their hook. The second they get home everything goes on their hook, with their shoes underneath (stuff their gloves in their shoes).
c) buy several sets of school uniform and 2 sets of PE kit. Hang their uniforms up - as an outfit - on the same hanger in their wardrobe.