Why am I such a shit and scatty mum

[LongHairedDrummer]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love my DC but just can't seem to get it together with all the things that need to be done to run a household with DC. It's pathetic. I'm an adult woman with a job, and I'm always fucking up the most basic of things. Today it's raining, so I put DC in wellies and we walk to preschool. But then we get there and I've forgotten their regular shoes. Big tears from DC, I promise to go and get them. Come back but of course they won't let me back in to see DC (rightly, can't have mums traipsing in and out all day disrupting kids) so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.

It's just one example of the endless list of ways in which I am shit. Last week I had to drop lunch box round because left on the kitchen counter. I forget to pay for dance class on time. I buy the sandwich ingredients at 9pm the night before school. I buy the suncream on the first day it's a actually sunny, instead of ahead. I never remember that we need new shampoo. I forget to change the car seat to the car I'll be using. We are always running late no matter what time we wake up.

I'm endlessly always rushing around and it feels like no matter how positive and loving I am in the moment, the overall effects on DC are terrible. If only he had his shoes today he would have had a nice hug and ran in happy. I hate being a "scatty mum" it's stressful and upsetting for both me and DC.

I have always been like this, it's cost me jobs in the past when I've been unable to get it together to respond to an email and I've deliberately chosen a career that is light on admin, that's one main and task and with staggered deadlines. Even that, I've not progressed well in because I can't get organised enough for the networking and extra jobs required to succeed. I find it hard to maintain a house nicely. I feel like a complete failure. It was fine when it was just me that was impacted but I can't bear for my idiocy to be the reason a nice day for DC has turned to upset, and for this to be the background bullshit of his life. And this is just preschool! I am absolutely dreading primary already.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help, I feel so defeated. I know most people will read this and think what the fuck is the matter with you, you're the adult parent, just pull it together and be a normal person and remember the things to be done like every other parent on the planet. But if you do have suggestions I'm open to try whatever it takes.

op I'm going to read this whole thread at some point, because everyone has such great suggestions I'm sure I could use! But I have to say, please don't knock yourself! I was/am exactly the same. My children are now 'grown up'/equally scatty/relatively sane adults. They don't remember any times they felt a bit sad because they didn't get a hug at the gates one day, they remember the lovely trips out and the laughs we all had. They even laugh at the scattiness and how we all managed it and how they're just as bad now! Try not to worry they'll be fine; they know they love you and that is ALL that matters x

Please check out the Rock the Housework guided sessions. They are amazing and take you through every single thing (not just housework - planning ahead, winding down…)

There’s a subscription but it’s 100% worth it.

and be gentle on yourself. I have a reputation for being a really ‘together’, calm mum who has it all going right. I’m actually a mess inside half the time and really struggle to do anything spontaneous!

Does sound quite like ADHD!

I am the same OP. In the summer holidays the house was a lot messier because we were all at home but I was more relaxed. Now the dc are back to school and college and the house is tidy again but I feel like my brain physically hurts with all the stuff I have to remember like school dinner forms, college timetable, school trips, pe kit and cooking ingredients. Routine and lists help. I have notes in the diary when the bins go out and whose bedding has been changed.

Interesting so many people have commented on my being good in an emergency as an ADHD trait. My DS is diagnosed with ADHD so I’ve been through the assessment process with him and think I’m just a scatterbrain and trying to keep too many plates spinning.

However OP, what I would say is that he’s an adult now and doesn’t harbour any resentment about my general chaos. I’m sure yours won’t either.

Hello! Just popping back on to report that, as you all predicted, DC had a whale of a time at preschool and never once mentioned the shoe / goodbye saga, he's forgotten all about it and is perfectly happy and untraumatised. We had a nice walk in the park, a game of cards and a living room dance session.

I have done my list for tomorrow, I've found and packed all DC's belongings, and I've planned in my quiet thinking time before bed. Now I'm making my list for October. I feel ready to tackle Wednesday!

I can be the same.

for me, my Alexa echo has saved my sanity.

she is full of reminders that i have set for forms/school stuff or bday reminders.. everything basically! It will ping it to my phone as well so if im out i will get notified too

i have my shopping list on there, i just yell at her to add things when i remember we need it lol

You’ve got this 🥰

do those things to help yourself feel in control. But don’t lose all the fun and chaos and spontaneity - it’s what the kids will love and remember of their childhood.

but it’s not nice to feel out of control when life, school, work expect you to fit into their rigid rules!! So that’s where you need your lists and things. Hope tomorrow morning is smooth and calm for you x

To me you're describing ADHD.

You don't have to go hunting for a diagnosis, just treat yourself like you are. There are coping strategies out there you can have a fiddle with to see what works.

Although the medications, which don't suit everyone, really suit other people who wish they had started taking it earlier.

ADHD here. First of all kill the shame and stop beatig yourself up. Would you berate a child for needing to learn these things? No.

What I find helpful is having a 'only make the mistake once' policy. So, if x went wrong, soon after you come up with a solution to stop it happening again. And keep refining the solution until it sticks. It is a process unfortunately, no one can tell you which solution is best, or even where to start (just start with the one area where being organised will make the most improvement to your life.) But by about the third or fourth time it does start to stick.

At the very least you get to someone, oh I know what went wrong, I forgot to write it on my calendar like I usually do, which sounds infinitely better than I don't know what happened, I just totally forgot.

I sent my daughter in her uniform on PE day today.

I missed their doctors appt a few months ago, having misread the date.

It's ok OP. It's ok not to be perfect. Your child won't know any different and honestly won't care. HE will also do silly things, that's life. Forgive yourself.

Literally writing EVERYTHING down is the only thing that helps me. I have endless lists in my phone. Notifications daily of stuff I need to remember in my diary in my phone.

We have a sort of command board in the kitchen. White board. Stuff to remember. Shopping needed magnets to stick stuff to letter from nursery etc.

Bags are packed the night before no matter how tired I am.

Clothes out ready in the morning.

Online food shop to be delivered. Weekly meal plan on a three week rotation.

A shared joint calendar with DH. If it's not on the calendar it's not happening.

You sound like you're really
Doing the best you can. I promise your child will not have had a shit day because they were wearing wellies! Least their feet would be nice and warm and dry!!

I used to fuck up all the time with stuff like this when the kids were younger. Especially if when it was short notice. Or notice too far in advance. Work had to fill more of my brain cos that's what paid the bills, but as I did drop offs, I wasshears left with the kid stuff too.
Both kids have survived to high school though. One dc is chaotic, disorganised and resistant to any strategies to help. The other is highly organised. They will both probably blame me for their issues.

A friend with a ND household introduced me to the launchpad, a spot chosen in the hall (usually) where all items needed for the next trip out are placed once the current trip is finished. So at bedtime put coats, school bags etc there. After school put swimming bags/cubs stuff/whatever there if applicable. If you're going away put your packed bags, stuff for in the car etc there. The ideal is that all items are checked over while being placed on the launchpad so nothing is missing. Then you set an alarm and when you hear it grab and go. It's not perfect but it does help.

I do things like leaving the lunchbox with the cereal bar in on the worktop, so the sandwiches can go straight in as soon as I get up at 6am. I then put it straight by the front door next to the school bag so you literally have to step over it to get out!

Pause and think through your steps for the next day. Use lists or visual cues to remind you!

This is how I feel sometimes when my brain doesn’t compute what someone is trying to tell me despite me desperately trying to listen.

I use lists and reminders too which help. School sends all letters electronically which is a blessing!

I read it and think, that sounds like me.

Yesterday I forgot the extension tube to his o2. He managed around it but not the point. Dammit I meant to order more O2 for Thursday.
If he realises I haven't given him his lunch box he asks for a school lunch and knows I'll pay afterwards.
Sun cream is brought and put away and then rebrought for the second day of sun.
I lose keys and phones.
I know that doesn't help op, but you're not alone
I have three - 8 and 3 yo twins. They're alive, well, safe. We get through

Your not a shit and scatty mum, there is just an insane amount of stuff to remember and juggle with work, home and children.

And some people are better at it than others - I'm not great but my husband is truly terrible so it falls to me. Do you have a partner and can you share the load / would they find it easier to do certain jobs than you?

Try different ways to use your calendar, alarms, to do lists etc. And give yourself a break when you forget stuff.

As someone who is highly qualified to diagnose ADHD (and I don't mean the kind of "professionals" recently exposed as a shower of shite on Panorama) I find it exasperating the number of people so eager to "diagnose" people on the internet. Or to diagnose themselves.

You sound like you have problems with attentional capacity and regulation at times, along with some difficulty with working memory (complex attention skill, not really me with) and executive function.

These cognitive skills can be impacted on by a number of phenomena. Stress, low mood, anxiety, lack of sleep, being overwhelmed with too many demands. This final one is particularly common and especially so in women (can you guess why?! - carrying the mental load alone people!)

It doesn't actually matter what is causing it to some extent, what is important are compensation strategies/ways of managing.

ADHD absolutely exists in adulthood. However it is not as common as Mumsnet thinks it is. It is highly unlikely that as many people claim to have ADHD, actually do. Neurodivergence is defined as divergence from the norm. If everyone has ADHD, it's something else. Potentially the demands of modern life and technological advances making switching out brains off and resting our attentional systems of harder.

People have given some very helpful suggestions about coping, but do not beat yourself up about it. Being a mum is hard. There is a lot to hold onto. Be kind to yourself

Well done! It's is the constant scramble (which I can totally relate to) that is the problem. Scheduling quiet time and mental space to plan/write lists is a great habit.

Executive functioning problems?

Me too. Dyslexic and my brain isn't wired right. I have lists. Before you go to bed, think about what you have to do the next day. PE kit, lunch etc. Then I do the after school jobs before pick up. I often forget kit lunch etc. Just prove to your kids if you say you go back for it, do it. Then they learn it's not a big deal as your word is good. You will go back with it.

I'm still shit at this. I'm good enough. My eldest is a adult. No ones died. They know they are lived. It's OK.

However I know super organised mums who lay out everything the night before. The mornings run like clockwork. That sets the tone of their day. Adopting that I guess is a good idea. I need to work toward that.

Stop beating yourself up is number 1. No If us have all our shit together. Every one fed, no one dead is my moto.

I'm very similar but I've learnt ways to manage it.
Things like a calendar in the wall which I've taught dc to check too (they are so much better at remembering than I am!)
Things go in there straight away.
Keys go in the same place - a hanging thing by the kitchen
Alexa reminds us to do everything.
Bags and clothes ready the night before

I'm so thankful to the friends I've made at school. They always spoke about what's going on in school and would ask 'what's your dc wearing for book day tomorrow?' And so on. I'd be like oh shit forgot about that.

Your dc will probably remind you about shoes next time they wear their wellies to school.

I recently bought a big old fashioned paper diary / organiser. I have put kids daily activities in and what I need to have ready next to it ie Tues L swimming - hat etc. B gymnastics - water bottle. Even really obvious stuff. I also started writing monthly things as PP said, so for October I have my sisters birthday, Halloween costumes, renew car insurance etc.

It's like Dumbledores pensieve, when info goes into the book my brain space is freed up and I feel calmer. I wouldn't say I'm forgetful but I'm constantly trying to think what i need to remember and it's stressful and exhausting.

Whether ADHD or not, it possibly makes no difference as you still have to do these things. If its not coming natural then you have to set up tools to help you. It's not a reflection on you or your parenting so pls don't beat yourself up.

We're the kind of household where DS2 left his shoes in school without realising so next morning, went to school in DS1's shoes. Being (undiagnosed at that point) autistic, DS1 had his day ruined by not having his shoes, and the fear of being told off for wearing trainers to school. He then had difficulty in explaining to DS2's teacher that he'd come to collect his shoes off DS2's feet and DS2 had to go and collect his own shoes from the hall. Fortunately I was helping with reading that day and in the area when I heard DS1 struggling and ended up helping.

Both DCs have executive function issues (DS2 is dyslexic so has his own issues). I mainly coped with life pre-DCs, give or take some flunked coursework, and a lot of scraping through by the skin of my teeth. Trying to manage them on top is a whole different level as I'm trying to think for them and it's 3 peoples' levels of evasive life-shit being determined to dodge any kind of system. The most effective way for me to fuck-up is to plan in advance; absolutely guarenteed to make me over look something big, have it long rotted away in my memory or just turning up a month early. The other thing about herding my children through life is that there is the extra baggage of dealing with being ND. More variation in who needs to be where, and when with interventions/ tutoring or just continuing activities for years due to slow progress.

I have a bag for everything (note to self, deal with fusty wet swimming kit in the morning or at least before 3pm Monday), and multiple stuff where I'm likely to need it. Multiple toothbrushes just last longer anyway. But then it's a fine line between having more stuff to cope vs more stuff to lose/ organise.

Rock the housework has been life-changing. When I talk about it, there are two types of people, the "OMG that's brilliant" types and the "why the fuck would you need a podcast telling you how to clean a kitchen???" It turns out it's a ADHD stratgy of mirroring/ body doubling where you find it easier doing something with someone else. And why wouldn't you need guiding through household chores? It's not faliure to need driving lessons or refer to a cook book. Why should household stuff be the only thing in life apparently devoid of instructions, teaching or guidence?

Clutterbug is a good youtuber. She's identified 4 organisation styles for different personalities. I need things very visual and on display, but it's a fine line between having it out as a prompt or going blind to it in 3 days.

Lists are awkward for me as you have to organise your thoughts in order to make a list, so that's a second layer of organisation after you caught the thoughts flitting through your head like derranged butterflies and they're for people who already know what they're doing. Mind maps are much more sensible (I did always wonder what the consultant who diagnosed DS made of the detailed mind map of my concerns on its distinctively bright piece of paper- strategically chosen so I didn't lose it)
I like putting things in the phone calendar immediately because I inevitably have my phone, plus reninders. But not too many or my brain will block them. Obviously getting the month right matters. Turning up a month early (particularly easily done in June/ July or Feb/ March) is quite bewildering.

Yes to good in a crisis. Childs face gushing blood because they were mucking about and split their eyelid on a door handle at 8:47 as they should be leaving the house, no problem, grab a dressing and cheer them up with pirate jokes as you march off to school. Much easier to deal with than mind-boggling concepts like what the heck will I want to wear in the morning, and how on earth am I supposed to predict if it's a day where I need to wear pink or yellow to get through it let alone if the weather forecast went rogue.

The most interesting people tend to be the ones hurtling through life by the seat of their pants. I seem to attract similar types anyway!
Knowing what you'll be doing, eating and wearing on Friday is a mind numbing concept (DS is a master of combining eating with wearing. Another frequent last minute curveball)

I just wanted to echo that you aren't shit

Sound like you might be edging close to burnout

The strategies suggested sound amazing and like a really relevant solution

I wanted to add one - I know your boy came out happy despite no hug, but something that works for us is putting hugs and kisses in the bank - so when we are feeling snuggly and lovey we put extra hugs and kisses in the bank and then remind DC if they need one they have it in the bank to remind them - this started for us with school trips but might work for your boy to build resilience as well?