Why am I such a shit and scatty mum

[LongHairedDrummer]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love my DC but just can't seem to get it together with all the things that need to be done to run a household with DC. It's pathetic. I'm an adult woman with a job, and I'm always fucking up the most basic of things. Today it's raining, so I put DC in wellies and we walk to preschool. But then we get there and I've forgotten their regular shoes. Big tears from DC, I promise to go and get them. Come back but of course they won't let me back in to see DC (rightly, can't have mums traipsing in and out all day disrupting kids) so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.

It's just one example of the endless list of ways in which I am shit. Last week I had to drop lunch box round because left on the kitchen counter. I forget to pay for dance class on time. I buy the sandwich ingredients at 9pm the night before school. I buy the suncream on the first day it's a actually sunny, instead of ahead. I never remember that we need new shampoo. I forget to change the car seat to the car I'll be using. We are always running late no matter what time we wake up.

I'm endlessly always rushing around and it feels like no matter how positive and loving I am in the moment, the overall effects on DC are terrible. If only he had his shoes today he would have had a nice hug and ran in happy. I hate being a "scatty mum" it's stressful and upsetting for both me and DC.

I have always been like this, it's cost me jobs in the past when I've been unable to get it together to respond to an email and I've deliberately chosen a career that is light on admin, that's one main and task and with staggered deadlines. Even that, I've not progressed well in because I can't get organised enough for the networking and extra jobs required to succeed. I find it hard to maintain a house nicely. I feel like a complete failure. It was fine when it was just me that was impacted but I can't bear for my idiocy to be the reason a nice day for DC has turned to upset, and for this to be the background bullshit of his life. And this is just preschool! I am absolutely dreading primary already.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help, I feel so defeated. I know most people will read this and think what the fuck is the matter with you, you're the adult parent, just pull it together and be a normal person and remember the things to be done like every other parent on the planet. But if you do have suggestions I'm open to try whatever it takes.

Realistically your dc are probably having a nice day, not actually feeling sad all day. Teacher will have smoothed it over. Don’t make a huge deal of it later - let them know that you’re proud of them for managing (in whatever way you do) and problem solve a bit about how we’ll check shoes tomorrow. It’s just a blip, that’s all. They’ve probably learned an important organisation skill and that’s a good thing!

This! I’m returning to work after maternity leave pretty much full time imminently with 2 young children. Husband has been told lm no longer the default parent and it’s going to be 50/50

I am loving the suggestion given on the thread. I’m terrible in the morning do getting stuff laid out really helps. I have already tried to get the boring but important stuff on subscriptions to be delivered to the house e.g. toilet paper, cat food, cat litter etc

Calendars ( the family one so each person has their own space)
Lists
And reminders on your phone.
If you are running out of something add it to the shopping list there and then.

Ah, dear OP.
This reminds me of my times in the past too.
Re; the keys thing...My DH used to say, well can't you just hand them up on the hook when you get in?
And I'd screech, "Well, all very well, but it's hard to remember to do that when you've got 3 under 6, tesco bags to get in from the car one's been sick"
I ended up with a note stuck to the front door to remind myself to hang up the keys...it did work, actually.

OP, I bet you're a warm, loving mother. All the super-organised do is congratulate themselves on being so organised.

There have been such good, lovely bits of advice on this thread...to the poster upthread who dances with her child, I remember doing the Can Can with my 2 year old...

It isn't ALL about organisation, but it is a little bit, and that will help bring peace to you and DC.

By all means, pursue a diagnosis if ADHD if it feels right, and take meds if that helps but sometimes "scatty" is also on the spectrum of normal.
I really, really doubt your DC will foster any longterm resentment about you, into middle life, because you are a bit scatty.
Take heart!

This is me! I'm awful at day to day being organised but EXCELLENT in any kind of emergency / pressure situation when any ' normal' person would panic.

Where's your packed lunch now, Linda?

@Findyourneutralspace

On the plus side, I’m ace in an emergency because my entire life feels like an emergency, so I’m cool as a cucumber in the midst of absolute chaos.

Apparently that's one of the classic signs of ADHD. It's also the reason loads of ADHD people work in the emergency services, A&E, etc.

OP, I was like this when DC were small. Are you also a perfectionist? You don't start things unless you can devote 💯 to them for hours? Unless you can do something AMAZINGLY well, you won't bother?

How are you with to-do lists? Could you take 30 minutes every weekend to plan the upcoming week? Then create a simple wipe-clean to-do list with reminders for stuff?

@DonaNobisPacem I LOVE the McDonald's kitchen story, I'll think of this as I try to bring some intuitive organisation to my life! Actually thinking of making things intuitive for use is a helpful way of thinking about why organisation and spending time finding places for things is so useful. Touch it once admin tasks are also a great idea, I'll strive for this.

This is good timing, I'm really glad I started this thread. I have just moved house 5 days ago, and so still very much in the process of fidning places for things, and so it is the perfect time to really make sure I don't end up with piles of things on counters or in "those" draws like I did at my old house.

To those asking, yes I do have a partner (he's DC's dad) - he leaves for work early and honestly is probably just as bad as me - although he CAN seem to do it when he has to, like when I'm away with work. I think it's just that DC admin things all seem to fall on me. He does do all of the house admin, in fairness. He has very particualr ideas about things, like what DC can eat and wear, but I find these rules impossible to follow, so we tend to just do our own thing when it comes to DC.

@Carouselfish You are kidding! This is making me rethink. My mind goes completely blank when I hear directions, it's an ongoing joke in my family how I cheerfully smile and thank the person whose just given me long and detailed direction, do the very first thing they instructed me to do, and then immediately ask someone else the same question.

Learning that the first half of "a place for everything and everything in its place" is just as important as the second. Mess and disorganisation happen when you have possessions which don't have a place, so they sit around in the side in the kitchen until they get lost.

I used to like Flylady for her no-nonsense attitude to ‘stuff’. One of her mantras was: you can’t organise clutter - and if you have Stuff hanging about the house that has no place because you neither want nor use it - think the spiraliser you bought a couple of years ago, or the odds and ends of fabric you’ve convinced yourself will make a great costume for World Book Day, or that hideous ornament your MIL gave you for Christmas - you should really get rid of it.

This is me! I do not have ADHD but I just seem to be constantly catching my tail! I sometimes think it’s a hormone imbalance (of which I do have) I am almost 10 years into this motherhood rodeo (I am 32) and like you, I have always been kike this, however it wasn’t so bad when it was just me ruining my own day. I used to beat myself up too, however I have gotten to the point now where I have accepted, it’s just part of me (not all of me) and I will tell the kids, this is what makes us human, because the likelihood of them being similar to me is probably quite high and I’d hate for them to beat themselves up about it, I now present it like a quirk when I forget something ‘oh look, mummy brought all this other stuff but typically, I’ve forgotten the one thing we really really needed, never mind, this is the solution’ and then I let them know how I can fix it or how it’s not a big deal that can ruin our day!
you are not alone, you’re trying your best and you’re doing just fine! I bet your kid thinks you’re amazing!

Oh OP I resonate with this so much, I constantly feel overwhelmed and forget things, I feel incapable of basic things that everyone else seems to be able to handle with ease. I've been wondering myself recently about ADHD. The only thjng I can suggest is putting reminders in your phone/calendar for everything. Also if you remember you need to do something ie pack shoes do it immediately. If I remember something and don't do it immediately I will forget completely. Just know you're not alone

Mine are adults now but I remember those very hectic/chaotic days well. I still have them as I have a rather odd lifestyle of travelling quite a bit between homes and my family coming and going too.

I had launch pads for the kids, everything they needed for the next day was put there ready to go, my two were told "put it on the launch pad or it will get forgotten", if it was forgotten that was down to them. Our launch pads was the bottom step of the stairs, not particularly convenient but highly visible so rarely stuff was forgotten.

These days my launch pad is a console table in my porch, I have catch-alls (a glass dish) that my keys & sunglasses go in, several big baskets that my scarves, gloves, bag gets dumped into but looks neat as the baskets look fab. I have a basket for mail too. In fact my whole porch is my launch pad now when anything needs to leave I put it in there so I can see it. I do put things straight in the car as well, but then drive around for a week with it before it gets dropped off lol.

Where I find myself putting things down and creating clutter I've put a glass tray, once its overflowing I cull. My mantra is "coral your crap" it works for me. I have catch alls all over the house, tv controls get put on a glass dish by the tv, my makeup is on a glass tray in my bedroom, my jewellery has little dishes of its own (I take my rings off when I cook).

Going back to the kids stuff, I got a family planner calendar, columns for each member so I could see clearly where and what everyone was doing and things they needed. This was pinned on a board in my kitchen, EVERYTHING that came in that needed action was written down on the calendar then clipped to the back of it with a peg. Sometimes the calendar fell down because it was too heavy, it got stick back up with stronger pins. If it wasn't on my calendar it wasn't happening. Any invites received my stock response was I need to check my calendar. It was my lifeline.

Due to my circumstances of going between different homes I turned into a bit of a prepper, so bought everything in bulk, one for each base plus spare (no pandemic panic buying for me). I also bought extra clothes for the children so there was less pressure on me to turn laundry around.

Don't go as far as making sandwiches in bulk and freezing them, I tried that, thought it worked nicely as a time saver, my now adult dd happily tells me I've traumatised her with half frozen sandwiches, can't win them all.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, you sound a lovely mum. I kept telling myself good enough is good enough, mine have reached adulthood now and we're still very close so I don't think my chaotic-ness has done too much harm.

Adhd

I'm like this. I hate it and find it so frustrating but I'm 42 and I've always been the same, so I don't think it's something I can change at this point! I've definitely found it harder since having a kid, there's just SO MUCH to remember plus working full time. I struggled before I had another human to think about! I strongly suspect I have ADHD as I tick almost all the boxes, but don't want to medicate so I just absorb the ADHD-related social media content and cut myself some slack, because my brain definitely works differently to more organised friends.

My top tip is to prepare in advance. I cannot think when I'm rushing, so in situations when I know I'm in a rush - like breakfast and school run - I just make sure I get everything ready the night before. Clothes laid out, water bottle filled and in fridge, shoes by the door, literally everything.

Also a reminders app. I live my life by Sticky Notes. And a joint calendar with DP so he knows what's going on too.

And I keep doubles/triples of everything I need. There's absolutely no way I'll remember to move my lip balm/tampons/hand cream from my work bag to my weekend bag, so I just keep one of everything I need in every place I'll need it. I have a second make-up bag of basics in my work bag in case I was in too much of a rush to do make up before I left.

Also I really, really try to put things I need often, like keys or phone, in the same place every time. I tend to just put them down wherever and forget where I put them, so if I always say to myself 'No, keys go in the basket' and go and put them in, I'm helping myself out tomorrow.

It's hard work though. My brain is constantly on and chattering away at me about all the things I need to do.

ADHD hyper focus explains this. It's very common. Read about it - it fits you exactly.

Same with "obsessions" that can last a few weeks before you move on to the next hobby/interest/celebrity to be over interested in before losing all interest. It's the dopamine hit you're searching for.

I am so organised when it comes to work. I manage a team here and our outsourcing team. I organise and ensure we deliver hundreds (and sometimes over 1000,) deliverables per month. We have constant deadlines that we meet all year round. I really have my shit together at work.

With DC though, I am a mess. I really try, eg first day back to school this year I was so organised. We were up early, there on time, everything DS needed in his bag. Mid morning I was making a cup of coffee and there was his school lunch, still sat in the fridge. I had to rush up to school again and hand it in.

I constantly forget to send in signed forms etc.

I don't collect the kids often so when I do, I have to set reminders on my phone so I don't forget to collect them. I know this is really awful.

I'm going to try some of the tips here. One thing which is helping me this year is a page I stuck up in the wardrobe with the days of the week on it. Each day I have listed what uniform and sports equipment DC will need. It means I don't have to go back looking for emails and am forgetting things like this less.

I don’t know but I am the same and always have been so completely empathise. My kids are older now and they remind me to do things and say “don’t forget”. I feel really crap around organised, amazing mums who have the capacity to home-make pizzas etc. I will have a ‘good’ week more often than I used to now, but then the next week will go to shit again when something throws me.

It’s actually really insulting the amount of people on this thread who think purely being unorganised is ADHD. As someone diagnosed as a child with ADHD, being as another poster said ‘fretting ra ra Ra’ is the classic stereotype which omits a lot of other symptoms of a mental disorder which people are appropriating so they don’t have to take responsibility. This is the reason a lot of long term diagnosed ADHDers bloody hate the new wave of self diagnosed, you’re the reason it’s still not being taken seriously.

To start with OP, I think you need to set small goals you want to achieve and the reasons as to why. Why do you think you’re a bad mum a what or who are you basing this on? Have you tried words of affirmation in the mirror as a negative frame of mind breeds negative situations. Are you getting enough sleep, help, exercise etc as this can lead to the brain struggling to cope. I hope it gets better.

This is me to a T!! 😂Because my life is total chaos I'm not phased by very chaotic situations - helps at work 👍

I am like this and now they are older my children are more organised than me. However, I can generally get it together for work purposes so it’s mainly when I’m left to my own devices!

Don’t beat yourself up OP.
If you were a man you’d be considered competent!

Spot on.

To those asking, yes I do have a partner (he's DC's dad) - he leaves for work early and honestly is probably just as bad as me - although he CAN seem to do it when he has to, like when I'm away with work. I think it's just that DC admin things all seem to fall on me. He does do all of the house admin, in fairness.

I had one like this and it absolutely fucked me up. I did it all, through sheer force of well, until I almost had a breakdown. Now my motor is broken. That’s the only way I can describe it.

If he can do it sometimes he can do it all the time. Be careful he is not spending longer at work ‘to show willing’ or whatever. Beyond doing what he needs to do to keep income at minimum doable level, his career does not take priority over your well-being. He is their parent too.

I put everything in my phone calendar now with an alert in at a time when I know I will be able to deal with it. It’s no good having a calendar on the wall as I would forget to look at the wall. Perhaps you could start doing things that way? I sometimes tag my partner on my calendar entry so that he can remind me too.
everyone has days like this too - plan something fun you can do when you collect little one later x

Are you nice to your kids? Do they feel safe with you? Will they look back on their childhood happily?

I'm sure the answer is yes so you are NOT A shit mum. Your child's day won't be ruined by the wrong shoes! I'm a teacher (and scatty mum) and kids get over these things very quickly.

There's just loads of admin with kids and it's easy to drop a ball. Cut yourself some slack.