Why am I such a shit and scatty mum

[LongHairedDrummer]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love my DC but just can't seem to get it together with all the things that need to be done to run a household with DC. It's pathetic. I'm an adult woman with a job, and I'm always fucking up the most basic of things. Today it's raining, so I put DC in wellies and we walk to preschool. But then we get there and I've forgotten their regular shoes. Big tears from DC, I promise to go and get them. Come back but of course they won't let me back in to see DC (rightly, can't have mums traipsing in and out all day disrupting kids) so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.

It's just one example of the endless list of ways in which I am shit. Last week I had to drop lunch box round because left on the kitchen counter. I forget to pay for dance class on time. I buy the sandwich ingredients at 9pm the night before school. I buy the suncream on the first day it's a actually sunny, instead of ahead. I never remember that we need new shampoo. I forget to change the car seat to the car I'll be using. We are always running late no matter what time we wake up.

I'm endlessly always rushing around and it feels like no matter how positive and loving I am in the moment, the overall effects on DC are terrible. If only he had his shoes today he would have had a nice hug and ran in happy. I hate being a "scatty mum" it's stressful and upsetting for both me and DC.

I have always been like this, it's cost me jobs in the past when I've been unable to get it together to respond to an email and I've deliberately chosen a career that is light on admin, that's one main and task and with staggered deadlines. Even that, I've not progressed well in because I can't get organised enough for the networking and extra jobs required to succeed. I find it hard to maintain a house nicely. I feel like a complete failure. It was fine when it was just me that was impacted but I can't bear for my idiocy to be the reason a nice day for DC has turned to upset, and for this to be the background bullshit of his life. And this is just preschool! I am absolutely dreading primary already.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help, I feel so defeated. I know most people will read this and think what the fuck is the matter with you, you're the adult parent, just pull it together and be a normal person and remember the things to be done like every other parent on the planet. But if you do have suggestions I'm open to try whatever it takes.

ADHD?

Or just overwhelmed with the amount you need to do?

I’m following because I’m exactly the same. I’m pretty sure it’s not ADHD. I’m just a complete scatterbrain.

On the plus side, I’m ace in an emergency because my entire life feels like an emergency, so I’m cool as a cucumber in the midst of absolute chaos.

For me routine works but if you do have ADHD then that will be difficult. Try to make life easier, have a car seat in each car. I have a calendar of things I need to do each month every year as I would never remember. I add things I wish I had done this year. So October says

• XXXX anniversary of XXXX death
• bleed radiators
• Halloween costume
• plan pumpkins
• MOT
• XXXX Jbirthday
• winter declutter
• XXXX review winter wardrobe and the girls
• stock up winter weather
• 2027 6 months left on XXX passport
• Buy new calendar
• Home insurance renews XXXX
• XXXX eye test
• Cob web removal
• Buy salt/grit
• Renew mortgage 2026
• Renew XXXX Passport (2025)

Oh bless you! I have done countless rubbish things with my kids but they are a bit older now and turned out fine! It’s hard when you are working to juggle everything.

My tips would be:

• make all school / dance other email addresses VIP so they ping when you receive an email
• deal with school and other kid related bills and admin as soon as they are received
• keep lunches simple and buy the longer life rolls etc so you have them in for the week ahead
• look at the weather the night before and put stuff in bags / by the front door accordingly
• do an Amazon subscription for the toiletries you use regularly
• stop beating yourself up!

Could you have a checklist at the door and make it a routine that you check everything together with kids?

Shampoo, suncream etc - could have schedule a subscription with amazon then you don't think about it?

It sounds like you also need to factor in extra time so in your head tell yourself you need to leave 15 mins earlier than you do.

Could you have adhd? My friends who do use lots of lists!

@Findyourneutralspace oh we really are the same, I'm also very calm in an emergency! Because everything is always chaos anyway.

@Lookingforasilverlining thank you, my friends with ADHD are convinced that I have it. I've never been sure because I can focus on things no problem, it's doing more than one thing or situations like school that require you to remember more than one thing that I can't cope with. When DC was little and the only thing I had to bring to nursery was a hat I could do it. And my job requires me to focus intently on one thing for weeks, and I can do it with very little distraction for hours. Maybe I am overwhelmed, it just always feels like too much. Like the smallest and easiest of tasks just completely overwhelm me.

Oh OP me too, and I'm a SAHM at the moment! I've spent so long beating my self up just like you are. Calling myself an idiot, stupid, incapable. I'm terrified of going back to work because of it. But.... I'm really good at giving cuddles. Reading books. Doing painting, swimming, dancing round the kitchen, singing silly songs. Making them laugh, making them feel better when they are sad. And lots of other things. And most of the stuff I forget doesn't really matter, like the school shoes. DC knows you love them, one goodbye won't change that.

I now have a little girl who is actually just like me and I don't think she's an idiot or stupid, so I need to be kinder to myself so she can be kind to herself too. I have thought for a while that maybe I have ADHD, after looking up symptoms of ADHD in children for her I realised I ticked every box. Maybe something to consider for yourself? Even if it's not that, people are different and have different strengths and weaknesses. Please don't beat yourself up all day

A lot of what you describe is kind of normal. We all forget things sometimes, it doesn't make you a shit mum. I doubt your DD was feeling sad all day because you didn't say goodbye properly - she will have been having fun at school. There are practical things you can do. Make lists. And more lists. Put a post it note on the front door the night before with the things you need to remember to take with you or do before you leave. You don't mention a partner. If there is one, get them to take some of the responsibility from you for certain things. Give the DC some responsibilities. Kids love being helpful.

I know you said you don't think it's ADHD but this is one of the classic presentations; being very good in an emergency situation but scatterbrained in normal times.

I'm glad it's not just me then. I have even seen the doctor because I thought the forgetfulness was something more sinister i.e I forget a word and can't complete the sentence but that's just another thing.

When I was younger and busy like you OP I had an awful lot on my plate and there was always something I forgot - sometimes more trivial than important but equally so the other way around too and it meant I felt like I was letting my children down.

All I can offer is - write everything down on a calendar for dates and times - and as for the rest ask your children to help you by reminding you about things.

I think being a mum is a tough job especially when you work as well. You have a huge skill set which is in practice every day and there are always going to be days when something gets overlooked. It is worse when you see other mums who appear to have it all together, but I bet they don't.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and excellent tips. Everyone is saying list and I think that you are right!! It's the only system that works for me, but I hadn't thought of literally having lists by the door. I'm making one now for tomorrow. I love @Lookingforasilverlining s yearly list of things for the month ahead, that sound absolutely brilliant and I will try this. Do you have one list that you use year in and year out or do you copy it all over?

I really like the idea of involving DC in the job so it feels like they are involved and will remind me too. I'll try this tomorrow.

Thanks also to everyone's kind words of reassurance, it's really good to hear.

so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.

I doubt it .. they'll probably forget all about it.

This is also an ADHD thing 👀

I find the Microsoft 'To do' app really helpful for staying on track with things. I have lists for each of my children and deadlines/reminder alarms can be added etc. Also, I find that I get serious brain fog when I'm deficient in certain vitamins, so if your memory is much worse than usual, then it's worth getting a blood test to double check whether anything else is up

Probably ADHD. There are lots of tips and methods explained online that people use to try to impose organisation on themselves, you need to trial a few and see what works for you. Some people get on well with calendars in their phones and reminders that pop up - you could set a reminder for each pre-school morning with the set things you need to put in the bag, put reminders in for birthdays a week before they happen saying to buy a present and card, have a recurring check pop up on the last day of each month with "do you need more shampoo?". Other people prefer analogue and would have wall calendars and physical lists of things that you cross off, putting sticky notes on the front door saying "got shoes"? Or sticky notes on your keys saying "check bag?" "got lunch?". You could have a mini alarm clock and set it each day for five minutes before you need to leave, next to the key items you need to bring. Ideally everything should have a place and be returned to that place when you're finished with it, then you always know where to find it - no hunting for shoes and sunhats, they've been put in a fabric box by the front door ready for next time.

It would likely help if you try to blame and criticise yourself less and acknowledge that your brain works differently, you're not scatty because you're lazy, you can focus, you just find it more difficult to hold tasks in the front of your mind. But you're working on ways to get better at it and to solve the problems it can cause by using strategies.

I have a friend who's a great mum and good organiser of her house - always looks good and she cooks from scratch every meal. But for the life of her cannot get her head around what day is mufti, when the next school trip is, when she needs to get match day kit ready... she only has one kid and doesn't work! I say something about an activity and she's always like 'what? When did we hear about that'?

I set reminders for everything on my phone.

Pe day
Non uniform day
Homework due etc

so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.
this is a bit much, don't pass your anxieties to your kids, they'll have forgot all about it. Don't mention it later, encourage their resilience.

I have the dentist's phone number with DO NOT IGNORE as I've missed the odd appointment by accident.

Buy things like shampoo in bulk (not loads but enough to see you through - last lot I bought a pack of 3 bottles).

We all make silly mistakes, the trick is a) to learn from them and b) STOP beating yourself up - your DC will be fine!

It's a heck of a lot though isn't it, like today for example between x2 DC we needed a PE kit, food tech ingredients, to return a signed slip, a cross country kit that required replacement trainers yesterday evening as too small, some new football socks, my spin class and DC football training.

It's like this every single day, I also have a dog, a house, and a full time job on the side. The only thing I can suggest is think every day through, do as much as you possibly can the night before, and put absolutely everything on a calendar!

Bullet journal

How are you at housework? The organised mum might be worth reading.

How are you at planning Xmas? Again the organised mum is a good shout.

And consider the very real possibility that you have ADHD. Follow some pages/groups on social media. They'll probably give you more insight and useful tools.

Probably ADHD

You can't be serious? Actually it's probably NOT ADHD.

You're probably exhausted OP. It's hard work looking after kids. Give yourself a break.

Honestly I could have written this post !! I feel your pain , I also constantly feel like I'm rushing , forgetting , fretting ra ra ra but have recently had a good friend suggest I might have ADHD , the more I look into it it definately sounds possible !!
Have you ever looked into that ?
Your not doing shit though , atal! life is so busy all the time , a constant juggling act it find 😮‍💨
Wish I had good advice I could give you ...

Can you afford to spend a bit of money?
I'm exactly like you. Things that have helped are:

• car seat in each car

• home wellies and nursery wellies. One set lives in the car so the worst that happens if I forget is I need to go back to the car

• hats and coats - same as wellies

• school dinners not packed lunches

-download an app that has a shared calendar. We use Family Wall. Everything goes on there so chances are either DH or I will pick it up. This is backed up by a good old fashioned paper calendar that hangs in the kitchen. On new year's day this year I sat and work out all the MOT/tax/birthdays and put them into both calendars. It's worked really well. Hopefully this year I won't realise the car needs an MOT with 2 days to spare!