Why am I such a shit and scatty mum

[LongHairedDrummer]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love my DC but just can't seem to get it together with all the things that need to be done to run a household with DC. It's pathetic. I'm an adult woman with a job, and I'm always fucking up the most basic of things. Today it's raining, so I put DC in wellies and we walk to preschool. But then we get there and I've forgotten their regular shoes. Big tears from DC, I promise to go and get them. Come back but of course they won't let me back in to see DC (rightly, can't have mums traipsing in and out all day disrupting kids) so DC hasn't said a proper goodbye to me because they were upset about their shoes. They'll be sad about that all day now.

It's just one example of the endless list of ways in which I am shit. Last week I had to drop lunch box round because left on the kitchen counter. I forget to pay for dance class on time. I buy the sandwich ingredients at 9pm the night before school. I buy the suncream on the first day it's a actually sunny, instead of ahead. I never remember that we need new shampoo. I forget to change the car seat to the car I'll be using. We are always running late no matter what time we wake up.

I'm endlessly always rushing around and it feels like no matter how positive and loving I am in the moment, the overall effects on DC are terrible. If only he had his shoes today he would have had a nice hug and ran in happy. I hate being a "scatty mum" it's stressful and upsetting for both me and DC.

I have always been like this, it's cost me jobs in the past when I've been unable to get it together to respond to an email and I've deliberately chosen a career that is light on admin, that's one main and task and with staggered deadlines. Even that, I've not progressed well in because I can't get organised enough for the networking and extra jobs required to succeed. I find it hard to maintain a house nicely. I feel like a complete failure. It was fine when it was just me that was impacted but I can't bear for my idiocy to be the reason a nice day for DC has turned to upset, and for this to be the background bullshit of his life. And this is just preschool! I am absolutely dreading primary already.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help, I feel so defeated. I know most people will read this and think what the fuck is the matter with you, you're the adult parent, just pull it together and be a normal person and remember the things to be done like every other parent on the planet. But if you do have suggestions I'm open to try whatever it takes.

I just think you're beating yourself up unnecessarily - most of us fuck up on a daily basis and forgive ourselves instantly or don't even register it. If you're not a brain surgeon your mistakes probably don't matter much - for example your child definitely won't be sad all day because you didn't say goodbye the right way. They were busy shoving playdough up another child's nose 10 seconds after you left.

Make lists, do some/most of the things on the list, and look around at everyone else. They are not getting everything done either.

These are all great tips, thank you. I will try all of this. I am very guilty of leaving things scattered everywhere and then running around screeching "has anyone seen my keys?? Has anyone seen DC's bag???" So I will really try to have everything in its place . It's also a really good point you raise about looking at online tips for people with ADHD regardless of if I have it or not, as there will be techniques for disciplining myself.

I am now making a list of everyone's tips so I don't forget any. I've really taken the list thing on board! All of these suggestions are great, I feel that I have set things I can work on now, rather than just wallowing in a pit of despair.

Agreed on the buying in bulk, if you have room to store it. For everything vital you could have at least 2-3 bottles. So e.g. shampoo, calpol, washing up liquid, one bottle in use, one bottle in the cupboard to use next, and a spare. When the in use one runs out, add it to your shopping list and buy another. Start on the next one, and you still have a spare, but you should be buying the next one so you always have a buffer.

If you have the money for it- duplicates everywhere. A car seat in each car. A set of cheap plimsoles in the nursery bag, to live there in case you forget on a welly day. Spare coins in the car for when you need a £ for x at nursery. A calendar with giant spaces, plus a phone calendar with reminders. Everything in each bag so if one day you need a work bag, have your work bag set up with spare cash, pens etc and then have your everyday bag set up the same. In car chargers in every car. The things you take out everyday - keys, purse, sunglasses etc- kept near the front door. Doing everything everyday in the same order. A couple of £10 notes and £1 coins in a pocket in each of my coats in case.

This is how I manage! (Also, echoing others to say it sounds like adhd- I am waiting for a referral for assessment/ diagnosis and what you have described is very much what my days are like if I dont add the above scaffolding to my day).

Sorry if someone has already mentioned this but I find having a sit down a when it's quiet and having a real hard think about what chores you need to do then put them all into your to-do list. I use Apple reminders. They have an option to do location based reminders so my phone pings when I get to the supermarket or wherever with reminders to tell me what to remember.

Also, you need to factor in s few moments where you stop and have a good think. Just before you leave the house, just before you go to bed or whenever. It sounds so ridiculously obvious but some people dash around all the time when you actually have to stop and THINK . Maybe some people can do it as they go along but I can't.

Thank you, you're probably right!! I think I'm feeling fragile about this because on Friday DC ran into preschool and waved over their shoulder, so I waved and off they went. When I picked DC up and he ran to me yelling "you forgot my hug this morning!!" And the teacher said that he had been upset and (I quote!) "Had obviously carried it with him all day". He then mentioned it a lot in the evening, even though I tried to play it down with a "silly mummy, we'll definitely remember next time!". Only for this to happen! He is a sensitive and routine based child, I'd say. But you're completely right, it's probably my anxiety over this getting in the way and he did play most of that day, and I'm sure is happily playing now.

Yes the running around looking for things happens a lot in my friends' house and is a time-killer and just frustrating. Not being able to find the sun cream because it hasn't been put back in the cupboard it technically should live in, it's still languishing in one of many possible rucksacks from being taken out on a trip last week. Where are X's shoes? They aren't by the front door, he just came in wearing them and kicked them off somewhere in the living room and have been buried under toys or disappeared under a sofa. Some order has been imposed and it's a work in progress, but it requires constant attention - if bags don't get unpacked, and shoes returned to the box every day, the system breaks down.

@LoudAndSqueaky excellent advice. I am going to build in time each evening to stop and think, and plan the day (most likely by writing a list). I have just ordered a calendar notebook for my daily lists. Also before leaving, sounds simple now you say it but I'm always just running out.

I completely agree with those saying write things down and have a place for everything! It does really help.

• Keys always sit/hang in the same place so you never lose them
• I wrote a checklist next to the front door so we remember everything (lunchbox, shoes, bag etc)
• I have a planner on the kitchen wall and everything gets written on the planner and also into my phone calendar so I don’t forget things & nobody else has any excuse if they forget 😂
• I set alarms for everything I need to remember to do

Also remember you’re busy and have a small child so it’s OK to sometimes forget things. We aren’t perfect, shit happens.

A lot of what you describe is kind of normal.

Well yes, it is. If it's only happening from time to time. But if it's bad enough to disrupt a person's life significantly and causes them to wonder if something is wrong, then maybe it's worth investigating. When someone has multiple symptoms which point to, say, ADHD, someone always pops onto the thread to tell them it's normal. It really isn't. Not when it's a recurrent theme and causes this degree of anxiety and self flagellation.

Why isn’t your DP sharing 50% responsibility for the mental load? In fact, if you’re adhd he should be taking on more and you do something else to make up.

sorry if I missed you were an LP.

As I was reading your post, it was screaming ADHD at me! Then I saw the comments. The only way I can suggest to help, is to write in your phone diary a to do list and set alarms, I have to do this(no adhd) or get a white board for your home and write it on there. You are not a shit mum, it's bloody hard work at times!

Make and freeze a whole loaf of sandwiches at once. Put greaseproof paper between each sandwich. Then just stick one in the lunchbox every morning. They're defrosted by lunchtime.

And lists. I write everything on a massive whiteboard.

And duplicates of cheap things

And a bag for each activity.

We've got an IKEA Kallax thing with labels on the boxes so one box is ds football things, one for school things etc. It's in the hallway because there's no way anyone would put them away in their bedroom but putting it away in there is easy. The swimming box has 4 pairs of goggles so there's a good chance there will always be a pair there when we need them.

You sound like a normal human with a lot on your plate. Everyone makes these mistakes sometimes.

However... This is a weird question but why didn't you say a proper goodbye to DC when you left to get the shoes? There is no way you would have made it home and back to school while he was still waiting outside. If you would have explained to him that you would be dropping them through the office he would have been prepared for what's happening next. It makes me wonder as others have said about maybe being neurodiverse as you seem to struggle with the executive functioning skills needed for time management, prioritising jobs etc. others have given helpful suggestions but there are quick fixes for a lot of your problems, set up direct debits, have wellies/umbrellas/rain coats in the car so you change into them while you're already out, online food shop every Sunday where you can choose from your regulars so you don't forget things.

P.S. everyone feels like this sometimes, you're doing your best xxx

Yes, this is sort of his I feel about it. Like I can see that these things do happen, but other parents aren't doing a return trip to preschool once a week with whatever they've forgotten. And although I can't see in other people's minds, it feels like other parents don't feel the constant panic and chaos that I experience when I have to do what on the face of it looks like a very basic task, pack kids things and drop them at school. I work from home so I don't even have to remember to take my own things with me!

Have a different bag for each club. Ballet bag, football bag. It all gets sorted each weekend. Calendar on the front door shows what day is what and what to remember.

The answer for me was adhd and understanding that the challenges are real has brought me so much peace and self compassion.

Simplifying everything has been crucial - less stuff, less places to mislay things, less to do, less places to be

I have a weird relationship with time and I have to schedule my time carefully or I double up, rely on instantaneous teleportation etc. I also have to be careful about the difference between Now Time and the magical catch all of Later Time.

For me, everything goes in the calendar as soon as I know about it, I take photos of school letters and forms because I always seem to lose paper and I have a shopping list on my phone so as soon as I notice I'm running low on anything it goes on the list. I then buy 2 so I have a spare.

The most effective change I made though when it comes to the school run and remembering everything is a mandatory stop and check. So as we get to the front door we stop, "OK you've got your bag, you've got your PE kit, you've got your coat, you've got.........." even if time is tight or I'm convinced I've remembered everything we stop and do the checklist and I have a good look at DD to make sure everything matches up, it's at that point I'd fully focus on the fact she has wellies on and think about shoes to change into.

@violetcuriosity This is not a weird question, I realized that I should have done exactly this about 30 seconds after leaving! I think he was so upset about his shoes and wanting to wait outside for me to come back, that I was just focusing on telling him that I was going to get them and would be quick and he should go and play. I did hug him and say goodbye but I know that he wasn't really paying attention, he was busy telling me about his shoes, and I was emphasising the wrong thing. You're right, I should have stressed goodbye have lots of fun, Mary from reception will bring your shoes in soon.

Yes to the direct debits!

it feels like other parents don't feel the constant panic and chaos that I experience when I have to do what on the face of it looks like a very basic task, pack kids things and drop them at school.

I’m fucking amazing at other things. I bet you are too if you really think about it.

It’s a waste of energy (which is a finite resource) to beat yourself up about the things you don’t do well.

ESSENTIAL Do everything the night before

Take advantage of tech!

*Ask Alexa what the weather will be like tomorrow. Arrange clothes accordingly
*Ask Alexa to remind you about important things, even adding groceries to the shopping list
*Pre timed emails are my saviour
*Loads of apps exist for shopping lists and reminders

Combined with some traditional methods:

*Wipe board in the kitchen

good luck 🤞🏼

I find it can just be exhaustion, but I find making to-do lists on my phone helps!

I also think your kid’s school was ridiculous for not letting you pass some shoes to your child. Forgetting to pack something is an easy mistake to make.

I was inspired by reading about the design of the machines in a McDonalds kitchen (😂) - apparently they design all the equipment to be completely intuitive to use, if there's something you need it's right there, so that it's harder to fuck it up than it is to do it right. And I try to apply this ethos to my own life. So:

• Every bag I use has a mini bag inside with essentials- tissues, mini suncream, plasters, pen, some change etc etc. Also keep one in the car.
• Lists for everything
• Paper diary in which I record EVERYTHING including admin tasks which come round each year like MOTs, insurance renewals, dentist check ups etc.
• Building in a quick check before we leave the house which (when my kids were small) I used to present as being about teaching them to be organised but was just as much for me to remember everything. So we'd spend 30 seconds going through what was happening that day and whether we had everything we needed "I'm going to the office so I need my work pass, my laptop, my purse and I've got them all. You're going to school and it's Tuesday so what do you need- your maths book, your swimming kit" etc etc.
• "Touch it once" policy for admin tasks.
• Learning that the first half of "a place for everything and everything in its place" is just as important as the second. Mess and disorganisation happen when you have possessions which don't have a place, so they sit around in the side in the kitchen until they get lost. Every time you acquire a thing, decide on a place that thing will be kept by asking yourself "If I knew I had one of these, where would I look for it?"

One yearly list in an app shared with DH.

Don you have a partner? If yes then divide the mental load.

I live by lists. The usually what do I need to do today plus extra for that week. The list on the inside of the cupboard of what needs to be done in the kitchen every night.

I’m really organised but I’m a sahm so have more mental space. I also strongly suspect I’m ND and I need lists to get things done.

I'm the same OP. I do check every box for adhd. Even things I thought were just my personality quirks like being unable to hear directions when given them, apparently a common one. It doesn't have to be hyperactive, it can be inattentive.
I'm unwilling to medicate so knowing doesn't really help, although it does explain my life!