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Original poster

Do *I* remind exH it's Ds' Graduation TOMORROW ?

82 replies

54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 14:41

Ds' College Graduation is tomorrow.
He has Autism & needed a significant amount of support to pass his course.
I provided it: exH left the family home 2 years ago (we are divorcing now). I drove him in every day, listened to him at midnight, liased with staff for extra support, went in for meetings, did his student loan, DSA, equipment, the lot)
I did that as he is my son & I love him & he deserves it. His Father did nothing.

ExH knows that Ds has a Graduation. I have told him. He's obviously forgotten.
He has just returned from a trip away & messaged to say he 'has a stinking cold but might see kids over weekend'. I've spent the last week sorting Ds University arrangments which have been convoluted & stressful (last min change of plans)

I bought tickets enough for exH to attend as I think Ds would like this but I'm feeling weary at the thought of arranging it all for him too, as well as getting myself, Ds with ASD & his little sister with ASD to the venue tomorrow, suited & booted, arranging the pics & to go somewhere nice for coffee & cake after.
ExH will want a lift (doesnt drive any more & no real public transport), he will budge in front of me to take pics & generally 'take over'. But, now I've opened the stupid text (I thought it would be to check arrangements for tomorrow) I feel mean. Do I ask Ds what HE would like or just let exH & him sort it if they want?

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 21/09/2023 14:49

He probably sent the text to pre-warn that he isn’t well when you remind him of tomorrow

TheSandgroper · 21/09/2023 14:52

Be too busy to reply.

martha4clark · 21/09/2023 14:52

I would simply remind him of the venue and time; but do not facilitate his journey there if he decides to go. Tell him you are busy organising the kids and yourself.
Hope you have a lovely day celebrating your son's graduation. Well done to you 👏

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HowcanIhelp123 · 21/09/2023 14:53

You could say "oh, dear feel better soon. DS will miss you at graduation" or ask your DS what he wants or just leave it.

As for the rest its your own fault. He might want a lift but you can say no. Just say it doesn't work for you and he will have to arrange a taxi or something. No is a complete sentence and you don't need to justify - stop letting him walk all over you!

Bonbon21 · 21/09/2023 14:53

I would reply " okay then'.
He obviously doesnt care so f..k him.
Less stress on the day.
You can take a horse to water etc etc...

Maplestars · 21/09/2023 14:53

I’d tell him if you think DS may be sad he’s not there
however I’d focus on keeping you and DC happy, and if picking ex up is going to add a lot of stress I would perhaps tell him now whilst he has time to source an alternative (could he afford an uber? Or would a friend/family member give him a lift) just say that you’re going to be too busy to collect him, so you’ll just meet him there.
he probably won’t go and will still blame you, but I think you’ve done more than enough at that point.

Maplestars · 21/09/2023 14:54

Unless you think he has remembered, but that was him cancelling
then just do as @HowcanIhelp123 says

needtofatoff · 21/09/2023 14:55

I would facilitate this for your ds. Your ex is a twat though.

TinglingTangling · 21/09/2023 14:55

id just send a text saying

‘don’t forget it’s DS graduation tomorrow, see you there’

He can get a taxi.

Id only do it if your son would want him there though.

Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2023 14:56

For your sons sake, I would probably remind him. I wouldn’t ask your son because then he will get involved in knowing his dad is blowing him off beyond just his dad not showing up.

don’t drive though. You are doing enough.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 14:57

ALL I'm bothered about is Ds & I think he'd prefer his Dad to be there.
But I'm utterly sick of it now. I have dutifully updated exH about Ds Uni 'crisis' (which has gone on for the whole week exH has been away). No more.
I guess I'll ask Ds what he'd prefer ? But, sod being sociable at Xmas etc.
ExH was away at a family wedding (Ds & Dd's cousin - they weren't even invited)

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 21/09/2023 15:01

I would because I always put the kids above everything else and think how things affect them.

AlwaysFreezing · 21/09/2023 15:02

I mean, fuck him. Fuck his crappy attitude. Fuck his shit parenting. Fuck his forgetting. Fuck his 'might' see the kids.

But, what would be best for ds? Because that's what you should do. Even though he doesn't think like that.

Hope, whatever you do, you have a great day, get loads of photos and ds looks a million dollars in his gown. What an achievement.

SBHon · 21/09/2023 15:02

Remind him but the rest of the responsibly for himself is on him. Definitely don’t give him a lift. He can get a taxi. And when it comes to photos make sure you get one without him in it.

aSofaNearYou · 21/09/2023 15:02

I mean, playing devil's advocate, when most of us were at school, the only graduation parents attended was the one from uni, so I do think it can come a bit out of nowhere and possibly seem like a bit of a non event hearing that they now have one at every educational milestone. But I get that he has form for not doing much.

I would remind him, for DS's sake. Just say "remember the graduation is tomorrow", you don't need to say more.

LesLavandes · 21/09/2023 15:03

Tell him to be there for your son

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 15:04

sorry, x post:
text was: 'just back with a stinking cold, feeling brighter today but still sneezing a lot & feeling very tired. I hope to have shaken off by tomorrow. I hope to be able to come across over the next few days if that fits in with plans. I could take kids Sat or Sun. I have been in contact with Ds most days. Has he been into Uni today'? I've diligently let him know progress on Uni place etc but I don't want to be a speaking clock about Ds. ExH has a habit of extracting info then ignoring us.

Ostensibly that is friendly. But he will do the dying fly all tomorrow & make it all about him. I can grit my teeth through that (plenty of practice) for Ds' sake but I'm just so unimpressed with his crappy parenting. Dd is quite fed up of him lately but Ds still wants him to be a 'good Dad' despite evidence to the contrary.
Still, he is about to sign the Divorce so maybe I let him know so as not to rock the boat on that front too. ooof. Sorry, venting now ...

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 15:06

Just text, “poor you, obviously graduation tomorrow, so phone ds if you’re cancelling or we’ll see you there.”

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 15:06

OP, i would simply remind him of the graduation, do not give in to his demands for a lift or feel compelled to offer him one. You do not owe him that.
A simple reminder is all you need to give him.
You are not his PA or Social Secretary

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 15:07

@AlwaysFreezing THANK YOU !!! That's exactly how I feel !!!
@CornishGem1975 yes, you are right. this is probably what I'll do x

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 21/09/2023 15:08

So he hopes to be better for tomorrow?

Reply: tha is for letting me know, speak soon.

CornishGem1975 · 21/09/2023 15:08

Not saying it's not fucking annoying and I'm not resentful @54isanopendoor but I try to rise above it and be the better parent. Because the ex probably doesn't care but the kids do.

Duxelle · 21/09/2023 15:09

Not quite the same, but DD is nearly 6, she only has limited fortnightly contact with her father, I always go out of my way to offer an additional contact on birthdays and at Christmas, simply because I don't want her to think he doesn't care, no other reason.
He's an abusive arsehole and doesn't deserve it, but I'll put my DD first and do this for her.
I think all you need to do is remind him, you don't need to facilitate all of his arrangements in getting him there.

dontbenastyhaveapasty · 21/09/2023 15:11

Will the other young people and parents (and probably grandparents) at the graduation be pleased to have your exH sneeze his germs all over them? Will his presence enhance the event in any way?

Honestly, I’d just ignore. Don’t reply. Do your own thing tomorrow and enjoy the day with your children, knowing you succeeded in this together and are now celebrating that success.

I’d be willing to bet your DS would be a lot less fussed about his presence than you may assume.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 21/09/2023 15:11

Op I would take the graduation as a pat on the back to your ds and yourself.
Why should ex be there to take any credit whatever? . Tell ds the day is about you 2 and go have fun afterwards together! He may have given dna to ds but sounds like that's about all.