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Original poster

Do *I* remind exH it's Ds' Graduation TOMORROW ?

82 replies

54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 14:41

Ds' College Graduation is tomorrow.
He has Autism & needed a significant amount of support to pass his course.
I provided it: exH left the family home 2 years ago (we are divorcing now). I drove him in every day, listened to him at midnight, liased with staff for extra support, went in for meetings, did his student loan, DSA, equipment, the lot)
I did that as he is my son & I love him & he deserves it. His Father did nothing.

ExH knows that Ds has a Graduation. I have told him. He's obviously forgotten.
He has just returned from a trip away & messaged to say he 'has a stinking cold but might see kids over weekend'. I've spent the last week sorting Ds University arrangments which have been convoluted & stressful (last min change of plans)

I bought tickets enough for exH to attend as I think Ds would like this but I'm feeling weary at the thought of arranging it all for him too, as well as getting myself, Ds with ASD & his little sister with ASD to the venue tomorrow, suited & booted, arranging the pics & to go somewhere nice for coffee & cake after.
ExH will want a lift (doesnt drive any more & no real public transport), he will budge in front of me to take pics & generally 'take over'. But, now I've opened the stupid text (I thought it would be to check arrangements for tomorrow) I feel mean. Do I ask Ds what HE would like or just let exH & him sort it if they want?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 21/09/2023 15:12

Ohthatsabitshit · 21/09/2023 15:06

Just text, “poor you, obviously graduation tomorrow, so phone ds if you’re cancelling or we’ll see you there.”

This is perfect

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 21/09/2023 15:13

I have been in contact with Ds most days
^^ is that what Ex sent you? If so surely DS would have mentioned his graduation if he wanted his dad there... think hard before reminding Ex.

DoughnutDreams · 21/09/2023 15:16

If he's been travelling and attended a family wedding, his stinking cold is probably covid.
Either way, if he can remember and get himself to a wedding, he can manage his son's graduation. I wouldn't feel guilty.

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shiningstar2 · 21/09/2023 15:18

I would tell him. If he sees ds albeit in a not very supportive way your son might be unhappy if he isn't there. This is a massive achievement for your son and he would probably like his dad to be there seeing on the special day what he has achieved. Your son couldn't have done it without you and you have been a great super supportive mum. You can feel really proud of all you and your DS have done and it's a pity your ex wasn't more supportive but I think your ds might regret not having his dad there but, looking at what you have had to organise for him, is unlikely to remind his dad himself. You can't get the day back to replay once it's over and hearing from his dad that he forgot the date later would, I think, really hurt your son and take the edge of the happiness of the day for him. 💐

SensationalSusie · 21/09/2023 15:19

He has a stinking cold.

Which could very likely be covid.

Both of your kids are autistic…. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near right now if it were me.

Cold aside I would leave it up to him and your son, you have enough on your plate.

OlizraWiteomQua · 21/09/2023 15:25

I think I would text back "Sorry to hear you are ill. Will text you graduation photos obviously. See how you feel on Sunday - would be best not to infect kids with your bug at the start of the new academic year if you are that unwell but obviously would be great if you are up to it."

Work on the assumption he's not coming. Don't ask DS what he wants, as DS won't have an understanding of the way that exH's presence will shit upon the proceedings.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 15:30

@dontbenastyhaveapasty @DoughnutDreams Ha! Last time he was away he came back with covid. He'd taken a test & knew at that point. My boiler had broken so I had asked him if kids could go to his flat for a shower. He'd said yes. He arrived back to his (tiny) flat & spent an hour with kids (I went for a coffee). A few days later both kids went down with Covid (said Dad coughed all over us) He's a thoughtless (unless it's about himself) twat alright.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 21/09/2023 15:33

Whatever you do don’t give this useless specimen of a dad a lift in your car to the graduation. I can see why you are divorcing him!

TokyoSushi · 21/09/2023 15:34

AlwaysFreezing · 21/09/2023 15:02

I mean, fuck him. Fuck his crappy attitude. Fuck his shit parenting. Fuck his forgetting. Fuck his 'might' see the kids.

But, what would be best for ds? Because that's what you should do. Even though he doesn't think like that.

Hope, whatever you do, you have a great day, get loads of photos and ds looks a million dollars in his gown. What an achievement.

Exactly this! Well done to you & DS OP, have a lovely day!

LadyLaLaa · 21/09/2023 15:37

He's a grown up and apparently old enough to remember the dates he had his holiday so if he's 'forgotten' the graduation, then fuckim.

EvilElsa · 21/09/2023 15:41

I'd take a deep breath and tell him for DS sake. It would piss me off no end, but if he chooses not to come you've done your bit. I wouldn't be responding to any texts about lifts or anything though, he can find his own way.

Original poster
54isanopendoor · 21/09/2023 15:55

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll Ds has ASD & also Dyslexia. He has real issues with executive function (therefore I am beyond proud he has achieved an HNC grade A which has got him a University place). It's quite possible though that he thinks I've sorted it or his Dad has sorted it & he will be crestfallen if Dad isn't there. ExH is also Dyslexic. He's had (age 59) an ASD dx too (so exec function issues etc) BUT... he's also an absolutely selfish git who is able to run his own life, makes NO effort for either of his ASD/Dyslexic kids (& used to moan to me about them being 'weird / a massive pain / 'mental') when they were younger. Now, HE has HIS dx (& he's a tier 2 retirement out of it, so pays no maintenance) it's all 'but I'm disabled, it's not my fault' etc so apparantly I should sort things for him too. Pah. I think I'm going to have to remind him, for Ds sake. But, Grrrr.

OP posts:
Twospaniels · 21/09/2023 16:01

For the sake of your son, just remind the dad, and he can sort his own transport there (taxi, uber or whatever).

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 21/09/2023 16:20

Ah okay, that puts a different light on the comment then.

I like @Ohthatsabitshit reply.
Just text, “poor you, obviously graduation tomorrow, so phone ds if you’re cancelling or we’ll see you there.”

parameciumparty · 21/09/2023 16:24

The cold is a lie. He can't be bothered to go. Why would he have even told you he had a cold if it wasn't to provide an excuse for not bothering to go?

FortofPud · 21/09/2023 16:26

I think you need to decide what your main objective is and make that happen. So if it's to make sure ds has his dad there because thats what he wants, then do that. If it's to not be a doormat to exh then do that. But there's so many conflicting layers to your arrangement (and you sound amazing btw) that they can't all be prioritized.

boomboom109283 · 21/09/2023 16:30

I think you should remind him for your sons sake.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 21/09/2023 16:50

Yes reminding him is best.

BUT maybe now is the time to step back and be less involved in your ds/father relationship.
id have a word (afterwards!) with your ds and explain that it’s time for you to leave them both handle their relationship the way they want. And gently tell them to sort things out between each other from now on.

pizzaHeart · 21/09/2023 17:06

If he asked for a lift and you refused would he tell DS that you were the reason why Ex didn’t get to graduation?

JJ8765 · 21/09/2023 17:13

My exH also clearly forgot. We aren’t on best terms. I reminded him (or rather got other dc to drop it into conversation). I don’t know if ds would have cared that much but he might have felt it was another rejection. ExH turned up playing father of year role not admitting he’d forgotten. It didn’t take away the pride I felt in ds and myself for getting us to that point. I also know the dc see through their dad. I deliberately went the night before and stayed in a hotel to avoid any shared arrangements! I do remember friends at uni with divorced parents worrying about graduation and didn’t want my dc to ever feel an event for them was overshadowed.

TipsyAndTommy · 21/09/2023 17:23

It's rubbish, but I think if your DS wants him there/would be pleased if he was there I would remind him

But I would very much say these are the arrangements see you there. If you were feeling extra generous and we're going to pick him up I would say timings are right, be at yours at x but can't hang about so if you're not ready we'll have to go without you.

Hope you and DS have a lovely day Smile

Dollmeup · 21/09/2023 17:24

I think for your son's sake you should remind him. Don't facilitate getting him there though. It sucks but he does sound like he would be upset if ex didn't show and he might not understand.

My oldest has ASD too and it does change things. I think some of the posters here are well meaning but don't quite understand the help needed with organisation and communication.

PumpkinSpiceSeason · 21/09/2023 17:36

Facilitate it for DS sake and then see it as your graduation from Ex for all things related to your son now that he's about to be a uni student.

NewName122 · 21/09/2023 17:37

Just say something like... that's a shame DS will miss seeing you. If he then asks later why you didn't remind him say that you read his text as him saying he couldn't make it as he was ill and that you didn't ever think he'd have forgotten his own sons graduation. You're not his minder you owe him nothing.

Ivebeentogeorgia · 21/09/2023 17:43

I’d just say ok see you tomorrow

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