Do *I* remind exH it's Ds' Graduation TOMORROW ?

[54isanopendoor]

Ds' College Graduation is tomorrow.
He has Autism & needed a significant amount of support to pass his course.
I provided it: exH left the family home 2 years ago (we are divorcing now). I drove him in every day, listened to him at midnight, liased with staff for extra support, went in for meetings, did his student loan, DSA, equipment, the lot)
I did that as he is my son & I love him & he deserves it. His Father did nothing.

ExH knows that Ds has a Graduation. I have told him. He's obviously forgotten.
He has just returned from a trip away & messaged to say he 'has a stinking cold but might see kids over weekend'. I've spent the last week sorting Ds University arrangments which have been convoluted & stressful (last min change of plans)

I bought tickets enough for exH to attend as I think Ds would like this but I'm feeling weary at the thought of arranging it all for him too, as well as getting myself, Ds with ASD & his little sister with ASD to the venue tomorrow, suited & booted, arranging the pics & to go somewhere nice for coffee & cake after.
ExH will want a lift (doesnt drive any more & no real public transport), he will budge in front of me to take pics & generally 'take over'. But, now I've opened the stupid text (I thought it would be to check arrangements for tomorrow) I feel mean. Do I ask Ds what HE would like or just let exH & him sort it if they want?

I’d send a reminder for your sons sake but don’t lift a finger to get him there. I like the suggestion of responding that it’s a shame he will miss sons graduation, rather than something that looks like you’re reminding him though.

I get you’re mad at him but this is really big for your son.

I've replied to the text to ask if he's done a Covid test as he's so unwell?
If he says he's done a negative test / he is much better then I'll remind him
If not /he can't be bothered to reply then I might not as last thing Ds/Dd need is another dose of whatever he has (he will literally sneeze all over people for attention). He can't just turn up as its ticketed (in advance not on the day).

I don't think he deserves extra facilitation (from me) due to his ASD. He can manage his own stuff when he wants to (flew home for family wedding etc).
He walked out 2 years ago & I have enough on my plate supporting Ds & Dd.
I am physically disabled myself but I dont' use that as an excuse not to look after my kids. I don't respect him using his ASD (he got me to 'help him write a letter to the GP as he's Dyslexic' yet he wouldn't help me if I was on fire) as an excuse & it's a bad example to the kids. I've told them that, yes, it's very tough having ASD & Dyslexia. I know how tough it is from being their Carer & helping fight through their mainstream schools & benefits system for years. It's really tough.

But there is a big world out there. No one owes them anything but no-one can look down on them either. With effort & kindness they can & will do well.

Do we have the same ex? Mine is just like this, turns up as long as he is spoon fed the information, reminded and given a lift to the event, then plays Superdad whilst there as if he has actually contributed anything to their upbringing at all (divorced when they were young).

As it is a big life event I would remind him but that would be it. No lift, no family outing for coffee and I definitely wouldn't be letting him push me aside whilst he acted like dad of the year.

Congratulations to your son, I hope you both have an amazing day.

As a parent there would be no way on earth my autistic child's graduation would slip my mind. Ever. Sounds like you alone have done an amazing job op I do hope you have a fabulous day. Be proud of yourself.

I can easily imagine ExH doing this and I would grit my teeth and tell him, for DS’s sake.

I try to think that it’s not that he doesn’t care, he just cares differently in his own way (otherwise I get too annoyed with him!) and that it’s best to tell him about things like this, even if it needs spelling out because otherwise no, he won’t be there and the DC will be the ones most affected.

This. This is the reply you send. Bright and breezy, reminding EXDH for the sake of your DS, but not facilitating him.

I had to sit on my hands when it was my DC birthday recently; in previous years EXDP had collected DC from school for cake and balloons. By the day DC birthday came, EXDP hadn't called to make any arrangements, and I knew he wouldn't be collecting DC.

EXDP finally managed to call DC at 7pm on day of birthday to wish happy birthday. DC was so upset that DC refused to speak to him initially. I had to beg DC to do so, as it's his Dad. Inside I was raging.

In the long run, it's kinder to let your DC see their father for who he is, rather than trying to cover up for him and facilitate his inability to put his DC first, just like you do.

Well done on supporting your DC through the course, you'll be so proud on the day!

exH txt: 'he doesnt have any covid tests but will go to the shops in the morning'.
(this will absolutely become 'you didn't let me attend due to tests demand')

I did ask Ds last night if he'd discussed it with Dad (no) & if he wanted me to ask Dad about it as I wonder if it's slipped Dads mind about going. He said he wasn't sure as Dad has been quite annoying lately. I said to let me know this morning.

Congratulations on your DS’s graduation day OP!

With regards to your ex, if he does decide to be bothered to attend his own son’s graduation day, then absolutely do not allow him to force a lift with you and the kids.
Perfect reasoning - you don’t want to catch his cold (likely covid).

Enjoy your day, what an achievement!

Well, maybe it's all turning out for best. I'm glad you asked your ds, no subtfuge or covering for his dad, just the truth, gently.

Have a great day.

You asked your ds, he didn’t say yes you should ask dad as I want him there, ds and dd are the only ones that matter, you are ABSOLVED. go to the graduation, feel proud! Watch him go up and block any thought of ex out of your mind.

Screw your ex - you’ve done more than enough. Have a great day!

Congratulations to your DS!

If DS is happy for Ex to be reminded, this is your perfect cue to tell Ex to test in plenty of time for the graduation, and you’ll travel separately to minimise the risk of catching his cold. Be too busy to read any further messages.

If your son says says this morning he wants his dad there, I’d make an executive decision and say he’s isn’t getting a lift from you as he’s ill. You do not want him in the car spreading his germs! At least that will mean you have some respite form his annoying fuckery today.

Ds has said: 'on balance i'd like Dad there' so I txted exH to ask if he'd remembered. He just said: 'I thought there weren't enough tkts'.
Tbf, about 2 wks ago I did mention that you could only get 2 guest tkts but I'd put in a request for a 3rd. He has never enquired. I confirmed I had a tkt he could use. Reply: 'good, what time do I have to be at the college'?
Its not at the college. I've given him details of where & when. Muppet.

covid test neg. will meet us there. I'm putting my game face on.
This is a MASSIVE achievement for Ds & I'm not letting my irritation with exH cross my mind now until 'home time'. Wish me luck! (& thank you all for listening) x

Congratulations to your DS and to you for helping him get to this point. I hope you have a lovely day and don't let the Ex spoil it.

GOOD LUCK OP!!!

@Starseeking - DC was so upset that DC refused to speak to him initially. I had to beg DC to do so, as it's his Dad
Please don't do that anymore. My mother always used to guilt trip us into talking to our dad because he was "our dad" and it screwed four people up for fifty years and counting. Stop begging your children to talk to an adult who has hurt and upset them. It's up to that adult to find a way back via apologies etc.

Good luck and you must be so proud
You’ve handled this so well putting DS first, you’re a great mother!xx

@CantThinkOfANameAtAll my DC are too young to have their own phones, so their Dad calls mine for me to pass the phone on.

I'm really not prepared to accept him either screaming down the phone at me, or turning up at my doorstep shouting blue murder that I'm trying to keep his DC away from him.

You clearly have not been involved with an emotionally abusive man (at least not to the level of my EXDP) for you to suggest I withhold the DC access to calls. He is perfectly pleasant to them on the phone, just not to me.

The minute DC are old enough to have their own phones for him to call to speak to them (say 10 or 11 years old), they can choose whether to speak to him, or not.

Of course you should remind him and hope he's well enough to attend

I took you at your word when you said you had to beg your dc to talk to him. How else was I supposed to interpret it?
DC was so upset that DC refused to speak to him initially. I had to beg DC to do so, as it's his Dad

You clearly have not been involved with an emotionally abusive man
Hah fucking hah. How else do I know you could also screw up your kids by begging them to speak to him. Read your own words 🙄

Please focus on advising the OP, thanks @CantThinkOfANameAtAll.

I gave her advice from my perspective, and didn't ask for yours on mine, which you have seen a couple of paragraphs of. I have had YEARS of my EXDP's nonsense.

I guess I struck a nerve but once you've calmed down just have a wee think about what I was trying to say about how pressured it could make your child feel. I said it from a place of concern as well as experience but you obviously feel that I am attacking so I will stop.

@54isanopendoor How did it go today? DS had fun?

As so many people kindly replied I thought I should 'update' -

Ds was very stressed so we nearly didn't make it in time (much stimming!)
However, it went well & I think he is glad he went after all, met friends, all good.
It was a HUGE achievement for him & also good for Dd to see 'it can be done'.

ExH met us there. No sign of any cold whatsoever. Yapped on about irrelevant stuff as per. Awkward moment during photos when stood next to Ds Dd & I & photographer asked who exH was? The 3 of us paused for ages then said: 'dad'

I kept it very civil & he offered to take us for a quick bite afterwards. We were all famished, so I said OK. I did catch him looking, almost curiously, at me (I was presentably dressed for a change, usually it's last on my 'list' of priorities & was making an effort to be extra sociable & relaxed/jolly for kids sake). I thought, well, yes, if you'd taken on even part of the responsibilities of raising your own kids then we might be a Happy Family out for dinner, instead of playing at it.

I have no intention of 'playing at happy families' ongoing but I wanted Ds' day to go smoothly, with the attendees he chose, so I think I achieved that. I have to say, I probably wouldnt' have done without the vent & support here so THANK YOU!!

That sounds like a win for you 😁

Glad you got through it without feeling too frustrated with him!