Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do you knowingly mingle willingly with rapists/ abusers?

97 replies

Oddearslongnose · 17/09/2023 20:53

I’m interested in this?
obviously the horrible dispatches doc got me thinking, but also personal experience.
If you have know a man who is rumoured to be a rapist , perpetrator of DV, or an abuser, but perhaps has not been charged in court or his alleged crimes remain unreported, how far do you go in distancing yourself from them?
would you fund their business, be polite at social gatherings etc?

OP posts:
InterFactual · 17/09/2023 20:57

I wouldn't base anything on rumours. However if people told me their personal accounts and seemed genuinely distressed by their experience then I would believe them and distance myself from the perpetrator.

Judging others based on whispers and rumours is wrong. First hand accounts carry more weight in my eyes.

LakeTiticaca · 17/09/2023 21:03

Not based on rumours. Anyone can start spreading rumours. With proof of conviction no I wouldn't want to mix with them

BodegaSushi · 17/09/2023 21:08

InterFactual · 17/09/2023 20:57

I wouldn't base anything on rumours. However if people told me their personal accounts and seemed genuinely distressed by their experience then I would believe them and distance myself from the perpetrator.

Judging others based on whispers and rumours is wrong. First hand accounts carry more weight in my eyes.

Funny though how I don't know a single person who even has a rumour of that kind of behaviour about them. It's almost as though false accusations aren't all as common as some people like to make out 🤔

I'd definitely be wary of someone that rumours follow, especially if they come from multiple sources.

And no, I'd not associate with them.

PinkMendinilla · 17/09/2023 21:10

I would be compelled away from him as I have experienced sexual assault a number of times so wouldn't worry too much about whether it was just a rumour, I know SA more likely to be true than made up out of nowhere and if it's just social/ business then I'm not affected. It's not like he is close family and I have to make a difficult decision. I would not contribute to rumour or anything, just give him a decent berth. If it was a colleague I suppose I would have to be civil.

lifeturnsonadime · 17/09/2023 21:11

Lots of people knowingly do and encourage it.

Original poster
Oddearslongnose · 17/09/2023 21:11

But if you had the information first hand, eg, ‘we’ve separated because my partner was violent’, or ‘be careful, he raped my best friend’?

OP posts:
GameOverBoys · 17/09/2023 21:12

I wouldn’t, the only exception would be if distancing myself would isolate a friend or family member who is in a relationship with them.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 17/09/2023 21:18

My uncle was a rapist and woman abuser. He was taken to court for rape of his step daughter but it was thrown out of court. He had a string of affairs and many relationships with much younger women. His own children at one point (from different mother) contacted the family to say he had raped and abused both their mothers and other partners.

His siblings (including my dad) would not believe it. He was the youngest and they all were in absolute denial about what a piece of shit he was. I hated him as a child as I saw several horrible side of him at family gatherings (harshness to step children/ racism etx). He killed himself 4 years ago and there was some talk of him having been contacted by the police with regards to a situation with another of his step DD. Dunno if that’s true. I didn’t go to his funeral and didn’t care at all that he died. I hated the other family who stuck by him. I also hated that my father allowed him to stay with us when he was in court for raping a child the age I was at the time!!!! I’m not surprised by people supporting rapist. People are will-fully blind sometimes even to the most obvious.

Pottyberry · 17/09/2023 21:24

In My job I can work with proven or alleged offenders, and also people surviving abuse.

Personally, a family member accused another one of the family of SA, I fully believed her, I was in the minority sadly.

Hopingforno2in2023 · 17/09/2023 21:24

FIL was arrested for raping a child and has another allegation of sexual crimes against a child on his record (no convictions as never went to court). As soon as I found out I stopped all contact and obviously DS doesn’t see him either. DH will still attend family functions (for example his grandparents platinum wedding anniversary) but will stay away from FIL at all times. We are very much in the minority in the family however and everyone else socialises with him as normal. It blows my mind tbh.

Princessandthepea0 · 17/09/2023 21:29

I know of a person - went to prison for offences against a female, underage blood relative. His wife stood by him - thought the child was the other woman. She had a child worryingly. His mum stood by him too.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 17/09/2023 21:33

I also used to work with sex offenders. Plenty of them had friends and family who maintained contact and believed their innocence. Some maintained contact but adapted around knowing they were guilty.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 17/09/2023 21:42

I dunno, I have cut 3 men out of my social group for this

As far as I know they haven't been excommunicated more widely but I stopped inviting them to things, civil but distant in company, stopped following their SM

None were close friends which meant it wasn't really a wrench, but once I put 2+2 together in conversations with their exes and realised the kind pf people they are it wasn't a choice I don't think.

Ranged from controlling and coercive behaviour, violence in the relationship followed by instances of stalking (took up a sport their ex did purely to 'bump into' her at events), and the suggestion of non-consensual sexual activity. None went to police.

pickledandpuzzled · 17/09/2023 21:47

No, but I'm so hyper vigilant it's never been necessary. I already avoid anyone with a sniff of dark about them.

IWasJustAChild · 17/09/2023 21:53

Yes, I do. My father.

It's really hard to break the powerful hold an abuser has over you when it started in early childhood and you were gaslit when you tried to tell.

muchalover · 17/09/2023 21:58

#i believe her.

I don't watch programmes that have people in them who have been alleged to have committed SA crimes.

With only 2% conviction rate even with those gone to trial I still believe her.

MMMarmite · 17/09/2023 22:00

No.

Although there are relationships that I see as verbally abusive in my friendship circle (I have no evidence that it goes further than that), and it's trickier to know what to do in that situation, when the couple are still together.

DrWu · 17/09/2023 22:00

I would probably try to judge the person based off my own opinion of them, anyone can and will start rumours!

One of my ex best friends started a rumour that my dh was abusing me, he never has, but it turned out she was jealous of my marriage (she has tried this with a few others before and since) but if people had believed her, it would have massively damaged his career and our life, thankfully most people she spoke to knew my dh and unbeknownst to me she was quite well known for her lies, so people did take it with a pinch of salt.

Phillipson · 17/09/2023 22:02

I don’t know anyone personally accused of this but I used to work with ex offenders. Don’t have anything else to add really, I couldn’t refuse to see them due to nature of my role. I saw both men who couldn’t see an issue with what they did vs others who tried to lie/hide it.

Torganer · 17/09/2023 22:04

Sadly yes. I don’t, but ex friends do, even when one person witnessed it. It’s revolting, the victim to this day regrets speaking out as they’ve now been banished.

Shortpoet · 17/09/2023 22:06

Someone I considered to be a friend went to prison a few years ago for downloading the worst category of images of child abuse.

The majority of our friend group dropped him immediately. Two people stayed in contact with him for a while hoping he would show remorse. When they realised he wasn’t remorseful, they dropped him too.

However, I recently saw some friends of a friend post about a night out with him on Facebook. The friends of a friend know what he did. I find it unfathomable. I’ve dropped those people too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 22:06

My best friend was raped by someone in our wider social circle. She has chosen to not pursue it for her own sake and is kind of at arms reach friendly with him now as he's in her partners friendship group. He makes my skin crawl but I follow her lead and im polite with him and his girlfriend how ever when he was single I warned my single friends away from him saying he had a very bad rep and I'd heard worrying things but not outing my friend who wished to keep her privacy

Maddy70 · 17/09/2023 22:08

I don't listen to gossip or rumours so yes. A person is innocent until proven guilty

I hate the trail by media culture

Hehx3 · 17/09/2023 22:09

Its quite a hard read for me. My ex h was abusive. Made me very ill to the point i could not drive and work amongst many other things. After 8 yrs I still do have Ptsd and anxiety attacks when triggered...
Only handful of people wanted to hear my side of story. He went out there first, told his lies, he was the one that was always a fun pal, so very "helpful" and outgoing. I was the quiet one, with no self esteem, boring, always tired...
Papers from court were the only thing that kept me sane when i doubted myself.
Even though my life is so good now I still struggle with how unkind and unfair life/people can be. He continues to be "winner".

memoriesofamiga · 17/09/2023 22:10

Based on the amount of people who took my abusive ex-husband's side when I escaped him, I'd say a lot of friends and family find it easier to cut off the victim so they don't have to have some awkward conversations not only with the perpetrator but also with their own beliefs. So many people out there make excuses for abusers.