Do you knowingly mingle willingly with rapists/ abusers?

[Oddearslongnose]

I’m interested in this?
obviously the horrible dispatches doc got me thinking, but also personal experience.
If you have know a man who is rumoured to be a rapist , perpetrator of DV, or an abuser, but perhaps has not been charged in court or his alleged crimes remain unreported, how far do you go in distancing yourself from them?
would you fund their business, be polite at social gatherings etc?

Tbf it's at least 4 parties to 1 and the moment.

Innocent until proven guilty doesn't work in these situations.

1. The vast majority of rapists are never even reported, let alone tried, and the % who are actually convicted is so small rape is basically legal

1. Surely the accuser is also innocent until proven guilty? Seems many women on here take the view that "gossip and rumour" is rife against men, so these women are guilty of slander/lies/malicious intent. Why are they guilty without conviction but the accused may gets a pass?

I worked with someone with untreated bipolar. She was spiralling quite badly and accused someone of sexual assault in the workplace. I was assigned to be one of the representatives for the company at the tribunal. When I read her account of the incident I was absolutely mad with rage. I was present during the incident and the accused remained on the other side of a 6 desk office to her, 3 desks away. She attended the office to collect some things and then left on her own, he sat next to me the entire time.

So yes, it does happen, people do make false rumours for all kinds of reasons. In her case she was very ill and likely had psychosis. The person who was accused had their life ruined for a good few years, and as the bar is so damn low at tribunal she won a decent payout.

I don’t actually know any. However I suspect the people who mingle with them most is their partner and victim to be honest.

Yes, but evidences the same point as I and other PP’s have made.

The article you have linked is written by The Times. Media, publicity, clicks, advertising.

No way am I supporting any criminal activity but trial by newspapers, by politicians speaking out to raise their own profile and that of their party, tv programmes for views is a dangerous addition to a justice system.

How do you know she was lying?

My ex friend does.
The kick in the teeth was when I saw photos of her dancing at his wedding.

She now plays music in a band with him.

She's the only person I ever told about the rapes and assaults.

They said "I was present during the (alleged) incident"

Yes. My sister in law is abusive but since she and my brother are still together, I end up being around her.

I've fully cut off platonic male friends (coworkers etc) if I discovered they treated their partners badly - cheating etc

I cut off another platonic male friend I'd been close to for a decade. He was in an open relationship with a woman his own age (40s) but met young (early 20s) women for sex and seemed to mess them around. One a decade younger (I'd never met) posted on social media that he hit her. It just seemed exploitative.

The irony is I'm still in touch with my controlling and verbally abusive ex, who has a record of abuse. That's trauma bonding.

I've had a couple of guys say early on they were accused of rape.

I chose to distance myself.

I have a friend whose husband is abusive. I tolerate him because at this particular juncture that is what she wants and I believe it helps to keep her safe.

That's awful, please tell me her son wasn't left in that situation?

Both my grandfathers (one alive) were abusive bastards of the highest order. Sadly both my grandmothers through no choice of their own (immigrants, illiterate and in a foreign country reliant on the bastards) could never leave them. So yeah pretty much my whole life, the grandfather who is still alive I do avoid him and don’t engage in conversation.

We absolutely all do unknowingly. I have discovered not one, but two child sexual offenders in my very close immediate family (MIL's partner and my stepfather). Both of them are a bit odd/eccentric, but neither would give you paedo vibes if you met them at the pub. One has been to prison for 3 years and the other pled guilty and had a community order and was in a sexual offenders rehabilitation programme in the community for several years after.

Knowingly would I have someone I knew/believed to be a rapist/abuser in my life? No, not if I can help it. If it was a work colleague, I wouldn't have much choice, but in my personal life, nope, absolutely not. Dh and I have cut them both out of our lives and our dc's lives. I am NC with my mum. We have limited contact with MIL. I would have preferred none because it goes against my values, but she believes he was wrongly convicted 🙄and while that's ridiculous (he wasn't), it's a bit different to my mum, who knows that my stepfather did was he was accused of/pled guilty to, but thinks it's okay because it could have been worse. 😖

But the reality is, that despite what most people on MN will say, the vast majority of people with a rapist/abuser in their lives will carry on as if everything is absolutely fine. With the exception of the children who were abused, no one has cut contact with these men in my family except for us - literally everyone is absolutely fine with it. Or at least fine enough that it's easier just to not talk about it and pretend it never happened. The only people who have been cut out of the family are the children who were abused and us for speaking up about it.

So while I think there are some strong, principled folks who would cut ties, like we have, most people will not. Because an abstract 'rapist' or 'child abuser' is a scary thing, but Uncle Bob who seems kindly enough, except for this one bad thing, is not as scary and most people don't want to rock the boat or cause drama or be cut out of Christmas lunch or the will. So they keep their heads down and don't say or do anything that will cause a stir.

That is exactly what happened with my inlaws.

My DH would be heartbroken if we cut contact though.

My brother defended Gary Glitter saying "he only did what we'd all do if we had the chance". And I'm the unreasonable one in the family for not having much to do with him [sigh]. Apparently "oh it's just X being X" [another sigh].

One thing I did see from the place I worked at is how easy rape culture took hold and young women went along with it, they had no power

I left as hated it but also job was wrong for me but I can see why men are enabled in say the media. It was a similar industry

Well psycho people still have their social and emotional needs. The psycho side of them deadens the perception or care what others think of them. So they just brush their oversteppings off and carry on as usual. They think others will ignore it too.

No, not those convicted. One of my mutual friends from uni was wrongly accused and I would still speak to him obviously but we're not especially close. (The girl who accused later admitted it was a false accusation so he definitely didn't do it!)

It would be an enormous shock if anyone in my life these days was accused.

@borninthe80esss he was placed on the at risk register but the man still moved in and the son was left in the home
The mum herself was vulnerable. She actually met this piece of scum at a local hospital where she was attending an anorexia support group and he was attending a child sex offenders rehab group in the next room. Great hunting ground to gain access to children via their mums obviously.
On the day I had to visit the mum to tell her about our concerns with her planning to move this man in he was there and pushed me against the wall telling me he knew where I lived and was coming to get me.
The mum just watched saying his name weakly as a mild reproof
When I eventually left two years later he still lived there as did the son
People have this idea that social workers have the power to go round removing at risk children at will. The truth is very far from that and all to often I would be awake at night worrying about children on my case load

Not currently.

It came out someone in family had abused a child years ago. I refused to see him for about three years, but it was difficult to see his elderly wife (who decided to stay with him as she felt she'd had a good marriage and was too old to go alone). I very much saw him under my own conditions, would only speak to him if he said something to me to save awkwardness in company, not sit near him and myself and DD would never be left in the same room. DD wasn't allowed to their house without me being present. Also, no sleepovers.