Do you knowingly mingle willingly with rapists/ abusers?

[Oddearslongnose]

I’m interested in this?
obviously the horrible dispatches doc got me thinking, but also personal experience.
If you have know a man who is rumoured to be a rapist , perpetrator of DV, or an abuser, but perhaps has not been charged in court or his alleged crimes remain unreported, how far do you go in distancing yourself from them?
would you fund their business, be polite at social gatherings etc?

This
I’m truly astounded at the mental gymnastics that people will go through to somehow dismiss the clearest of evidence but that is easy for me to say as I haven’t had to face it myself with anyone I love.
I unequivocally love and adore my husband, son (adult) and father. I don’t think I could believe it if I was suddenly presented with evidence that they were rapists and pedophiles. I’d like to think I could but it’s just so inconceivable…..so maybe that’s what happens.

But friends and acquaintances and bloody celebrities ….no I don’t understand that and would happily tell them to fuck off

Unfortunately not all of us are in a position to avoid them. I had to work closely with a convicted sex offender. On the face it he was charm itself but he went very still if he was talking about someone that interested him. It was his only tell as such. He was dearly loved by his family to a strange degree.

I’m not saying those instincts are always successful in protecting them

I'm saying I don't think it's a given they have those instincts.

Only when a person I care about has still be in a relationship with them. A very close friend had an abusive partner, we all made sure to treat our friend normally, attend her events etc, so if she finally left her girlfriend she knew she still had a support network she could rely on.

I don’t know anyone accused of rape but have distanced myself from people I’m aware have been accused of being domestic abusers (I fully believe the wives). I have had to go to family do’s with one though. If it was a friend I would drop them immediately, I’m not saying it would be easy but yeah I couldn’t be around a rapist or an abuser voluntarily.

Absolutely this.

I’ve suffered emotional abuse and would never, ever risk coming into contact with a an abuser of any kind again.

I understand ‘innocent until proven guilty’ but it is my prerogative to decide who I let into/keep in my life.

I'd have nothing to do with them if I had been told first hand by the victim.

When I was a trainee solicitor we represented a young man who had been accused of rape. It didn’t go to trial as it was a false allegation. You could tell by the attitudes of the barristers and the police officers involved in the case how vanishingly rare false allegations of rape actually are.

I kept my friend’s abusive partner quite close. I saw how my grandparents dealt with my parents when I was young, how they bit their tongue and made sure he had no excuse to cut them off so they were around when things escalated and were able to step in and remove us.

My friend’s partner was invited to nights out with me and DH. As he was isolating her from more and more people we made sure we weren’t among them. When he escalated and really hurt her physically it was us she called. She stayed with us twice and went back to him. She still knew she could stay a third time. Which she did and finally left for good.

I would avoid them at all costs. Saying that innocent until proven guilty is not helpful in these sutuations becayse we all know that a tiny percentage of rapes go to court and even fewer result in a conviction.
Other women are frequently in complete denial that their son/ husband/ partner is guilty
When I worked in child protection I had a situation where a mum with a young son with severe learning disabilities. She had met a man who was a convicted child rapist who had served ten years for kidnapping and raping a seven year old girl. She said it was fine for him to move in with her and her son because he had changed and he was only attracted to young girls anyway so her son was not his type

I generally believe women and would go out of my way to avoid men who had been accused of sexual assault.

However im currently dealing with a situation with two children (16yo), one of whom has accused the other of sexually assaulting her, and for a whole load of reasons I don’t believe that what she is saying is the whole truth. They are both very vulnerable and I am very close to the situation (and in a neutral position with them both). He is already isolating himself from his own support network and friends and I won’t be cutting him off or avoiding him because I genuinely believe he hasn’t done what she’s accused him of and that he needs a lot of support right now.

It's really interesting how many say they wouldn't believe rumours. So if someone said "watch out for Rob, he's a creep", does that mean you'd ignore that until he molested someone right in front of you?

No I don’t

On a lower level the worst place I worked at for rape humour and misogyny was owned by a massive misogynist who would rate female clients on their looks and insult them if not up to a level.

I’d love to know it’s come back to bite him

My ex was emotionally and physically abusive. I was young and at uni at the time and told my friends afterwards. My female friends hate and avoid him to this day. Our male mutual friends 'forgot' I had told them he hit me. Years later he was invited to my friend's wedding. I had to chat to him. I'm sure this is a common experience but it makes me angry.

I had a close friend who later sexually assaulted a friend's girlfriend (witnessed). I wasn't close with him any more but cut contact. Many didn't though and my very good friend later invited him to their wedding. This guy was very upset that few people would talk to him at the wedding and sought sympathy from me (!)

I'm constantly disappointed in how men close ranks to avoid 'awkwardness' - I have so many examples of abusive behaviour being ignored or excused and there being zero social cost to abusers and a high cost to victims who don't just keep quiet.

I do.

One of my inlaws was actually convicted.

Not sure what else I can do.

Causing a family rift won't help the situation.

His wife stuck by him.

But the conviction rates are so low.

also if you mean Russell Brand, read the article, watch the show, and tell me he wasn’t hiding in plain sight.
https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/russell-brand-rape-sexual-assault-abuse-allegations-investigation-v5hxdlmb6

a friend’s husband went to prison for abusing a child.she absolutely cannot bring herself to believe it. I still see her but really go out of my way to avoid him. But I did go to her birthday party when he was there. It’s bloody awkward.

One of my Mums friends husbands was convicted of being a 'peeping tom' (voyeur is it? - not sure of the correct term) and I have not associated with this man since. I always thought he was strange so kept away from him growing up for the most part anyway. I genuinely do not understand how his daughters and wife stand by him.

On the flip side of that one of my friends was falsely accused of something which ruined his career and marriage even though it was quickly found to be false by the investigating officers. The poor fella was beaten to within an inch of his life. His family tormented. He had to move to a different work site and home.

Having been a victim of sexual assault and rape it does frustrate me when people make false allegations because it is already hard enough to get a conviction without liars muddying the water.

Rumours would definitely concern me! I don’t spend time with anyone who I don’t feel comfortable with or who I think has any misogyny.

I remember at uni many moons ago, there were some guys who people joked liked to get around and there was even the phrase ‘a bit rapey’ 🤢 always massive turn off to me and I kept away

What?

@Lelophants 'a bit rapey' 🤮

I can’t believe people ignore this

I don't (knowingly) have friends who are abusers but I've definitely chosen not to hire certain tradesmen when I've looked at their Facebook profiles (although that tends to be mostly racist / nationalist type stuff rather than misogynist, to be fair).

I don't want these people in my home or to have to have the "I'm not racist but...." conversation again. It would be the same if they were posting or liking abusive / sexual material.

I used to be someone who avoided people who had been accused of any type of abusive /creepy behaviour until an ex friend accused her ex partner of having images of CSA on his devices during a custody contestation, all his devices were seized and he was an absolute wreck from all accounts, turns out there was nothing on his devices or in his search history so that made me question everything she had ever said about him in the past

@pinkyredrose "You don't honestly believe you can sniff out sex abusers do you?"

I can sniff out people who are entitled, selfish, arrogant, controlling, charismatically charming... I'm extremely careful who I hang about with. I also avoid any man who tells me what to do, or that I'm doing it wrong.

I have a friend whose husband is exceptionally needy. I mix with her but avoid him. He's probably harmless. But he's tried telling me what to do and how to do it in the past. Just no.

Obviously I function in a world with male bosses, but there's a difference between asking someone to do something differently, giving someone tasks, and men who just assume that they know better because they are male and that you'll comply because you are female.

Nope.

A friend of mine had a partner that went to prison for raping his ex. She stuck by him, thought his ex was lying, etc. I stopped being friends with her. I don't sympathise with anyone who is a sex offender or anyone who enables them.

I would run away from anyone who was associated with rumours of DV or abuse, even if they had no criminal conviction.

I was assaulted by a male ''friend''. Until then I had no idea that he was an abuser behind close doors. I found out after the event that he had also abused his previous girlfriend. To the outside world he came across as a charming, clever man with a good career.

I informed everyone in our circle of friends and then left them to make their own decision about whether they wanted to distance themselves from him.

I did not report it to the police because it would be his word against mine and I knew there was zero chance of him being convicted in court but at least I could spread the word to others that he should be avoided at all costs.

I am always horrified by families who refuse to confront abusers (such as people who abuse their own kids or partner) and instead prefer to not rock the boat and just pretend it is not happening or the accusations were false. I find it incomprehensible.