Do you knowingly mingle willingly with rapists/ abusers?

[Oddearslongnose]

I’m interested in this?
obviously the horrible dispatches doc got me thinking, but also personal experience.
If you have know a man who is rumoured to be a rapist , perpetrator of DV, or an abuser, but perhaps has not been charged in court or his alleged crimes remain unreported, how far do you go in distancing yourself from them?
would you fund their business, be polite at social gatherings etc?

Funnily enough I don’t. I know of an ex husband of one of my associates who was emotionally abusive, physically abusive to the wife and child and is financially abusive. All on record but he socialises with all the patents at sporting events and outside school. He tried to talk to me once and my reaction was so icy he never tried again.

Having been the victim of Dv, then no.

In my job I often encounter families where there is direct evidence of a close family member being a paedophile i.e. computer files/recordings. You would not believe the strength of denial some friends and family are capable of. I suppose they don't want to believe it so they just... don't.

So you're asking the wrong question, virtually no one associates with anyone they believe to be a rapist or abuser. Rather, as we have seen over the past 24 hours, they will simply refuse to believe it even when confronted with the clearest of evidence.

For me it would depend on who was doing the telling. If it was someone I knew and trusted, then I absolutely would believe what they told me. Unsubstantiated rumours would make me wary, but I wouldn't automatically believe them just because a woman had said it. Women are as capable of lying as men are.

I've known a woman who spread rumours about a man who worked with kids, because she thought it was weird and that a msn who worked with children had to be up to something nasty. No evidence whatsoever.
And my brother had a gf once who claimed that every ex bf of hers was a violent abuser. She was actually mentally unwell and even her best friend distanced herself in the end. She probably says it to her current boyfriend about all her exes including my brother.

And look at the false allegations that have ruined celebrities lives until disproved - it happened to Christine and Neil Hamilton, the guy from Corrie who was Kevin iirc and other actors. Famous people can be easy targets for a payday or attention seeking.

On the whole I think women who accuse men of sexual assault are mostly truthful but since you cannot be absolutely certain without trial snd because some do lie, we have to be very careful not to blindly believe without any evidence.

I absolutely would not associate with someone I knew to be guilty of such a thing.

I would never willingly mingle etc with rapists/abusers. I'd refuse to go to the gathering they would attend, refuse to use their business, cut contact etc and I wouldn't think twice about it.

The only time I've knowingly voluntarily spent unpaid time with abusers is when my female friends are still with them. Their job is to try to isolate my friends from me. My job is to hang around like a bad smell challenging the status quo and offering a safe place to run.

I have worked with rapists and murderers and other offenders in a professional capacity. Which is different.

No I don't, I see enough of it day to day. My line of work is known by friends and family, so those kinds of people generally give me a swerve which is a nice bonus.

I wouldn't take someone's word that a man is a rapist unless they were one of my sisters, other close relative or a very old friend.

An acquaintance was convicted of paedophilia (images, trying to contact underage girls) and was jailed. Once out he was back in jail within a year.
His family and friends have all stood by him, believe he is the victim of a vigilante group (that originally caught him), despite the evidence that led to his conviction.
Worryingly he had regular contact with friend’s children who were his “target age”.

Another local man went to prison for grooming and raping a 14 yr old girl - his family cut all
ties, but have since been ostracised by locals for doing so, because this man is, apparently, a top bloke.

Men appear to be able to get away with this sort of shit.

Years ago, I made the definite and clear choice to believe women. I absolutely would cut someone out of my life if there was a whisper of DV or rape or whatever from a source I trust. I accept there's a tiny chance that I might be wrong. But I'll play the odds.

Absolutely.

And certainly shouldn't be the first headline on BBC news or politicians being interviewed about it.

Mud sticks, yet one party can remain a anonymous throughout.

No but I did ten years ago.

Fortunately the sector I work in now no longer expects this. But it used to.

This. It's very rare for women to get a conviction so I'm not applying 'immodest until proven guilty' because you'd have to be stupid or naive to do that.

My BIL said that because Michael Jackson hadn't been convicted he would have (hypothetically) allowed him to babysit his children. My SIL said, "don't be so fucking stupid, over my dead body". Women should know even if men are thick as mince.

My brother continued to socialise with my rapist after I told him what he'd done, as did others I counted as friends. For fairly obvious reasons I'm hyper vigilant and, as pickledandpuzzled eloquently put it, stay well away from anyone with a sniff of anything iffy about them. Accusations would be enough to make me steer clear, whether true or not it's not worth the risk to my MH being around someone I'm not sure I can trust.

No.
I lost my cool big time with my mother a few years ago over this issue.
A mechanic who used to deal with her car was found guilty and sent to prison for participating in the gang rape of a woman, who at the time was around the same age as me.
After his release, unbeknown to me, my mother continued to use him for her car.
I found out and she's no longer used him after I went orbital and told her in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought.

As someone pointed out on the news today - isn’t it funny that almost every woman knows a number of friends that have been raped / sexually assaulted.

But very few men know friends that have done so

Hyper vigilant? Sniff of dark?

You don't honestly believe you can sniff out sex abusers do you?

I definitely believe that victims of sexual abuse have strongly developed instincts about people who might pose a threat to them. It is a form of self protection

There is a BBC radio presenter (let's call him Fred) who has admitted to sleeping with a 13 yo girl. I felt unhappy with this so I wrote to the BBC, who told me that they didn’t see it as a barrier to employment because he was never convicted. He is still employed by them. This kind of complicity happens much more often than it should.

I definitely believe that victims of sexual abuse have strongly developed instincts about people who might pose a threat to them. It is a form of self protection

But there are loads of examples where victims find themselves in other abusive relationships or situations?

There is a BBC radio presenter (let's call him Fred) who has admitted to sleeping with a 13 yo girl. I felt unhappy with this so I wrote to the BBC, who told me that they didn’t see it as a barrier to employment because he was never convicted. He is still employed by them. This kind of complicity happens much more often than it should.

things that didn’t happen. Post the letter

My friend told me her brother is having an affair. Of course it’s not my place to say anything, but when I see him out I can no longer even make eye contact, I am so disgusted by him and his disrespect of his wife and children.

if I knew a man was violent, saw any abuse or worried about it in any way I wouldn’t be able to handle this, and I wouldn’t be able to have a neutral conversation with that man. No - never, I will never pretend something is ok when I know it’s not.

Why? I’m not sure I understand your comment

But the stats say it will never get anywhere near court, let alone a conviction.

im sure you know this.

I’m not saying those instincts are always successful in protecting them