3 kids. 3 bedrooms. Let them bicker, or come up with a plan?

[NailyDale]

We're moving to a new house.
I get the main bedroom.
Then, there are three very similar bedrooms for the kids.
Kids are 18, 16 and 12.
There's really nothing much to choose between the bedrooms. They're all nice double rooms. One is slightly bigger. One has a nice view.

Kids haven't seen the house yet. It occurred to me that they will see it on moving day and if two of them decide they want the same room we will begin our new house with bickering and bad feeling. Perhaps I'm being a bit superstitious? Or sentimental? I don't want to begin a new house with bickering.

If it's relevant, new house will be a bedroom downgrade for 18yo and an upgrade for 12yo (compared to current house).

How would you play it?

If they're all pretty similar I'd try and show them pics now and see which ones they preferred.

If they squabble about it, I'd get them to pick straws.

We had a similar situation and made the decision based on location of the rooms. The sizes weren't all equal, but they were all decent sizes - we were (luckily) comparing large to extra-large in bedroom size, so no small or box rooms.

I actually had really good reasons based on things like:

• distance from each other (eldest is a few years in age above the other two, so made sense to give them a room on its own for privacy, which was next to a bathroom, whereas the other two had rooms next door to each other)
• distance from the stairs (sounds weird, but one is right by the top of the stairs and the other two are down a corridor; felt right to me to give the eldest the stairs one as they would be first to have later bedtimes, going out and coming back late, etc. and would be less likely to disturb the rest of the household)
• distance to the bathroom (again, the room by the stairs and away from the other two was also next to a bathroom. As that DC would be a teen first, it made sense to me to put them there as they'd be hogging showers and stuff in the morning before the other two would.)

These reasons meant the middle DC had the largest room, the eldest DC the second largest, and the third DC the smallest. But again, the smallest was still a good size, so no complaints on that end.

12yo nearest you and 18yo furthest away. You/18yo might want a bit more privacy from each other if they start bringing home partners.

The oldest will have loads of stuff they bring back and forth from Uni soon and you might prefer them to store their stuff in a corner of their bedroom rather than take up space somewhere else in your new home so that might sway you towards giving them the bigger room.

So the third child wouldn't get their first choice. It would feel like they were being punished for theor siblings wanting the same room as eachother. Your way would leave all 3 disappointed.

I'd let the 16yo and 12yo choose first and then the 18yo gets the room that's left.

If there isn't much between it I would make the choice and switch the focus to how they want to arrange or decorate their rooms. 18 year old would get the slightly bigger just because they are downgrading and it would soften the blow

I agree with this.

If there isn't much between them number them and draw out of a hat.

I would talk about it ahead of time. Get them to decide how they will choose.
OR
Then on moving day get them to go and look.
Get each one to tell you privately which room they want.

If there is a clash, then you can either tell them and say are you happy to switch?
Or at that point throw a dice.

but to me the key is preparation. Get them on board ahead of time.

I found that actually there was a sensible way round, but ours were younger.

If you think #3 will definitely want #2's room then there's a couple of ways you can play it.

1. Let them fight it out-but if #2 always gives way then actually I wouldn't do it that way. I was always the one to give way (and be asked to give way) and you do resent it, even when you're saying nicely "let them have it".
2. Ask #2 privately and #3 publicly so #3 can't change their mind.
3. Another method that has occasionally worked with mine, is suggest #2 waxes lyrical about a room she doesn't want. It does have the potential to backfire if #3 doesn't fall for it, but then if #3 picks that room simply because she thinks #2 wants it then they can both be happy.
4. You assign, and say any moans mean their room is last to be decorated or something.
5. Draw out of a hat.

Not read any of the other comments but I’d choose the bedrooms and tell them which ones they’re going into. Have it planned who’s is who in your head

Do any of the rooms have built in storage?

I'd play it clever and recommend a different one to each child. E.g this room isn't the biggest but has the best wardrobe or is the best shape for fitting a big wardrobe and I know you like your clothes.

This room at the back will be the darkest and I know you like to sleep with no light disturbance.

You like to lie in longest so this is furthest from bathroom or stairs.

This room is best for putting a TV on wall or making a gaming area .

Think about where you'd like them logically. If one snores or games late put them at the far end away from you! Make each think they are getting the best deal.

Obviously not the popular choice, but I’d let the 18 yr old have first choice - she’s an adult and I don’t think a 12 yr old should have priority here. If she does go to uni at some point then you can switch rooms around.

I've had a chat with them all. They completely agree that we don't want to start our new house with grumps about bedrooms, especially when they're all nice rooms. They will have a look, hopefully agree amicably, and if not it will be up to me, with reasonable input from them.

A lot of people suggesting that I just decide and tell them. That doesn't sit right at all. I got to choose the whole house! They should have a say in which room they have.

The older two will be entirely reasonable about it. We just need to manage the youngest.

Names out of a hat and tell them that if they don't like it then they can rotate every six months?

Or an alternative explanation is that the eldest shows her feelings through anxiety, the youngest shows her feelings through being a bit bolshie whilst the middle child doesn’t show her feelings at all, and prefers to just be compliant for an easy life?

I am a middle child of 5 but also the youngest of 3 girls. I can understand how all of your children feel. One of my sisters was like your eldest, quite an anxious person, the other was very outspoken, my next younger brother was the darling God-child son and the youngest had some health problems plus was born after a very late miscarriage. My mum used to say I was her favourite child because I basically brought myself up and gave her no bother at all.

You likely can’t please all your children, so just tell them there will be a random draw to determine who has which room, give them a budget to give their rooms a make over (if you can afford it) and let them got on with it.

Since the youngest needs to be managed and the middle is likely to become meek to make peace, I wouldn’t let them settle it themselves.

I would give them the floor plan, explain the pros and cons, and have them submit a sealed rank ordering to you of their choices. Then you use that confidential information to allocate the rooms. With any luck, everyone will get their first or at least second choice.

You’re overthinking this! Of course you got to choose the house!!!

Yes! Definitely overthinking it!

I'm probably repeating - haven't read anyone else's comments.

Definitely don't leave it until the day as you don't want tears and extra stress on moving day!

Give them a description of each room - what the view from the window is, what the position is/next to inside, front or back of house, and so on, they have presumably seen photos.
Then they write their first, second and third choice preferences in private and you make the final choice. Hopefully no one ends up with their third choice, but if they do they get something else extra to compensate.
Please don't fall into giving the worst option to the middle one who doesn't complain. In my family that was me. I was the good one, the quiet one who didn't make a fuss. And as a consequence I went through my childhood getting less, getting the worst option, the last choice. It actually really affected me into adulthood.

I think for ease I would stick 1,2 and 3 on the doors and have them draw a room out of a “hat” so to speak. A random draw then no one can complain.

I think drawing out of a hat is fairest.

I sort of do get eldest perks because there are lots of “in built” downsides to being the eldest, so it evens it up a bit.

In your case, your eldest will only be there a year so seems a bit silly to let them have the best room though, unless they happen to get it in the draw.

My youngest actually had the bigger room of my two, because my older one didn’t want to move rooms after I had the loft done, so youngest took my old room (having previously been in the box room) when I moved upstairs.

I didn’t read it as any have to share, there are 3 bedrooms for 3 kids, it’s just who gets to choose which room that is the dilemma.