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Original poster

How do I say no to this ?

137 replies

Haircut100900 · 10/09/2023 21:20

Life long people pleaser

Friend has asked me to look after her dog in the day. I don't want to do it. End of. I know she is desperate though. But at the end of the day, she chose to have the dog. I don't have a dog because I don't want to look after one, simple as. I cannot say no without any reasoning. This is a really close friend.
What the hell do I say ?

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 11/09/2023 11:48

Haircut100900 · 10/09/2023 21:20

Life long people pleaser

Friend has asked me to look after her dog in the day. I don't want to do it. End of. I know she is desperate though. But at the end of the day, she chose to have the dog. I don't have a dog because I don't want to look after one, simple as. I cannot say no without any reasoning. This is a really close friend.
What the hell do I say ?

If it were a one off or due to a sudden change of circumstances with a clear reasonable duration and plan for after that that would be different perhaps, But she's being unreasonable to expect you to regularly going forward. Just say my circumstances do not allow for that and point her towards dog sitters.

whereaw · 11/09/2023 11:48

Why do people get dogs if they can't look after them!
You shouldn't be apologising to her, whatever you say. She can pay for doggy daycare.

VWT5 · 11/09/2023 11:50

Say “no, I can’t” - on repeat.

Just don’t, in my extensive experience, even if you help someone out for just one day, they just see you as the go-to future solution to their problem, every single time.

I’ve had 5 years of unrelenting pressure and guilt tripping from multiple people over this - I am seen as the permanent solution to their ongoing problem.

I had to just go back with lists of “x, y, z dog sitting can help you” and tell myself firmly that I don’t have to be the solution to their problem, I don’t need to be involved or take their problem on my shoulders - at all.

If you even start, it is incredibly difficult to put a stop to it.

tara66 · 11/09/2023 11:52

Most people who go out all day either do not have a dog or use a dog minder/dog walker, who collects and returns dog from the property and has keys to it. Look up some local service like that and ask her if she has tried them. eg ''Doggy Day Care''.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 11/09/2023 11:54

Send her a text with all of the reasons you wrote above and also state that as well as this if you wanted to commit to a dog, you’d get your own.

GingerIsBest · 11/09/2023 11:55

You've had lots of good ideas on here and wordings. I'd be short and sweet but apologetic "Really sorry, but I can't do that - it's just not practical for me. I hope you find someone."

this level of people pleasing is mind-blowing to me though and I wonder if your "friend" is a CF in other ways too and has been happily abusing you for years.

shearwater · 11/09/2023 11:56

I'd say ok as an emergency (unless it isn't, for you) but not long term.

These things can work out if you reciprocate and help one another, or if you are paid, and only if you like dogs and that particular dog, and it likes you!

LifeIsShitJustNow · 11/09/2023 11:57

i would tell her what you say in your OP

’Look, I’d love to help you with ddog but I decided to not have a dog for myself because I know I wouldn’t be able to look after a dog the way they need to. It wouldn’t be fair on ddog either’

285NeuerNamen · 11/09/2023 11:58

GingerIsBest · 11/09/2023 11:55

You've had lots of good ideas on here and wordings. I'd be short and sweet but apologetic "Really sorry, but I can't do that - it's just not practical for me. I hope you find someone."

this level of people pleasing is mind-blowing to me though and I wonder if your "friend" is a CF in other ways too and has been happily abusing you for years.

Agree entirely on being short and sweet as above. I wouldn't go into the reasons as she will then try and counter them one by one. If she keeps pestering, I would just say "I'm sorry, I've given it a lot of thought and the answer is no." And repeat as required.

She is taking the mick frankly. One person is going to end up unhappy out of this and it may as well be her rather than you.

DoDoDoD · 11/09/2023 11:59

I'd say don't make any sort of detailed excuses as she may come back with 'solutions'. Just say something along the line of "re. your dog, I'm not able to take this on. I've hear good doggy daycare works for some people so that might be a solution for you"

Whiskerson · 11/09/2023 12:00

"Hey, it sounds like you're in a tight spot with Rover, I can imagine it's stressful trying to sort this out! I'm afraid I cannot take him. I have a lot of things to keep on top of during the day (not to mention the rabbits, and errands etc), and it wouldn't be fair to either of us if I said I could do it. Sadly, dogs + my day don't mix! Hope you find a solution."

LifeIsShitJustNow · 11/09/2023 12:02

Fwiw, I have a good friend who has a dog. She needed some support re looking after her dog (more like one off vs your regular setting).

When talking with her, I mentioned that I’d love to help but didn’t feel i could.
Her answer was: ‘Of course not!! Dogs aren’t your thing. I’d never expect you to do anything like this!’

Now compare that with what your friend is asking from you - a non dog owner.p (just like me)

insatiableme · 11/09/2023 12:06

Just say exactly what you said on this thread. No it's too much of a commitment hence why I don't have a dog myself.

WannabeMathematician · 11/09/2023 12:06

"No, I don't want to."

Practice in the mirror. Roll play it with your spouse/partner/parents. Say it to yourself like a mantra. Reformed people pleaser here. People ask you because they think you will say yes, once I trained myself to say no, I was asked a lot less!

ColleenDonaghy · 11/09/2023 12:12

It's a massive ask and perfectly fine for you to say no. Go with one of the short and simple replies on here and if she doesn't take that for an answer get more firm by telling her this is the reason you don't have a dog, it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

DoDoDoD · 11/09/2023 12:15

I've a dog, and a friend who can't have a dog in her flat but loves them and says she really wants to spend time with him or bring him for walks. One time we were really stuck (we were at a relative's funeral 2 - 10 pm, and local dog minders were busy). She came and worked from our house and we gave her a £50 voucher and told her if she could just give him a walk and be in the house with him for a couple of hours after that it would be totally fine - eg 5-8 pm. I wouldn't have dreamed of asking for her to be here the entire time, and wouldn't have not given her something for the trouble. OP your friend sounds completely beyond cheeky

Newestname002 · 11/09/2023 12:23

BitOutOfPractice · 11/09/2023 10:36

oh op you are tying yourself in knots about this, making excuses to us when there’s really no need. You are too nice! I simple “no I can’t” would do.

Absolutely agree, OP, that you are tying yourself up in knots and, also, I think you are using far too much mental energy on this.

The longer you have this going round in your head the worse you'll feel and the more this "friend" is getting the message that you'll capitulate. Please, bite the bullet and send her a text/WhatsApp message and say No I can't help you at all and you'll need to seek help elsewhere. Don't offer solutions because she's more than capable of finding these herself - she's not backwards in coming forwards is she? Once you've messaged her put your phone on silent or "do not disturb" for a while, whilst you savour the absolute relief of standing up for yourself. I wouldn't even offer her occasional "one-off" care either as that's the thin end of the wedge. BTW having boundaries and sticking by them gets easier the more you practice.

I remember once I was called at work by a family member asking me to travel to their house (many miles from me, and I'd need a car to get to shops, etc and I didn't drive so would have needed to pay for taxis) so I could look after their three children whilst they went on holiday. I had no problem saying no to taking a week's holiday from work to look after their children whilst they went on holiday and yes they were surprised I didn't take up their kind offer - but it made them mentally cross me off their list for next time.

Good luck - you can do this! 🌹

becarefulofyourheart · 11/09/2023 12:25

I’d go for ‘🤣’ as a response.

If you don’t fancy that, ‘Fido is lovely but rabbits + job+dog would be chaos, maybe check out dog-sitters if he needs company?’

Agree there’s no need to apologise or to worry about saying no - it’s a wild suggestion.

chutneysauce · 11/09/2023 12:37

I know it feels awkward but honestly I think it is an easy one for me. Your reasons are perfectly fine and valid and if she is that good a friend she will understand your reasons. And if you let her know quickly she can source other help

Pumpernickles · 11/09/2023 12:44

As they say on MN, no is a complete sentence

SafferUpNorth · 11/09/2023 12:54

JUST SAY NO.

Sorry Friend, I am unable to help. I hope you find a dog sitter.

END OF. No explanation needed.

steppemum · 11/09/2023 13:03

one tip.
Don't do it face to face.
Send a message. then you can take time to phrase it.
Show empathy and a firm no.
(eg, what a tough situation for you. I can't do it, I hope you can find a registered dog sitter who can)

Then when she replies. wait. This is such a good thing to learn. Do not reply for 24 hours. Then repeat what you said the first time. No. Don't engage with her solutions, just repeat, - not possible for me. Hope you find someone.

steppemum · 11/09/2023 13:05

tara66 · 11/09/2023 11:52

Most people who go out all day either do not have a dog or use a dog minder/dog walker, who collects and returns dog from the property and has keys to it. Look up some local service like that and ask her if she has tried them. eg ''Doggy Day Care''.

the problem is that she cannot leave this dog, so she can't use a service which calls in and walks the dog because it cannot be left in between.
He even needs to be in the same room!

Honestly a dog who cannot be left is a 100% nightmare.

EggInANest · 11/09/2023 13:08

"Aww, friend, much as Fido is adorable, if I wanted the commitment and responsibility of a dog I would have got one! Just not compatible with my work patterns. P.S - just asked the rabbits what they think and they are also against the idea. Can't think why! I hope you get something sorted XXXXX"

inadarkwood · 11/09/2023 13:17

I feel awkward/uncomfortable/put in a corner.

Enough, already. The sooner you tell her no, the sooner you will stop stewing on this.

Her dog is not your problem.