Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How do I say no to this ?

137 replies

Haircut100900 · 10/09/2023 21:20

Life long people pleaser

Friend has asked me to look after her dog in the day. I don't want to do it. End of. I know she is desperate though. But at the end of the day, she chose to have the dog. I don't have a dog because I don't want to look after one, simple as. I cannot say no without any reasoning. This is a really close friend.
What the hell do I say ?

OP posts:
PetiteNasturtium · 11/09/2023 10:42

If she is a good friend and you say no she will be fine. How long have you known her?

inadarkwood · 11/09/2023 10:50

Haircut100900 · 11/09/2023 10:21

I am fully WAH following covid as we no longer have an office. Having the dog means:
I cannot just pop out as an when in the day eg the shop for supplies. The dog cannot be left alone
Due to the nature of the dog, I would have to have it in the room with me at all times
It would hugely restrict/dominate my time/day
I often go out for lunch to meet a colleague/friend
We have rabbits in the garden, My friend knows this and the fact the dog could not go out in the garden. That would also mean that I cannot have the patio door open as I work as the dog could then get to the rabbits. I have the door open most days, the dog would need to be tied up in the day/when the door is open
I don't have a dog for the above reasons
I don't want the responsibility, regardless of the dog/owner

I feel in a really awkward place now she has asked me.

If it's so unimaginable for you to say no to her face, send her a text. You cannot turn her into a reasonable person who makes reasonable requests. You know all of this. You know you want to say no. Send her a very brief message that says unequivocably that you are unable to be her (unpaid) dogsitter. The end.

Jamessmith0901 · 11/09/2023 10:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Haircut100900 · 11/09/2023 10:56

Good friends for around 5 years
WAH it's amazing how many people assume I can do things for them/they can just drop in.
I work FT.
She has no plans to pay me, even if she did I would not want the money that much to say yes to her
I feel really put on and I am really stressing about this. Things like this really stress me out. I feel awkward/uncomfortable/put in a corner.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 11/09/2023 10:59

Just say no. You shouldn’t feel awkward about it. She’s the one who should feel awkward.

Why did she get a dog in the first place if she’s out the house all day?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 11:02

As soon as you’ve told her you won’t do it you’ll stop stressing. Do it now. You don’t need a reason but if you want to give one say “I can’t help you, it’s too big a responsibility and not fair on my rabbits.” Short and factual. No apologies.

Imogensmumma · 11/09/2023 11:04

She’s not even a long time friend please op just say no… if she’s put out she isn’t a good friend

Message her now you will feel better and we can help if she responds

itsmylife7 · 11/09/2023 11:06

A good friend wouldn't ask you to take on such a mammoth task OP

Just send the text outlining the reasons you've posted on this thread.

If it changes the friendship... nothing you can do.

Personally, I think she's trying to take advantage of you.

MagpiePi · 11/09/2023 11:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 11:02

As soon as you’ve told her you won’t do it you’ll stop stressing. Do it now. You don’t need a reason but if you want to give one say “I can’t help you, it’s too big a responsibility and not fair on my rabbits.” Short and factual. No apologies.

This is a good response. Perhaps also add that the dog would be tied up all day because of the rabbits and so would be happier with a professional dog sitter.

CornedBeef451 · 11/09/2023 11:11

I think if you start putting boundaries in place then your life will be much easier generally.

I WAH and no one has ever asked me to do anything for them during my working hours, nor do they expect to drop by unannounced.

I will do anything I can for friends and family within reason, but I don't get any CFs asking for favours and I am comfortable saying no to unreasonable requests.

Maybe you could work on why you are a people pleaser, perhaps counselling would help?

Dfriend is a people pleaser and is currently being pressured to look after a puppy for a week.

She is really upset about it and struggling to say no...this would absolutely not happen to me and if anyone did ask I would say no, of course not, that's ridiculous!

Do you want someone in here to draft a nice text for you? I'd be no good as I'd just say a blunt no but lots of people have suggested what you might say.

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 11/09/2023 11:18

Globules · 10/09/2023 21:34

Be honest.

I love you, but I don't want to look after your dog every day. That's why I don't have a dog of my own. Here's the phone numbers of a few local dog sitters that you might find useful.

This is a great reply! Although I wouldn’t say ‘I love you’ to someone who expected me to look after their dog regularly for no payment. I sincerely hope she didn’t acquire it on the basis that she assumed you would look after it. You need to speak up firmly and unequivocally op and you don’t need to provide a list of explanations either .

“ Hi x, I know you are in a tight spot with finding day time care for your dog but I am not the solution. Bluntly, if I wanted to look after a dog, we would have acquired one of our own. Good luck finding somewhere else.”

Also op, I really understand your predicament because I hate saying no to people as well, but you are perfectly within your rights here and your friend is the one causing this awkward situation. She should have sorted day time care before getting a dog. And it’s cheeky of her to (a)put you in this spot and (b) not to even offer payment. That’s really not on
and you have absolutely no reason to feel bad for refusing her request.

Maybe it might be helpful to explore why you are finding this so difficult?

Hopelesslydevotedtoshrews · 11/09/2023 11:20

She could try Borrow my Doggy when she needs help? But otherwise no, you're working, presumably not as a dog sitter. This is not your problem to solve.

yellowsmileyface · 11/09/2023 11:21

She's being massively unreasonable and cheeky.

You've had some good suggestions on this thread. Just text her now so it's dealt with. You'll feel a lot better once it's done.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 11/09/2023 11:24

You're well within your right to just say no without an explanation but if you feel you must make an excuse then say

  • no, because it's not fair on your rabbits
  • no, because it's too much of a tie every day as you need freedom to run errands
  • no, because you're working and the dog will be a distraction
Cosmosforbreakfast · 11/09/2023 11:26

Of course you can say no without giving any reasons. Just say 'no, that won't work for me' and leave it at that. If she starts asking why don't even answer , just ask her has she looked up dog sitters or dog walkers in the area. Once you've said no once it'll get easier to say no again and then keep on saying no.

jay55 · 11/09/2023 11:27

No I don't want to, the rabbits are more than enough animal care for me.

Hbh17 · 11/09/2023 11:29

Don't apologise and you don't need an excuse. "Unfortunately, Sarah, it's just not possible for me to look after your dog, but I hope you find someone suitable very soon".
That's it - let's face it, they're taking the wotsit by assuming you'll provide free doggy daycare instead if what a normal person would do, ie paying for a dog sitter/walker.

CurlewKate · 11/09/2023 11:32

"I'm really sorry, but the answer is no"

CharlotteBog · 11/09/2023 11:36

WAH it's amazing how many people assume I can do things for them/they can just drop in.

How has that been allowed to become an issue?
I had it a bit with my FIL when I first started WFH years ago. I knocked it on the head.

"I can't do that, I'm working". Repeat.

HamstersAreMyLife · 11/09/2023 11:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 11:02

As soon as you’ve told her you won’t do it you’ll stop stressing. Do it now. You don’t need a reason but if you want to give one say “I can’t help you, it’s too big a responsibility and not fair on my rabbits.” Short and factual. No apologies.

Really, do this.

RagesOnForAges · 11/09/2023 11:37

Dear 'CF friend '
I assume you have forgotten we keep rabbits?
On that basis alone it is completely unpractical to look after Spot, so my answer is no.
Good luck in your search (to offload your mutt)

Spareus · 11/09/2023 11:38

Sorry don’t trust myself to look after someone else’s dog the whole day so not comfortable with it! Will have to pass, sorry and hope you get someone capable to help!

PortalooSunset · 11/09/2023 11:45

Can we all stop with the "sorry but.." replies?!

@Haircut100900 has absolutely no reason to apologise!!

She didn't buy the dog, and it's not on her to be sorry that she doesn't want to look after it. It's nobody's responsibility but the owner's.

steppemum · 11/09/2023 11:46

OP I have a dog, and there is no way I would have a dog that could not be left. Not being able to leave the house at all is a complete nightmare!
There is no way on tha basis alone that I would ever consider looking after a dog like this.
I wouldn't do it even if paid.

Dh and I both work from home. It is astonishing how many people assume that means you are free to do anything at any time. When I say - I can't do that I am working, people look surprised!

You are worried about upsetting her or looking bad, or spoiling the friendship, but here's the thing, she wasn't worried about any of those things when she asked you to do this.

I would do it as an emergency one off. Maybe even for a week if needed (eg she had to go into hospital or something) but even then it would be as a huge favour to a good friend. I would be more willing to help with holidays etc if her dog could be left.

MrsKarlUrban · 11/09/2023 11:46

Or if you really need an out - I am a bit like you people pleaser and need an excuse other than no - tell her work has said you might have to start going back into the office
Or you have to help a trainee meaning you have to go out every day something like that

Swipe left for the next trending thread