Page 3 | How do I say no to this ?

Haircut100900 · 2023-09-10T20:20:13+00:00

Life long people pleaser Friend has asked me to look after her dog in the day. I don't want to do it. End of. I know she is desperate though. But at the end of the day, she chose to have the dog. I don't have a dog because I don't want to look after one, simple as. I cannot say no without any reasoning. This is a really close friend. What the hell do I say ?

inadarkwood · 11/09/2023 06:27

CFs target people-pleasing types for their horrible and unreasonable asks.

It is really hard to not cave in.

Practice saying out loud all your phrases. Practice simplifying and shortening your no sentence, so that there is nothing for CF to grab onto and twist your arm over.

It is very scary sometimes to say no to someone, but here is a good opportunity to practice - as this is absolutely not something you have any desire to do or are even at all suitable to do.

piscofrisco · 11/09/2023 06:51

I boards dogs and do day care at home. It's a big commitment. I definitely wouldn't do it (except maybe as a one off if a friend was desperate and their dog was well behaved), if I wasn't paid to do it!

Is she even offering to pay you?

tuvamoodyson · 11/09/2023 07:00

‘No, I can’t commit myself to that…’

NoSquirrels · 11/09/2023 07:03

“Dear Friend, I don't have a dog of my own because I don't want to look after one, so I’m not going to look after yours. It’s just not something I will do.”

blendedfamly · 11/09/2023 07:21

It's fine to ask but also fine to say no.

"Sorry I can't commit to something like that. Hope you get sorted soon "

If she leaves it great. If she puts pressure on she is not a friend she is a user.

"I said no. Find somebody else or look after him yourself "

If you have to resort to a second text I'd be backing away from that friendship.

Boomboom22 · 11/09/2023 07:26

I don't think it is fine to ask, she's basically saying op should work for free for her indefinitely. And dogs are not safe or clean either, end of friendship really. She thinks nothing of you clearly.

Septemberlady · 11/09/2023 07:26

I would tell her that I have no ability to control dogs and the animal wouldn’t be safe with me because it might get run over.

WeWereInParis · 11/09/2023 07:30

I cannot say no without any reasoning.

"I do not want to look after a dog, which is why I don't have my own"

Its not a one-off, it's an ask to have it regularly, going forward

She's massively taking the piss here. No way would I agree to this!

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 11/09/2023 07:31

"Of course. My fee is £2000 a week, plus any indemnity insurances that will be required, plus the cost of a cleaner and any replacements needed for furniture, carpets etc."

WorseDecision · 11/09/2023 07:31

"No thanks, I don't have a dog of my own for this reason." And don't expand.

topnoddy · 11/09/2023 07:32

Tell her you don't run a dog sitting service

Proudgypsy · 11/09/2023 07:33

In this instance I think it's perfectly acceptable to say no without giving a reason. The fact that you don't want to is reason enough.

JustAnotherUsey · 11/09/2023 07:35

What's your situation? Do you work from home or have kids? Can you say you have to go into office, or a kid is allergic?

I would just tell the truth, or along the lines of you don't want your day to be restricted by a dog. Or just say sorry, you don't like dogs and don't want the responsibility of looking after one.

backoffbuster · 11/09/2023 07:36

Absolutely no way. She may be desperate but there will be other options. I know people who dog share. Also people who use ‘borrow my dog’. And I have friends who mutually help each other out with their dogs whenever needed. And of course plenty of people here use paid for dog walkers.

I have my mum’s dog occasionally. But there is no way I could have it every day. I just don’t really like dogs. I’m happy taking it for a walk, but I don’t like them in the house.

HoliHormonalTigerLillyTheSecond · 11/09/2023 07:58

Haircut100900 · 11/09/2023 00:53

Its not a one-off, it's an ask to have it regularly, going forward

Sorry I don't want to do that.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/09/2023 08:01

The fact she's asking for it regularly makes things a lot easier. Just say that you don't want to take on that commitment and that you don't enjoy being with dogs.

nevynevster · 11/09/2023 08:03

Yes just use one of the phrases suggested by PP. The main thing is don't give a reason , as reasons can be argued with and as a people pleaser this will be harder.
So a simple "sorry, no I can't". Or "that doesn't work for me" or whatever phrase you pick and just repeat it. If she asks why not, repeat the phrase maybe adding "just" IE "that just doesn't work for me" and just add "hope you find a solution" or "have you tried doggy daycare" or whatever. If she pushes, repeat the phrase again or change to another similar phrase "I just can't, sorry. Hope you get sorted soon" .

Good luck

ThreeRingCircus · 11/09/2023 08:08

My opinion is that no real friend would ask this of you.

Exactly this. It's a ridiculous CFer request from her so you need to take a deep breath and be firm.

"That doesn't work for me I'm afraid, I can't commit to such a big request and wouldn't be suitable.... I suggest you look for a professional dog sitter."

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 11/09/2023 08:08

I have a family member who has started doing this for her daughter and it is really impacting her lifestyle. She is retired and now has to miss her hobbies or change plans with friends due to having the dog. She suggested doggy day care which her daughter has started but she is now being landed with collection and pick ups from there most days. She also has the dog over nights some weeks due to her daughters work commitments and has also had the dog whilst her daughter has been on holiday. I know she wouldn't say it but I'm sure she is becoming quite resentful and wishes she has been firm at the start

Original poster

Haircut100900 · 11/09/2023 10:21

I am fully WAH following covid as we no longer have an office. Having the dog means:
I cannot just pop out as an when in the day eg the shop for supplies. The dog cannot be left alone
Due to the nature of the dog, I would have to have it in the room with me at all times
It would hugely restrict/dominate my time/day
I often go out for lunch to meet a colleague/friend
We have rabbits in the garden, My friend knows this and the fact the dog could not go out in the garden. That would also mean that I cannot have the patio door open as I work as the dog could then get to the rabbits. I have the door open most days, the dog would need to be tied up in the day/when the door is open
I don't have a dog for the above reasons
I don't want the responsibility, regardless of the dog/owner

I feel in a really awkward place now she has asked me.

OP posts:

sodthesodoff · 11/09/2023 10:29

Haircut100900 · 11/09/2023 10:21

I am fully WAH following covid as we no longer have an office. Having the dog means:
I cannot just pop out as an when in the day eg the shop for supplies. The dog cannot be left alone
Due to the nature of the dog, I would have to have it in the room with me at all times
It would hugely restrict/dominate my time/day
I often go out for lunch to meet a colleague/friend
We have rabbits in the garden, My friend knows this and the fact the dog could not go out in the garden. That would also mean that I cannot have the patio door open as I work as the dog could then get to the rabbits. I have the door open most days, the dog would need to be tied up in the day/when the door is open
I don't have a dog for the above reasons
I don't want the responsibility, regardless of the dog/owner

I feel in a really awkward place now she has asked me.

Say all of this to her then

Honestly she's not a friend though. No friend would put this shit on someone else

It's her problem. Not yours

Don't make it your problem to solve.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/09/2023 10:30

No.

Why can't she hire a dog walker?

BitOutOfPractice · 11/09/2023 10:36

oh op you are tying yourself in knots about this, making excuses to us when there’s really no need. You are too nice! I simple “no I can’t” would do.

Talipesmum · 11/09/2023 10:40

OP I do understand the agony as I’m an absolute people pleaser too. First - please make sure you don’t let your mouth agree to this to avoid conflict, and think you’ll go back on it later. It’s harder to retract! And I suggest writing a text to her to say no - easier not in person. Say sorry no, you can’t take her dog on, it just won’t work for you. Then ask her about something else entirely.

PortalooSunset · 11/09/2023 10:41

Haircut100900 · 11/09/2023 10:21

I am fully WAH following covid as we no longer have an office. Having the dog means:
I cannot just pop out as an when in the day eg the shop for supplies. The dog cannot be left alone
Due to the nature of the dog, I would have to have it in the room with me at all times
It would hugely restrict/dominate my time/day
I often go out for lunch to meet a colleague/friend
We have rabbits in the garden, My friend knows this and the fact the dog could not go out in the garden. That would also mean that I cannot have the patio door open as I work as the dog could then get to the rabbits. I have the door open most days, the dog would need to be tied up in the day/when the door is open
I don't have a dog for the above reasons
I don't want the responsibility, regardless of the dog/owner

I feel in a really awkward place now she has asked me.

Literally no idea why you'd feel awkward saying no, when the person asking is aware of all that.

I wish people would stop viewing WFH as "fully available for any and all shit you want to dump on me, my paid employment is obvs just a hobby I can squeeze in anytime".