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Original poster

What's the deal with all of the 'school mums' problems and playground politics?

91 replies

Mindingmyown1 · 10/09/2023 18:33

My DD starts primary school tomorrow. For years I've seen posts about problems with 'school mums' and cliques, bitchiness, people dreading the pick up and drop off, playground 'politics' if you will.

What's all that about then? Is that universal?

I'm not a very social person so I don't plan on hanging around and mingling, it just sounds a bit daunting..

OP posts:
Alwaysdecorating · 10/09/2023 18:41

its the same as anything. Get a group of people together, who have next to nothing in common (except when their child was born) who wouldn’t normally be friends, make them think they should be friends and problems will occur.

I never had a problem. My kids went to 4 different schools (2 each) and I never had any incidents or problems. But I wasn’t looking for friends there. I went dropped the kids off and left. I didn’t want to go to ‘mum dinners/lunches’ or nights out. The kids still went to peoples houses for tea, we still had them over and so on.

I think a lot of people feel pressure to be friends with people on the school run. They think they have to be to be a good parent. So I see why people feel the pressure, but I think it’s (largely) more about people thinking they should, rather than wanting to.

Blossomandbee · 10/09/2023 18:47

It varies from school to school I've found. Smaller schools seem to be worse. There will be friendship groups and cliques but there doesn't have to be drama.
Just drop your child and go. Smile and say hello if others do. If you naturally gravitate to another parent who you like then great, but otherwise keep your head down and don't involve yourself in politics and gossip.

hopeishere · 10/09/2023 18:48

I think there are some people who do really want to make new friends. And sometimes that works. I made 3/4 good friends through DS.

If you don't like want to make new friends. It's fine to drop and run. Of the 30 mums in my sons class I would say 2/3 came to nights out etc.

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JustKeepSlimming · 10/09/2023 18:50

It depends on the school and the set of parents you get landed with. My 2 are both in classes with lovely parents - we're not trying to be best friends, but we help each other out and we're happy when each other's kids do well. When any of the kids have fallen out, it's always dealt with quickly and people take responsibility for sorting out their own child's part in it.

As I say, we're not all best friends, but we can have a chat at the school gates and pass the time at birthday parties.

Having said that, school are good at helping create a nice atmosphere - they encourage parents to meet, they're very sharp on bullying and they deal with issues well.

EquallyDetermined · 10/09/2023 18:53

I only ran into problems once in 9 years of the school run. On the other hand I made a circle of very close friends who still meet up regularly many years later and lots of others who I stop and catch up with if I see them out and about.

APurpleSquirrel · 10/09/2023 18:54

Erm... they're just people - people who happen to have children at the same school. Some will be friends, some won't. Some are nice, some aren't. I've made good friends with some of the other parents; some I just say pleasantries too. It's like anywhere else you meet people - work, Uni, college, clubs.

Gingerlygreen · 10/09/2023 18:54

I think you get out what you put in, I only had one friend before dd was born but made the effort at playgroups, nursery and then school to get to know other Mums, arrange play dates and then as I got to know the parents some developed into friendships. Personally I'm happy to have made a few friends and have some great times socially with them, it's also nice to go out together with the kids sometimes or have half an hour at the park on a nice day after school.

As for cliques I'm not keen on that term, parents who know each other or who's children are friends will tend to talk to each other but it's not like they stand glaring at other parents.

My eldest is now in year 6 and so I got to know a lot of the parents at class parties whereas dd2 was in reception when covid hit so there weren't any parties then when school returned we had to line up and distance and so I haven't got to know many from her class which is a shame.

I'm sure some parents do clash but that's the same in any group but everyone is polite, if you don't want to make friends that's totally fine, mornings are drop and go then afternoons when parents wait together you can always time it to get there 2 minutes before they're let out so you don't have to chat to anyone.

Nobodyinteresting · 10/09/2023 18:55

Argh

CurlewKate · 10/09/2023 19:13

It's largely made up/imaginary. People made
Just people. Some are nice, some aren't. Smile, be friendly. Don't look for slights.

GotMooMilk · 10/09/2023 19:15

CurlewKate · 10/09/2023 19:13

It's largely made up/imaginary. People made
Just people. Some are nice, some aren't. Smile, be friendly. Don't look for slights.

This. The only two friends of mine who’ve experience the playground drama and supposed cliques are those who have found the same at university/workplace etc. most people are there for a practical purpose and are happy to have a friendly light superficial friendship for the primary years with the odd few developing into proper friendships.

IhearyouClemFandango · 10/09/2023 19:16

Course it isn't. School parents are just people, like you, who have kids of school age. Some will be dicks, some won't.

Hardbackwriter · 10/09/2023 19:19

I have never encountered any of this. It may be sheer luck, but I note that people on MN complain about a lot of different things - cliques who already know each other, that it's too much trouble to make small talk with strangers, that no one is friendly, mums who show off and talk about themselves or their children too much, mums who make too much effort with their appearance... Some of these are actually contradictory and so at least some of the time people are perceiving problems that another person just wouldn't recognise as one.

CurlewKate · 10/09/2023 19:20

I remember a boss I had once saying, very gently to a co worker "Sarah-just wondering. Do you find that there's alway a lot of drama where you are? She looked amazed "OMG YES! I wonder why!"

Divebar2021 · 10/09/2023 19:25

I think you’ll find that if you make friends it’s called “ friends” but if other people make friends it’s called “cliques”. And you could go the whole hog and call them “clicks” just for impact.

Saschka · 10/09/2023 19:51

Fine to be “friendly” rather than “friends”. It is worth making the effort to smile and get to know people, just so you aren’t sitting on your own like a lemon at birthday parties/school events. But I don’t see anyone without our children present, or class them as ”my” friends.

I’ve never noticed any drama, beyond moaning about school stuff on the class Whatsapp (moaning about last-minute date changes for school plays etc meaning parents who work have booked the wrong time off and can’t attend, and the near-daily requirement for fancy dress at the end of the school year - nothing about the other parents).

Screamingabdabz · 10/09/2023 19:59

I just used to drop my kids off and pick them up. That’s it’s.

While you’re waiting you may (or may not) chat to other people standing there.

Sometimes friendships develop - more so if the kids are friends and have play dates. I had some really quite strange encounters with other mums that weren’t the kind of people I’d ever have chosen to rub along with - but you do, for the sake of the kids.

Once they go to secondary it all ends so you’ve only got 6 years to get through!!

Annon1234 · 10/09/2023 20:03

I always wondered what the big deal about making school mum friends was, I have friends a really nice circle of friends I honestly don’t feel the need to make friends with other mums I have nothing in common with, I know people make friends for life, but the friendships are mostly temporary once the kids have left school
or become more independent. A friendly hello and small talk is surely enough

mummymama81 · 10/09/2023 20:06

What about if you're keen to make friends though? I had my DS in the pandemic so missed out on NCT / nursery friends. I would love to make a handful of friends when DC starts reception next year. What my best approach?

Divebar2021 · 10/09/2023 20:42

What about if you're keen to make friends though?

I think you have to be proactive. I live near the school and arranged for class parents to come over to mine after drop off and I served coffee and pastries. A few other mums then hosted at various points over the next year.
If you don’t want to do that you could volunteer for PTA events. Alternatively you will probably be invited to a lot of birthday parties in reception and certainly my experience was that parents stayed in the first year rather than dropping and going. Generally I made a couple of friends over the years but in year 5 I had a chance meeting with a mum on my train and we really hit it off. She then invited me to a book club comprised of other mums. They are a really tight group and I’m very lucky to have been accepted.

megletthesecond · 10/09/2023 20:46

It's easy to avoid the awful parents tbh. They tend to fall out among themselves and their kids.
Everyone else tends to get along nicely.

TwigTheWonderKid · 10/09/2023 21:01

I don't think it's a universal experience. I had two children at our local primary school and both groups of parents were lovely. I made a couple of proper friends from each class and although I wasn't best buddies with the rest everyone got along and there was no drama.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 21:02

Same I just didn’t talk to them

BelindaBears · 10/09/2023 21:04

I’m only a year in but haven’t experienced any of this. There are some people who are friendlier than others, and some who are friendlier with each other but even the class WhatsApp group has been sadly devoid of drama. The school run is a big mix of mums, dads, grandparents and childminders anyway, I think most people work or are on maternity leave, so have much better things to do than bitching or clique forming. Maybe more of an issue in areas where that’s not the case?

Beezknees · 10/09/2023 21:04

I never had any issues. To be honest though I wasn't bothered about making friends, I don't mean that I wasn't friendly to people but I didn't care if they didn't want to be social with me outside school. I already had my own set of friends and I was a very young mum so I didn't really gel with many of the parents there, we weren't living the same lives.

When DS made specific friends I exchanged numbers with the mums, had the kids over for playdates and parties, but I didn't meet the mums for coffee or anything, it was just friendly chit chat to enable our kids friendships.

Beezknees · 10/09/2023 21:05

Oh and I was never in any bloody whatsapp group and wouldn't have accepted if there was one.

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