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What's the deal with all of the 'school mums' problems and playground politics?

91 replies

Mindingmyown1 · 10/09/2023 18:33

My DD starts primary school tomorrow. For years I've seen posts about problems with 'school mums' and cliques, bitchiness, people dreading the pick up and drop off, playground 'politics' if you will.

What's all that about then? Is that universal?

I'm not a very social person so I don't plan on hanging around and mingling, it just sounds a bit daunting..

OP posts:
user1497207191 · 11/09/2023 11:38

I never had any problems, but then again, I wasn't interested in joining in their cliques etc. I'd be pleasant enough and engage in minimal small talk, but was also happy to stand on my own when waiting. I wasn't there to make friends, so just came and went every day, with the occasional smile or hello. Obviously, I'd talk to others when arranging play dates or arranging lifts if going to parties etc., but the other parents were always "at arm's length" and I never got over-involved with any of them. Hence, no dramas, no conflicts, etc.

BadHairBae · 11/09/2023 11:44

I won't be getting overly involved in anything like that when DS starts school. Just seems like another thing I don't have the time for. But if it happens naturally that's fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

BarleySugars · 11/09/2023 11:47

I never had any problems but then i see it the same as being at a bus stop.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Libelil · 11/09/2023 12:03

"the other parents were always "at arm's length" and I never got over-involved with any of them. Hence, no dramas, no conflicts, etc."

There is this surprising middle option lying between 'arms length' and 'over-involved'...it's called sociability and friendliness. It usually leads to good things if you let it. Some people on this thread could do with giving it a try...

GigiAnnna · 11/09/2023 12:11

I think the problems arise when people use each other as free childcare and someone ends up feeling taken advantage of. Someone tried to get me involved in a kind of unofficial childcare circle, not by directly asking but by becoming friendly and then turning up at my house for coffee and bringing other people's kids in tow, then saying they had to quickly run home and could I mind the kids ( one hers, the others were another mum's kids).I had to nip that in the bud very quickly because I could see what was going to happen.

Whattodo112222 · 11/09/2023 12:15

I think it just varies OP. You may be lucky and have really lovely parents at your school.
My daughter started school last week and so far everyone has been lovely. Made a friend who lives a few houses down and its been really nice. Had no politics whatsoever as of yet.

illiterato · 11/09/2023 12:25

Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 22:57

I think it's usually said in a sneery tone "school mum friends" as if being friendly and chatty is a bad thing. Putting women down.

There's a sort of superiority (imo) around posters who actively don't want to be friends with "school mums"....but if you're a mum with a school age child essentially you are a school mum ....so what makes everyone else so different? What are "others" (but not them) doing that creates drama or makes them people to be avoided...?

#notliketheothergirls syndrome ( there’s an entire Reddit forum dedicated to it- people who think they’re super interesting and unique and def way more so than other mums at the school gate.)

in particular I don’t really the get “why would I want to talk to people I have nothing in common with other than the age of our children”. I mean, they honestly think that of 29 other people they won’t have anything in common with any of them? How do they know until they talk to them? They might be kindred spirits.

Cakencookieobsessed · 11/09/2023 12:48

illiterato · 11/09/2023 12:25

#notliketheothergirls syndrome ( there’s an entire Reddit forum dedicated to it- people who think they’re super interesting and unique and def way more so than other mums at the school gate.)

in particular I don’t really the get “why would I want to talk to people I have nothing in common with other than the age of our children”. I mean, they honestly think that of 29 other people they won’t have anything in common with any of them? How do they know until they talk to them? They might be kindred spirits.

I don't think it's that people think that they are superior, just that they are busy and can't be arsed joining in small talk. Nothing wrong with that, not everyone is extroverted and chatty.

hdbs17 · 11/09/2023 12:59

At our school, there's definitely groups of mums that hang around together and their kids are all friends, but then from I can gather, they all live on the same street.

There's also plenty of people that just talk to those they know outside of the school gates anyway.

I wouldn't say I've experienced anything similar to what's portrayed on Motherland for example, but I do give off a general "don't talk to me" vibe.

Fourecks · 11/09/2023 13:05

Exactly. Two of the mums I've become friends with because our kids are in the same class and we often run into each other on the way to school are both senior women in a male-dominated industry. One was recently giving the other advice when going for a promotion.

OP, people tend to post on forums when they have a problem, so it can create a biased perception of what a situation is like.

For me personally, I was one of those people who would dash in and out of daycare. I would say hi but had zero interest in making friends with other parents. Then my oldest started school in 2020, and my core friendship group drifted due to various reasons. We're still friends, just not catching up as often. I was a bit lonely there for a year or two, but now I've made friends with other parents who live in the neighbourhood.

As others have said, it's really handy having people who can pick up your children when you're sick or running late, or can sympathize/laugh about whatever is going on with the kids.

MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 12/09/2023 12:36

I would keep an open mind and I say that as someone who didn't have the best experience. I wholeheartedly believe that it is the luck of the drawer whether that is school or year group. I think there is propensity for drama and cliquey behaviour in a small village school. This certainly echoes my experience as the social climbing and engineering has adversely affected my daughter. However, I don't think I would have been as unlucky in a different cohort, demographic or school as I haven't previously encountered the mean girls thing in any meaningful way.

In short, it's like any interpersonal exchange in life: it's discerning when to engage and when to back away.

Breakingpoint1961 · 12/09/2023 22:34

@CurlewKate you're right Motherland is a comedy, because the whole cliquey nonsense is laughable! It may have been exaggerated, but it certainly has relatable content.

Passivhaus · 13/09/2023 07:34

Some of it will also depend on how popular your kid is perceived to be. I have three and the most popular one was definitely the one where other parents were making the most effort to chat to me.

Also depends as well on the other parents and how much they want to engage. Motherland much like programmes like the office is an exaggerated form of the truth. I've never encountered an Amanda but I have encountered parents I could see that she is based on.

toadasoda · 13/09/2023 14:21

They are just people like you OP. People who know each other stop to talk, nothing wrong with this, so there will probably be a group who know each other through older siblings enthusiastically chatting after not talking for the Summer. It isn't a reflection on anyone. You'll find there are also plenty first timers like you.

I honestly think much of the cliques and drama is played out in the imaginations of more introverted people. And I agree with PPs who point out it is a little sexist, if three male colleagues went for lunch together people wouldn't be whining 'why are they leaving me out', they would just assume they are friends, and so what if they are. As for the 'I've nothing in common with these people' brigade, well if your kids are the same age, go to the same school and you live in the same area, well what more in common do you need! If people only talk to those who share their specific hobby or profession then they are very narrow minded indeed IMO.

I honestly believe that making an effort with school parents can only do 1 thing and that is benefit your children. Parents are much more likely to arrange playdates with a kid if they know the parent even just from polite chat about the weather. No one wants to leave their kid with someone who comes off as cold and unfriendly. My advice would be to make the effort to strike up a conversation if you see someone alone, even if you hate to do this. You've worked jobs before where this is part and parcel of it I'm sure so this is no different.

I very much played the game. I had little family support and a new born twins but I went to every single coffee morning, night out etc even when it really didn't suit me as I wanted to make contacts. I also offered to carpool at any opportunity for parties etc, most parents were delighted. There were a few times where I had a genuine emergency and everyone bent over backwards to help me and thats when it paid off. I also benefitted from meeting some wonderful people, we are not friends as such but they are a circle of acquaintances. Also, my eldest was 'that kid' the one that is loud and troublesome and everyone avoids. I was used to hostility from childcare and playgrounds and often caught parents looking me up and down trying to judge me cos of my child's antics. This is one of the reasons I bent over backwards to meet everyone because my son needed this. I invited every single child to my house in the first term, some didn't go, some returned the favour, some didn't and that was fine. I know my boy would never have been asked anywhere if I hadn't put myself out there, 'that kid is trouble' was replaced with, 'he seems like a handful but the Mum is really nice, what harm can 1 day do'.

Coral569 · 13/09/2023 14:35

I thought playground politics, mum cliques, etc was just made up for the tv. It doesn't exist at all at my child's school and I can't imagine it going that way either.

No coffee meet ups, no nights out, no whatsapp groups, you turn up, say a quick "hello" to the other parents you recognise, grab your kid and go. It's bliss! There might be a bit of chatter but that's it. I don't know the name of a single other parent aside from one friend I've known for years pre-kids.

Grumps1 · 13/09/2023 19:18

Yes it’s real! There are always cliques. The blonde flashy ones who drive the giant 4x4 and love holidaying in Dubai/UAE etc
The working mums who you rarely see.
The chav mums who wear flip flops all year round! Etc etc you catch my drift!

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