What's the deal with all of the 'school mums' problems and playground politics?

[Mindingmyown1]

My DD starts primary school tomorrow. For years I've seen posts about problems with 'school mums' and cliques, bitchiness, people dreading the pick up and drop off, playground 'politics' if you will.

What's all that about then? Is that universal?

I'm not a very social person so I don't plan on hanging around and mingling, it just sounds a bit daunting..

To be honest-there's a lot of snobbery and misogyny on threads like these. "Oh, I am so far above these little women who like to chat about trivial things- I have nothing in common with their mundane lives. I have as little interaction as possible and get back to my ivory tower."

In reality you may not make friends for life at the school gates. But you don't make friends for life most places you go. But you might make friends for the moment. People to have a cup of coffee with. People you can do a favour for or who will do a favour for you. People to sit next to at the interminable nativity play. A little interaction in a busy day. Don't overthink it- they are just like you!

Why does people not being friendly to you mean 'drama'?

I'm a long time past the school run but I experienced this. My child did not attend the school nursery, I was on the back foot, Mums just weren't interested in striking up a conversation with me. It's very difficult standing on your own, with groups all around you and try to get someone's attention! I'm afraid a smile and a nod gets you nowhere..I made friends with people in a similar situation to me, those friendships lasted as long as my dc friendships/school lasted, so clearly there was a common denominator..the dc.

It's like anywhere there's 'groups' and the school gates/playground are full of 'groups'. It's not drama though, it's actually a very real and valid feeling.

The PP who quoted the series Motherland is spot on, it was based on observations.

Depends not just on the school but the year group. DS1, many of the parents grew up here, all had their own groups (some with grudges from primary already baked in) and as an outsider who was not at drop off it has affected (a) whether DS1 was invited to things when smaller…a good friend was told this openly by a Mum who hadn’t invited him to a party and (b) whether he got onto sports teams (he apparently wasn’t good enough for the year group team at a sport that he plays at County level because DH doesn’t go to the pub with that teacher. Small village grapevine tells me teacher was at least rather embarrassed when he realised).

Same school, DS2, influx of new families into a new estate and none of (a) at all. I suspect that (b) will be fine too because he’s DS1’s brother so the sports teacher will assume he can play that particular sport!

This is the vibe I get, that "school mums" are other women who are unfriendly/bitchy/drama lamas/cliquey etc... when in reality school mums are mums who have school age kids aka all of us....

My DD is year 13, and DS is year 9 I still have maybe 6 or 7 good friends that I met in the playground when they were at preschool or reception. Twice when my parents have been desperately ill and I've needed to rush to hospital I've dropped my DC with a school mum friend or asked them to collect from school while DH came home from work. Of course lots of MN would think this was cheeky fuckery of the highest order but imo that's a benefit of having local friends that your DC are familiar with (I have done the same thing for other friends when they've had an emergency)
In more mundane situations doing childcare swaps on parents evening, liftshares to parties or having someone to sit and chat with at sports day are all useful (and make parenting a bit easier/enjoyable imo)

I met all of my best friends at the school gate once my dds started at school. They remain my best friends two decades later!

Love this response and couldn't agree more! I tend to get on with most of the school Mums in DC's class (and dare I say it, enjoy their company when we go over for playdates/coffees/parties) but I had this attitude to start with.

Be nice to everyone, no great expectations of finding a new best friend and to be kind. If I can help out another parent, I am happy to and someone has always offered to help me when I have been stuck.

I've been doing school runs for 20 years and I've only ever noticed one clique of parents that were a bit "we're the best and you can't join us". They had nothing to do with any of my kid's classes so I happily ignored them. 99% of the time, school parents are lovely, and there are no cliques or politics to worry about. At least, not that I've found at my kid's school.
It's a Mumsnet trope at worst, and probably something that shy people imagine is happening. Not suggesting that there aren't some cliques about, but I'd say it's unusual. You will find parents of kids who are friends tend to bond together. I've only experienced classes where all the parents are close.

I agree with @CurlewKate . You don't hear words like drama and cliques about predominantly male places and that's sexism, not that drama and social exclusion don't exist there.In my view parents need the support of other parents to function, and I have found the best support and reassurance in my parenting from other mums of all ages.

So I have always been able to find friendly people who sometimes became closer friends at toddler groups,clubs and school. I'm quite shy and worked at least part time so walking in small groups to and from school made it easier, as well as chatting at birthday parties etc. A bonus of being friendly is that we help each other if we are late picking up, aren't sure whether it's PE, or are having a bad day and need a cup of tea. Most people need the company of other people and that is fine and can be a great thing.

I've had 10+ years of school runs, chatted to other parents, made a couple of friends and not personally been involved in any drama or problems.

Isn't visible at our school. There are mums that see each other more but they've known each other via nurseries etc.

My eldest is nearly out of primary school now (Y6) with younger one in Y1, and across 2 different schools in completely different areas, I have never had even a hint of school mum drama. Maybe it's because I just stay out of it. I do the school runs, I'm involved in fundraising/school fairs/various things in the village, but I have my own life. I work. I have friends outside of school. I don't rely on other parents at the school gate for my social interaction. I say hello and am pleasant and kind to everyone, but I'm not in anyone's pockets. No one has ever been anything but nice to me and my dc.

So I don't think it's universal, but I do think that some people know how to find drama everywhere they are. For many mums, and I know the ones at our school, school mum friends and conversations at the school gates are like their entire social lives. If you make it a big drama playground, it will be. But if you get on with your life and are nice enough to everyone, you'll be fine.

Some of these replies are so bloody sneery. It's fine to just walk in and out if you aren't interested in chatting, but it's the implied superiority that really gets me. 'Navigating the lululemon mummies and their yoga' and similar - while I go off to my very important job and much more interesting life.

Personally I've made some great friends at the school gates and I love being part of a supportive community of parents. It has made my life and my kids lives easier and happier over the years. There are people I click with more or less, but that's just life. You can choose to ignore it all and stay aloof, but don't pretend to yourself that it's somehow the more virtuous option!

I think it’s just luck. I definitely met a few CFs who thought it was my life’s dream to be their free childcare.
There was a mum who thought she was a queen bee and was an expert because she had 3 older children. She thought because she’d been through it before it gave her some power. She also spent a lot of time organising her child’s friendships and trying to make her popular. Child is in secondary (different to DD) apparently struggling and not many friends.
A different year group would have given me a whole load of different people though.

"The PP who quoted the series Motherland is spot on, it was based on observations."

It was also MASSIVELY exaggerated because it was a comedy. I laughed, because it was funny, but my heart sank a little because I knew some people would think of it as a documentary!

Absolutely spot on Fizbosshoes and CurlewKate my school mum friends (some sahms but others not) are very inspiring women with a wealth of education and work/life experience between them.

And it is always good and a wise move to cultivate a small group of mums with a child in the same class as yours for emergency childcare, shared lifts etc. As long as you take care to always reciprocate.

Absolutely this Libelil

School mums are just like any other group of people: at work, at the gym, in the hobby group, in your own family! Some you click with and others you don’t.

Exactly. People are people.

The cultural idea that school mums are a breed apart and that you either have to join in being bitchy and cliquey or else hold yourself apart is dripping with misogyny. The other parents are just people, same as you get anywhere- you'll probably get on with some and not others, no biggie.

Same for me! I don't understand the angst about the run-of-the-mill WhatsApp groups. I know some involve a ton of drama, which is totally different, but the humdrum ones which are just people asking whether it's PE today etc are fine. Makes me feel less disorganised!

They're also handy for those days when you're running late and can just send a message to the group asking whether someone could walk your child to the gate. Or when the car breaks down and you ask if anyone could drop your child to school. Or when there are birthday parties and you can arrange for one person to take 4 kids and someone else to bring them back, so you only need to do 1 journey instead of 4.

It's a real thing but there's no need to get involved in it if you don't want to. I talk to the ones I like and keep away from the ones I don't. And the ones I do talk to, I still keep a level of distance unless the friendship develops into something beyond the school gate. I've made maybe one real mate from the school, the rest are more acquaintances.

I been doing school run for 18 years. Have never had an issue. I'm not very social, talk to 1 or 2 mums here and there. I don't do whats app groups. Etc

Never seen it IRL. People drop their kids off and go to work. Then they pick them up again and go home. Some might know each other and chat, most just wait there playing with their phones until the kids come out and go home.

Just steer clear of anyone who is a drama llama on the class WhatsApp. There are always several.

Cultivate some sane people at the school gates.

Ignore the competitive bullshit. Some mothers are attempting to live their best lives via the kids and will attempt to include you if they think you have a resource they need. This last group is the one you really need to avoid. Usually found shouting at their kids in an encouraging ie not encouraging tone to improve.

I found a strong correlation between bullies and bullying parents. The apple does not fall far from the tree.

Sorry, haven't RTFT but I imagine others are saying the same. Daughter is into her second year of primary now and the WhatsApp group has been nothing but lovely and helpful. No drama, just a group of nice, normal people invested in their DC getting on well.

We have plenty of drama in our WhatsApp group, always from the same two accounts f three people. It did the rest of us a favour as they are generally avoided like the plague.

everyone else is brilliant- we might not be friends but there’s always an offer of a spare book day costume/red tshirt for red day/picking up your child when all the trains are cancelled and you’re in central London.

I get accused of being in a clique but we aren’t a clique. I remember how shit it was being excluded at uni and nct so I send invites to everyone, if they don’t fancy it that’s fine but at least they are invited. The main reason I’m closer to some Mums than others is because our DC are in swimming lessons together we chat in the viewing gallery and go to the playground after. We are also quite similar in our sense of humour and outlook. Should I just blank them when I see them?