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Original poster

What's the deal with all of the 'school mums' problems and playground politics?

91 replies

Mindingmyown1 · 10/09/2023 18:33

My DD starts primary school tomorrow. For years I've seen posts about problems with 'school mums' and cliques, bitchiness, people dreading the pick up and drop off, playground 'politics' if you will.

What's all that about then? Is that universal?

I'm not a very social person so I don't plan on hanging around and mingling, it just sounds a bit daunting..

OP posts:
Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 21:27

APurpleSquirrel · 10/09/2023 18:54

Erm... they're just people - people who happen to have children at the same school. Some will be friends, some won't. Some are nice, some aren't. I've made good friends with some of the other parents; some I just say pleasantries too. It's like anywhere else you meet people - work, Uni, college, clubs.

Agree with this.
There seems to be a reticence or sneery thing about "school mums" on MN when in reality its like any other scenario where you meet people - some you'll gel with, others not so much, maybe some that you'll actively dislike....

HalfMoonSpectacles · 10/09/2023 21:35

I would encourage anyone to join the WhatsApp group! On mute if need be but increasingly party invites are sent by WhatsApp and so your child may miss out if you're not on it. Of course, there's occasional moaning and chat but you don't have to get involved!

I've made some lovely mum (and occasional dad!) friends via school. Whether they last forever who knows but it's nice to chat to familiar faces rather than stand by yourself at pick up.

I think it's usually said in a sneery tone "school mum friends" as if being friendly and chatty is a bad thing. Putting women down.

Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 21:53

I'm in a minority that I found whatsapp groups useful for things like wear something yellow day/charity collections/ Xmas jumper day/end of term teacher card/collection bring a pringle tube etc or inset days I might have forgotten about but everyone else on MN is probs more organised than me

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MargaretThursday · 10/09/2023 22:04

Think about it: You arrive at a place. There are people there who you know very well and like to talk to. There are people who you don't know so well, but are probably fine to talk to.
Who are you going to choose to talk to?
The people who you know. And that's true of everyone else. That isn't making them a clique, or exclusive, not open to talking to others or glaring at anyone that comes near.

And a good number of the people probably know others from preschool/older children/other reasons. So they know them better. That doesn't mean they won't be happy to talk to you.
The people I got on best with were in dd2's year group, so my middle one.

I've had three children go through schools. Infant, junior and seniors. I don't think I'd ever say there was a clique. There were a couple of close friendship groups who tended to stick together and went on holiday together etc. But they weren't a clique.

You can choose. You can stick your headphones on, play on your phone and talk to no one.
You can go in, say "hello" to anyone near you, ask them a few mundane questions about their child and maybe you'll make friends. Or maybe you'll have a few people who will always happily talk to you at the school gate, and message each other to ask about the school trip tomorrow etc. but not really do anything outside school together. It's all fine.
Go in assuming people generally are friendly, but aren't particularly looking for a close friendship and you'll probably find that.

But if you go in expecting there to be cliques and unfriendly people then I suspect you'll find that, because that's how you will interpret people's actions.

pythongreenporsche · 10/09/2023 22:05

Lots of people want to make lifelong friends. When DD1 started primary we'd just moved to our current city after a horrible breakup with her dad. I knew nobody, was lonely and thought this was the answer to making friends. It wasn't. With DD2 I'm older and care less so I won't try and will avoid the drama!

Malarandras · 10/09/2023 22:08

I just drop my kids off at school and go on my way. No drama. I couldn’t even tell you what the other parents in my kids class look like and I’ve no interest in finding out. Everyone’s happy.

thewalrus · 10/09/2023 22:08

@mummymama81 I was keen to make friends too! I find the 'school mum' threads often have a lot of people saying they didn't need friends at school and why would they have anything in common with people just because of same-aged kids etc, and of course that's a perfectly valid way to feel, but there are also lots of people who do want to make friends and see it as a good opportunity. I was one of them because we'd moved and I didn't have many local friends at all.

I had kids in two quite different primary classes - first one, people were nice but not especially sociable; second one had some very proactive organisers and was a lovely class and there was a general feeling that we were all lucky to be part of it.

My kids are almost grown-up now. I have two close friends from the first class, and a couple of others that I see regularly as part of a social group. The second class, a group of 7-8 of us meet up regularly still.

I think if you're keen to make friends, there will definitely be other people who are too. And I agree with all the previous posters who've pointed out that school mums are just people - some will be really great, some OK, and some you'll find hard work/avoid.

Abouttimemum · 10/09/2023 22:15

Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 21:53

I'm in a minority that I found whatsapp groups useful for things like wear something yellow day/charity collections/ Xmas jumper day/end of term teacher card/collection bring a pringle tube etc or inset days I might have forgotten about but everyone else on MN is probs more organised than me

Yeah same, the WhatsApp group is essential otherwise I’d forget basically everything! The more organised mums keep me right 😂

Georgiepud · 10/09/2023 22:34

We moved to a new area just as son1 was due to start school, so I set out to form friendships with other mums. One I get on with very well, and she is always my emergency person when I need help. It costs nothing just to smile and generally be pleasant.

ClusterFukt · 10/09/2023 22:36

I’ve had 3 children one still in school, I’ve never had any problems with other parents in 16 years of schooling. It’s not a given.

Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 22:47

Abouttimemum · 10/09/2023 22:15

Yeah same, the WhatsApp group is essential otherwise I’d forget basically everything! The more organised mums keep me right 😂

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Occassionally I've known the answer to someone else's query or done a reminder that others have forgotten about so I feel like it's a mutual thing.

It's useful to at least be on semi-friendly terms with other school mums for arranging lift shares to activities, parties, after school clubs etc

Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 22:57

I think it's usually said in a sneery tone "school mum friends" as if being friendly and chatty is a bad thing. Putting women down.

There's a sort of superiority (imo) around posters who actively don't want to be friends with "school mums"....but if you're a mum with a school age child essentially you are a school mum ....so what makes everyone else so different? What are "others" (but not them) doing that creates drama or makes them people to be avoided...?

GG1986 · 10/09/2023 23:02

The problem is you can't choose who your child will make friends with! My child has made friends with someone and their mum is just not someone I would usually be "friends" with. She doesn't get my sense of humour and we parent very differently, I dread the school run as you are kind of forced to speak to them and most the time I can't be arsed.

JaneIntheBox · 10/09/2023 23:02

Fizbosshoes · 10/09/2023 22:57

I think it's usually said in a sneery tone "school mum friends" as if being friendly and chatty is a bad thing. Putting women down.

There's a sort of superiority (imo) around posters who actively don't want to be friends with "school mums"....but if you're a mum with a school age child essentially you are a school mum ....so what makes everyone else so different? What are "others" (but not them) doing that creates drama or makes them people to be avoided...?

True friendship for me involves letting my guard down. A bit (but not as much!) as at work I don't think I could ever do that with a 'school mum' as I wouldn't want our friendship colouring the kids' relationships, or their kid knowing about any of my private stuff. You'd be surprised as to how much of their parents' discussions kids 'overhear'.

Surface level friendships, doing each other little favours it's a good thing but that's it.

BelindaBears · 10/09/2023 23:07

Beezknees · 10/09/2023 21:05

Oh and I was never in any bloody whatsapp group and wouldn't have accepted if there was one.

If I had been too up myself to join the class WhatsApp group last year my DD would have missed every party invitation as they were all sent that way.

Boomchuck · 10/09/2023 23:17

I don’t think it’s universal. I quite enjoy the school run, lots of friendly and down-to-earth parents to chat to. Zero drama and we even meet up for drinks occasionally.

Honeychickpea · 10/09/2023 23:18

It's a Mumsnet thing. Everyone I know is in real life is too busy for this bullshit.

PetiteNasturtium · 10/09/2023 23:27

No problem at my DS primary school, all seemed fine I’m still friends with some of the Mums and the children are all 21/22 now.

What you have to remember is that this is an online forum and online forums often have a much higher percentage of introverts and the socially anxious, they are both very different personality types but both have issues on occasion with communication.

DynamicK · 10/09/2023 23:34

Never had this problem. Everyone seemed so friendly and it was an easy place to chat with people. I'm still friends with school mums of my sons friends and they're all at uni now.

Beezknees · 11/09/2023 06:11

BelindaBears · 10/09/2023 23:07

If I had been too up myself to join the class WhatsApp group last year my DD would have missed every party invitation as they were all sent that way.

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Not "up myself" it's just annoying pinging all the time, I'm in a family group chat and that's bad enough. I've never known party invites sent via whatsapp group, it was all via proper invitation when DS was at primary and then when they were older and had specific friendship groups we all had each other's numbers to send individual texts.

72EasyLessons · 11/09/2023 06:17

Divebar2021 · 10/09/2023 19:25

I think you’ll find that if you make friends it’s called “ friends” but if other people make friends it’s called “cliques”. And you could go the whole hog and call them “clicks” just for impact.

Yes, the ‘clicky’ thing always makes me imagine groups of Alpha Mummies dancing across the playground in formation clicking their fingers rhythmically in unison like the Jets at the beginning of West Side Story.

Tweedledeee · 11/09/2023 06:30

Weird how Motherland was such a hit with it's dreadful Queenbee and competing mothers.
Obviously some strange fantasy that never happens in real life.

WandaWonder · 11/09/2023 06:33

No idea we just did the school run and chatted to people we met along the way, went to a few events/birthday parties with some and that is about it, I just figured people have too much time on their hands if they have dramas

soberfabulous · 11/09/2023 06:39

if you work you can largely ignore all of the drama/interactions.

i drop off on my way to work so i literally walk DD in and stride out - i don't want to be late. i do have to navigate the lululemon mummies who are wafting around with coffees and discussing which yoga class they are about to had to. it's a different world that i just don't engage in and if you work you may well be the same.

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 11/09/2023 07:36

Of course you can opt out completely by just turning up at the last minute, dropping and leaving again. Like dads do 😉.

However one minor issue is that in KSI at least, there is a group of parents who will only invite a kid for a party or playdate if they know the other parent. So exchanging a few pleasantries and taking a tiny bit of interest in other people's DC is a bit of an investment IME.