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Original poster

Monstrosity of a meal

131 replies

Jumping2feet · 05/09/2023 19:19

I was going to eat prawn salad for dinner. Delicious and easy.

Then I saw the purple sprouting broccoli and mushrooms I bought last week. So I decided to cook pasta and use up the veg. In my head this would all go with pesto and a bit of chilli. It doesn't. I haven't eaten it. It's vile. Never mind the waste which I can't even think about. So now dinner is a bottle of beer. Thankfully only myself to please.

What monstrosities have others created that should never have seen the light of day?

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 05/09/2023 20:42

Barley and broccoli soup

My own recipe

Fucking rank

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2023 20:44

The ex's idea of 'cooking chilli'.

Get extra lean mince. Add to cold pan. Add cold water and chilli powder. Bring to boil over the course of two days an hour. Serve with unrinsed rice that needed to be drained in a sieve. Left one puddle of gritty mince (after he skimmed off 'the vile fat' that would give it any flavour) and chilli water, one of water that had dissolved the carbs in it.

Mind you, his Cottage Pie wasn't much better, even if it lacked the chilli powder, as that involved overboiled waxy potatoes (that also needed draining in a sieve to catch the scraps of spud that still remained - and no butter or milk, never mind gravy, peas or carrots).

It wasn't even strategic incompetence, it was how he genuinely thought chilli and cottage pie were supposed to be made.

Ilovegoldies · 05/09/2023 20:46

Corned beef stew. It should have been nice but I didn't thicken it enough and there was too much liquid. It was watery goop with lumps of corned beef in. The children bravely soldiered on (as I'd read them the riot act about complaining about food) until I called time.

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General food
Sierra26 · 05/09/2023 20:48

Rogue1001MNer · 05/09/2023 20:31

We do cocktail sausages in honey and chilli and they're yum

I once steamed some cauliflower and the pan boiled dry.
The cauliflower was both raw AND burnt, which I considered quite a feat

Show quote history

I did this with cauliflower once and it made my flat smell like something had died

Sierra26 · 05/09/2023 20:50

My friend’s ‘fish pie’ which was just mashed potato with a tin of tuna mixed through it

Sudename · 05/09/2023 20:52

Years ago when mam was in hospital having my brother my dad made dinner which consisted of a bought cooked chicken and a tin of burnt heinz cheesy spaghetti

KohlaParasaurus · 05/09/2023 20:52

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 05/09/2023 20:07

My ppor mum made a new recipe - sausages in honey - 35 years later we still take the piss!! Absolutely rank!!

When they were around 5 years old, my youngest daughter and one of her friends learned from experience that putting honey on sausages is not the same as putting maple syrup on bacon.

WeWillLookBack · 05/09/2023 20:53

My husband cannot cook. One evening, I was ill - so he stepped up. He said he would make pasta.

He made up a recipe - 'Hawaiian Pasta'. Hot pasta. Chopped Ham. Pineapple chunks. He used Pizza Express salad dressing as there was no mayo in the fridge.

It was bloody awful. Our youngest cried.

We still talk about the day Dad made 'Hawaiian Pasta"

minipie · 05/09/2023 20:53

Sierra26 · 05/09/2023 20:50

My friend’s ‘fish pie’ which was just mashed potato with a tin of tuna mixed through it

Oh that reminds me of my friend’s “cheese and courgette bake” which was literally whole courgettes with sliced cheese on top, whacked in the oven for a bit.

Cakecakecheese · 05/09/2023 20:54

We have a cooking apple tree and one year after exhausting every apple dessert recipe I found a prawn and apple curry recipe that I thought was worth a go. It wasn't.

cherrybakewell24 · 05/09/2023 20:55

TomatoSandwiches · 05/09/2023 19:33

I made a tuna pasta thing with tomato paste and marscapone cheese. It came out pink and looked like guts. It was like that soup scene in Bridget Jone's Diary.

Just snorted laughing at "it looked like guts" Grin

ohsuzannah · 05/09/2023 20:55

Vegetable curry with bananas in it 😂

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 05/09/2023 20:59

I made some kind of cheese spread thing with vinegar and ground walnuts in it. Tasted sinister. Also a pear crumble that I’d forgotten to put sugar in.

i’ve done terrible things with broccoli too.

KohlaParasaurus · 05/09/2023 21:01

My XH told me he liked tripe. Tripe wasn't something I'd ever eaten, it was what my mother used to threaten to serve up to us next time if we didn't eat our dinner so I knew it must be something to be avoided. But I bought some, and I knew from the Chalet School books that tripe ought to be stewed in milk but not for how long. The pan ended up full of milky glue and it took a long time to get rid of the smell from the house.

808KateO · 05/09/2023 21:05

First meal DH ever cooked me was (according to him) a carbonara, but the reality was pasta and bacon mixed with a tin of Campbells Condensed Cream of Chicken Soup.

DarkPsy · 05/09/2023 21:05

I made this for dds first birthday. It tasted even worse than it looked!

Monstrosity of a meal
MiraculousLadybird · 05/09/2023 21:07

Not sure what it says about me that everything on this thread (except the tripe) sounds pretty nice 😬

Allwelcone · 05/09/2023 21:07

Oh god these are great! I have done unspeakable things to ruce and am banned from cooking meat on health and safety grounds

Allwelcone · 05/09/2023 21:08

DarkPsy · 05/09/2023 21:05

I made this for dds first birthday. It tasted even worse than it looked!

Hey that looks cute!! What was in it, porridge and mince??

Runningonjammiedodgers · 05/09/2023 21:16

Ilovegoldies · 05/09/2023 20:46

Corned beef stew. It should have been nice but I didn't thicken it enough and there was too much liquid. It was watery goop with lumps of corned beef in. The children bravely soldiered on (as I'd read them the riot act about complaining about food) until I called time.

Oh the poor DCs, bless their little hearts. 😂

BabyShaark · 05/09/2023 21:22

I love pasta salad. Pasta, beans, some chicken, sesame oil, some spices. Always delicious.

One day I thought why not put some chopped, tinned tomatoes in?

It turned the dish into an abomination from Hell.

I tried to rescue the chicken and washed it, I didn’t want a chicken to have died in vain, but even after a wash it was still vile.

muddyford · 05/09/2023 21:23

I made liver and onions with rice, which was fine. But then I decided to use asparagus soup as a sauce. The flavours were too different for it to work.

Marie2023 · 05/09/2023 21:24

When I was really poor, all I had left to eat was some rice in the bottom of the bag. I cooked it and then found a half jar of curry sauce. It kind of fizzed when I opened it, but I thought I would use it anyway. But mistake. It was off and completely ruined the rice. I couldn’t eat it without risking food poisoning so I went hungry.

Things are better for me now, but I have never forgotten that.

AuraBora · 05/09/2023 21:25

AdaColeman · 05/09/2023 19:40

My Ex MIL once served a meal consisting of mince in a sludgy sauce with rice, but when she dished it up, she decided it needed something extra, so she quickly made up a packet mix of parsley sauce, and poured that over the by now lukewarm mince.
She was very impressed with it, and I believe it became her Signature Dish!

Oh my! This sounds utterly vile.. I'm slightly gagging at the thought of the mince sludge..

SlightlyJaded · 05/09/2023 21:26

I feel sick writing this as even the memory of it triggers my gag reflex...

DH thought he'd reignite memories of Mexico by doing 'his version' of Chicken Mole. He had forgotten that even the authentic version in Mexico had been pretty repulsive, but managed to outdo even that. Proper recipe involves chicken, onions, celery, spices, fresh chillies and dark chocolate. DH thought he could recreate something 'similar' by slathering chicken wings with powdery cooking chocolate and chilli powder. He then decided that it lacked substance so added kidney beans. But then there wasn't enough chocolateyness so he compensated by melting cooking chocolate all over it and adding half a tub of fucking Cocoa, but then was worried it was too sweet to added salt and more chilli powder.

He hadn't browned the chicken so the skin was white and rubbery and it was just sort of nestled in this brown gooey chocolate gunk with overcooked powdery kidney beans and far too much salt. It had the heat of chili but no flavour. It was so vile that after the second mouthful I genuinely started gagging at which point he just stood up silently and tipped the whole lot into a bin bag, sealed the bag and quietly walked it outside to the bins.

We have since cried with laughter over the Chocolate Chicken, but fuck me, I feel sick remembering it.