Has body positivity gone too far?

[EnglishRose1320]

I'm overweight and want to try and change that. Was chatting to a friend about improving my diet, and exercising more (I know I won't lose weight exercising, that's more to help with a healthy life/better mental health). She is also overweight and got really defensive, said I shouldn't do it if it made my mental health worse, we have to look after our mental health first and learn to love the bodies we have and that people like Lizzo are amazing. But are they? Surely we shouldn't judge anyone for the weight they are, but we shouldn't act like being overweight is okay either?

You dont have to listen to your overweight friends. I don't. But then staying relatively slim- not unrealistically so- makes my MH better, not worse. I love not having aching knees and feeling tired or hot in the heat wave.

I missed out a word. I meant misguided overweight friends.

Yes. And I have a lot of weight to lose.

i probably won't explain it well but here goes.
similar to drug addicts and shopaholics you try to surround yourself with like minded people and you fiercely oppose anyone "leaving the club".
women tend to put on weight when their best friends are bigger.
loosing weight and being friends with one can be a bit like hanging around an ex smoker or born again christian.

she most likely would like to be slimmer fitter etc and having had limited success doen't want you to succeed.
friends like these will end up not being your friend should you be successful so be prepared for that.
personally a health/fitness/healthy weight journey can be excellent for your mental health.

Its true that people often call me a hermit because I don't drink much or eat huge quantities of junk food any more and have lost a lot of weight.
I am in my 50s. Time to cut back.

Being overweight is one thing, beingobese is another.

I'm obese and think the body positivity trend is really damaging. It's not healthy, it's not good for our bodies, and whilst I think it's good to not hate ourselves if we're obese, we shouldn't be loving our size so much that we don't try and change.

These threads are frequent occurrences on MN. If there existed a magic spell that could make you a few stone lighter in an instant, your friend would have it. Same goes for the majority of fat people. Thin is still in.

That’s such a poor argument and pretty offensive to disabled and sick people who can’t do anything about how they look/feel.

Its a boring subject, I agree. You could just smile and nod at your friend, and do as you like.

Also, now there will be a load of slim/average people who just want to tell us all their bmi, body measurements and what they eat in a day even though no one asked

Waiting for all the competitive undereaters to wade in 🥱

Losing 5 stone is the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

I have been overweight, lost weight and I am not very slim. I am really into healthy eating and exercise, but I know my audience. I only really talk about it to my DH who zones, but makes the right noises 😁or people who want to discuss it. Find yourself some likeminded on people on MN for example. People talking health can be quite annoying and feel quite personal to many.

I meant I am very slim

Also me. People never believe you did it to be healthier either, it’s always to “look good”. I’m an attractive woman so I was cute before hand too, I don’t need the validation. But people assume you do. That’s why I don’t talk about it with others, they don’t entirely understand unless they have seen both sides of the coin.

and I also get a lot of bigger people say “how could you possibly understand” when they talk about losing weight. As if I have always looked how I do now. Agreed, its better to keep quiet in my view.

Yes that's the best advice. Subjects you should never talk about:
Diet and weight loss
Money
Cute things your kids did
Except to the right audience.

Add mental health to that list.

No I don’t think it’s gone too far. You’ll never lose weight with negative self talk and self hate. I embraced body positivity and I was able to treat myself with kindness whilst I made healthier choices. Hating myself and punishing myself actually made me fat to be honest.

Body positivity is meant to be about accepting the body you are in, not anything to do with other people. That’s why you got short shrift talking to someone else about your body aims.

I agree with this. I've lost weight much easier and more healthily since I stopped hating myself.

Yes but if you say, I want to be healthier, it is heard as, I want to look different. You may personally accept either body, as it is your own to love, but to change it is considered counterintuitive to the body positivity mantra.

I think the body positivity movement has become quite toxic if I'm honest.

I absolutely agree with the original premise of it that people shouldn't be ashamed of who they are, promoting positive mental health and not putting off life and living until and unless you are a 'perfect' weight and size.

But it's changed from that.

I was in a fb body positivity group for a few years. And the above is how it started. The group was primarily for new mums who felt uncomfortable with their post birth bodies for any reason. It didn't matter what size, weight or shape posters were if they felt insecure because they didn't match the 'beauty ideal' they were welcomed and supported. By the time I left, anyone who wasn't very overweight was unwelcome. There was an awful lot of skinny shaming on there; women telling other women the group wasn't for them because they were 'too skinny'; women accused of being trolls because body positivity wasn't for them; anyone who shared that they had lost weight or had begun eating healthily were mocked and scorned.

It ended up where the only posts that were 'allowed' were by very overweight/obese women who would regularly complain about weight related health issues where they would pat each other on the back and reassure each other that none of their health issues were related to weight, even going as far as celebrating when someone posted they felt dishearted because they'd gained weight and would actively discourage each other from making any positive changes to their lives.

I finally left the group when a woman who weighed around 17 stone said she was starting going to the gym but was worried about how other people would perceive/react to her. Rather than being encouraged and supported (as would happen on here maybe), she was rounded on and received such abuse from other posters and told she wasn't welcome in the group; that she was letting herself down; that she'd succumbed to 'the diet industry' pressures etc.

Horrible.

@SisterAgatha

It isn’t. You can embrace body positivity whilst losing weight and feeling healthier. It’s a personal thing really. There’s no rules. You’re much more likely to be successful at losing weight if you start loving yourself even whilst you’re fat. That can really piss skinny women off though.

Yes, I feel the whole body positivity thing did me a disservice in the past. I'm autistic and take things very literally, so took it as carte blanche to eat what I wanted and not care about my weight. Looking back, I think my twenties and thirties would have gone better if I wasn't a couple of stone overweight. I certainly feel happier in my skin nowadays, at a healthy weight.