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Original poster

How to tell friend I don't want her dog to come on holiday??

87 replies

Otins · 03/09/2023 21:09

I've been away on holiday for the last few years with a friend - she has a dog who has come with us. This has been basic self catering in the UK, so pretty cheap. (I've known this friend for 30 years and she has had a dog for the last 6 years. We have been away for the last 3 years but I have regularly been to stay at her house for 10+ years)

I am not a dog person, but I tolerate her dog, because I know he is very important to her. I don't actively engage with her dog unless I have to.

She has asked me to go to the Scilly Isles. I would LOVE to go to the Scilly Isles and had assumed this would be without Fido. I asked her outright, as she has been sending me links to pet friendly holiday lets, and she would take the dog with her, travelling there by train and boat.

I don't like dogs. I find them a bit stinky and I hate the hairs everywhere.
They are SO restrictive on holiday as you can't leave them on their own in the accommodation to pop out for a coffee, a meal etc. At least when I visit her home she can put him in his crate for a few hours.

I don't like the current trend for dog-friendly shops and restaurants etc. I'd much rather go somewhere without dogs.

The thought of picking up warm dog poo makes me want to vomit. I hate that my friend has bags of poo in her hand for half of our walks.

I sometimes get left 'holding the dog' if we are out and she needs to pop into a shop that doesn't welcome dogs.

I don't agree with her dog 'parenting' and the dog is often off lead when for safety I think he should be on lead....and this means I can't relax, as if anything happened to him she would be beside herself. He was knocked down a couple of years ago and he was off lead and ran after a cat, straight in front of a car, and she was devastated. Luckily the dog wasn't too badly hurt, although the car driver was very distressed.

She lets him go out of her sightline when he is off lead, so how can she know what he is doing? She lets him go up to other people when they show no interest in dogs (I HATE it when other dogs / dog owners do this to me) His recall is good, but not good enough to be off lead so much (in my not-a-dog-owner opinion....I get that dog owners may have no truck with this opinion)

She trots out the "oh, he's very friendly" line when people seem affronted that her off-lead dog has wondered up to them.

I have tolerated this for cheap UK breaks as it means I get to spend time with my friend, and she gets a holiday. But The Isles of Scilly are much more expensive and I would resent spending that much money to not be able to truly relax, and to feel like I am compromising all week.

I know that I could ask her not to take Fido, and she may do this (she has left him with family to go to Europe on holiday - when she couldn't take Fido with her)....but she will be so miserable without him, and the Isles of Scilly keep saying on their web page how dog friendly they are* so she will resent it if she goes without Fido.

*Maybe this means I shouldn't visit at all!

There's no way this is going to work, is there? I'll resent it with the dog. She will resent it without the dog. I should just tell her I can't go....but how, without telling her I don't like her dog. And what happens when I book to go on my own at some point...how do I justify that???

OP posts:
Bovrilla · 03/09/2023 21:14

She asked you to go on her holiday.

It's her holiday, not yours so either go willingly with her on her holiday she's invited you on which includes her dog.

Or don't.

But don't tell her what you want out of her holiday

TennisWithDeborah · 03/09/2023 21:18

The threads from people who no longer want to host their entire extended family plus DH’s single best mate - yet again - at Christmas are going to start popping up on Mumsnet soon. I’m reminded of them because the people who write them have kind of got stuck in a routine. The same has happened to you. I don’t know how easily you can say after six years that you never really cared for dog-friendly hols. It’s difficult.

Why not say that you’ve gone off the idea of the Scilly Isles but fancy Copenhagen or Bruges (i.e. somewhere where she can’t bring him)? Then go to the Scilly Isles when some time has passed with someone else (or with her when her dog is no longer around).

Justmuddlingalong · 03/09/2023 21:19

Just thank her for the invitation, but say that you're going to give it a miss. If she asks why tell her you find the dog restrictive so perhaps she'd be best asking someone else.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
SirChenjins · 03/09/2023 21:21

Just be honest - tell her you’re finding it a bit restrictive going on holiday with her dog and say it might be better if she finds someone else to go on holiday with. She’ll probably be a bit surprised to hear that, given you haven’t said anything up until now, but it’s better to be straight with her.

Mum2jenny · 03/09/2023 21:22

Exactly as a PP said, not your holiday choice, say no you don’t fancy it. You don’t need to blame the dog option unless you want to.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 03/09/2023 21:25

Mention a few activities you fancy doing.. Can't imagine a ddog scuba diving /zip line /insert another unfriendly ddoggy activity..

Original poster
Otins · 03/09/2023 21:26

Bovrilla · 03/09/2023 21:14

She asked you to go on her holiday.

It's her holiday, not yours so either go willingly with her on her holiday she's invited you on which includes her dog.

Or don't.

But don't tell her what you want out of her holiday

It isn't HER holiday though. All previous holidays we have worked out when/where to go together, been involved in the planning , so it has been OUR holiday. It has been a joint decision that we have both been happy with. I am sure she has made her own compromises as I made my compromised with her dog.

But you have made me see that neither of us will be totally happy with either option, so I am going to have to not go. But now I need to work out how to approach this.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 03/09/2023 21:26

Just be honest with her. But don’t go on holiday with her dog again

TheDogMama · 03/09/2023 21:26

Just thank her for the invitation, but say that you're going to give it a miss. If she asks why tell her you find the dog restrictive so perhaps she'd be best asking someone else.

This.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/09/2023 21:29

I think you can just be honest and say that the Isle of Scilly is on your bucket list and you have an idea in your head of what the holiday would be like and you’ve thought about it and realised it wouldn’t be compatible with a dog and the kind of holiday she wants there. Say on this occasion you’re going to decline the holiday as you would rather go another time with your own itinerary but that you hope you can meet somewhere else (whether her house, another UK holiday, a holiday abroad) soon. I wouldn’t go into lots of detail about liking/ not liking the dog etc or anything like that but would just focus on his because it’s on your bucket list you think it’s better to go on your own another time as it’s not a holiday you want to compromise on and you’re worried that will make it difficult with another person and a dog to accommodate.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 03/09/2023 21:29

Justmuddlingalong · 03/09/2023 21:19

Just thank her for the invitation, but say that you're going to give it a miss. If she asks why tell her you find the dog restrictive so perhaps she'd be best asking someone else.

This.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 21:32

Is really so hard for so many people to be direct and honest? MN just baffles me sometimes. Tell her nicely that you do not enjoy holidays with a dog in tow, and won't be going on any more with her if her dog is part of the deal. Job done.

Original poster
Otins · 03/09/2023 21:35

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 21:32

Is really so hard for so many people to be direct and honest? MN just baffles me sometimes. Tell her nicely that you do not enjoy holidays with a dog in tow, and won't be going on any more with her if her dog is part of the deal. Job done.

And potentially ruin a 30 year friendship???!?!

and don’t come back with “if she was any kind of friend she would understand” etc etc.

Direct and honest has its place, but when telling my friend I don’t care for the most important thing in her life, I need to tread carefully.

OP posts:
IseeNarcPeople · 03/09/2023 21:36

I've only ever seen the name "Fido" being used by people that absolutely hate dogs, it really makes me bristle. It's said with so much hatred.
You hate dogs so don't go. I would imagine your friend wouldn't want you to if she knew. Maybe it's time to tell her.

Original poster
Otins · 03/09/2023 21:40

IseeNarcPeople · 03/09/2023 21:36

I've only ever seen the name "Fido" being used by people that absolutely hate dogs, it really makes me bristle. It's said with so much hatred.
You hate dogs so don't go. I would imagine your friend wouldn't want you to if she knew. Maybe it's time to tell her.

I had just seen it on here in a previous post to anonymise a dog, and decided to use it. It certainly isn't a barometer to my dislike of dogs.

OP posts:
Paq · 03/09/2023 21:53

The thing is, the Isles of Scilly is the most dog friendly place ever!! There's hardly anything you can't do there with a dog in tow. You picked the wrong holiday to put your foot down 😁

Original poster
Otins · 03/09/2023 22:00

Paq · 03/09/2023 21:53

The thing is, the Isles of Scilly is the most dog friendly place ever!! There's hardly anything you can't do there with a dog in tow. You picked the wrong holiday to put your foot down 😁

(even a large dog? Fido is a big dog. He can't sit under a table in a cafe. He takes up the whole aisle and people have to step over him)

Yes, I am starting to realise that . It also mean she will never go without Fido.

Maybe I should cross it off my bucket list.

OP posts:
DrMarshaFieldstone · 03/09/2023 22:01

What I don’t understand, and what your friend won’t understand, is why you have tolerated the dog for so long and only now decided that he is a deal-breaker - and why dog-friendly Scilly is the destination that has made you put your foot down.

Sorry OP but there is no compromise here. You want different things out of the holiday.

hollysmumma · 03/09/2023 22:11

Oh ffs just tell her you don't like dogs!

Ineedasitdown · 03/09/2023 22:13

Are there any compromises to be had?
you want to go to Isles of Scilly, which is dog friendly (apparently) friend wants you to go with her. Presumably you won’t have to share a bed with”ddog” as that’s friends job. Would having it on a lead lessen your anxiety and is that a conversation you could have with your friend?

ThreeRingCircus · 03/09/2023 22:14

I think you need to be honest with her.

I'd just say that the Isles of Scilly is a bucket list holiday for you but you're not the biggest fan of dogs (although you fill appreciate she loves hers) and have found holidaying with a dog quite restrictive in the past so will have to decline this time.

She may be surprised if you haven't said anything before now but at least she will know.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 03/09/2023 22:14

Otins · 03/09/2023 21:35

And potentially ruin a 30 year friendship???!?!

and don’t come back with “if she was any kind of friend she would understand” etc etc.

Direct and honest has its place, but when telling my friend I don’t care for the most important thing in her life, I need to tread carefully.

Show quote history

How about,
I need to be very honest and I don't want to hurt your feelings, which is why I've never brought this up before... the truth is, that I just cannot relax with your dog on holiday with us.
I know how much you love him and our friendship means so much to me, so I have to be truthful with you. Is there anyway you'd consider boarding ddog for this trip to Scilly?

PumpkinBum3 · 03/09/2023 22:22

I wouldn’t want to go with a dog either, they’re boring and restrictive.

Can you ask if she could leave the dog out this time? Or wouldn’t that go down well even if asked gently?

CornishTiger · 03/09/2023 22:28

Hi Friend.
I would love to go to the IOS. However if you are planning on bringing “name of dog” I’m going to give it a miss. I don’t find it a relaxing holiday with him. I thought it best to be honest and upfront. Let me know whether you want to go on holiday just the two of us.

RhymesWithTangerine · 03/09/2023 22:31

I disagree with the previous posters. Do not tell her you don’t like her dog. There is nothing to be gained from it. I can’t understand why everyone is recommending it.

If you say you don’t like holidaying with her dog it will leave a retrospective bad taste over your previous holiday. It may also open up a ‘well, I never liked your bad breath/inability to get up before 9/stay awake after9/whatever’ truth telling, that will do neither of you any good. Like you say, she will have made her compromises.

The destination doesn’t matter. You’ve decided that these UK holidays aren’t for you. So don’t go. Suggest somewhere international that requires a flight.