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Original poster

How to tell friend I don't want her dog to come on holiday??

87 replies

Otins · 03/09/2023 21:09

I've been away on holiday for the last few years with a friend - she has a dog who has come with us. This has been basic self catering in the UK, so pretty cheap. (I've known this friend for 30 years and she has had a dog for the last 6 years. We have been away for the last 3 years but I have regularly been to stay at her house for 10+ years)

I am not a dog person, but I tolerate her dog, because I know he is very important to her. I don't actively engage with her dog unless I have to.

She has asked me to go to the Scilly Isles. I would LOVE to go to the Scilly Isles and had assumed this would be without Fido. I asked her outright, as she has been sending me links to pet friendly holiday lets, and she would take the dog with her, travelling there by train and boat.

I don't like dogs. I find them a bit stinky and I hate the hairs everywhere.
They are SO restrictive on holiday as you can't leave them on their own in the accommodation to pop out for a coffee, a meal etc. At least when I visit her home she can put him in his crate for a few hours.

I don't like the current trend for dog-friendly shops and restaurants etc. I'd much rather go somewhere without dogs.

The thought of picking up warm dog poo makes me want to vomit. I hate that my friend has bags of poo in her hand for half of our walks.

I sometimes get left 'holding the dog' if we are out and she needs to pop into a shop that doesn't welcome dogs.

I don't agree with her dog 'parenting' and the dog is often off lead when for safety I think he should be on lead....and this means I can't relax, as if anything happened to him she would be beside herself. He was knocked down a couple of years ago and he was off lead and ran after a cat, straight in front of a car, and she was devastated. Luckily the dog wasn't too badly hurt, although the car driver was very distressed.

She lets him go out of her sightline when he is off lead, so how can she know what he is doing? She lets him go up to other people when they show no interest in dogs (I HATE it when other dogs / dog owners do this to me) His recall is good, but not good enough to be off lead so much (in my not-a-dog-owner opinion....I get that dog owners may have no truck with this opinion)

She trots out the "oh, he's very friendly" line when people seem affronted that her off-lead dog has wondered up to them.

I have tolerated this for cheap UK breaks as it means I get to spend time with my friend, and she gets a holiday. But The Isles of Scilly are much more expensive and I would resent spending that much money to not be able to truly relax, and to feel like I am compromising all week.

I know that I could ask her not to take Fido, and she may do this (she has left him with family to go to Europe on holiday - when she couldn't take Fido with her)....but she will be so miserable without him, and the Isles of Scilly keep saying on their web page how dog friendly they are* so she will resent it if she goes without Fido.

*Maybe this means I shouldn't visit at all!

There's no way this is going to work, is there? I'll resent it with the dog. She will resent it without the dog. I should just tell her I can't go....but how, without telling her I don't like her dog. And what happens when I book to go on my own at some point...how do I justify that???

OP posts:
CassiniG · 04/09/2023 00:28

It's no different from a childless person going on holiday with someone who has a toddler in tow.

Just be honest.

I love spending time with you friend and I know how much you love Rover but it's not a relaxing holiday dow me having the dog coming along.

sandyhappypeople · 04/09/2023 00:37

Trust me when I say this, your friend will absolutely know that you're not a dog person, non dog people just cannot hide it and to a dog person it's easy to spot from a mile away, she probably tolerates that side of you as much as you tolerate fido, but while you seem to both enjoy holidays together it's just the unsaid thing you both seem okay with.

The only thing you could do, is look into non dog friendly activities that you may both be interested in (paddle boarding, kayaking, boat trips, museums, castles, nature reserves, nice restaurants) and tell her all about them and ask her to consider going fido-free so you can enjoy everything the place has to offer, you'd need to have a plan in place for whichever way that conversation goes though, so if she says no, you'd have to decide at that point whether to call it off or be happy to go with fido in tow.

Anewnamea · 04/09/2023 00:40

Most people would understand if their kids weren’t invited to certain holidays or event ! I invite my friends to events & trips sometimes it’s a girly catch up but sometimes it’s kids invited /welcome. if parent can understand a dog owner should bloody well understand.

If she does take offence over you not wanting to holiday with Fido you’re well rid.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
Crazyducklady · 04/09/2023 00:52

Say you really want to fly by helicopter and stay on Tresco. The dog crate on the heli is only suitable for a medium sized dog unless special circumstances can be accommodated (it’s something like 75cmx50cmx55cm) and dogs have to remain on lead at all times there. It’s a very posh island 🤣

sezzer87 · 04/09/2023 08:23

Just be honest. She'll either decide you're not the friend to holiday with or she'll be open to leaving the dog behind. But there's no point on you keep paying for a holiday that you don't fully enjoy. I'm sure if she's a good enough friend she'll respect your wishes.

Original poster
Otins · 04/09/2023 10:38

FortofPud · 03/09/2023 22:48

"Wow yes the scilly isles look great for taking fido, i can see why you want to visit! That said, as a location it's much more expensive than the previous places we've gone with the dog. I think from my point of view, I'd not want to spend that much money on a dog-centered trip as it means foregoing quite a few of the things I'd want to do on a more £££ holiday such as fancy meals out and being able to really swich off. Not sure what the solution is but i wont be offended if you want to go alone!"

This is definitely the angle I will use to decline ...which also gives me the option to go another time without my friend and her dog . I just know she wouldn't consider going without him, as it is such a dog friendly place.

It is a different type of holiday. Given the cost and the journey time for me (12 hrs approx) , it is the equivalent of a holiday abroad where I only go once, and so therefore do as much as I can while there, and get more bang for my buck. This will include boat trips and wildlife walks etc - which I'm sure her dog couldn't do)

Many thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Flickersy · 04/09/2023 11:02

Otins · 04/09/2023 10:38

This is definitely the angle I will use to decline ...which also gives me the option to go another time without my friend and her dog . I just know she wouldn't consider going without him, as it is such a dog friendly place.

It is a different type of holiday. Given the cost and the journey time for me (12 hrs approx) , it is the equivalent of a holiday abroad where I only go once, and so therefore do as much as I can while there, and get more bang for my buck. This will include boat trips and wildlife walks etc - which I'm sure her dog couldn't do)

Many thanks everyone.

Show quote history

Dogs are welcome on the boats (both ferrying from island to island and on wildlife watching trips) but not on the RIBs. Several of the SMBA boats have their own boat dogs!

They are also welcome on leads on a lot of wildlife walks.

DarkForces · 04/09/2023 11:10

Why would you cross it off your bucket list? Let her know it's a holiday of a lifetime and you'd find the dog restrictive so will plan a separate trip one day.

Original poster
Otins · 04/09/2023 11:21

@Flickersy Blimey! There was a wildlife and birdwatching walk I saw on a website. If my friend's dog went on it he'd bark at any birds and scare them off, so I thought it would be no dogs. I'd be really pissed off if I went on a wildlife walk and saw no wildlife as barking dogs had made everything disappear.

I'll need to do some more research into non dog friendly things to do on the island.

OP posts:
Katmai · 04/09/2023 13:51

Ineedasitdown · 03/09/2023 23:38

Thanks for mansplaining .
op said she felt anxious when dog was off lead. It wasn’t used in the context of a diagnosis. You can climb down from the high horse, we don’t need our language policing to suit you.

Show quote history

Mansplaining? How wrong you are. I am merely the relative of someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder and it irritates me when the word is used in what I believe to be the wrong context.

Ineedasitdown · 04/09/2023 14:19

Katmai · 04/09/2023 13:51

Mansplaining? How wrong you are. I am merely the relative of someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder and it irritates me when the word is used in what I believe to be the wrong context.

Show quote history

Well you are merely wrong imo. This was conversational not a diagnosis. Ever thought of getting help for that irritability?

Flickersy · 04/09/2023 14:46

Katmai · 04/09/2023 13:51

Mansplaining? How wrong you are. I am merely the relative of someone with a diagnosed anxiety disorder and it irritates me when the word is used in what I believe to be the wrong context.

Show quote history

As someone with an a diagnosed anxiety disorder and OCD, I confirm you don't need an anxiety disorder diagnosis to be anxious.

Anxiety is a normal and healthy emotion until it gets out of control.

user1477391263 · 04/09/2023 15:25

"I don't actually like your dog" is right up there with "Actually, you eat a lot more than you think and that's why you are overweight" and things like that. No matter how true it is, there is just no way this is not going to cause some major bad feeling in a friendship if you actually say it out loud.

You could maybe try "I'll be honest, there are some things I'm hoping to do in the IoS that might be really hard to combine with a dog. Is there any way we could make it a dog-free holiday this time? If not, I think I may give it a miss, as money is tight these days and it might be better for me to save my money for another occasion." That's about as far as I'd go.

Or, just find an excuse and say you can't go.

WarmButteryCrumpets · 04/09/2023 15:31

I think you need to find someone elae to go to Scilly with, and maybe do a less-important to-you trip with her and the dog some other time. Although if you've already agreed tothis trip it might be awkward to back out of now?

Also, when you say the dog ran off and got hit by a car -did she have him off lead in the street?!

DinnaeFashYersel · 04/09/2023 15:45

Just be honest / nicely and politely.

UsingChangeofName · 04/09/2023 15:56

"I don't actually like your dog" is right up there with "Actually, you eat a lot more than you think and that's why you are overweight" and things like that. No matter how true it is, there is just no way this is not going to cause some major bad feeling in a friendship if you actually say it out loud.

Of course it isn't.
As a couple of pps have said, it is closer to saying that you don't want to go on a holiday with your friend and their dc. It just changes the dynamic. /nothing to do with whether the OP liked the dc or not, it just isn't the holiday she wants.
It has nothing to do with a personal comment about weight.

As has also already been said, it is probably clear to OP's friend that OP wouldn't choose to have a dog herself, and isn't especially keen, but, despite that the OP has tolerated her friend changing the dynamic of their holidays for the last few years, so if the friend with a dog can't understand the concept of taking turns, or of compromising, then it certainly isn't the OP who would be upsetting the friendship.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/09/2023 16:01

OP there’s really not much there that dogs can’t do, so you’re going to find it very hard to argue that you can’t do everything you want there with her dog. We have been there with our dog and literally everything is dog friendly, he came with us into all pubs, cafes, shops, boat trip, wildlife tour walk we want on, it’s one of the most dog friendly places I think we’ve ever been. I don’t understand why you can’t switch off due to the dog when the dog isn’t your responsibility? If you were my friend I’d rather you just tell me straight but I would find it odd you’d never mentioned it before

Boredombeckons · 04/09/2023 16:17

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/09/2023 21:29

I think you can just be honest and say that the Isle of Scilly is on your bucket list and you have an idea in your head of what the holiday would be like and you’ve thought about it and realised it wouldn’t be compatible with a dog and the kind of holiday she wants there. Say on this occasion you’re going to decline the holiday as you would rather go another time with your own itinerary but that you hope you can meet somewhere else (whether her house, another UK holiday, a holiday abroad) soon. I wouldn’t go into lots of detail about liking/ not liking the dog etc or anything like that but would just focus on his because it’s on your bucket list you think it’s better to go on your own another time as it’s not a holiday you want to compromise on and you’re worried that will make it difficult with another person and a dog to accommodate.

Great advice.

Plus, unlike what some PP advised, don't say you found holidaying with her dog restrictive in the past. It'll ruin your happy shared memories together. Just focus on this holiday, the distance and cost and your grand vision for it. Don't start talking about how you never really liked her dog or holidaying with her dog etc

rookiemere · 04/09/2023 16:22

Is it possible to go with the dog but you go alone for the dog unfriendly activities?
It seems such a shame to lose out on the opportunity to visit somewhere you've always wanted to go to, but as a reluctant dog owner it's huge expensive pain to get holiday cover and you do feel guilty if you go somewhere dog friendly without them.

tattygrl · 04/09/2023 16:32

FortofPud · 03/09/2023 22:48

"Wow yes the scilly isles look great for taking fido, i can see why you want to visit! That said, as a location it's much more expensive than the previous places we've gone with the dog. I think from my point of view, I'd not want to spend that much money on a dog-centered trip as it means foregoing quite a few of the things I'd want to do on a more £££ holiday such as fancy meals out and being able to really swich off. Not sure what the solution is but i wont be offended if you want to go alone!"

I think this is a great approach!

enchantedsquirrelwood · 04/09/2023 16:55

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 21:32

Is really so hard for so many people to be direct and honest? MN just baffles me sometimes. Tell her nicely that you do not enjoy holidays with a dog in tow, and won't be going on any more with her if her dog is part of the deal. Job done.

Yes, because people get incredibly offended!

My boss had a party for our team recently (at his house) and I know he has at least one dog. I didn't go for that reason, but I couldn't possibly say that, so I had to lie and say I was at my mum's for the weekend.

I agree it's better to say you've changed your mind about the destination and choose a city break where flying is the most practical option and she can't bring Fido. Don't choose Paris as I think you can take a dog on Eurostar.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 04/09/2023 16:58

Anewnamea · 04/09/2023 00:40

Most people would understand if their kids weren’t invited to certain holidays or event ! I invite my friends to events & trips sometimes it’s a girly catch up but sometimes it’s kids invited /welcome. if parent can understand a dog owner should bloody well understand.

If she does take offence over you not wanting to holiday with Fido you’re well rid.

There have been lots of threads on here over the years where parents have insisted on brining their kids along for things that were meant to be adults-only; or brought their husbands when it was meant to be a girlie night out.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2023 17:01

SirChenjins · 03/09/2023 21:21

Just be honest - tell her you’re finding it a bit restrictive going on holiday with her dog and say it might be better if she finds someone else to go on holiday with. She’ll probably be a bit surprised to hear that, given you haven’t said anything up until now, but it’s better to be straight with her.

This. But having said that I think you should be prepared tosay in what ways its restrictive and ask if she'd consider going with out it. You may find that she really values her holidays with you and would regret giving them up. Its only a week after all isn't it?

After all, if you wanted a dog as much as she does, you'd have one. But you don't

As you said, you are probably both making compromises. You don't mind visiting her with the dog.

Also I don't think if you make alternative plans, having been honest, that you have to justify it to her. Just be honest again.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/09/2023 17:02

tattygrl · 04/09/2023 16:32

I think this is a great approach!

Show quote history

Having just read this. I also think its a good approach. Its honest but spelling out the restrictions in a tactful way.

Gh12345 · 04/09/2023 17:20

You sound like fun 😂