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Original poster

How to tell friend I don't want her dog to come on holiday??

87 replies

Otins · 03/09/2023 21:09

I've been away on holiday for the last few years with a friend - she has a dog who has come with us. This has been basic self catering in the UK, so pretty cheap. (I've known this friend for 30 years and she has had a dog for the last 6 years. We have been away for the last 3 years but I have regularly been to stay at her house for 10+ years)

I am not a dog person, but I tolerate her dog, because I know he is very important to her. I don't actively engage with her dog unless I have to.

She has asked me to go to the Scilly Isles. I would LOVE to go to the Scilly Isles and had assumed this would be without Fido. I asked her outright, as she has been sending me links to pet friendly holiday lets, and she would take the dog with her, travelling there by train and boat.

I don't like dogs. I find them a bit stinky and I hate the hairs everywhere.
They are SO restrictive on holiday as you can't leave them on their own in the accommodation to pop out for a coffee, a meal etc. At least when I visit her home she can put him in his crate for a few hours.

I don't like the current trend for dog-friendly shops and restaurants etc. I'd much rather go somewhere without dogs.

The thought of picking up warm dog poo makes me want to vomit. I hate that my friend has bags of poo in her hand for half of our walks.

I sometimes get left 'holding the dog' if we are out and she needs to pop into a shop that doesn't welcome dogs.

I don't agree with her dog 'parenting' and the dog is often off lead when for safety I think he should be on lead....and this means I can't relax, as if anything happened to him she would be beside herself. He was knocked down a couple of years ago and he was off lead and ran after a cat, straight in front of a car, and she was devastated. Luckily the dog wasn't too badly hurt, although the car driver was very distressed.

She lets him go out of her sightline when he is off lead, so how can she know what he is doing? She lets him go up to other people when they show no interest in dogs (I HATE it when other dogs / dog owners do this to me) His recall is good, but not good enough to be off lead so much (in my not-a-dog-owner opinion....I get that dog owners may have no truck with this opinion)

She trots out the "oh, he's very friendly" line when people seem affronted that her off-lead dog has wondered up to them.

I have tolerated this for cheap UK breaks as it means I get to spend time with my friend, and she gets a holiday. But The Isles of Scilly are much more expensive and I would resent spending that much money to not be able to truly relax, and to feel like I am compromising all week.

I know that I could ask her not to take Fido, and she may do this (she has left him with family to go to Europe on holiday - when she couldn't take Fido with her)....but she will be so miserable without him, and the Isles of Scilly keep saying on their web page how dog friendly they are* so she will resent it if she goes without Fido.

*Maybe this means I shouldn't visit at all!

There's no way this is going to work, is there? I'll resent it with the dog. She will resent it without the dog. I should just tell her I can't go....but how, without telling her I don't like her dog. And what happens when I book to go on my own at some point...how do I justify that???

OP posts:
Paq · 03/09/2023 22:32

If you are going in the height of the summer then yes, a big dog would get in the way. But outside of the school summer hols it would be quite comfortable. We went for several years with our mutt and he loved it.

But you don't like dogs so it's completely understandable that you don't want to spend your holidays with one.

momonpurpose · 03/09/2023 22:33

No way in hell would I go on this trip. I say this as a dog owner too!

Maddy70 · 03/09/2023 22:38

She's asked you to go on her holiday with her and her dog.

You cam simply say no

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dogs
Geta · 03/09/2023 22:39

You could try saying that it's been fun having Fido along on holidays in the past, but would she consider making this one dog free? Maybe mention that it would give a bit more freedom and flexibility. The way I look at it is that you've gone with her wishes many times, so it would be reasonable for her to listen to yours just once.

Ghosttofu99 · 03/09/2023 22:46

Bovrilla · 03/09/2023 21:14

She asked you to go on her holiday.

It's her holiday, not yours so either go willingly with her on her holiday she's invited you on which includes her dog.

Or don't.

But don't tell her what you want out of her holiday

If someone invites you on ‘their’ holiday surely it becomes a joint holiday unless they are entirely paying for it or it is some parent/child scenario. As two adults, if the friend wants her friend to holiday with her then they have equal rights over the situation or she shouldn’t have asked somebody else on ‘her holiday’ at all.

But I suspect a lot of the negative responses will be from the ‘why can you understand that my dog is more important than any other human or animal despite my lack of dog handling skills’ brigade.

RhymesWithTangerine · 03/09/2023 22:46

The way I look at it is that you've gone with her wishes many times, so it would be reasonable for her to listen to yours just once

But you don’t want your friend not to enjoy her holiday? For her, the destination is dog-friendly so she’ll want her dog. That’s fine. She goes with her dog and you do something else.

RandomUsernameHere · 03/09/2023 22:47

I totally wouldn't want to go either! You could just say you want to stay in dog free accommodation, don't make it specifically about her dog.

FortofPud · 03/09/2023 22:48

"Wow yes the scilly isles look great for taking fido, i can see why you want to visit! That said, as a location it's much more expensive than the previous places we've gone with the dog. I think from my point of view, I'd not want to spend that much money on a dog-centered trip as it means foregoing quite a few of the things I'd want to do on a more £££ holiday such as fancy meals out and being able to really swich off. Not sure what the solution is but i wont be offended if you want to go alone!"

Flickersy · 03/09/2023 22:55

The IoS is probably one of the least dog-restrictive holidays you can have. Almost everything (apart from a small handful of restaurants and the Co-op) is dog friendly. There's only one inhabited island where dogs must be on leads at all times.

If you're going to put your foot down about a dog being there, this is not the hill to die on. Now if it were a city break in Venice you'd have more of an argument.

That said, if it's not for you just decline. You don't need to rubbish her dog, just say you're not sure what you want to do for holidays next year so thank you for the offer but you'll have to decline this time around.

echt · 03/09/2023 22:59

Dog owner here. I think it's better to come clean, say no, and that while you've been on doggy holidays with her in the past, you don't like it any more.

Katmai · 03/09/2023 23:06

Ineedasitdown · 03/09/2023 22:13

Are there any compromises to be had?
you want to go to Isles of Scilly, which is dog friendly (apparently) friend wants you to go with her. Presumably you won’t have to share a bed with”ddog” as that’s friends job. Would having it on a lead lessen your anxiety and is that a conversation you could have with your friend?

Anxiety? The OP isn't suffering from anxiety. She just doesn't want to go on holiday with someone else's dog. Neither would I. The OP simply wants to find an acceptable way of telling her friend without damaging their long friendship.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 03/09/2023 23:06

Absolutely agree with @RhymesWithTangerine

Staggered so many posters have friends that are so resilient and not bothered to find out their previous lovely holidays with their best friend (human and doggy) were actually not enjoyable for the other person.

I agree the dog sounds annoying and I wouldn't like it either but I can see your friendship being cooled down to be honest if you fess up to not liking the dog. And certainly no more holidays with or without dog!

Redavocadoes · 03/09/2023 23:07

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/09/2023 21:29

I think you can just be honest and say that the Isle of Scilly is on your bucket list and you have an idea in your head of what the holiday would be like and you’ve thought about it and realised it wouldn’t be compatible with a dog and the kind of holiday she wants there. Say on this occasion you’re going to decline the holiday as you would rather go another time with your own itinerary but that you hope you can meet somewhere else (whether her house, another UK holiday, a holiday abroad) soon. I wouldn’t go into lots of detail about liking/ not liking the dog etc or anything like that but would just focus on his because it’s on your bucket list you think it’s better to go on your own another time as it’s not a holiday you want to compromise on and you’re worried that will make it difficult with another person and a dog to accommodate.

This would be a good response

I do empathise, I am also not keen on dogs, I mean I like some dogs, but I don't want every aspect of my life or a day out or a holiday to have to centre around the dog experience and dog poo picking walks.

Flickersy · 03/09/2023 23:08

Katmai · 03/09/2023 23:06

Anxiety? The OP isn't suffering from anxiety. She just doesn't want to go on holiday with someone else's dog. Neither would I. The OP simply wants to find an acceptable way of telling her friend without damaging their long friendship.

Show quote history

OP says she can't relax when it's off lead.

One can be anxious about something without having an anxiety disorder.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 03/09/2023 23:10

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 21:32

Is really so hard for so many people to be direct and honest? MN just baffles me sometimes. Tell her nicely that you do not enjoy holidays with a dog in tow, and won't be going on any more with her if her dog is part of the deal. Job done.

I don't think it is as easy as that because for some doggy people the dog is "family", so to say you don't want to spend time with her dog is like a personal insult.

Assuming you want to keep the friendship I think it's better to sugar coat it and don't let friend know you really can't be arsed to work your life around her dog.

Haugh · 03/09/2023 23:24

Haven’t read through all the posts, sorry. Perhaps this has previously been suggested. Say you’re developing an allergy to dogs!

UsingChangeofName · 03/09/2023 23:26

ThreeRingCircus · 03/09/2023 22:14

I think you need to be honest with her.

I'd just say that the Isles of Scilly is a bucket list holiday for you but you're not the biggest fan of dogs (although you fill appreciate she loves hers) and have found holidaying with a dog quite restrictive in the past so will have to decline this time.

She may be surprised if you haven't said anything before now but at least she will know.

This.

In a 30 yr friendship, one person shouldn't have to be doing all the 'compromising' or 'biting their tongue'.

As SirChenJins said earlier in the thread, you can just decline, and only mention the dog if she pushes, or you can let her know how you feel now, and that will be her decision if she wants to go on holidays together and put the dog in kennels (or other doggy care) or if she is willing to sacrifice having a long standing friend to go on holiday with, so she can be with her dog 24/7.

You can do that nicely (as per suggestions) without being rude or offensive. Surely you have found over 30 year that you can have different opinions about things or different preferences, and still remain friends ?

Katmai · 03/09/2023 23:33

Flickersy · 03/09/2023 23:08

OP says she can't relax when it's off lead.

One can be anxious about something without having an anxiety disorder.

Show quote history

Not being able to relax is not being anxious. Tense, stressed, irritated, worried it might run off, yes, but that doesn't mean she's anxious. Anxiety is generalised, worry is specific.

The word 'anxious' is dramatically over-used these days.

Ineedasitdown · 03/09/2023 23:38

Katmai · 03/09/2023 23:33

Not being able to relax is not being anxious. Tense, stressed, irritated, worried it might run off, yes, but that doesn't mean she's anxious. Anxiety is generalised, worry is specific.

The word 'anxious' is dramatically over-used these days.

Show quote history

Thanks for mansplaining .
op said she felt anxious when dog was off lead. It wasn’t used in the context of a diagnosis. You can climb down from the high horse, we don’t need our language policing to suit you.

LuluBlakey1 · 03/09/2023 23:41

If I was her, I'd prefer to go on holiday with just the dog.

TenOhSeven · 03/09/2023 23:42

OP, I am like you and I have a friend who is like your friend. I went on one holiday with her and her dog. One. Since then, I've only ever suggested joint holidays abroad, somewhere we need to fly to so Rover has to stay at home. I would rather not go on holiday at all than have to go with a dog.

ladeluge · 03/09/2023 23:43

I think someone needs to ask the dog.

UsingChangeofName · 03/09/2023 23:47

I've only ever seen the name "Fido" being used by people that absolutely hate dogs, it really makes me bristle. It's said with so much hatred.

This has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've seen on here in a long time.
'Fido' is just a stereotypical dog's name, like Rover is. Talk about making up your own interpretation of what a poster is saying.

RedHelenB · 03/09/2023 23:47

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2023 21:32

Is really so hard for so many people to be direct and honest? MN just baffles me sometimes. Tell her nicely that you do not enjoy holidays with a dog in tow, and won't be going on any more with her if her dog is part of the deal. Job done.

This.

MajesticWhine · 04/09/2023 00:24

I love my dogs but I also enjoy a holiday without them. I think that you can have an open and honest conversation and say that it could be more relaxing and more of a break without the dog and would they consider getting a dog sitter (or other arrangement). I don't think it will be a awkward as you think. Hopefully your friendship is not that fragile.