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Original poster

Visitors who never leave - how to handle?

100 replies

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:03

Hi everyone.

I have a strange first worlds problem issue.
Our issue is, when people come to visit, or pop in for tea. They don’t leave. They stay for hours. This pretty much applies to most house guests, both friends and family.

Don’t get me wrong, we love having guests and we like to host, but when it’s hitting into dinner time and us and DC are hungry. How do we get people out. They really settle in. Our house is cosy, tidy and welcoming.

Very often people “are not staying long” then when I have no choice but to start dinner they’d at no no we don’t want anything, but are still there when we dish up. The we end up with half cause we have to share it out. But they said not to put anything on for them. I don’t usually have much extra to cook anyways, I buy exact.

Or if we have friends over for dinner in the evening, we need to kick them out at 1 or 2am because we’ve DC to get up with.

why don’t people leave? Or am I being unreasonable and maybe staying for 3 hours in the middle of a Sunday, well into dinner time is ok?

If it’s dinner, it’s planned in advance. But it’s it tea they get tea cake and biscuits. But legit sit around waiting for more.

Its really grating on me and put me off inviting certain people over. I don’t think to fair to expect a meal, when you weren’t invited for one. Go home!!!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 17:07

Say what I did last week. 'Can you fuck off please, I want to go to bed'.

It worked and they still like me!

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 03/09/2023 17:08

Just say, … “I’d best get on to preparing the dinner for the kids. We all have an early start tomorrow, and you’ll want to head off before the traffic gets too bad. It’s been so nice having you. “

Original poster

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:08

But what about the, arrival at 12 and still there after 3pm on a Sunday brigade?

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 03/09/2023 17:10

Well I'm going to put dinner on at 6pm as we are having a roast so I would say. Oy you lot hop it I need to get dinner on.

Andywarholswig · 03/09/2023 17:12

I just tell them. ‘It’s been so lovely, but it’s time for you to go now as I am tired/going out/starting dinner/going to wash the dog, shall I grab the kids for you/get your coat etc.’ i have got quite direct now and it works for me

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/09/2023 17:13

"Right, I suppose you'll need to be making tracks around now, we've got a busy afternoon/evening cleaning and tidying ready for tomorrow but it's been lovely to see you."

Original poster

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:14

Or maybe I need to just put a blanket ban on last minute dinner/lunches for people. If it’s not planned or they have not specifically been invited for anything other than a cuppa, I don’t do the polite thing and offer hoping they say no. They don’t most of the time. There is such a CF element.
I just crack on and dish up for my family.

OP posts:

harerunner · 03/09/2023 17:14

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:08

But what about the, arrival at 12 and still there after 3pm on a Sunday brigade?

I sympathise and try to be aware myself, and would never encroach into dinner time. A couple of weeks back I went round to a friend's for a coffee at 2 (pre-arranged) and left around 4, as I knew she was due to other friends for dinner that evening. That seems reasonable to me.

However, I'm not sure what the issue with 3pm is. That's as far from typical meal times as possible! And when I have people over for lunch (presuming they did in your example as arrived at midday), they typically stay past 3pm, though are generally gone by 4pm.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/09/2023 17:16

"Would you like me to get your coat or are you coming upstairs to clean the bathroom with me?" (said with a grin of course)

Also stop feeding people who are still here when you serve dinner. In fact politely manage them out of the door before you start cooking with "I'm about to start dinner but I'll see you to the door first" then stand up, and corral them to the coats/front door and sweetly but firmly tell them it was lovely to see them and you'll have to do it again soon.

Original poster

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:16

Young kids (ours and theirs) who didn’t get their naps and were starting to complain about being hungry. We didn’t have the makings to feed 5 more mouths.

OP posts:

LollipopChaos · 03/09/2023 17:17

I think you have to blame the clock as to why they need to leave. If invited say would you like to come at 1pm and stay up to 3pm. If unexpected say it's lovely to have you and we are going out at 4pm. Give a time delay!

harerunner · 03/09/2023 17:17

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:14

Some people just can't take a hint. Luckily I'm not friends with anyone like this. If their social skills were that poor that they did this, I don't imagine they'd remain friends for long!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/09/2023 17:18

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:14

Yes. Please stop offering in the hope they'll say no. Offer when you would like people to say yes. You can't really complain people are CF's if you're offering something and they've accepted. You can definitely complain if you've said you're about to make dinner and would they like their coat and they've still overstayed their welcome though.

Mixu · 03/09/2023 17:20

We have this problem with the in-laws. A visit to see the kids you’d think would be an hour or two on a Sunday afternoon but they’ll still be there after 5 hours. It’s not a one off either, it’s every single time they come, to the point I dread them even coming now 😩 They did it after we had our first baby and I was so sore and uncomfortable, I ended up crying when they left because they just would not go! It’s like they don’t consider it at all rude to just sit on someone’s sofa for an excessively long time, especially when you’re not there for anything and you’re not offering to do anything.

We’ve tried everything. I schedule someone else to come just after them so that they turn up at the door. If I was in someone’s house and this happened I’d immediately start making my exit but the last time we did it my friends arrived and they didn’t even stand up. My friends were stood in our living room awkwardly. My husband now makes up somewhere he’s going or something he’s got to do straight after and just stands up and says he’s going. It still doesn’t make them take the hint though.

I make a point of always making a move to leave after about an hour if I’m just visiting someone because I’m so scared anyone ever thinks I’m that person overstaying my welcome!

DPotter · 03/09/2023 17:21

You have to be absolutely clear.

Hints don't work for some people.

Say something like this
You "Thanks for coming over. Time to go. Did you bring your coat ?"

Them "Can we have another cup of tea ?"
You "Sorry - We've got stuff to do so time to go"

Them "Did I tell you about Mrs F next door?"
You "Save it for next week. I really do have to get on"

Don't whatever you do offer anyone cup of tea. And if it's dinner time, don't serve them anything. You have let people know, by your actions, that you will feed them. So stop feeding them.

When inviting someone over, you tell them what time to arrive AND what time to go, so it's not a surprise. If they argue at this stage, you can wind it right back at them, "If you want to stay longer, we'll have to arrange another time, as we have other stuff to do".

What's important to remember - they are not worried about upsetting your feelings, so don't worry about upsetting theirs.

LookItsMeAgain · 03/09/2023 17:22

For the Sunday/Lunchtime/Dinner time visiting, you're going to have to be brave and just come out with "I'm about to start cooking our dinner now. Unfortunately we don't have enough to include you in the pot, so I'd recommend that you start heading now. If you're interested, X restaurant is lovely but can get very busy later on. You might enjoy their early bird menu." (Start gathering their belongings together and guide them towards the front door). "It was lovely seeing you today. Perhaps give us a call before you travel to see us as you were lucky catching us in. We're usually out and about of a Sunday/lunchtime/dinner time...byeeeee!"

By suggesting that they call before they visit again, you're killing two birds - one, you can decide if you're up for a visit and two, you can decide if the visiting is done in your home or if you might want to meet up outside somewhere.

Iliketulips · 03/09/2023 17:23

If it's eating into mealtimes, I'd go and start cooking and lay the table for your immediate family. Give guests 10 mins notice it's nearly your teatime and call your family to table when it's ready. Leave guests to sort themselves out and don't engage in conversation with them while you're eating. I guess after that you'll be busy washing up, bath/bedtime for DC - again don't engage too much.

If we have guests around in the evening, DC is honest when he's tired and says he needs to go to bed.

Original poster

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:25

I mean they nearly always say, oh look at the time, it flew!!!! We better go! Then don’t. 🙄🙄🙄

Maybe no second cup offer (todays guests asked for it!, meanwhile my DS is sleeping on the sofa at 5pm cause of lack of sleep grrrrrr bring your hungry children home you mean parents there’s no cake left!)

And ya dinner is 4 so just let them know we’re free till about half 3 type things.

No last minute offers of food.

water top ups of anything.

OP posts:

OMGitsnotgood · 03/09/2023 17:26

I'm usually a really honest person but this is where white lies come into play: 'you're welcome to call round but we need to leave at 4:30 for another commitment' At 4 tell them you need to get ready and bring their coats. Cowards way out I guess but one I've used with some particularly hard to get rid off guests

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/09/2023 17:27

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:08

But what about the, arrival at 12 and still there after 3pm on a Sunday brigade?

3hrs isn't that long in my friendship group, if we see people at midday for lunch, we would normally each head off about 5ish, its an afternoon type thing

LollipopChaos · 03/09/2023 17:28

I've also been on the flip coin of this too... We were invited to someone's house for main meal at 2pm.. It was an almost 200 mile trip. We had the meal and thought it would be rude to leave straight afterwards and we'd travelled miles so stayed 2-3 hours afterwards and they kept bringing food out and hospitable. Left the house and went home.

A couple of days later I received a message from host about how rude we'd been staying so long after the dinner and how embarrassing it was they kept having to bring snacks out!

I was really surprised, yet thought it would have been rude to depart straight after dinner, yet this was their expectation. We ended up not speaking for years afterwards.

So I think sometimes it's very difficult to judge these situations correctly.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 03/09/2023 17:28

I think staying three hours is fine and pretty standard for lunch. If you need them to go before three just tell them!

Cheerfulcharlie · 03/09/2023 17:28

Just say in a bright tone: 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to kick you out in about half an hour as I've got to get on with tea / chores/ getting the kids sorted'
Then in half an hour if they are still there follow it up with. 'Well it's been so lovely to see you but I'm going to have to kick you out now! - Have you got your phone / coat / keys /whatever they might forget?'

Original poster

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:29

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 03/09/2023 17:27

3hrs isn't that long in my friendship group, if we see people at midday for lunch, we would normally each head off about 5ish, its an afternoon type thing

Show quote history

They were a young family of 5 and our DC still nap and wouldn’t go down while they were still there. (I won’t mention how long it took to tidy up after they left as they opened every box and every cube and emptied them
out on the floor and walked away)

OP posts:

Original poster

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:30

And live a 10 minute drive away (this is just todays situation)

OP posts:

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