Visitors who never leave - how to handle?

[Changedmymind99]

Hi everyone.

I have a strange first worlds problem issue.
Our issue is, when people come to visit, or pop in for tea. They don’t leave. They stay for hours. This pretty much applies to most house guests, both friends and family.

Don’t get me wrong, we love having guests and we like to host, but when it’s hitting into dinner time and us and DC are hungry. How do we get people out. They really settle in. Our house is cosy, tidy and welcoming.

Very often people “are not staying long” then when I have no choice but to start dinner they’d at no no we don’t want anything, but are still there when we dish up. The we end up with half cause we have to share it out. But they said not to put anything on for them. I don’t usually have much extra to cook anyways, I buy exact.

Or if we have friends over for dinner in the evening, we need to kick them out at 1 or 2am because we’ve DC to get up with.

why don’t people leave? Or am I being unreasonable and maybe staying for 3 hours in the middle of a Sunday, well into dinner time is ok?

If it’s dinner, it’s planned in advance. But it’s it tea they get tea cake and biscuits. But legit sit around waiting for more.

Its really grating on me and put me off inviting certain people over. I don’t think to fair to expect a meal, when you weren’t invited for one. Go home!!!

No tips from me. It’s very tricky. I recently had a friend house sit for us for two weeks while we went on holiday. After we got back she stayed on ‘for a bit’ and it was lovely to catch up properly with her. But she stayed for six whole weeks in the end, and I was really glad to get the house back by that point! She’d done us a massive favour by house sitting, so I didn’t feel I could turf her out.

I just tell people to leave if I have to, DH does too. They always do go without a fuss when we do!

I used to have a whole script down pat.

Oh my god is that the time! Oh sugar, I have so much to do today! OMG I have shitloads to do! Where did the time go? It's been brilliant seeing you and where did the time go but oh wow I have so much to do, here, I'll get your coat and thanks again for popping by ... I'll need to catch up with all my work now ha ha!

These days I'm more of a 'don't answer the door' kind of person, empowered by CCTV and a lifetime of bitter memories of other people's uninspiring views on Where This Country Has Gone Wrong.

Us and our friends all have young families, its just how we have always done it. If the kids miss their naps we don't worry 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just get up and get their coats/ make a move for the door etc and say ‘right I’d better crack on, lovely to see you - bye!’

Well it's been lovely to see you, got to get on now. Fancy meeting up again soon...

It's been wonderful, sorry, don't mean to be rude but I've got ... to do now

I just lie, oh sorry you’ll have to get off now as we’re going to x for dinner. Sophie’s got gymnastics at 4 so I’m taking her there and we’re going to the park next door while she’s at class. I’ve got a doctors appointment at 3.30 so we’ll have to get off. Meeting a friend for dinner. Etc. Just have plans and make like you’re getting your coats on and heading for the car so they leave

I usually go with either "would you like another cup of tea before you go, or are you heading off now?" or "I need to be out the door at 3pm, are you leaving with me or do you want to head out ahead of me?"

Slap your thighs and cheerily say 'Right!' I thought that was code for 'end of occasion' 🤭

In all honesty if I felt like you about it I wouldn't have guests for a cup of tea/coffee as it is clearly not something you enjoy. We go to my MIL's for coffee but she is direct and blunt and will tell us to leave as she has radio programmes she wants to listen to or a book she needs to finish. Fine by us, my DH is the same though and will say to his Mum she ha to go now. I age sympathy as my Dad feels you are abandoning hon if you at least don't spend 24hrs with him. I do like his company but he will often visit Friday to Monday and bring his work laptop.

Good for you and your friends.
Im not ok when someone out stays their welcome and it impacts our day in multiple ways. I’m also not ok when children are complaining of being hungry. I can only offer snacks or toast. 5 extra mouths is not exactly reasonable to whip up a dinner. Equally parents shouldn’t leave their children hungry.

Why don't you just tell them to leave though? I agree with you, so we just tell people to leave when needed. Never had any problems and the same people still visit frequently and generally stay until they're kicked out again hah.

But how do they know they are overstaying if you don't say anything? You can't get mad at people for not being able to read your mind

As pp's have said, aet a time limit from the start to set everyones expectations. Its not difficult

My friend will just tell you to go. I've started to copy her tbh because it works.

Housesitting doesn't entitle you to stay on for an extra month! 😧

When they’ve come from 12-3 on a Sunday, have you given them lunch?

Or is that your “cup of tea” time and then you eat at 4?

Because if the latter then the problem might well be that they think they’re invited for lunch and are waiting to be fed…

(12-3 would cover lunch for me, we eat dinner sometime between 6 and 8)

The following phrase is very adaptable...
"Well I hate to break things up but ....
a) tomorrow is a school day
b) the kids will be feral if I don't start the bath/bed routine
etc..

Failing that, I had an alcoholic relative who used to turn up without warning if they were staying nearby, drink us dry, and carry on and on. They were frequently argumentative and unpleasant.

The final straw was when they did this on my return from giving birth and ignored every polite hint... Even our usually half-joking "Fuck Off Coffee" routine didn't make a dent.

Around midnight I went ahead and booked a taxi and was able to say pleasantly
"Your Taxi is here." They didn't even realise they hadn't booked one!

But it was nice of their BF to announce to the street "DSP is a witch"

After scenes like that, I gave up worrying about whether it was rude to ask people to leave, or waiting for them to take the hint. They are not worrying about whether they are being rude to you are they?

I’d just go with a friendly but assertive, “right, sorry I’m going to have to crack on now, got a mountain of stuff to do - great catching up,” and get their coats.

My in laws used to do this. I have learned over the years to get DH to say in advance please come from X time to X time as we have Y thing to do after X time. If they know then they don't stay or at least we can encourage them to leave at X time with far fewer problems.

I’m a vicar’s wife and I know all about the overstaying guests on a Sunday lunch!

Once it gets to about 4pm, I stop paying attention to the guests, start packing kids lunches for the next day, meal prepping and busying myself around the house. Most (90%) of people take the hint and leave.

For those that don’t leave, I wait half and hour, then I do what PPs have said, something breezy like ‘well, it’s been great having you. Let me get your coats. Do you have a busy week ahead?’ etc. There have been several occasions when people still haven’t left, but it’s either been due to a large cultural difference (very multicultural church) or someone with some kind of issue who wants my DH‘s attention. In that case, I leave it up to him and I sort out the DC. Thankfully it doesn’t happen much.

Whatever you do, don’t start dinner until they’ve left. The moment they get a whiff that there is more food coming, you’ll never get rid of them. Sunday dinner for our family is always something really quick, like an omelet or I reheat some soup and toast etc.

Im really bad with boundaries, so this has taken a lot of work to achieve.

I am too polite to say it outright, certain people I can, but the ones on my mind right how, I won’t.

However, this post has help me formulate new approaches to handle it.

Set a time end as we have X to do bride arrival.
No last minute offers of a meal.
If it’s late just to say sorry guys I’m falling asleep time to go.
If they still don’t go, excuse us while we get ready to (insert situation)
when it comes to DC, sorry we need to get them down for a nap and they won’t go while you’re here, but let’s do this again soon.

I like having guests, a lot. I just like them to leave at some point and expecting a meal last minute.

I also don't think 3 hours is unusually long - it's about what I'd expect if someone came at 12. If you're finding this happens a lot then I I think it may be your expectations that are out of step. The easiest thing would be to arrange to meet people not at your house as then you're in control of what time to leave, and don't have to chuck them out if they're not done.

It also wouldn't occur to me ever to make someone leave so my child can nap, so I wouldn't necessarily realise that that was what someone else expected. I'd expect them just to go put them down and then come back.

just Tell them you’re going out. All leave the house together then say goodbye (I do normally find a reason to go out!)

Todays situation involved lots of kids. A nap was impossible there was too much fun to he had.

if it was just adults visiting I would get DC down no problem.

Today was just the trigger to post. Yesterday I had extra dinner for in-laws last minute. Which was meant to be todays dinner for us, but that was all eaten, which means today we weren’t prepared.

last week, I had to share my dinner on Saturday cause they didn’t want it but stayed and watched me dish it out and said go on a small bit. This was a pop on for a quick cuppa visit that lasted 3-4 hours. Only adults on this occasion.

I just need to be firmer. Bottom line.