Visitors who never leave - how to handle?

[Changedmymind99]

Hi everyone.

I have a strange first worlds problem issue.
Our issue is, when people come to visit, or pop in for tea. They don’t leave. They stay for hours. This pretty much applies to most house guests, both friends and family.

Don’t get me wrong, we love having guests and we like to host, but when it’s hitting into dinner time and us and DC are hungry. How do we get people out. They really settle in. Our house is cosy, tidy and welcoming.

Very often people “are not staying long” then when I have no choice but to start dinner they’d at no no we don’t want anything, but are still there when we dish up. The we end up with half cause we have to share it out. But they said not to put anything on for them. I don’t usually have much extra to cook anyways, I buy exact.

Or if we have friends over for dinner in the evening, we need to kick them out at 1 or 2am because we’ve DC to get up with.

why don’t people leave? Or am I being unreasonable and maybe staying for 3 hours in the middle of a Sunday, well into dinner time is ok?

If it’s dinner, it’s planned in advance. But it’s it tea they get tea cake and biscuits. But legit sit around waiting for more.

Its really grating on me and put me off inviting certain people over. I don’t think to fair to expect a meal, when you weren’t invited for one. Go home!!!

Always have a job or something to do when you need them gone. And inform them apologetically when they arrive.

" I'm going to have to get to bed at 10pm tonight, the kids are not sleeping through."

"We'll have to say goodbye at 3pm. We need to pop to the garden centre for some bits."

Then begin to wind up 15-20 minutes before that.

I have a family member like this.

I arrange to meet at neutral territory such as a national trust place which has a closing time and your car is at risk of getting locked in the car park. Or a restaurant where the waiter will plonk your bill on the table with a pointed look.

Just meet them in the park,kids can run around and you're not stuck trying to get them to go home.

One tip I got from my friend with good boundaries: don't have to give reasons, as people can dismiss them, eg Host: 'Must get on with the laundry' Overstayer 'no problem I'll read the paper/watch TV till you have put a load on/hung it out/ I'll keep you company while you iron'
Host: 'Must get ready for next guest/ kids/handyman' Overstayer 'That's okay I'll stay till they come' (this is a problem when the 'next visitor' is a fiction to get rid of overstayer!)
And so on! Don't give reasons/excuses, just say it's time to go!
(if they insist on knowing why say you are sick of the sight of them.....joke)

I used to be the same, allowed people to just stay for hours, wondering when they'd leave. Now I carry on with my routine/activities. When I'm cooking dinner I say, "right we're having our dinner at x, so I'll get your coats. Lovely to see you. " I call the kids over to say goodbye, and they leave!

I read a hilarious thread on Facebook the other day about this.

Apparently in some other countries people slap their legs and say "so" and everyone knows that's their cue to leave.

The best answer I saw was to say "would you like one more drink before you go", then they'll either go or have a drink and leave.

You could just tell them you'll have to be getting dinner on and you're so sorry but you can't offer them anything you don't have much in.

Having a scheduled zoom call with a long distance relative as an excuse is good.

'Sorry I'm going to have to kick you out now as aunty Flo in Canada is waiting for my call'

Even better if you tell them the time they'll have to leave when you invite them (or they invite themselves).

Also when they say, oh we must be getting off, stand up and say 'oh yes I hadn't noticed the time fly, lovely to see you' whilst you help them gather up their things.

I must admit we’ve now stopped inviting BIL and SIL round at all. They’ve always outstayed their welcome, but last time they were here for 8 hours.

After hour 5, DD and I made our escape saying we needed to pop to the shops for some milk. Left and went for a drive for an hour, thinking DH would get rid of them by the time we got back. Nope still in the bloody lounge.

Thing is they had a tired grouchy toddler with them that needed his bed and they had an hour’s drive home. They just sat ignoring the toddler, until I said I was going to bed, then they finally left. After that we decided never again. Fortunately DH and BIL aren’t that close, so now we meet up occasionally at pubs/restaurants and that puts a natural time limit on it.

You must host really well. Even to the ones only popping round for a cuppa (and not leaving)
You're obviously good company as well

Sorry no advice it sounds frustrating
I'm not the best host or very good company so people tend to only just pop in at my house

You know, there's absolutely nothing wrong in saying I'm sorry, I can't feed five extra people!

I had a friend once who came on a May afternoon for a visit.
In August, my husband screamed, ”GET OUT!!!”

These days I meet people out for coffee except close friends and family. I’ve been caught a lot by the ‘stayers’. I think it’s just different mindsets and I don’t like being blunt. So meeting out somewhere, I can just leave at the right time.

It's very annoying with guests overstaying their welcome!
I agree with previous posters, you have to speak up and be firm. But it's easier said than done!

My DD has a friend who does this. Says she's just visiting for 'an hour or two' and ends up staying 6 or 7 hours! A couple of years ago,she arrived at 2pm and was still there at 10pm! Lately,my DD has taken to telling her that she has somewhere she needs to go (parents evening etc) and has to get ready to go at x o'clock. This seems to be the only way her friend will take the hint and leave after a reasonable amount of time.

You'd love me, I don't stay longer than 15 minutes. I run on Cranston time, any longer is unspeakably rude.

Also, try repeating "I would offer you some dinner but I don't have enough to go round as I hadn't planned for guests".

“Look, we literally don’t have enough in to stretch to feed everyone. My kids are getting hungry and it’s all going to kick off when I only feed them. If you want your kids fed, you’d better order some Uber eats or something.”

You can't think much of your friends if you think they will be offended if you ask them to leave.

If I need to chuck people out then I say something along the lines of 'Sorry, I'm going to have to chuck you out now as I've got loads to do'. (I'd usually give a warning beforehand so it's not a last minute thing) . After telling them I need to chuck them out I stand up and go to the door.

I think it's daft 'hinting' that it's time to leave or trying to make them feel unwanted. If they are actual nice friends then be honest with them and tell them they need to go.

Presumably they would be mortified if they knew you dislike them overstaying.

Ah - there's your answer - no second round of tea/coffee. If they are thirsty only offer water at that stage.

They'll toddle off home if they realise that there isn't a second round of tea/coffee being offered.

I think it’s just the type some people are Very relaxed and laid back and happy to be served. They see it as a break for themselves and if not in a rush anywhere are happy to chill.
I don’t see it as malice or anything negative whatsoever.
I am a good host, I put thought into my visits and always make sure I have what ever the thing is (cake etc) in and always a good one! So people do just get cosy. It has happened us for years.

I’m probably (definitely)more uptight and prefer to have a beginning, middle and most importantly, an end to a visit.

There are much more extreme cases on here. I would explode if I was you guys. It would go beyond the polite time to go, slap on the hip.

Honestly this has given me a huge amount of perspective. I will have actual boundaries on peoples visits from now on. End times, no last minute dinner offers, water after the tea, clean up start chores, give them a job 😂
Thanks mumsnet.

3h? You're getting off lightly. My ILs seem to think 6h is a normal Sunday visit length, and my husband agrees, so visits to theirs last fecking hours AND we have to drive back after.

I think it will be even worse once they retire.

For balance, my parents are a bit annoying in the other direction, and after having driven three hours to visit will aim to scoot off after about 90m - which is too short really, given the effort on both sides for visits to happen.

@Changedmymind99

I mean they nearly always say, oh look at the time, it flew!!!! We better go! Then don’t.

This is for you to manage. At this point say "it's been lovely to see you but I need to kick you out now (and yes I've done this) as we need to get on and we have things to sort out for tomorrow. Did you need to use the loo whilst I get your coat?"

Offer to book them a cab if needed - they pay! Followed by "have a good trip home" as you wave them off your path.

Once they've safely left leave it a day and WhatsApp/text them (not phone) that it was great to see them but it would be better for them than check a few days if you're available as you often have commitments already arranged and you wouldn't want them to have a wasted journey.

With some people you do need to be very clear indeed and stick to your guns or they'll just keep doing what they want to. 🌹

This is where I'm so grateful for my partner, he will literally ask "are you ok to make a a move now?" With absolutely no issue, while I would just suffer in silence🤣

I used to have a feeling of dread when you offer them another cuppa preying they will say no and piss off and they end up saying yes please. 😂😫

Im much more blunt now I just stand up say it’s been lovely having you but I need to (insert dc excuse). Will be great seeing you again soon.

Some look a bit put out but it works everytime.