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Original poster

Visitors who never leave - how to handle?

100 replies

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:03

Hi everyone.

I have a strange first worlds problem issue.
Our issue is, when people come to visit, or pop in for tea. They don’t leave. They stay for hours. This pretty much applies to most house guests, both friends and family.

Don’t get me wrong, we love having guests and we like to host, but when it’s hitting into dinner time and us and DC are hungry. How do we get people out. They really settle in. Our house is cosy, tidy and welcoming.

Very often people “are not staying long” then when I have no choice but to start dinner they’d at no no we don’t want anything, but are still there when we dish up. The we end up with half cause we have to share it out. But they said not to put anything on for them. I don’t usually have much extra to cook anyways, I buy exact.

Or if we have friends over for dinner in the evening, we need to kick them out at 1 or 2am because we’ve DC to get up with.

why don’t people leave? Or am I being unreasonable and maybe staying for 3 hours in the middle of a Sunday, well into dinner time is ok?

If it’s dinner, it’s planned in advance. But it’s it tea they get tea cake and biscuits. But legit sit around waiting for more.

Its really grating on me and put me off inviting certain people over. I don’t think to fair to expect a meal, when you weren’t invited for one. Go home!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 18:01

To the over stayers… go home and cook your own dinners!

OP posts:
greengreengrass25 · 03/09/2023 18:02

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:25

I mean they nearly always say, oh look at the time, it flew!!!! We better go! Then don’t. 🙄🙄🙄

Maybe no second cup offer (todays guests asked for it!, meanwhile my DS is sleeping on the sofa at 5pm cause of lack of sleep grrrrrr bring your hungry children home you mean parents there’s no cake left!)

And ya dinner is 4 so just let them know we’re free till about half 3 type things.

No last minute offers of food.

water top ups of anything.

Do they ever invite you over OP?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/09/2023 18:02

Body language is important. When you’re telling them you have get on/go somehete whatever ti get rid of them make sure you’re standing & do not sit down. The vast majority of ppl will stand as well & once that happens, start walking towards the door. Again the vast majority of ppl will follow

the ones that don’t have rhino hides so you’ll just have to be direct!

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 18:05

Yes and we don’t overstay our welcome. If it’s tea/play date we stay for 1-2 hours.

for a meal it’s planned and we take dessert with us.

the main thing is; we leave. We don’t hang around waiting for more food or more tea or snacks. We also respect our children’s routine and make sure they are not hungry or over tired. We plan accordingly, and do not expect anything more as we know the worlds does not revolve around us and have no doubt the people are are visiting have stuff to do.

OP posts:
Goshdarnitgoofy · 03/09/2023 18:07

What do you do when they just stay during dinner (even though you’ve not made them anything) and wait for you to finish in the living room?

Scousemousey · 03/09/2023 18:11

You are being way too polite!
Stand up and say as above "it's been nice to see you etc" then stay standing and look towards the door. Maybe yawn and stretch. Let that pause build until they get moving!

DavinaTheDreadful · 03/09/2023 18:13

Did the 12-3 o'clock guests have lunch with you? And they then also wanted dinner with you a few hours later? That's clearly quite cheeky, unless you specifically ask them to stay (which you didn't).

If they didn't have lunch with you it might be that they thought you'd asked them for a meal and were waiting for it, but then why decline when you start cooking?

With good friends we used to just put our dcs down as normal. If they were older then a skipped nap wasn't a massive deal and we would usually host good friends for a full afternoon and into the evening and enjoy it. But for mild acquaintances I'd not want them staying all that time

CeriB82 · 03/09/2023 18:14

Tilt the blinds, lock the door and pretend you’re out!

aint a problem then😂

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 18:15

No they were just calling in to see new change in our house and let the kids play fora while.
We had tea, cake and biscuits when they arrived. Then a second round of tea about 2 hours in.

OP posts:
DavinaTheDreadful · 03/09/2023 18:18

Maybe also change the time you invite them so it's not to close to a meal time them as well as the other ideas you got on here.

I usually do play dates at about 10 or about 2.

They sound quite strange just eating a bit of cake and not then going home for lunch! I'm sure they were starving.

Honeyandwine · 03/09/2023 18:19

We have the same issue and now I just carry on as normal, don't offer dinner and start bedtime routine.

HappyMeal564 · 03/09/2023 18:22

I'm laughing at the suggestions of gathering up people's belongings and taking them to the door. I wish I was that brave 😂

coxesorangepippin · 03/09/2023 18:23

But what about the, arrival at 12 and still there after 3pm on a Sunday brigade

^^

If I invited people for 12 I'd fully expect them to still be there at 3pm

Should have gone by 5

coxesorangepippin · 03/09/2023 18:25

Re. Lots of kids.

That makes it even worse for people to leave IMHO.

I have a friend with 3 kids - she was at our house from 10am-3pm.

I never invited them again!!!!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 03/09/2023 18:28

But surely if you invite someone over at 12.00pm on a Sunday, they'll expect Sunday lunch at some point, not tea and cake? Or have I misunderstood what happened here?

Original poster
Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 18:31

They said they would visit, we see them often. They live nearby. Technically they invited themselves. (Which is fine!) this isn’t a one off thing. We socialise in local pubs together.

we haven’t ever gone for dinner or lunch in each others houses, just tea and chats.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 03/09/2023 18:38

FGS it's not polite not telling them it's time to go, it's bloody wet!

There is nothing rude in saying lovely to see you but lots to do, must crack on (while standing).
If they don't start making moves just repeat I've got to get on, I need you to toddle off now.

If that doesn't work then you must get cross - they are taking the piss and they bloody well know they are!!!

pinkyredrose · 03/09/2023 18:42

VenusClapTrap · 03/09/2023 17:31

No tips from me. It’s very tricky. I recently had a friend house sit for us for two weeks while we went on holiday. After we got back she stayed on ‘for a bit’ and it was lovely to catch up properly with her. But she stayed for six whole weeks in the end, and I was really glad to get the house back by that point! She’d done us a massive favour by house sitting, so I didn’t feel I could turf her out.

6 weeks!? 😮Holy Fuck!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/09/2023 18:50

Changedmymind99 · 03/09/2023 17:50

I am too polite to say it outright, certain people I can, but the ones on my mind right how, I won’t.

However, this post has help me formulate new approaches to handle it.

Set a time end as we have X to do bride arrival.
No last minute offers of a meal.
If it’s late just to say sorry guys I’m falling asleep time to go.
If they still don’t go, excuse us while we get ready to (insert situation)
when it comes to DC, sorry we need to get them down for a nap and they won’t go while you’re here, but let’s do this again soon.

I like having guests, a lot. I just like them to leave at some point and expecting a meal last minute.

This sounds perfect.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 03/09/2023 19:08

Honestly I just say 'right, well if you wouldn't mind making tracks as I've got to get dinner out for the kids and have to get all the laundry done for tomorrow'.

If they don't leave just ask if they need anything before they head off.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/09/2023 19:44

But if they’re saying “look at the time, it’s flown, time to go” they’re giving you the social cue to say “Goodness, I didn’t notice either” as you stand up and grab coats and shoes and bellow, “Kids? The Fotherington-Thomases are going home
now, come and say goodbye.” Bustle to hallway gathering possessions and children, opening the door, prompting the exit. It sounds like instead they’re giving you the cue and you’re offering more tea or saying “Oh, well, we’re having dinner…”

Clymene · 03/09/2023 19:56

I just say 'it's been lovely having you but I'm going to have to kick you out now as I've got to get on'

Don't mention food.

Houseplantmad · 03/09/2023 20:02

I’ve just turfed out 5 friends who were invited for lunch at 1 but have just left, 7 hours later. They’ve drunk their way through 12 bottles of wine (arrived with one each!) and eaten our dinner for tonight, as we got peckish around 5. I enjoyed their company but we can’t afford this sort of cost on a regular basis. Never again will I host them. I had to tell them to F off nicely to get them to go.

bluejumping · 03/09/2023 20:05

Just say

Really sorry but I'm going to have to kick you all out soon as I have to supervise homework/finish a project/visit my mum/feed the neighbours cat

Pudmyboy · 03/09/2023 20:18

I have a very sociable friend who has lots of visitors and who has no problems with people overstaying as she is very clear with boundaries: if she can't see people who turn up unexpectedly she says as much, (with a 'sorry, it's just not possible right now' if they get pushy); if she can see them but not for long she will say 'lovely to see you, I have an hour to spare so we can have a cuppa' then at the end of the hour say something like 'Right! Must get on, lovely to see you, let me get your coat,' or if pre arranged visit will say eg 'yes I have time this afternoon' and once it's past afternoon will say ' well that was lovely must do it again sometime let me know when you are free' and so on.
Whilst there, everyone feels welcome, and I like it as I know that when I am there I am wanted, and I have no chance of overstaying my welcome.
(I have made it sound like she bundles people out of the door: she doesn't!)