Child (age 12) scared to go upstairs alone at bedtime

[Feelingempty84]

what would you do/think if this was your child?

Child is 12 and is an only child. For the last year, mum and DP have had major battles with her about going upstairs to bed. She says she’s too scared to go up alone and that someone might have broken in they might be upstairs and will harm her. Mum thinks she just doesn’t want to miss out on being downstairs with adults. They are taking hard line that she needs to go upstairs on her own but she spends up to an hour sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying before she will eventually go upstairs and go to bed.

Apart from bedtime, she’s a great kid-does well at school although struggles with friendships. She can get a bit obsessed with people and things, and can have an overactive imagination! She doesn’t seem a very happy child though :-(

to avoid back story-father absent since she was 3. Mum’s DP been in her life since age 4. DC seems to get on well with DP. Mum works long hours Mon-Fri and is often tired/exhausted in the evening.

I'm not sure about the hard line. I would just go up with her and reassure her it's ok? They do go through funny phases. Has she watched something unsuitable that's frightened her?

Has she watched anything worrying?

does she have access to a phone?

who is putting her to bed or going upstairs? Doesn’t matter how long DP has been in her life. I’m not saying there is abuse, and it can happen in and out of the home - but an open dialogue saying she will be believed etc

is door open and light on?

does she have a pet that can curl up on her bed to help soothe her?

relaxing music or even a two way monitor?

12 is a nice age - audio book or family reading together before bed?

I would also regardless of how exhausted always soothe my child, that way child knows her mum has got her back. Periods, hormones etc all going on. Ps what time is she being ‘sent to bed’ I would suggest a proper structure and some quality time with mum!!

I wouldn't go upstairs alone at the same age. There were a lot of spooky tv programmes at that time which didn't help. I used to ask my DSis to go up with me. Even just to the toilet. I grew out of it. I live in a rural house now and often sleep here alone. I would indulge DD and hope she grows out of it. Being that scared is not nice.

It’s clearly a genuine fear and taking a hardline approach isn’t working. Why can’t one of the adults sit in their own bedroom and read a book for half an hour?

She could have a lock put on her door? One that could be broken open in an emergency but can't be opened without noise. E.g. anyone wanting to sneak in her room at night couldn't do so. That may make her feel safer. She sounds like she needs support & a talk though.

I would go up with her and look in sll the rooms to put her mind at rest. Every night if I had to. I would assume she'd seen something on the telly or been scared by a story a classmate had told etc.

No phone. Don’t think she’s watched anything worrying. Parents do watch the news quite a lot in the evening so maybe she’s seen something on that. Asked to go upstairs at 9:30pm ish.

My son is 14 & doesnt like to go up alone. Really important not to be cruel. You need to help build their resilience.

DS is only 5 but I can't imagine not going up with him to settle him down at least till whenever he'll still allow me to do that.

Why would you not take her up? draw curtains, check for whatever is worrying her, tuck her in. Pop an audio book on and tell her you'll be back in 5 mins to check or whatever.

Makes my heart hurt a bit for her, 12 is a tricky age.

I was like this at that age for months after watching a scary film in a friends house - my mother would bring me upstairs and check the wardrobe and under the bed for me. Took about 5 minutes but I needed the reassurance.

You say she's not a very happy child - well would you be happy if you knew you'd have to face something that scared you every night, and that you'd be left to cry alone for an hour by yourself every night?

My dd12 still wants me to come and see her go bed.have a chat and a cuddle. I think you're being quite mean.

I’d say that this sounds less about being scared and more an attachment issue as mum has been thinking about herself far more than her child.
Jumping into a new relationship mere months after the last finished instead of focusing on her child whose father has abandoned her? Coming home ‘stressed and exhausted’ and probably showing it rather than digging deep and spending time bonding with child?

My dd13 was like this and still is to a point. You know what we did? We went up with her or sent her sister. It has taken literally years but she is slowly building up resilience. Recently she stayed home alone for a few hours which is a huge deal.

There is no hard line on this. You cannot respond to a fear with authority. I say this because I've tried it and seen the genuine panic attack or distress. My dd is otherwise a beautiful, kind, caring child. She just has zero self confidence and is afraid of things. We don't 'pander' by making a big song and dance but if she asks us to remove a spider/wasp/bug then we do. If she needs company going to bed we do cos she goes to sleep very quickly.

One day, she'll be gone from our home and we will miss her gorgeous soul. In the meantime our job is to nurture her and help her build confidence to overcome her fears. Making her sit at the bottom of the stairs crying in fear sure as shit won't help.

Ask her what would help. Nightlights, chats before before bed, music? Do a full check with her round the house before bed?
I would be trying to make her relax and trying ways you can resolve the issue over 'stop being silly and get to bed'
No matter how old, sometimes it's nice to have your mum tuck you into bed and stroke your head.

Either way, it's a phase that will pass.

I'd wonder why the mum doesn't just pop up with her for bed. It's hardly a major ask, and it seems a bit heartless when it would only take a second to reassure her.

Honestly I find it sad and quite shocking that they leave a 12 Yr old child frightened and crying rather than take her up and reassure her. She's a pre-teen, about to enter a very difficult, hormonal stage of her life with lots of new circumstances to navigate and the message she is being sent is that her mum hasn't got her back. The adults who are meant to love and protect her are not there for her when she needs them. Poor girl 💔

I think you’re being very mean. My 12 year old doesn’t go up on his own. I go up and lie on his bed and chat to him about his day. I read a chapter of a book to him if there is time. It’s so important. He’d never want to go up alone!!

Can you maybe just take your Phone up or a book with you upstairs and wait on the landing until she's asleep? maybe leave her door open? My 4 yo would not sleep with his door shut as she feels safer with her door wide open. And we've sometimes had to read a book
On the landing until she fell asleep

I think mum should go up with her for now. I used to be terrified to go upstairs when I was a kid.

Poor girl. I can't imagine leaving my daughter to cry for up to an hour at any stage of her childhood, and I wouldn't do it now she's 18. And working long hours is a shit excuse to not comfort your own (or any) child.

What are you in this situation? Friend/relative/partner?

How long has she struggled with friends and been obsessive about people and things? I’d be supporting her whilst trying to get to the bottom of why she’s unhappy or frightened.

My nearly 12 year old is exactly the same. She rarely goes anywhere around the house alone and shares a room with her little sister despite them both having their own bedrooms. She’s autistic. Girls on the spectrum present in such subtle ways, high anxiety and friendship issues as is being focused on a particular interest, tends to be the tale tale sign.

Doesn't mum say goodnight?
Surprising that the parents would rather hear her crying for an hour than spend 1 min walking her up the stairs and saying goodnight.

My dd was like this. She pretty much slept in my bed until she was 15. I always validated her feelings and tried to not make her do things that she was uncomfortable with and I have no regrets and would do the same again. She went to university at 17 and is now a well adjusted, 21 year old in her last year at university, a string of boys, a part time job and a completely age-appropriate unrealistic plan for her future.

This is the first week really fast it's been dark again at bed time and DD(11) is back to not wanting to walk into a dark room by herself. We're in a flat, so she doesn't even have stairs to go up alone! It happens every year at this time of year. I find if I go with her without commenting after a while she forgets about it and goes off on her own. If we tell her off it makes it into a big thing and lasts far longer and is far noisier.