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Original poster

Child (age 12) scared to go upstairs alone at bedtime

91 replies

Feelingempty84 · 30/08/2023 22:26

what would you do/think if this was your child?

Child is 12 and is an only child. For the last year, mum and DP have had major battles with her about going upstairs to bed. She says she’s too scared to go up alone and that someone might have broken in they might be upstairs and will harm her. Mum thinks she just doesn’t want to miss out on being downstairs with adults. They are taking hard line that she needs to go upstairs on her own but she spends up to an hour sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying before she will eventually go upstairs and go to bed.

Apart from bedtime, she’s a great kid-does well at school although struggles with friendships. She can get a bit obsessed with people and things, and can have an overactive imagination! She doesn’t seem a very happy child though :-(

to avoid back story-father absent since she was 3. Mum’s DP been in her life since age 4. DC seems to get on well with DP. Mum works long hours Mon-Fri and is often tired/exhausted in the evening.

OP posts:
imip · 31/08/2023 06:36

My dc are like this, and I was as a child. As an adult I lived alone and I was still scared at night! I am old enough realistically to know that no harm will come to me. I walk my 13 and 11 yo up. My older two are now ok.

all normal and making her go up could be potentially doing more harm than good.

sashh · 31/08/2023 07:08

Walkie talkies? YOu can keep in touch until she is in bed.

Noorandapples · 31/08/2023 07:12

In the grand scheme of things is half an hour mum-daughter time each night too much to ask? Kids need a connection with their parent, if she's scared then comfort her. Sit with her for half an hour. Don't make her feel like an anxious burden.

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Families
lemonyellows · 31/08/2023 07:17

My son still keeps his door partly open and has a night light. Same age. It's just what works for him. He isn't keen going up on his own. Maybe see if that would help?

Welcomer · 31/08/2023 07:18

What would I do? I'd go up with her, give her a cuddle and make sure she felt happy and safe. No way would I leave my DC crying at the bottom of the stairs, that's cruel Sad

FrangipaniBlue · 31/08/2023 07:22

So for the sake of getting off their arses for 5 minutes to walk upstairs with her they let her sit and cry at the bottom?

I find that quite upsetting if I'm honest.

Children are never too old to be "tucked in" IMO if that's what they want and need.

Alighttouchonthetiller · 31/08/2023 07:25

It seems odd not to just go up with her. My DD is around the same age and doesn't like going upstairs at bedtime (particularly if it's dark) by herself, so I go up at the same time and get our clothes ironed and ready for the next day while she gets ready for bed.

Original poster
Feelingempty84 · 31/08/2023 07:33

Mum or DP do go up and ‘tuck in’ but have made clear to her that they will only do this once she’s got ready for bed and is in bed.

Im a very close relative in the situation and mum has asked for my advice. I personally think it’s quite cruel but mum thinks pandering to it will just encourage more attention seeking behaviour. Mum does spend 1:1 time with DD but is at weekend rather than during the week.

OP posts:
SisterJo · 31/08/2023 07:38

Autism is leaping out at me here. Anxiety about bedtimes, difficulties with friendships, obsessions and generally not seeming happy - plus the fact her response is to sit and cry for an hour- are all suggestive of autism in girls. Leaving her to cry will not be helping and will not work!

Redwinestillfine · 31/08/2023 07:44

Going against the grain here. My eldest was like this. I tried the nice approach and it just escalated. I became a crutch. Bedtime got longer and longer. I was exhausted and irritated, she was upset and clingy. In the end I spoke to school who agreed I needed to establish clear boundaries. It was hard work but I now tuck in and go. Best thing we ever did. She is a much happier well adjusted child and the whole family has benefited.

mumyes · 31/08/2023 07:48

Feelingempty84 · 31/08/2023 07:33

Mum or DP do go up and ‘tuck in’ but have made clear to her that they will only do this once she’s got ready for bed and is in bed.

Im a very close relative in the situation and mum has asked for my advice. I personally think it’s quite cruel but mum thinks pandering to it will just encourage more attention seeking behaviour. Mum does spend 1:1 time with DD but is at weekend rather than during the week.

I agree with you that it's cruel.

I would go up with the child to assure her, but I would also explain that (I) I.e. mum is tired & that it would be very helpful if she could work towards going to bed on her own & then mum could tuck in / say good night

HappiDaze · 31/08/2023 07:51

You need the lights on

I was terrified of the dark and I think it was because my bedroom was at the top of the stairs by the staircase. So all I could see was a big black hole where any monster could come up

It's the unknown

You'll have to keep the lights on

HappiDaze · 31/08/2023 07:54

When I say I was terrified of the dark

My body would freeze and I would have what I now know is a panic attack

It may be worth asking the GP for beta blockers

southlondoner02 · 31/08/2023 07:59

DD has always been a bit like this and can go through phases of needing reassurance whilst other times happy to go up alone.

When she was younger (about 8) it felt like she was getting quite anxious and relying on quite fixed ways of thinking (eg having to have teddy bears lined up to protect her). It was during covid times and she had a lot going on so we spoke to the school senco who referred us to an early intervention service. They suggested a book called Helping your child with fears and worries by Cathy Cresswell. It talks about gradually supporting your child to do things that worry them in a safe supported way. Might be useful?

HappiDaze · 31/08/2023 08:02

Oh yes this started when I was 4

I was so scared I would wee in a cardboard box in my room because I was too scared to go to the bathroom which was next to me and right by the stairwell

I remember my dad asking why I was weeing in the cardboard box

I was very embarrassed and also didn't have the ability to connect the dots to tell him re my fear of the dark

He's a lovely man so obviously didn't get cross he just wanted to get to the bottom of it. My DM never mentioned it so was also very kind about it.

He must have got to the bottom of it because I stopped peeing in a box Grin

I remember the patterns on my curtains giving me nightmares too

I stopped being afraid of the dark when I had DC in my 30's Confused

southlondoner02 · 31/08/2023 08:02

But to add, we always let her keep the lights on/ spent time reassuring her etc. It feels cruel not to - she's not doing this on purpose and we all have fears

HappiDaze · 31/08/2023 08:07

They absolutely need to walk her to her room with lights on all the way

She'll be bloody terrified walking to her room herself

I can feel the fear from my past just thinking about her having to do that

SomePosters · 31/08/2023 08:13

Sounds like she’s trying to communicate that she needs a bit of extra love and support at the end of the day.

kids don’t have the emotional intelligence to say I need company so they say I’m scared meaning ‘I need someone with me’

I stopped this behaviour in my daughter by saying ‘you don’t have to pretend to be scared to get me to stay a bit longer, just tell me you need more time or cuddles or to talk’
She never told me she was scared at bedtime again, she asked me to stay for a longer cuddle or to listen to something she was worried about and once she could ask for what she actually needed it was much easier to give her that

Im a single parent and I know how hard that last push before bed is because I am so tired but as with many parenting things it’s actually easier to dig deep and do it properly than slack off and let the problem build.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/08/2023 08:18

My dd slept in the same room as us until she was 13. She was too scared to sleep alone.

Later diagnosed as ASD. The child mentioned sounds the same. Friendship issues, obsessions. She needs soothing and treating with patience and reassurance. It won’t just go away.

gogomoto · 31/08/2023 08:21

From about 6 my kids went upstairs and got themselves ready for bed then one of us come up and read a chapter of whatever book we were reading, usually their dad because he wasn't home in the daytime. No toothbrushing or pjs no book, and if they were quick they might get 2 chapters. So an incentive to comply! A child not willing to go upstairs at all alone is very worrying or controlling behaviour on their part (could be either). I'm more of the tough love/incentives/bribes parenting philosophy so I would be offering to come up after getting ready not escorting a soon to be teen up the stairs. Unfortunately I suspect even subconsciously she's trying to monopolise her mum

Namechangeforadvicepleaseandthankyou · 31/08/2023 08:23

SisterJo · 31/08/2023 07:38

Autism is leaping out at me here. Anxiety about bedtimes, difficulties with friendships, obsessions and generally not seeming happy - plus the fact her response is to sit and cry for an hour- are all suggestive of autism in girls. Leaving her to cry will not be helping and will not work!

Thought exactly the same

QuillBill · 31/08/2023 08:25

There needs to be a change of routine. Leaving a child crying on the stairs for an hour is ridiculous.

Her mother could go upstairs at the same time and get ready for bed herself for example. So she's around during the part she is getting upset by.

BashCandicoot · 31/08/2023 08:25

Well, mum’s a nasty piece of work isn’t she?

wizzler · 31/08/2023 08:27

Ds was like this until he was 12... then all of a sudden it stopped. We just went with the flow

Angie147836 · 31/08/2023 08:28

I think it's a really common fear. My daughter had it at a similar age. Just go upstairs with her and relax on your own bed / do some ironing / change the sheets or some other chore while she is getting ready. Don't be cruel and force her to go alone.