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Original poster

Child (age 12) scared to go upstairs alone at bedtime

91 replies

Feelingempty84 · 30/08/2023 22:26

what would you do/think if this was your child?

Child is 12 and is an only child. For the last year, mum and DP have had major battles with her about going upstairs to bed. She says she’s too scared to go up alone and that someone might have broken in they might be upstairs and will harm her. Mum thinks she just doesn’t want to miss out on being downstairs with adults. They are taking hard line that she needs to go upstairs on her own but she spends up to an hour sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying before she will eventually go upstairs and go to bed.

Apart from bedtime, she’s a great kid-does well at school although struggles with friendships. She can get a bit obsessed with people and things, and can have an overactive imagination! She doesn’t seem a very happy child though :-(

to avoid back story-father absent since she was 3. Mum’s DP been in her life since age 4. DC seems to get on well with DP. Mum works long hours Mon-Fri and is often tired/exhausted in the evening.

OP posts:
JuneBeWonderful · 31/08/2023 08:31

There have been times when my children have felt like this and at no point did I just leave them to be terrified at the bottom of the stairs. Instead you walk up with them reassuring them that you are there for them. It smacks of you are less important than my partner otherwise which should never be the case.

Both of my children were also told that if they woke up scared it was fine to turn on their bedside light and leave it on all night if they wanted, or we were also to be woken up if they needed us.

The Mum should go upstairs with her DD and make it something nice. It is 30 minutes or whatever. It is cruel to leave a child scared when you know you can help them.

BluesandClues · 31/08/2023 08:32

My goodness, it’s like two minutes of a parents life. Why can’t they just go upstairs, tuck them in? Give them that reassurance, and give the child the message that they matter and their fears are taken seriously.

OnionBhajis · 31/08/2023 08:33

We gave one a similar age and we "go upstairs" with her if her sister isn't upstairs as she doesn't like to do the "going upstairs" alone if dark. She's now all right once tucked in (falls asleep quickly tbf)

She's often had issues at night so one stage we had a readybed on our floor she could come in and sleep on if she woke up. Didn't disturb us, comforted her, and she grew out of it!

What the mum is doing here sounds unnecessarily unkind.

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GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/08/2023 08:33

I’d go and check everywhere upstairs with her for several nights.

I do have sympathy - at around that age I was petrified every night of going upstairs to bed - I’d developed an absolute Thing about ghosts. Probably stemming from having to stay a couple of nights at a GM’s house, not long after both my GF and GGF had died there. Both lovely old men, not sure why I was so petrified of them ‘appearing’.

Never told my folks though. Suffered in silence.

OnionBhajis · 31/08/2023 08:33

We leave loo light on too as that lights the landing enough if they need the loo at night

sentinent · 31/08/2023 08:36

Why on earth would you choose to take a hard line on this of all things? Of course go up with her and make her feel safe. It's what parents are for.

Crowfinch · 31/08/2023 08:40

Dd is similar age and still needs the landing light on when she goes up by herself. She comes in to say goodnight, then takes herself up but if she were scared, then I'd go up. Like you do with little kids, when you're showing them there are no monsters in the cupboard.

The anxiety might not even be about upstairs, but that's how it manifests. Eg I always know dd is having a shit time with her friends, when she gets arsey and defiant with me. I don't think she recognises it, but it's obvious to me.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/08/2023 08:40

If this child is ND, this will traumatise her. She will never forgive you.

Pinkpots · 31/08/2023 08:43

Wtf of all things to take a hard line on, forcing a child to do something they find upsetting and listen to them crying for an hour. Wouldn’t any parent talk to their child try and find out if there is anything that is troubling them 12 yrs old is a tough age. Tell mum to get off her arse and walk up the stairs and work towards getting her child to feel confident to do it themselves whether that be night lights or leaving a door open. If mum is so desperately tired even more reason for her to go upstairs reassure and settle her child and then go to bed herself.

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 31/08/2023 08:54

An adult should go upstairs with her to check to help her feel safe. Then come back to tuck her in.

The current situation sounds awful.

FlamingoQueen · 31/08/2023 09:00

Could Mum get her a little rucksack or something that she could take upstairs with her. In it could be a little torch, a drinks bottle and her book. When she goes up, she could have 30 mins to have a little read and then Mum goes up to say good night?
Is there something else going on with her though? 12 is quite old to be frightened to go upstairs on her own. Perhaps also just check that she is actually ok.

DragonflyLady · 31/08/2023 09:02

What awful behaviour on the mum’s part. If she feels that this is ‘attention seeking behaviour’ then that basically is saying that she’s not actually paying enough attention to her child. She needs to stop being so bloomin selfish and help her child!

Agnes12 · 31/08/2023 09:04

I had this from a very young age as I’d seen a news report about a child murder where the girl was taken from her bedroom in the night. I was terrified. I remember one night going downstairs and telling mum I was frightened and “the hard line” was taken and I was sent straight back to bed without being asked what I was frightened of. I shared a room with my sister who was older and used to sit at the top of the stairs in the cold and dark until she came to bed. I had a phobia of being on my own at night which restricted life choices through my 20’s as I couldn’t contemplate living alone. Finally cured through hypnotherapy in my early 30’s. I would try to find out the cause of her fear and reassure her that she is safe and protected.

Ledkr · 31/08/2023 09:06

My 12 Yr old is the same.
She is currently sleeping next to me as she got scared last night.
I just go with it and keep reassuring her. She is scared of people breaking in.
My older dd recently moved away to work and so dd2 is the only child on the first floor as we are in the attic room so I do understand how she must be feeing.
Lovely to read all the kind advice on here. I work with younger kids and my advice on this is often met with horrified looks from parents who think their child should be sleeping alone regardless of their fears.

BackToOklahoma · 31/08/2023 09:12

mum thinks pandering to it will just encourage more attention seeking behaviour.

What a dreadful attitude she has towards her daughter. Whatever the reason behind her daughters behaviour, she needs reassurance and kindness.

Passerillage · 31/08/2023 09:15

What’s wrong with looking for and receiving attention at 12, for God’s sake? They’re going to be grown up and gone so fast out of our lives and these might be the last few years of the cuddles and such passionate “attention seeking” from Mummy, so speaking as the Mum of two girls around the same age/slightly older, I just go upstairs and have a sit and a chat while they get ready for bed and a little cuddle and a kiss.

12YO DD has even started asking for a story again recently (I palm that one off onto DH though!).

Sometimes I’m wiped and don’t massively want to do a fully escorted bedtime (our house is TINY - I’m pretty confident it’s safe even in the dark!) but I’m pretty sure that when I’m 60 I’m not going to look back on these days and wish I hadn’t done it.

Iammetoday · 31/08/2023 09:17

I had the same with my dd9. She was scared of people breaking in- no idea why! We sat with her, lights on etc and she grew out of it.

If this behaviour is alongside difficulties with friendships, other troubles with emotions etc I would be looking into asd.

TheLongGloriesOfTheWinterMoon · 31/08/2023 09:21

Of course the parents should help the child with this.
By accompanying her upstairs and showing her there's nothing to be scared of and then getting to the bottom of what's going on. Because at 12, something certainly is.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 31/08/2023 10:19

Just walk her upstairs takes 2 minutes

sundialmomma · 31/08/2023 17:23

This makes me very sad to read. The mum's approach is very cold. I was exactly the same as a child and even as an adult if I'm home alone I don't like going upstairs at night. I'm not ND and view myself as capable and well-adjusted! I can't believe the mum gives no one to one time during the week. I have a high stress job with long hours and I'm often exhausted but can't imagine choosing to watch tv rather than comfort my little girl.

Ilovelurchers · 31/08/2023 17:44

Sounds like it has become a battle of wills. I agree with posters who say that the mum or partner at this point should walk her up the stairs, as this only takes about two minutes, rather than allowing her to cry at the bottom of the stairs for an hour. (To be honest I find it extraordinary that any of the three of them find this a tolerable way to live their lives).

Equally it is our responsibility as parents to equip our children to deal with what is a big and scary world, so ideally they do also need to help her overcome this and develop more independence, rather than simply indulging it and thereby treating her like a much younger child.

A 12 year old ideally would not need a parent to put them to bed, so this does need to be explored and addressed - but not in a way that causes trauma and distress to the child, obviously!

I"m appalled by those posters who have implied the mother has caused this situation by having a partner and a job. Not the completely absent biological father's fault that the child struggles, obviously.....

Gpnever · 31/08/2023 18:07

I was scared of this when I was her age. I wasn’t allowed to say anything about it to the adults in my life as it was trivial and wouldn’t not have mattered, I would have told to just get on with it. This is what happened when I told my mum I was frightened in the night about the dark.

i would have loved someone to have been kind to me and helped me get over the fear.

im not sure it’s directly related, but I’m still scared of the dark now I’m grown up, when my husband is away I sleep with the light on. I don’t think I ever got past scary stuff from when I was little.

I think the tough love approach will make the problem go away (she will just cope) but I’m not sure it will really help her get over the fear.

DizzyDaisy321 · 01/09/2023 13:02

You can't go upstairs with her?

Fairydustxox · 01/09/2023 13:04

Why not go upstairs and stay around until she's settled? Don't need to sit with her but give comfort that you're there? Does she have a lamp she can leave on?
I was the same at that age, even now I hate when my partner works away and I'm alone at night

MadinMarch · 01/09/2023 13:26

Honestly I find it sad and quite shocking that they leave a 12 Yr old child frightened and crying rather than take her up and reassure her. She's a pre-teen, about to enter a very difficult, hormonal stage of her life with lots of new circumstances to navigate and the message she is being sent is that her mum hasn't got her back. The adults who are meant to love and protect her are not there for her when she needs them. Poor girl 💔

This!
Difficult to believe that the two adults seem content to leave a child in this much distress EVERY night! This poor child will remember it for the rest of her life.
The relationship between adult and child must be very poor indeed in all sorts of other ways I would imagine...