Child (age 12) scared to go upstairs alone at bedtime

[Feelingempty84]

what would you do/think if this was your child?

Child is 12 and is an only child. For the last year, mum and DP have had major battles with her about going upstairs to bed. She says she’s too scared to go up alone and that someone might have broken in they might be upstairs and will harm her. Mum thinks she just doesn’t want to miss out on being downstairs with adults. They are taking hard line that she needs to go upstairs on her own but she spends up to an hour sitting at the bottom of the stairs crying before she will eventually go upstairs and go to bed.

Apart from bedtime, she’s a great kid-does well at school although struggles with friendships. She can get a bit obsessed with people and things, and can have an overactive imagination! She doesn’t seem a very happy child though :-(

to avoid back story-father absent since she was 3. Mum’s DP been in her life since age 4. DC seems to get on well with DP. Mum works long hours Mon-Fri and is often tired/exhausted in the evening.

Hey, thought I would comment as someone with lifelong severe anxiety who has spoken about this exact issue that I had as a child in therapy (as an adult).

I'm not suggesting that its exactly the same for your SD as she's not me, but the overwhelming conclusion I've had from multiple therapists is that the reason I was scared of my own shadow as a kid was that I was never made to feel safe or secure in childhood by my parents. There was a lot of shouting and negativity in my house and on top of this my fears were treated with annoyance, anger and leaving me to cry/stay awake all night scared to tell anyone that I was sitting on the landing in case someone broke in but too scared to approach my parents. By the time I was a young teenager I was very mentally unwell and I still am to this day - it very much limits my day to day life. Not that I'm scared that particular stuff now, but growing up scared scars your psyche.

As I say, I'm not saying your case is as extreme, but I'm just saying that leaving her to be scared is pretty much the worst thing any of you could do.

It seems a bit cruel to let her sit at the bottom of the stairs for up to an hour crying. Poor kid! I think a parent just needs to pop up with her and then try to gradually phase it out by saying one night 'why not try and do it alone tonight?' If it's a negative reaction, just keep gently trying over a period of a few weeks.

By letting her get this upset and anxious, they're likely making it a much bigger deal than it is.

Letting a kid have this much anxiety on a daily basis with no support is damaging to their lifelong mental health.

I had exactly this problem as a child, I was terrified of the dark and someone breaking in and it was nothing to do with playing up or wanting to stay awake.

Also I wasn’t a very happy child either

I’ve developed severe anxiety and depression as an adult. I’m also still terrified of someone breaking in and I know it sounds silly but I’m 38 and won’t be in the house alone after 10pm to the point I book hotels on the very few occasions a year my husband is away if I can’t get anyone to stay over.

I really think some therapy would help. It could well be anxiety.

In the meantime I’d all go up to bed at the same time as them and watch tv/read a book in bed, with them knowing I’m there.

Has anybody asked her why she thinks that might happen? What is it that caused her to feel this way?

I'd also be curious to find out how long it has been going on. There has to be a reason for it. A book, a tv programme, something on the news, some wildly over-the-top tale she's heard from schoolfriends, it could be anything.

I would go uo with her, check the house, cupboards, under the beds and show that the house is safe and that she is safe.

At that age perhaps she cannot articulate whatever it might be that ia worrying her however it is manifesting itself like this. I would tuck her in and stick to a routine. Eventually her independence will grow and she will not need help.

I would rather a happy healthy child and even sometimes as adults something can unsettle us and we need extra support.

I hope things improve.

Ds had a phase of not wanting to go up by himself, and I think dd2 did too. Dd1 didn't but her siblings would always have been up by that point, so that's perhaps not a fair comparison.

It's much easier to either go up and check round and leave them in bed (with nightlight if necessary) than have stress every night. I used to often leave something I needed to do, like sorting the washing, to that point so I could naturally say "bedtime and I'm going to sort the washing", and that also meant he wanted to go up then because I was going up.
And you gradually reduce down the time. So first time you might be in sight, then you move to doing something in the next room, then you're moving around upstairs, then up and down... and they get used to the idea. It lasted in both the dc's case less than a year.

Jesus christ, go upstairs with the poor child.

You let her cry at the bottom of the stairs rather than get off your arse and take her.

Heard it all now.

My ten year old is autistic and has all of these markers… Telling her to do something she is too terrified to do will not help in those circumstances so I’d be inclined to do whatever my daughter needed to help her feel safe and secure, even without a diagnosis.

I don't see the point of taking a "hard line" if she is genuinely scared. Why can't someone just take her up and tuck her in. She could have a night light or landing light on, or leave the door ajar. She would probably drift off if someone read a few pages of a story (which mine loved even at that age!)

I'd have been really sensitive to stuff like this as a child. Police talking about it on a school visit or maybe another child in school could have triggered it off. Or she's seen something a while ago and just thought about it more recently. Maybe a nightmare she had. I definitely would be trying to focus on reassuring her. My dad used to bring me around the house when he was locking up and check all the doors and windows and each room thoroughly so I'd know noone was in the house that shouldn't be. I couldn't even tell you where the fear stemmed from but that did make me feel reassured.

My dd14 was like this till about 2 years ago. It wasn't just about being upstairs alone , if she was still awake when we went to bed she'd be terrified of being the last one awake. Most nights she slept with me. When I put her to bed in her room we read together, then I'd read in my room for a bit so I was just next door. Then she started taking our dog to bed with her, she still had music & the night light & she learned its OK. Recently the dog had a poorly tummy so slept in the kitchen & DD was fine upstairs without her. However, on holiday 3 weeks ago we stayed in a huge farm house, DD was scared of it, I ended up spending the week sleeping with her & hubby got the best room with the fab views to himself.
I wouldn't send DD up alone at 12 & wouldn't leave her to be scared. I still go in every night & wevsay our goodnight words & have a hug, even if I'm going to bed first.

The OP isn't the parent.

It could be something such as just not wanting the night to end? Through over excitement kid's develop wanting reassuringly to fall asleep on a parent and so on
Or lil anxiety? Maybe...don't take my word tbh
I hate commenting personally as it's unfortunate but it's more somethings are live and learn and can feel interference makes parents feel your doing wrong...your not there is no right and wrong!
We all do at different ways and so on
I hope u find the answers your looking for!
Good luck friend! And others in these situations

Shouldn't leave her to cry!! There is a reason and I don't believe all this old wives hard as nails set up Let them Cry that's cruel. Could you imagine if you're parents or loved one left you to cry for an hour? Is that love? ...

It's pretty normal once they become aware of the outside world