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Jealous of perfect families

81 replies

JaneyGee · 30/08/2023 18:20

Do you ever feel jealous of other people's families? Today, a guy at work showed me some photos of his family. He is happily married, with two boys and a girl. His eldest has just got engaged, the middle child is at university studying biochemistry, and the youngest is going to Cambridge this Autumn to study Italian and French. He showed me photos of them on holiday – all happy and tanned and loving. It was a real stab to the heart.

I don't want to go into details, but my own family is far from perfect, and I look to the future with dread. The man I mentioned is lovely btw, and wasn't showing off or trying to rub my nose in it. I have met his wife, who is very nice, and two of his kids, who both seemed very sweet. They are good people. And it's people like that who hold everything together. But part of me bitterly resents their happiness. I feel the same when I go on social media. I really hate this bitter, jealous streak, but don't know what to do about it. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 30/08/2023 18:23

I don't believe any family is a perfect family. Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

NuNameNuMe · 30/08/2023 18:23

Don't compare your inside with his outside

Howmanysleepsnow · 30/08/2023 18:25

I’ve had people say they’re jealous of my perfect family and life.

I don’t have a perfect family or life.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
coxesorangepippin · 30/08/2023 18:27

It's all bollocks, it really is

IFeelSoSoSad · 30/08/2023 18:30

Yes I do. I am envious of people whose children who don’t have mental health struggles. I am envious of people whose children are happy and successful in supporting themselves. I am envious of people whose children have formed happy relationships.

longestlurkerever · 30/08/2023 18:33

I'm not sure it helps to focus on the idea that people are secretly miserable under a facade, though good to remember that no one's life is perfect and no one is immune to illness, grief and heart break. Isn't it better to think that life can be good?

I think it's ok to be a little bit jealous, as long as you don't dwell on it too much and remember to be thankful for what you do have and try as best you can to improve your own life. Would learning a language make you feel more fulfilled OP? It's something you mention admiring about this man's family. Is there anything else?

Terraria · 30/08/2023 18:37

I can relate but I feel more worry than jealous.

It's tiring to keep telling yourself 'it could be worse', 'they are far from perfect' etc when clearly they are much more blessed than we are.

GalileoHumpkins · 30/08/2023 18:37

Unless you know every minute of his life why would you assume it's perfect? Everyone has struggles.
Feeling so bitter and jealous is maybe something you should talk to a therapist about.

TGGreen · 30/08/2023 18:44

That very nearly describes my family unit, except my youngest is on track for a great university, not there yet. DC1 owns his own home and is getting married next year. We are happy in many ways but life is not without its struggles. I'm seriously ill and would give anything I have materially to be well.
I had someone comment that DC1 is doing it 'properly,' getting married before they have children after their own DC had a child very young. My DC1 envies her daughter being a parent. DC has just been referred to a fertility expert and will likely only have that chance through IVF, which obviously has no guarantees. You really do not know what goes on in other's lives, just what they allow you to know. There's no such thing as perfect.

Watchthedoormat · 30/08/2023 18:48

If you looked at my photographs you'd think I was part of a perfect family.
Colleagues have no idea of what goes on in my life as I don't share the negative aspects of my life- it's bad enough living it.
In my albums we're smiling, wearing our best clothes, looking healthy and happy. Mum, Dad, DD and DS.
In real life I'm miserable and struggle with my mental health. OH drinks too much - which causes arguments and my two children fight, have their own issues and won't even stand next to each other for anything other than a photo.

1983Louise · 30/08/2023 18:50

We looked perfect from the outside and were far from it. It's like believing everything on FB is real, I've seen many happy photos and know the back story unfortunately................

bumblefeline · 30/08/2023 18:51

It all seems perfect as that's how they want their life to look, it rarely is perfect behind the scenes. Never compare yourself to others.

Mushroo · 30/08/2023 18:55

I don’t think ‘you don’t know what happens behind close doors’ is very helpful.

Some people DO have a very enviable family life, and it’s ok to feel a bit sad / resentful of that.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings, accept your family might be different, but focus on what’s good. Life isn’t a competition :)

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/08/2023 18:57

There is no such thing as perfect, as you must surely understand OP?

Noicant · 30/08/2023 18:57

I was on the beach on holiday, there was a family nearby in an adjacent beach hut. Mum had bruises on her, didn’t even realise they had a kid until about an hour in when one popped up, no-one spoke to each other for 2 hours solid and then they went and took loads of lovely happy family pictures then promptly went back to ignoring each other. Made me feel quite miserable to watch tbh. Things on social media really aren’t always what they seem.

Sometimes we look like a really happy family, laughing and joking together other times you’d be wondering whether you should call social services because we are clearly crappy parents who aren’t coping.

It’s the rare family that is always happy and well, most people have ups and downs.

ethelredonagoodday · 30/08/2023 18:57

Whilst not wishing to be a doom merchant, I've had a think about it, and I cannot think of one set of friends, and I include close friends, work friends, uni friends, local friends, (etc etc, you catch my drift) who haven't got something shit going on, or who haven't had to deal with something crap or some sort of rubbish family situation or tragedy over the years.

Some people would look at me, and think I've got a perfect life. I'm in a decent, happy marriage, kids are both doing well at school and are generally happy, both of us have good jobs, we live in a nice house in a lovely place, and we've very comfortably off.

However, my husband's father is totally disinterested in us and his grandchildren, my Dad died during the covid pandemic, when I was younger, my parents went through a very messy divorce, I was subsequently brought up in a single parent family, my Dad did a brief spell in prison, BIL is a waster who steals off his family and has written off multiple cars and made numerous suicide attempts, etc etc. The list goes on. But people who know me superficially would think I live a totally charmed life!

I think definitely some people seem to be dealt a worse hand than others, I don't dispute that, but I think very few people get to sail through life without any issues.

MadamPia · 30/08/2023 18:59

We can all look like the perfect family if we wanted to. That is the point “look like”. There is no evidence that anyone’s life is.

Maybe minimise what you see on social media. I curate my feeds by scrolling through posts related to my hobbies and interest. I know that when people post or share a picture it is a snapshot in time.

Maybe start a gratitude diary? You will always find something to be happy about. This is coming from a person that is a young single parent and often the one mum on the school run without a partner, or +2 DCs. As I’ve got to know the parents I’ve discovered nothing is perfect!

hopelessromantique · 30/08/2023 19:00

DH’s family are “perfect”. We are NC with them and there are some bitter family disputes, his mum is a narcissist and they’re stately homes all over - EVERYONE she meets or sees on her Facebook would assume they are the perfect, happy, wealthy family unit. All kids have AMAZING jobs, grandkids etc

WhisperingJesse · 30/08/2023 19:01

IFeelSoSoSad · 30/08/2023 18:30

Yes I do. I am envious of people whose children who don’t have mental health struggles. I am envious of people whose children are happy and successful in supporting themselves. I am envious of people whose children have formed happy relationships.

Same

StressedToDeathhhh · 30/08/2023 19:01

NuNameNuMe · 30/08/2023 18:23

Don't compare your inside with his outside

I love this and agree 100%

WhiteFire · 30/08/2023 19:02

I don't think anyone is immune to everyday trials and tribulations, they might be worrying about the cost of having two at university at the same time, Mum might be dreading the upcoming 'empty nest syndrome ', they might be reeling from the fact that the simple roof leak has mushroomed to a full roof replacement.

I don't buy into the "it's all a facade" , but neither is anyone's life perfect, a snapshot in time may well be perfect, but overall life throws us curve balls, even if it is just the washing machine breaking down mid-cycle.

Yahyahs22 · 30/08/2023 19:04

My brother and his family LOOK this way too. I know better, they're utterly miserable and their kids have serious issues (one in particular is deeply concerning). But go by social media and they look like the perfect family.

Bennyandthevets · 30/08/2023 19:04

Get off social media OP, you’ll feel a lot better.

ShutTheDoorBabe · 30/08/2023 19:05

They won't be taking photos of the times when their teen dc rolled in pissed up or when they argued about the same stupid shit that we all do.

If you, or your dc if you have them, have difficulties in one way or another it really doesn't make you/them/your life imperfect; it makes it different.

Look for the joy and the fun in the small things and make the most of it. That's all you really can do.

My fb feed is full of people jetting off to far flung places for long, relaxing hols by the pool or going to concerts and festivals and we simply can't afford that. If we could, dc1, who has ADHD, would struggle anyway so we'd either go and have a nightmare or have to split up and either dh or I stay home with him, which kind of defeats the object! Instead, we have been on a few daytrips to the seaside, which I have posted on fb about, and stayed home. Doesn't mean we're not having a good life but it's just not social media worthy.

Katmai · 30/08/2023 19:12

Some people just seem to live in the sunshine all their lives. Other people are kicked along like a football in the mud. It is the luck of the draw, and it never does any good making comparisons.

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