Jealous of perfect families

[JaneyGee]

Do you ever feel jealous of other people's families? Today, a guy at work showed me some photos of his family. He is happily married, with two boys and a girl. His eldest has just got engaged, the middle child is at university studying biochemistry, and the youngest is going to Cambridge this Autumn to study Italian and French. He showed me photos of them on holiday – all happy and tanned and loving. It was a real stab to the heart.

I don't want to go into details, but my own family is far from perfect, and I look to the future with dread. The man I mentioned is lovely btw, and wasn't showing off or trying to rub my nose in it. I have met his wife, who is very nice, and two of his kids, who both seemed very sweet. They are good people. And it's people like that who hold everything together. But part of me bitterly resents their happiness. I feel the same when I go on social media. I really hate this bitter, jealous streak, but don't know what to do about it. Can anyone relate?

Weird thing is that just today I had a friend who I have always thought had the perfect life say she was jealous of me

How I see it is that I'm a single parent of a 2 year old, I have ADHD and a chronic autoimmune condition. While she is a healthy mum of 2 with a partner, a great job and she's bloody gorgeous on top of it.

She sees the strong bond that I have with my daughter, the freedom I have to make the parenting choices I want without discussion, the way I just seem to cope with and manage everything in my stride while she is constantly critical of herself, has very low self esteem and has really struggled with feeling like parenting doesn't come naturally to her.

I guess it just goes to show that it's easy to see things from the outside with rose tinted glasses

I’m with you there. I have a poorly adult daughter that has and still misses out on so much. Her latest ordeal is a brain tumour, having had a hysterectomy in June. Sometimes life throws shit at you over and over again and you wonder what you’ve done wrong to deserve it 🤷‍♀️

Everyone has struggles but some more than others. Nothing is ‘picture perfect’ over time I’ve realised how pointless social media is, cos none of it’s true. All contrived. But there are a lot of happy families out there and no one knows what tomorrow will bring. It should be that people are happy right? We should focus on our selves and our close ones. Not judge nor compare. Just focus on how to make our lives more fulfilling. I’ve volunteered and done some coaching of young teenage girls, that really helped me focus on the important things.

There's no such thing as a perfect family, but I find the default assumption from some people that a happy family must be a facade to be depressing. You don't need to put someone else's candle out for yours to shine brighter.

I think what you see on social media or in photos is bollock. Me and my DH argue all the time and we shout at the kids and most of the time we are a grumpy lot but on Facebook I probably look like I have a lovey family life. I know of one person who im close to who goes out of her way to post things on Facebook about family and ‘loving life’ and I know for fact she wants to leave her DH - her social media is completely not like her life. In fact I know another just like that and then one who’s OH was having an affair and my god you would never have guessed from photos etc or social media it was all very hush hush !

This. I don’t want to believe that happiness is a facade, I want to believe it’s possible and that one day I might get there.

Some people do seem to have more of a hard time and more challenges than others. But these kind of views about perfect families make me feel uncomfortable, everyone's life hangs by a thread. Dreadful things can be just around the corner for anyone.

Some people are just luckier than others. There's always that person for example who screws everyone over and is selfish but are never without am adoring partner, making tons of money, good health despite drinking heavily most evenings and weekends and always on holiday. Nobody said life was fair.

Those I’m close too would often look like a perfect family but the reality is different. Others, we yes some are just lovely people.

I ruined our perfect family for my parents (brother at Cambridge uni etc) when I dropped out of a London uni. I never actually told my parents the full story, they just know I was very unhappy. I was actually violently raped on a night out. 20 years later I’m still the only cousin without a degree and it always comes up even though I’m earning a good salary in a respectable profession.

I am a bit jealous of people who are raising kids with a supportive, loving partner. I think that must be a fabulous thing!

Yes I can get moment of feeling this way some times. I know it’s not logical and I know that often those families that look perfect from the outside have their own issues going on behind the scenes too.

I agree with the comparison is the thief of joy, type comments though. We get what we get and we have to do the best to make the most out of the lives that we have.

Sadly we don’t all get the same parenting, the same families or children. Partly it’s luck and partly it’s what you make of it. I am trying my best to focus on the “it’s what you make of it” part, but I fall in to the comparison trap at times too.

I completed get where you’re coming from OP.

My upbringing was very dysfunctional. Both parents have MH issues, there was lots of domestic violence and I had to ring 999 so many times I’ve lost count and my parent’s relationship is very toxic and even now I have to deal with them cheating on each other, threatening violence, threatening suicide and ringing the police, then a few weeks later them getting bank together.
I struggle as an adult knowing how to cook and clean because they never did it.

I feel very sorry for my DD as my family are dysfunctional and she has no contact with her dad or his family.
She says all of the time she wishes she had a normal family and it makes me so sad.

As PPs have said no family is perfect but it would be nice to have a normal family.

I know someone who puts up her wedding anniversary dates, celebrations and posts to/about her husband. She has lots of 'friends' on social media who are not real life friends so dont know how her husband is abusive to her. Because she doesnt put that side of her life on social media. Her photos show a happy family.

I also know people who are good genuinely happy people with everything going well for them. I hope they stay happy.

Bitterness and jealousy is too consuming. Try and fill your time with life off social media doing something that gives you enjoyment and peace. It might make it easier to be around the real life people who have the perfect life.

Yes I feel the same way sometimes but not jealous, it's more sadness it's not me rather jealous it's them.

I try to remember hard times dont last forever, you will get your own 'perfect' in another way or form

Me too! It feels really bad to me too. I do sex and relationship therapy, so there is an assumption by many that I have all my shit sorted, that my relationship is perfect. My kids are pretty fucking fabulous, but as lovely as they appear, they are children.

The baby is so chilled sometimes, maybe mostly, but honestly, wild other times. No-one would even have a clue because she is such a wee sweetheart mostly, but then totally fucking wild. A kicking, biting, scatching, screaming wee frenzy that has me so stressed at times. The biting and scratching is so painful!

My older dc is amazing, but has their own issues.

My dp and I have the same shit as others. Our communication is not perfect. We have difficulties and we have misunderstandings etc. Maybe it feels even worse because I am supposed to have all the strategies, I teach them and I do try, but sometimes my dp says "don't do therapy on me". But to me, that is just talking. We have things to navigate, like everyone else.

It is easy to look at others from the outside. You are comparing their show face, to your vulnerability. Apples to pears!

There's no such thing as perfect, but some people really do live overall good lives. Anyone saying otherwise is doing it to make themselves/someone else feel better about it.

Some people are smarter, richer, prettier etc etc than others, and yes, some people so have better lives.

I know someone who's very wealthy who has problems just like the rest do us. But her life is generally better, she has a private GP a WhatsApp away, travels private jet/first class at the very least, has beautiful children, lovely husband, lots of support (because money can buy that) and as a result is well-rested and has time to focus on the regular problems that the rest of us just have to slog though.

No.

I'm a single parent with 2DC, 1 of whose additional needs have a significant impact on all of us (both themselves, me and other DC). I'd love to have been able to stay in a relationship with their Dad, and navigated through life as a family unit, but it wasn't to be.

I don't envy those of my age who've been fortunate enough to have been married for 10 years plus, with lovely DC; I'm sure they all have their own struggles.

BUT so many of the people claiming that are talking utter rubbish. I have mates who literally post on insta then tell me that it's not true

I was like this, then started feeling unhappy with my own life. So I came off ALL SM. Been 10 months now and the positive impact it’s had on me is unreal. It’s also given me headspace to focus on what matters, even the shit stuff. I have nothing to prove with the outside world, and if people don’t want to talk to me due to me not following social media norms, they aren’t worth knowing. I’d be happy in a tent with a tray of cheap chips, watching my children argue then be best friends whilst my other half dances around to his headphones, knowing we were all happy, than be somewhere expensive, not speaking, taking many photos to upload on to FB etc, and be more or less a fraud. I don’t even take many photos anymore. My memory’s are in my head. I suspect some (not all) people who portray their “perfect” lives on SM are in some way jealous of others who do things much more simpler!!

(I think that was a quite bad use of English at the end lol, but you know what I mean)

Not everyone is secretly miserable. I mean i'm NC with my mum and LC with one of my sisters but my husband and kids are pretty much perfect.

My life is pretty perfect.

Some people would think it wasn’t because I had a family member die young, I ended up in a physically and financially abusive relationship, married the wrong person, drifted through jobs, have a sibling who is estranged to me, and spent years paring the penalty of having been near bankruptcy.

But I now have a house, a nice partner, good friends, children who know how to behave in front of others (even if they argue at home), and I find satisfaction in work, gardening and TV. That seems pretty bloody perfect to me.

It’s important not to dwell on the past, to seek your joy in the present, and to not compare your life with others.

My mum is also very jealous of everyone else’s family life. I’ve had a rift with my sister which isn’t good and continues never to go in the right direction. But as I keep saying to her nobody knows what goes on outside that social media facade. What I’ve realised is that everyone goes through bad times, up until my sister did something very unpleasant everyone would have seen our extended family as being idyllic. It can happen to anyone and don’t believe what you read.

Some people genuinely are much more fortunate than others.

I don't think anyone has a "perfect" life or a "perfect" family, and obviously many people have hidden struggles. But there's no denying that life isn't fair.

The only advice I can think of (if you're feeling less lucky than those around you) is to focus on the positives in your life, work with what you've got, and try to make life a bit better for someone else as well as for yourself. Obviously all these are MASSIVE cliches. But that doesn't stop them being true.

Some people do seem to live charmed lives. Others seem to get all the bad luck. Obviously beneath the surface all is not as it seems, but often it is! Whatever the reality, everyone experiences ups and downs and challenges of life and family.
I guess what you're saying is that beyond this, this family do seem to overall have a lovely life. In this case, I think you need to focus heavily on gratitude for what you do have. Without knowing your circumstances, it's hard to give specific examples but could you maybe focus on a small area of your life and work at making it look and feel the best it can do. Perhaps looking after your body, investing in a marriage or friendship, developing an interest or making positive career changes?
I get your point, but it's also important to remember that everyone struggles and everyone can make small changes to improve something about their setup. Have a go and come.back and update us with your progress big or small!

I learned a long time ago not to look at others I perceive as living a better life than me. Instead I think of how lucky I am to live in a country with the NHS and social housing, amongst other things. I think of the people who are so desperate to live in the country I live in they risk their lives trying to get here. I think of the people who are trafficked and led into a life of exploitation. I think of the disenfranchised homeless who use drugs and alcohol to cope with life. I have a friend who earns a lot of money, lives in a biggish house with his fiancé and they travel a lot. But inside he just wants his parents to be proud of him but they never are, no matter what he achieves. he finds his job stressful and difficult but he is now in the lifestyle trap. I have nothing in material terms, but I have been single for 16 years and feel happy in myself. I am self employed so have nobody to answer to but myself. I have an adult son with ASD so we claim some benefits. But I wouldn’t swap my life for anyone else’s.