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Original poster

Jealous of perfect families

81 replies

JaneyGee · 30/08/2023 18:20

Do you ever feel jealous of other people's families? Today, a guy at work showed me some photos of his family. He is happily married, with two boys and a girl. His eldest has just got engaged, the middle child is at university studying biochemistry, and the youngest is going to Cambridge this Autumn to study Italian and French. He showed me photos of them on holiday – all happy and tanned and loving. It was a real stab to the heart.

I don't want to go into details, but my own family is far from perfect, and I look to the future with dread. The man I mentioned is lovely btw, and wasn't showing off or trying to rub my nose in it. I have met his wife, who is very nice, and two of his kids, who both seemed very sweet. They are good people. And it's people like that who hold everything together. But part of me bitterly resents their happiness. I feel the same when I go on social media. I really hate this bitter, jealous streak, but don't know what to do about it. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
DiaNaranja · 30/08/2023 19:13

Appearances are quite often deceiving op...
I know my PIL brag about their "well rounded grown up kids who have lovely houses, good jobs, and beautiful children", which to be honest is all true on the surface, and any picture perfect photos would tell the same story. But the reality is far from it. Me and DH have had an awful couple of years, aren't getting on at all, and I know my husband's sister has had alot of problems of late, her husband has had a mental breakdown, and one of their kids has got alot of issues going on. Me and DH won't split due to financial implications, and I guess, deep set embarrassment of tarnishing the perfect family facade we've been led to believe is so important. It's sad, and I hate when people comment on how "beautiful" our family is, as I just feel like a fraud. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and absolutely no one is perfect.

ForthegracegoI · 30/08/2023 19:14

There's no such thing OP. I know quite a lot of wealthy, high achieving families who look quite perfect on the surface. Since I've got to know them better I find that they have all the same troubles and difficulties that the rest of us do - mental health struggles, relationship problems, financial issues, everything. Some of them are such a mess despite how good they look on the surface. First impressions aren't all they are cracked up to be.

xyz111 · 30/08/2023 19:16

Social media only ever shows the highlights. I'll put on there what a amazing day I've had out with my DH and DS. But I don't put on there that me and DH shouted at each other before we'd even left the house. My DS was moaning the whole way in the car as it was sooooo faaarrrrr aaawwwaaaayy. My DS keep wanting to go to the play area. The heavy rain we got caught in. But yeah, we had an amazing day according to social media 🤣🤣

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Families
Legomania · 30/08/2023 19:19

No-one's family is perfect, of course, but I can't stand the MN narrative that most of the happy families are secretly miserable because a) it's not true and b) why not use the comparison positively, by focusing on any changes you can make/good things about your own life

DollyPartum · 30/08/2023 19:19

My life was like that until my DH was diagnosed with a horrible illness. Life is a rollercoaster.

thecatsthecats · 30/08/2023 19:22

NuNameNuMe · 30/08/2023 18:23

Don't compare your inside with his outside

Alternatively, maybe his life is just what it seems?

But he didn't steal having a happy life from the OP. And perhaps it helps to look at another life to throw your own into relief, and know that you want things to change.

frozendaisy · 30/08/2023 19:25

Doesn't this come down to feeding into, if you tick this this and this box your life is perfect.

Life has, and will always be messy.

The concept of happiness and perfection is a recent creation probably by Ad-Men. Buy this, go on this holiday, buy this car, then and only then you will be happy.

Saying this, this family might have hit the jackpot, of decent grown kids, going off in the world, happy marriage, instead of jealously, if you have kids, I would have asked for advice. As, how did you get your kids to self motivate with homework when YouTube beckons.

Learn from successful people.

surreygirl1987 · 30/08/2023 20:02

*I’ve had people say they’re jealous of my perfect family and life.

I don’t have a perfect family or life.*

Same! People think I have the perfect life but really it's a carcrash!

Original poster
JaneyGee · 30/08/2023 20:11

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/08/2023 18:57

There is no such thing as perfect, as you must surely understand OP?

Oh, for sure. It's strange though – I know social media is mostly bullshit, yet it still gets to me (I have to go on it for work).

OP posts:
Original poster
JaneyGee · 30/08/2023 20:14

Terraria · 30/08/2023 18:37

I can relate but I feel more worry than jealous.

It's tiring to keep telling yourself 'it could be worse', 'they are far from perfect' etc when clearly they are much more blessed than we are.

Yes, that's a very good point. I'm the same. Thinking about it, it isn't so much jealousy as worry and fear. I don't begrudge the guy I described his happiness. Like I said, I've met his family and they are nice people. It would be vile of me to wish harm or pain on them. It isn't so much that I want to take their happiness away, more that their happiness (and the happiness of other families) scares me. It brings home to me how isolated and alone I really am. I do have family, but it's pretty dysfunctional.

OP posts:
WhisperingHi · 30/08/2023 20:23

You never see it all OP. Ever.

His wife may have crippling depression. He may have issues with his in-laws. She may have had an affair at some point. They may have debt worries. They may have had past fertility issues. One of his kids could end up in the wrong path. Illness could strike. The list could go on.

They're life isn't and won't stay perfect. You won't know all of him, you know what he is sharing.

I stepped back from social media long ago for this very reason. I was jealous and worried my life didn't match up. I realise now it was absolute bullshit. In fact, those who post a lot are often covering big cracks.

Try to be grateful for what you have. That's the only way of being truly happy.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 30/08/2023 20:30

I could show you my Facebook page or my photo album and you would think my family is perfect x
But what about the daily autistic meltdowns,the school refusal,the trauma trying to get a child with sensory processing disorder to eat,the bedtimes that take hours,the screaming when i have to wash my children or comb there hair 😩.
People only share the good and hide the bad xx you are not alone x

Powderherface · 30/08/2023 21:17

I don't think any family is "perfect" and social media portrays a very skewed picture.

One small example - I was in a shop several months ago and heard late-primary aged children whining very loudly and demanding one thing after another and generally being really annoying, entitled, and stopping just short of a tantrum. When I came around the corner in the shop, I was horrified to realise I knew the parents, although had not met the children. Because the children were being obnoxious, I thought the parents would be embarrassed if I approached them, so I quickly left the shop and said nothing. That evening I saw the parents post with pictures on social media of their wonderful day, with the children looking like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths. I would never have thought the children in the shop were the same ones as those in the pictures if I had not seen them in the shop myself.

continentallentil · 30/08/2023 21:21

Well you feel how you feel, and while no one’s life is perfect, of course some people are in better situations than others.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling a bit sad in this instance, but don’t allow a fleeting feeling to set up camp in your heart or it will rob of you of your own joy.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/08/2023 21:31

My friend has what looks like the perfect family Two dc who never put a foot wrong, studied hard, very sporty, high flying jobs and now two partners who are the exact same. All genuinely lovely. Herself and her dh are very happy together, comfortably off etc. They have very little extended family and she envies me my mad lrish family with tons of siblings/ nephews/ nieces etc who are all great but there is constantly some crisis or other and a lot of people so many worries. She would, she thinks, all the get together and fun. She has a fantasy of our lives while l look at her neat little world and think...its so perfect.

girlfriend44 · 30/08/2023 21:32

Stop being silly and enjoy your life. You have no idea what is round the corner for him and his family and neither does he.

girlfriend44 · 30/08/2023 21:32

Stop being silly and enjoy your life. You have no idea what is round the corner for him and his family and neither does he.

Catsnap · 30/08/2023 21:40

You can never know what’s going on in someone else’s life completely. The snapshot was just a mere instant in someone else’s life. Life isn’t meant to be perfect or happy. Most people’s lives are a patchwork of interesting experiences. Perfection is a somewhat static state, because when you have it, then what?

dottypotter · 30/08/2023 21:47

JaneyGee · 30/08/2023 20:14

Yes, that's a very good point. I'm the same. Thinking about it, it isn't so much jealousy as worry and fear. I don't begrudge the guy I described his happiness. Like I said, I've met his family and they are nice people. It would be vile of me to wish harm or pain on them. It isn't so much that I want to take their happiness away, more that their happiness (and the happiness of other families) scares me. It brings home to me how isolated and alone I really am. I do have family, but it's pretty dysfunctional.

Show quote history

Do you think you are alone having a dysfunctional Family?

Worry about your health more than anything because that is the most important thing in your life.

Nobody knows what round the corner.

GG1986 · 30/08/2023 21:53

I used to work with someone who judging by her Facebook photos and the holidays she took looked like the perfect family, actually behind closed doors her husband was repeatedly cheating on her and wasn't a great dad to the children. She was miserable, but hid it so well. She eventually left him.

Spottywombat · 30/08/2023 21:53

My lovely neighbour has this sort of family. She still takes antidepressants, so there must be more going on. No-one has a perfect life.

The other family I used to think was amazing has had some terrible stuff happen.

Fix your own life.

CostedStrikeRate · 30/08/2023 21:54

If you're prone to envy and competitiveness, others can sense that. And it can cause them to pull away from you. Which means they are less likely to tell you about the nuance and difficulty of their lives.

bingabad · 30/08/2023 21:57

There is someone out there jealous of your family op.

GlitteryGreen · 30/08/2023 22:00

I understand. My family is 'blended' (hate that term!) and while it's fab at times, it does add an extra layer of complication to everything, eg. what we do over Christmas, when we can celebrate birthdays, what's fair for one vs another, when/how we holiday etc etc.

I often look at my friends in more conventional set-ups and think how lucky they are not to have additional layers to consider, even though I know they'll all have their own problems as well.

WandaWonder · 30/08/2023 22:02

People should own the choices they make but I can't be jealous of anyone because how on earth does anyone really know what goes on, sure you make see a tiny bit of someone's life and if general you judge on that you are the one with the issues not them