Things you and DP say to each other that would baffle or horrify others!

[NutSmeg]

Example 1:
We had my in-laws staying over the BH weekend. As I always do, when I left the house on Saturday morning for my PT session I said to DP "Right, off to my affair".

It's from Peep Show - 2:22-2:30

DP told me that my in-laws were completely confused by the interaction. They grilled him about my comment for 20-minutes after I'd left about whether he thinks I actually am having an affair.

Example 2:
I have DP saved in my phone as "Chubby Hubby". I'm saved in DP's phone as "Hench Wench". My friend thinks we are incredibly disrespectful to each other and has even hinted that we need marriage counseling.

Example 3:
I'm a bit of a dawdler, especially in supermarkets. I'm a competent, capable, professional woman in my 30s but I turn into a bloody toddler in the supermarket. I have to look at all the bread, all the crisps, all the fruit. I don't know what happens to me as soon as I enter a supermarket.
DP indulges me but when I'm taking too long, he'll say "Get here now, Wench". It's in a jokey voice, never loudly, through pretend gritted teeth while pointing his finger at the spot right in front of him. It's our signal that I need to get a fucking move on. It works.

A few weeks ago, DP did this to me just as a woman was rounding the corner on a mobility scooter. She looked totally bemused.

Please tell me your examples of bizarre interactions between you and DP that others would struggle to understand!

I do this too. But DH's response is always "I would if you'd just agree to the divorce"

I often ask dp if he is texting his girlfriend. It’s actually his bil who he does a hobby with. He just rolls his eyes at me.

we do call eachother names. He calls me twat face, to which I usually respond that I am not a twat face, it’s that he is a massive cunt. Though he would never do it in front of my dad. While my Dad and Dp do have similar back and forth and my Dads sense of humour is similar, not sure Dad would see the funny side. It’s like you can moan about a relative, but no one else can type of thing.

Dps mum would probably just agree if I said Dp was a massive cunt. 😂😂

Oh and we do the usual ‘your girlfriend in on the TV’ when someone comes on I know he finds attractive.

and he does the same. A few years ago, his sister was round when soccer aid came on. When Ben shepherd came on the pitch I was in the kitchen. Dp shouted ‘your boyfriend is on’ and I went in the room and he took over cooking. His sister found it quite funny.

I am wife number 4, I often say to him 'am I your best wife so far though?'

The family one is that if DM starts a conversation about 'your father...' we have to chorus 'if, indeed, he is our father....'

That's caused a couple of raised eyebrows.

Pet names of mofo or mother fucker or fuckface. We also often use the C word to each other. It sounds awful written down but don't even notice we're doing it anymore!

My 16 year old is now in on it too. She likes to flip the finger as a form of affection. Weirdly my 14 year old doesn't routinely swear in front of us and I'd be shocked if she did. I don't know why, it makes no sense!

We are in our late 30s/early 40s and we still do that stupid 'your mum thing' so one of us will just randomly say 'look how big or dirty this is' and the other retorts 'your mums big/dirty'
Immature but we laugh.

We use all sorts of apparently abusive terms to each other. Most recently, I've just got my bus pass (can't believe I'm that old) and DH is now calling me Bus Wanker (from the Inbetweeners). So I'm calling him Car Wanker.

Jimmy 🤣🤣

It’s been almost 5 hours, and I can’t believe no one else has commented about your husband being married 4 times! Am I on MN?! 🤣

My husband calls me 'wifey' and I love it. However, when he shouts to me across the supermarket or shop, we get some inquisitive, funny looks from other shoppers!

I introduce my husband (my only husband so far) as
‘This is DH name, my first husband’

Usually ours relate to some random YouTube video literally nobody else on the planet has watched except us.

Me and DH regularly call each other names such as penis, ballbag, Pube etc. it's just our sense of humour and it's all done in jest.

We have a running joke about DH having a second family. The first time I went round his house, he was showing me round and said I couldn't go into the spare room as that's where his wife and kids were hiding (in actual fact the room was piled high with crap). Second family are blamed for things going missing, his habit of just leaving things everywhere and random noises in the house.

We also tell each other to "shut your whore mouth" and (at nothing in particular) "gasp it's you! You're the racist!." I am white and DH is British-Indian - he's a big fan of doing this one in public. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Me and husband have very dark humour and we spend most of our time laughing together. When feeling like saying we love eachother it goes like this:
Me to DH: you're a cunt but your my cunt
DH back to me: thank you baby, you're a bitch but you're my bitch.
It's not an abusive thing, it's actually us making eachother laugh whilst declaring how much we love eachother 🤣 have had many hilarious looks from people when been overheard 🤣🤣🤣🤣

"I'll pay Abner' comes from my first job waiting outside the canteen found myself always stood behind this couple and she would always say I'll pay Abner' I'll pay it became a family saying when ever there was a who is going to pay discussion.

Another one "I've got everything to do and a wedding to go to" said on morning of rushing about this one is trotted out every time sm in a race to get out of the house

Oh I remembered one. We were on holiday and there was a mini disco run by the Czech kids club so we clearly didn’t understand the words but part of the actions looked like they were warning you not to drink in case you needed CPR

So now if one of us ever mentions going out for a drink the other will say “that’s probably not a good idea, remember what the Czech ladies said, you don’t want to go needing to be revived”

Whenever a thread like this comes up, I'm extremely glad to be single!

"Would you like to service my tea towel holder tonight?"

Nearly spat my coffee out!! Can't decide if I want to cry laughing or vomit at that comment! 😂

An old boy who lived in our village would end a conversation with, 'I've got to go now and bath the missus'!.

when we lived in our old house in canada , we had two cars. If I was out with him in his car, when we pulled in the driveway I would say "fuck !! your wife is home!" he would say "gimme a minute I will get rid of the bitch, send her to the grocery store to buy something for my dinner if the lazy bitch can be bothered to cook!"

We are overly formal

'Madam, could I furnish you with a delightful hot beverage' 'Sir, could you grab the victuals and bring them upstairs' 'Miss Pigsear, could you come to the pantry posthaste' Mr Pigsear you are in a frothy good humour this evening' and so on.....

We have been doing this for 20 odd years and we can get quite frilly and silly in our replies.

DH and I sometimes indulge in a bit of:

• Oi! Drizzle! … Fuck off!
• No! YOU fuck off!
• No! YOU fuck off!

With mad faces and very aggressive voices.

He often gets the middle finger when politely asking if I could get him X while I’m getting one for myself, and if he is picky or critical about me leaving the lights on or something, I will prance about flicking the Vs with both hands while pulling a special goblin face behind them.