Things you and DP say to each other that would baffle or horrify others!

[NutSmeg]

Example 1:
We had my in-laws staying over the BH weekend. As I always do, when I left the house on Saturday morning for my PT session I said to DP "Right, off to my affair".

It's from Peep Show - 2:22-2:30

DP told me that my in-laws were completely confused by the interaction. They grilled him about my comment for 20-minutes after I'd left about whether he thinks I actually am having an affair.

Example 2:
I have DP saved in my phone as "Chubby Hubby". I'm saved in DP's phone as "Hench Wench". My friend thinks we are incredibly disrespectful to each other and has even hinted that we need marriage counseling.

Example 3:
I'm a bit of a dawdler, especially in supermarkets. I'm a competent, capable, professional woman in my 30s but I turn into a bloody toddler in the supermarket. I have to look at all the bread, all the crisps, all the fruit. I don't know what happens to me as soon as I enter a supermarket.
DP indulges me but when I'm taking too long, he'll say "Get here now, Wench". It's in a jokey voice, never loudly, through pretend gritted teeth while pointing his finger at the spot right in front of him. It's our signal that I need to get a fucking move on. It works.

A few weeks ago, DP did this to me just as a woman was rounding the corner on a mobility scooter. She looked totally bemused.

Please tell me your examples of bizarre interactions between you and DP that others would struggle to understand!

Most of ours relate to the 90's comedy series The Mary Whitehouse Experience.

If we're driving along a road and see someone doing something unusual. I'll say " See that woman? That's your girlfriend, that is! She wants to marry you "

Yes to " I've never been here with you sweetie you must have brought your wife" type comments with exh.

Our joint humour is the thing I miss most!

I have mobility problems and he calls me his little spazz or spazzymodo
I often call him knobhead 😂

When we leave the house leaving the other one at home we yell "spit" ( short for "see you in a bit") or "moscovia" ("I really must go now")

My lovely DH started rounding up the amount of time we've been together, unfortunately he also started getting younger in this new telling (I'm 3 years older) and has started cracking jokes about how I used to 'pick him up from school' 🙄 and I like to gently rib him about being the only one in his entirely Scottish family to have been born in Essex. Not that there's anything wrong with Essex, I'm sure it's lovely, but he's very proud of his Scottishness so being able to call him my Essex boy is hilarious, to me anyway 😂😂😂. We also meow at each other. Call each other various names (weapon, tool, knobhead etc) and have a whole host of other cutesy, vomit inducing pet names for each other so it balances out.

My husband takes the piss out of my weight and I regularly joke that we need cash so I would pimp him out but nobody would pay for him.

We plan heists together, down to the last detail 😎

I often say to DP
"Don't take it out on me because you've got no hair"

Guitar Twat.

Started after he'd been in a right state and thought I would dump him for admitting vulnerability - 'I'm so sorry, I've been a Complete Twat, haven't I?' 'Yes, you have, but you're my Twat and I love you'. Then he overheard me when we were on tour and I was having a laugh with the drummer and soundman about guitar twats.

I've never checked his phone to see what I'm under. I always imagined he'd probably allocate a ringtone along the lines of Ride of the Valkyrie Kill the Wabbit to my number.

I think the most baffling thing to some is that we spend so much time together without wanting to kill one another, but put us in a rehearsal room together, we're arguing within about five minutes. Because we're not in a relationship at that point, we're two individuals arguing about whether there should be a root note there. (The answer is no. It's a diminished 5th for good reason).

We call each other dickhead. But he’s MY dickhead. And I’m his.

If one of us asks the other to do something, like put the kettle on, we’ll go “no, fuck off”. Then the other will say “no you fuck off”. Then the other will go “no YOU fuck off” and so on. This comes from overhearing my neighbour having a very drunken middle of the night argument with someone where they just told each other to fuck off for about 10 minutes. It was hilarious 😂

7 years is not a age gap

I’m not sure how else I could possibly explain something so simple in a way that you might understand, but a gap between two ages is…an age gap

The cat next door always sits on our car bonnet and doesn’t move if we go in and try to set off. So we sit there like plonkers til he moves or try to shoo him away because we don’t want to hurt him! He just stares back knowing he’s won 🤣

The cat has a name but we refer to him between us 2 as Fat Ginger Bastard. We sometimes forget in polite company and more than once we’ve had people look confused when we’ve said “The Fat Ginger Bastard is on our car again”. I have a friend who brought her new BF over to meet us, we all were 3 sheets to the wind, DH went to take bins out and came back in saying FGB was at it again. Then realised friend’s new BF is ginger

After 47 years together, Beloved and I speak in a kind of code. Today, I asked her what was for dinner, and she replied "Frog and dog".

I knew exactly what she meant.

I’m a feminist, not the fun type, and as a whole family we’re very strict about never talking about appearances, weight, aging etc. However if I ever say anything out of character about my appearance- should I get Botox, look at their £15000 coat DH will say-
“you can have it if you have your tits done”

Me and DH say drop dead in place of cheers. It’s always made us laugh but we have to be careful of who’s around when we say it to avoid being side - eyed!

Anytime someone jokes about affairs, we both put on a gobbled cockney accent, stare inanely ant the floor and simultaneously say; “I’m chance’d be a fine thing” to the bemusement of whoever we’re with!
Another one we do is when one of us says have a good day or something along those lines, we lift a reply from Bottom which is “The same to you with brass knobs on you steaming great twat!” So often, one of us is saying that out the back door as the other leaves for work. Our poor neighbours!!

People can be quite rude and nosey about this sort of thing.
A couple of years ago me and DP were in asda chatting about something quite boring but using some of our 'weird' words and a woman said 'what ARE you talking about?' She stood in front of me and stared until I stuttered out something about cats and the utility room in our new house. She said 'oh, is that all? I thought it might be interesting' and walked off.
Pretty sure I wasn't the weird one that day.

If there's reference to caravan holidays I'll say something like 'rather not get murdered, thanks' as we found out that my DP's great great grandfather murdered his partner in a (traditional gypsy) caravan. A member of my family did once overhear me say this and was 😮😮 when I explained.

When he rings me I answer sometimes saying 'what do you want bitch?'

We both have a really dark sense of humour so we say worse things to each other but it always makes us laugh.

If my DH calls to tell me he’s coming home early, I usually say “I’d better tell Jason Momoa to clear off then. Can’t you wait???”
In the supermarket, I asked him if something was on TV that night and was told that it wasn’t. I sighed melodramatically and said “Oh well… I guess we’ll just have to talk to each other again. Boring!!!” And I received a lecture from an older lady about being disrespectful and missing him one day. He still quotes her years later to give me shit.

Whenever DH asks me where something is (so about 10,000 times a day) I always say ‘up your bum’. He’s not from my neck of the woods so it’s just now dawning on me that he doesn’t know this is short for ‘up your bum on the second shelf’…

Our family all say ‘come along, Leonard’ offendedly (from Catherine Tate) when waiting for each other. This was fine until my DS acquired a best friend called Leonard. He always looks flustered and confused when we forget he’s here

Yeah but it didn’t happen did it.

DH can be a bit forgetful about taking his pills in the morning. So I have to remind him (he's fine on work days, its weekends and holidays). If he's remembered to take them he replies along the lines off "don't worry, I won't get pregnant!" If he's forgotten I het to remind him he doesn't want to get pregnant.

After every argument I joke that I was considering burying him under the patio.

Well he thinks it’s a joke.

My standard reply whenever my husband is going out and asks me what I’m going to do:

’Get my fancy man round’

We do this. The other day I was out and rang DH and he asked what time I thought I'd be home so that he "can make sure all the women have left".