Things you and DP say to each other that would baffle or horrify others!

[NutSmeg]

Example 1:
We had my in-laws staying over the BH weekend. As I always do, when I left the house on Saturday morning for my PT session I said to DP "Right, off to my affair".

It's from Peep Show - 2:22-2:30

DP told me that my in-laws were completely confused by the interaction. They grilled him about my comment for 20-minutes after I'd left about whether he thinks I actually am having an affair.

Example 2:
I have DP saved in my phone as "Chubby Hubby". I'm saved in DP's phone as "Hench Wench". My friend thinks we are incredibly disrespectful to each other and has even hinted that we need marriage counseling.

Example 3:
I'm a bit of a dawdler, especially in supermarkets. I'm a competent, capable, professional woman in my 30s but I turn into a bloody toddler in the supermarket. I have to look at all the bread, all the crisps, all the fruit. I don't know what happens to me as soon as I enter a supermarket.
DP indulges me but when I'm taking too long, he'll say "Get here now, Wench". It's in a jokey voice, never loudly, through pretend gritted teeth while pointing his finger at the spot right in front of him. It's our signal that I need to get a fucking move on. It works.

A few weeks ago, DP did this to me just as a woman was rounding the corner on a mobility scooter. She looked totally bemused.

Please tell me your examples of bizarre interactions between you and DP that others would struggle to understand!

Every member of my immediate family gets called butthead at least once a day by each of us. It's silly and all said in jest, confuses the wider family.

I have given names and identities to all my husband's different personae...there's Colonel Bullivant (shouty and dictatorial), who makes an appearance when someone leaves the lid off the milk, there's Smollet (a sly, obsequious butler who rubs his hands a lot) who comes out when he's around his mother, there's Pargeter, who is indecisive and stuttery but sweet (he pops up a lot in supermarkets) and Corporal Crapshitt...the less said about him the better. He has been known to leave his wallet in the fridge.

It sounds AWFUL but it makes him laugh. He is equally brutal with me. We have been together since we were 18 (married 24 years, two adult kids) and we know each other very very well.

Mainly Partridge-isms or things from Gavin and Stacey,

Most recently -

If one of us asks how the other is answer with "De Edge is Foine" in a bad Irish accent (I'm so sorry Irish MNers, we don't intend it as disrespect)

He calls me Sugar Tits
We often do "You slaaaaag", to each other also

Glad to see it isn't just us

I'm 'er Indoors or Moppo - from 'dollymop', a Victorian slang for prostitute. Luckily we share the same sense of humour

I feel you should be quite pleased with sugar tits. My husband regularly references my 'dirty pillows'

I’m saved in his phone as “Smelly Bitch” 😂

I like to remind him of the 7 year age gap between us and call him a dirty old man/cradle snatcher/Jimmy.

He subtly points out women/men that he knows I will find attractive and tells me that my ‘future ex wife/husband is over there’ (he’s never been wrong)

Add to that the times I poke his belly and ask when he’s due, and people probably think we are in some toxic, abusive relationship but 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

We do much the same. If he asks what time I’m going to be back I say tell your gf to be away by halfpast so I can get on thr drive. He says he’ll call when he’s on the way back so I can tell my bf to get dressed, I say it’s fine, he’s young so can jump the garden fence and run. I also refer to him as my first husband which confuses more people that it amuses.

Sometimes if DH mentions other women, (doesn't even have to be in a complimentary way e.g... "Emily from work is organising a staff party"), I will say "Why don't you just marry her then?" He always, without fail, does a sad face and replies "I asked but she said no". Always makes us both giggle, but I'm sure others would be confused by why we find it funny.

'I often get a shout of "get a move on you slag" from my husband'

😂
I get 'shut yer face' in a very particular tone of voice

Ours are maybe the rudest and most insulting, but we’ve been together 30 years so can’t be bad:

Him: Put the kettle on
Me: I’m not your bitch
Him: But you are though
Me: Fair enough

Every time one of us enters the room:
Alright you: slag/bitch/arsehole/cunt/wankpuffin/cheese dick? 😂

Tell each other to fuck off at least twenty times a day.

And every day with fail - Do you know what I love about you? Nothing.

Also frequently pat his large belly and ask when it’s due. We do love each other I promise!

My dad used to walk the dog every night and mum would say he had gone dogging. She knew it had another meaning but so far as she was concerned it was a bit naughty and funny. All very well for a family joke but a little surprising for the volunteer coordinator who rang looking for him one evening.

I have a bag that I carry up and downstairs with my phone and Kindle every morning and night and I call it my groilly bag and its contents are my groillies (This is Jinsy reference). We also "do things with much do" such as going shopping with much shop, or cooking with much cook.

Such fun

Me and my friend go dogging a couple of times a week.

DH and I have been together for over 2 decades and we met in my hometown.
It's known for its proliferation of crack use.
We would often see crackheads outside the window of the flat I lived in when we met, up to no good, getting into all manner of messes.

It became an in joke (due to our admittedly black comedy sense of humour) that anytime we forgot something, or had a minor ailment, we would say "that'll be the crack" or "you want to lay off the crack".

It only became an issue when we moved somewhere up the country very posh. We were in Sainsbury's and I got the trolley caught on something and DH said "that's all the crack you did last night."

Queue some old lady who looked at me with disgust, and clearly went to tell a member of staff about crackheads near the naice ham of Sainsbury's. Luckily the staff member found it amusing when we explained.

We do this too!

We don't do baby or sweetie.

Love these! Dh and I have been together 20+ years are well spoken and never swear to anyone. However, our own we are terrible.

for example, if one of us drops something accidently, we will say something along the lines of "what a twatty cunt" or "what an absolute cock". Always followed by a grin.

The children think we are offended terribly by swearing - they would be horrified if they knew.

I often 'hump' him when he bends over to empty the dishwasher/makes the bed etc

We are also in our 50's and should know better.

This is brilliant 😂😂😂

Me and my DH say stuff like this. I'll l say to him where's the Kit Kat I left in the fridge and he'll say.. My other other girlfriend ate it while you were out.
Or if I catch him looking at my phone while I'm texting I'll say can you piss off I'm talking to my affair boyfriend.
TMI but yesterday morning having sex and he told me to open my eyes (was super early don't judge) and I said.. I don't want too I'm thinking about Bruce Willis. Took it to far, he was abit annoyed.

😂❤️

We call each other Arsehole, Shit-face, Farty Arty, Bum Face and plenty more. We rarely use our proper names.

We call each other ‘drear’ from Fungus the Bogeyman that was on TV about 8 years ago 😆
Might have to do another name change now…

Ex DP and I used to have " fat cxxt Friday"s; involved getting a takeaway and eating loads of junk whilst watching utter shite on TV. On a Friday. It was fun.

"The trouble with you is you've got NO FUCKING CLASS" shouted quite loudly, quite often. Lifted from a memorable episode of Wife Swap when the two couples got together in a pub at the end of the show and declared robustly by one wife to the other.

I was once speaking to a sweet little Italian old lady at a wedding . I asked where she was from "Milan " she replied "do you know it ?" "Yes" my husband replied with a completely straight face " My wife was in prison there for a while " We do this to each other a lot .

This made me really chuckle. Especially the kids thinking you'd be terribly offended.