SCHOOL REPORTS FOR EVERYTHING

[SlightlyJaded]

School Report
Name: August
Score: C+

Summary:

As often happens, August started well and we had great hopes for success, but sadly it soon became clear that August had no intention of putting the work in. A lacklustre performance with little to no moments of note. Several days of rain – including very heavy rain – is just one example of how August completely failed to rise to the challenge of being ‘peak summer month’ and as a result caused a great deal of un-necessary and expensive distress to those who had barbeques, weddings, festivals, camping and other seasonal plans. As ever, we had high expectations, and it was made very clear to August that prime events were planned within its month specifically on account of its boastful reputation and excellent historical performance. August has let a great many people down, although no one more so than itself.

It's clear that August would do well to look to fellow months – June in particular – who set fine examples of how to operate and over-delivered and out-performed August at every step of the way.

All in all, a really disappointing show, with little regard for the expectations of such a highly regarded time of year.

August will have to do considerably better next year.

I feel much better for that. I will also be school reporting my piece of shit toaster when I have the energy.

Anyone else?

School Repot
Name: Toaster
Score: D+

Summary

Toaster has under-performed since arriving. Hugely disappointing to us all as reports and overall appearance were very promising. Users feel that Toaster is not really making any effort to toast sides evenly and has a very sporadic way of working. In addition, there have been reports of occasions where Toaster failed to pop up, despite very clear instructions to do so.

As you know, we run a zero-tolerance policy and any appliance performing below par will have a very limited opportunity to improve before sanctions are imposed. The only reason that Toaster is still with us, is that it's young age is being taken into account - teething problems can happen and we will support our younger learners as long as we see quick improvements. Toaster should spend the remainder of the summer holidays considering it's future and deciding if it really wants to fully engage and put the required effort it.

We will review Toaster around mid-September and should there be no improvement, I suspect the Head of Department, will think very seriously about exclusion. I'm sorry that this report is harsh but hope that this will bee seen as fair warning and that Toaster will rise to the challenge.

Anyone? Surely there are others that need to 'pull their socks up'?

These are brilliant 😂 I hope toaster makes it past September! Wholeheartedly agree with August’s report although C+ was a slightly generous grade!

Toaster is on Weekly Report.

Do feel free to grade anyone or anything that has under-performed @Friggingfrog It really is in their best interests to know that their behaviour is not going un-noticed.

OP these are genuis, you are very funny!
I agree with you, school reports for everything!
I would try but mine would pale in comparison to yours.
I'll mull it over and see if I can think of anything good.

Name: Bathroom sink (Sink)

Grade: D

After a promising start to the year, recently Sink does not appear to be performing to its full potential. Sink is happy to carry out some of the lighter duties expected of it such as draining itself when the tap is on for short bursts of time. Sadly, Sink cannot apply itself for longer bursts of time and often refuses to drain in if its taps are not turned off immediately. This stubborn behaviour results in difficulty for those around Sink who are dependent on it.

A lot of effort has gone into supporting Sink with its issues - these include drain unblocker, pipe cleaning and dismantling and regular cleaning. Sink sometimes seems to pick up after it receives input and then reverts back to its usual negative state. Sometimes Sink is in cahoots with Shower who is very influenced by Sink and likes to copy its behaviour. Both Sink and Shower would benefit from taking note of the behaviour of Toilet who works hard and at an expected level each day.

Going forward, it is hoped that Sink applies itself more and delivers more consistency in expected behaviours to benefit those around it. Sadly, if these behaviours are not seen, Sink will need to be assessed and treated by Plumber which will likely be an unpleasant experience for Sink. This will be reviewed in 4 weeks time.

School Report
Name: Lasagna
Score: B-

Lasagna has had a mixed start in the pointy household. As a ginger cat, he gets reasonable adjustment for being inherently stupid and indeed he has made use of his insanity allowance to the fullest. He has learned that leaping onto the countertop while someone is preparing his food is counterproductive, but he has not yet realised that headbutting the hand of the person who is refilling his water bowl is not the smartest of moves.

Lasagna's gymnastic abilities are well above average however, and his skill at leaping up walls in pursuit of the little red dot are exceptional. His yarn attacks are the stuff of legend and he is able to sabotage any crochet project, however confident the crocheter in question.

Lasagna is showing potential for becoming a high achiever in the cat stakes due to his well developed lap sitting skills, which will no doubt be very useful if we have another cold winter. Overall, Lasagna has some learning to do but is a promising new cat member of the family.

Grade: E

Right Foot is a great team player and works particularly well during pair work; often taking the lead. She usually adapts to a range of circumstances and has been a consistent and down to earth member of the school body.

However.
Right Foot's lack of concentration and flexibility has led to a dramatic break in performance recently, leading to the need for robust support to be put in place and the burden to be placed on her work partner, Left Foot. As a result, many activities have had to be cancelled.

Right Foot has let her team down; the school body down, but most of all, herself.

We do not anticipate a repeat of this year's performance.

These are wonderful OP! Thank you so much for sharing!

Sounds like Lasagna has potential to achieve better next term? And possibly Foot. I'm less sure of Sink though. Perhaps Plumber is the only lesson it will understand?

I will be completing further report cards in due course which I am happy to share in case they inspire better behaviour all round.

School report for Cookie, age possibly 10

Cookie is generally a quiet and responsible member of the household who carries out her scheduled timetable of eating, napping, spreading fur about, occasional vomiting and more napping with serene confidence.

It is therefore disappointing that she went on a 36 hour spree from Wednesday night to Friday morning, sparking a neighbourhood mancat hunt and returning with no explanation and a smug expression.

Room for improvement, Cookie!

C-

I hereby submit the evidenced permanent exclusion request for 'Printer'...

Foot is currently on a support plan. I'm not sure we can exclude fully, even if she fails the plan. Part of her punishment is to have to wear the same boot every day. And nailvarnish has been banned.

@LadyMonicaBaddingham Oh I agree. We have a Printer in this establishment. Multiple warnings and no sign of improvement. Complete disregard for deadlines and failure to perform simple tasks.

Despite this, Printer has been allowed to stay on temporarily whilst the board considers alternative arrangements.

Grade: F

Washing Machine
Grade F
Washing Machine appears to have been fooling us all by pretending to work hard and perfectly fine for the past few months. Now it has failed suddenly and with no apparent reason at all. It is holding on to a large selection of clothes and refusing to give them back.
A specialist may be coming to see washing machine on Friday when we hope it will realise it's error, give back the clothes and behave itself.

Gin and tonic
A

G&T has been an absolute delight this year. They are motivated and enthusiastic and always do their best. They are a good friend and an asset to the class.

Television B+

Television is a very popular and entertaining member of the class. Although at times Television will concentrate on educational persuits it tends to prefer being the class clown and playing games. Television's dependence on their talk partner 'Cable Supply' is not always successful and Television refuses to produce any work if Cable Supply is in a bad mood.

Name: Broadband
Grade: D

Having read previous reports and glowing recommendations, we were excited to have Broadband join us this term.

Unfortunately, Broadband has failed consistently to meet expectations and is performing at far below the expected standard. Multiple support measures have been put in place for Broadband, including time off, re-set and adaptor support. Broadband has also received specialist intervention from the engineer team but unfortunately they were unable to identify the cause of Broadbands issues and so could not put a support plan in place. Indeed they advised that despite the glowing recommendations and the good faith that we placed in Broadband, it appears that Broadband is now in an environment where they may never fully thrive.

As Broadband has now been accepted, we are forced to continue with our endeavours for at least the rest of the school year. At time of report Broadband has more good days than bad although performance remains lacklustre and below par for this area. It has been noted that Broadband does not work well as part of a team and often refuses to co-operate when asked to work with two devices at the same time, particularly if this involves sustained input over the course of an hour or two.

We will continue to monitor Broadbands progress. Broadband should be aware that we will not hesitate to expel them however if the situation has not improved by the end of the school year.

School Report
Name: Pen
Grade: B-

As mentioned in previous reports, Pen is very capable and performs more than adequately on occasion. The issues are more around attendance which is sporadic, bordering on poor.

Pen really needs to understand the importance of being available to step up at all times - not just when it chooses to make the occasional appearance. There have been several occasions recently where Pen was required to perform a simple task - jot down numbers for example - and was once again absent without leave and nowhere to be found. I fear that Pen has fallen into bad company and has been known to hang around with Hair Bobble, Receipt and a group of Loose Coins who are all frankly - heading downhill. Pen would do far better to stay with Bag or Notepad who are excellent examples of well behaved pupils and who are usually present and correct.

Pen's attendance has fallen to below 50% this term which, I am afraid, means that we are in 'Needs Urgent Improvement' territory.

@Mortimermay Gosh you have your work cut out with Broadband. We had a similar issue last term, but thankfully a change in premises meant we were able to welcome a new Broadband to the class and, with the right support in place, this Broadband is performing consistently at an A-. I do sympathise though - and of course they won't take responsibility. It will always be someone else's fault. I'm sorry to say that you may well need to consider sanctions.

@SlightlyJaded Broadband appears to be completely unconcerned about their lacklustre performance and the engineer team did not meet expectations. Indeed their support plan was non existent and they appeared to blame the environment despite the fact that their supervisors had insisted that the environment would be perfect. I do feel that the engineer team have washed their hands of a difficult situation.
Whilst I considered immediate expulsion and any subsequent return of fees to Broadband, unfortunately the deputy head remains optimistic that Broadband will pull their socks up and that a recent report by the aforementioned supervisors bodes well for improved performance. I have pointed out that previous reports with similar claims have amounted to fiction but the deputy head has persisted. The situation remains ongoing and is being regularly monitored.

Ahhh yes @Mortimermay Difficult when the Deputy Head (strange that the initials should also be DH ..?) feels strongly that better days are around the corner. Hope they are right and that you do see a noticeable improvement soon. although my experience would suggest otherwise

Name - Airfryer
Grade- A

Air Fryer has been an absolute delight this term. Air Frier joined the household and immediately integrated itself as a valuable member of the team. It has particularly been a welcome arrival for Oven who, as an elderly member of the team has requested part time hours. Air Fryer has so willingly taken over much of Ovens workload and works in a much more efficient manner. We are all delighted and hope Air Fryer continues with its excellent productivity next term and for the foreseeable future.

@SlightlyJaded my friends son is called August so this makes for entertaining reading 🤣

Name: ADT Smart Alarm
Result: C-

Suffice to say that there is nothing 'smart' going on here at all. Disruptive to the point of rudeness, Smart Alarm emits random noises when others are trying to concentrate, interrupts 'quiet time' with un-necessary chat about installations and alerts and has proved time and time again to be unreliable.

Sanctions are already in place (removal of various function privileges) and we will continue to monitor the situation across the new term.

A disappointing start.