SCHOOL REPORTS FOR EVERYTHING

[SlightlyJaded]

School Report
Name: August
Score: C+

Summary:

As often happens, August started well and we had great hopes for success, but sadly it soon became clear that August had no intention of putting the work in. A lacklustre performance with little to no moments of note. Several days of rain – including very heavy rain – is just one example of how August completely failed to rise to the challenge of being ‘peak summer month’ and as a result caused a great deal of un-necessary and expensive distress to those who had barbeques, weddings, festivals, camping and other seasonal plans. As ever, we had high expectations, and it was made very clear to August that prime events were planned within its month specifically on account of its boastful reputation and excellent historical performance. August has let a great many people down, although no one more so than itself.

It's clear that August would do well to look to fellow months – June in particular – who set fine examples of how to operate and over-delivered and out-performed August at every step of the way.

All in all, a really disappointing show, with little regard for the expectations of such a highly regarded time of year.

August will have to do considerably better next year.

I feel much better for that. I will also be school reporting my piece of shit toaster when I have the energy.

Anyone else?

Name: Eyes
Result: C

In the past 45 years eyes have been a delight to teach and have proven to be wonderful, supportive members of the class. More recently, though, eyes’ attitude has noticeably changed for the worse. They have become lazy and unreliable and their work, which used to be crisp and neat, is now fuzzy and blurry.

I had to enlist the help of glasses in order to get eyes back on track and I hope that with this added support eyes will perform to their full potential again in the future.

If eyes’ performance does not improve I am afraid that we might have to consider special measures and enlist the help of varifocals.

Sorry to hear Eyes has been playing up @PastTheGin. We've had similar incidents here I'm sorry to say.

Good news that Gin and Airfryer are doing so well though. Hopefully they will set an example to the rest who will buck up their ideas!

Name: bloody expensive coffee machine
Grade: C

The quality of Bloody Expensive Coffee Machine's work this year has been very pleasing, when said work is eventually submitted. However, B.E.C.M. needs to work towards developing the important qualities of resilience and independence, rather than panicking over trivial (and sometimes apparently imaginary) problems and demanding attention by constantly flashing different combinations of lights and symbols rather than just getting on with the task at hand.

Name: Sunshine

Grade: U

Sunshine is a persistent absentee and therefore we have been unable to grade their performance due to lack of attendance. In fact, it has been so long since we saw Sunshine that no one can quote remember what they look like and when they do deign to grace us with their presence, it causes a great deal of fuss and disruption due to the excitement of everyone finally catching a glimpse of their elusive friend.

I expect a strong showing in this coming term and a consistent effort as we move into next summer.

Name: lungs
Grade: C

Lungs who had worked at A- for many years have taken a nosedive in performance over the last 3 years completely unrelated to COVID.

Lungs have been receiving support from Symbicort however admittedly this has been sporadic as performance had improved significantly over last 3 months until Friday night at 2.30AM when error mode was activated with much coughing and scratching of throat. Once asthma plan rescue treatment enactment things settled down for the night. However due to utter adrenaline exhaustion 2 appointments missed on Saturday as unable to drive due to fatigue resulting in hairy legs and poor nutrition intake all week.

Acknowledging that owner should have enacted rest of asthma management plan at time and not waited 4 days to start steroids. Anticipated return to A- status by early September but will require support from owner of lungs.

Name owner of lungs
Grade D

Owner of lungs is a highly knowledgeable registered nurse who is very good at giving health treatment and advice to others. Needs to take leaf out of own book at get shit together. Medical support for lungs is not a failure but logical and less scarring to the body in the long term.
Anticipated short term improvement but need to work on strategies for long term sustainable of improvement. Aware owner would be mortified to land in own hospital for treatment of this condition due to own poor management.

Name: Tumble Dryer
Grade: F

In previous years, whilst still on probation, Tumble Dryer has performed adequately, with acceptable output.

However, now probation has ended, Tumble Dryer's performance has nosedived sharply. Whilst rotation work is still being produced, no heating work has been submitted the last few times it was requested.

If no improvement is seen, an expert assessor will need to be brought in to determine whether things can be turned around. If that is not possible, then unfortunately Tumble Dryer will have to leave.