Does anyone else not have any friends?

[Notinthegroupchats]

This summer I have realised despite putting myself out there, being friendly, being warm and making an effort I’m still without friends. All summer I have heard of 40th birthday parties, girls weekends away, families all going camping with each other and yet I’ve not spoken to anyone except work colleagues and my relations since the start of the summer holidays. Not been invited anywhere, no one has texted, sent me a meme or been in touch. I always do the running so decided to hold back to see if anyone contacted me and no one did.
In my 20’s I was really popular, had a massive group of friends and went out all the time. As I’ve got older they have drifted and while other people have stayed friends I have fallen out of favour. I’ve tried to address why this is and people say they thought I’d be busy.

I feel like such a freak. I’m 40 years old, not clingy, smiley, listen a lot, job is good enough, polite kids, not bad looking, keep fit, read books and keep up with the news, have hobbies and take an interest in other peoples interests. All the things people are supposed to like, and I’m not even in a WhatsApp group that isn’t about work schedules or class related stuff. Did anyone go from being like this to having friends later in life.

Well you sound like you have a lot going for you.

I find friendships a lot gentler as you get older if that makes sense? It doesn't have the former intensity but you've known each other a long time.

Perhaps just ask them how they are.

If it helps I am similar - I have just a few long term friends, and it necessarily many invites to things. I guess we are all busy with our own lives. I dont think it’s uncommon. I have friends I’ve met locally - the gym, baby groups - but again I’d say we’re all doing our own lives. Sorry not to offer more help. Hopefully someone comes along with more help.

I get it OP.

Same here - had lots of friends in my 20s but then everyone drifted. I’ve really tried at work and at the school gate but it’s always me making all the effort. I invite people for coffee/lunch and they come along and everything is fine and we have a nice time but they never reciprocate the invite.

Like you I’m friendly, not a needy friend, have interests and plenty to talk about.

I don’t know what the answer is but you’re not alone!!

Yup. I think it has been more difficult as my children are autistic and so never went to school in our local town and when they were toddlers it was really tough to access things. I do work but haven’t yet formed a bond with my new ish colleagues ( I moved jobs in January). I suppose all you can do is keep putting yourself out there.

Thank you for the kind replies and good to know I’m not the only one. Torn between deleting social media so I can’t get caught in the comparison game but wondering of that will isolate me more.
@Youcantakethegirloutofibiza familiar story 😕

I don't have friends either but I don't feel a great need for them, and family/domestic life is too busy to fit them in really (I have young dcs). I like to be the one doing my dcs bedtime routines so I don't want to be going out in the evenings, and the idea of holidaying with other families makes me shudder! I suppose all my social needs are met with my family life and DH so don't feel the need for anyone else.

I used to be more sociable but to an extent it was because I didn't want to be seen on my own with no mates. I care much less about what people think as I've grown older and don't make the effort any more.

Yep same here ,loads in my 20s, always out drinking, playing sport etc. Now apart from my wife's friends have lost touch with them all. Moved around quite a bit for work and now have made zero friends.

I sometimes deactive my account for a week or so but I don’t delete. It allows me to take a break from seeing everyone living the high life when I’m finding Instagram a bit too much - because sometimes it is!!

I spent years of my life in a constant state of heartbreak wondering why I couldn't sustain any friendships. Like you I wouldn't say there is much wrong with me, but I was always the instigator and never really understood why. I arranged play dates that were fun and went well but never reciprocated and the same with meals or drinks out with friends, but it just didn't make a difference. I don't know what changed, but I simply stopped trying. I've recently started to take looking after myself, and doing things I enjoy, a bit more seriously, and have enjoyed filling my time alone. Try and get to this place OP, and you'll be happier. And if you happen to then meet people through doing these things then that's a bonus x

Same here, only time it bothers me is for going on holiday rest of the time I love being able to please myself

I have no friends at all. I've always been socially awkward I'm extremely introverted.

Same over here too! It doesn't bother me too much, but I have deactivated my social media. I look around once a month or 2. If you're continuously looking at it , it's difficult not to compare yourself to others and that you're missing out on things. I've met up with a couple of mums so the kids could play over the summer and that's it really. I don't really want to go out so it suits me.

Perhaps I'm a bit odd as I don't mind being the instigator.

I was saying to someone recently that I don't have any friends in the immediate vicinity and he said "oh thanks" but I didn't mean anything negative towards him

I'm similar but to be honest I find friendships hard work. I do sometimes look at posts on FB and think I wish I was part of a group of friends. But then when I think about the reality it is less appealing. I'm happy with some acquantices rather than close friends. Tbh all the Mumsnet drama puts me off having friends it sounds like a shit show.

However if you do want friends you seem like you are doing the right things I'm sure it will happen 😊

Ok there’s a few of us. I appreciate everyone’s perspectives @grapesandplums thank you - yes peace would be the ideal rather than the wondering what is wrong with me. Glad you have found it.

I'm a mix
Personally I have trust issues
I have one main person I chat daily too and consider the person quite close too me, and we enjoy a good cuppa together.

That said I can chat and sometimes get together with colleagues for card nights but that's usually more on when they can all get together rather than me not being available.

Sometimes I like doing my own activities and being solo, other times I do get lonely and talk to others and talking on mumsnet has helped a hell of a lot to counter my lonelyness at times.

Overall for me its a mix as to my perspectives and feelings on any given day.

I'm the same, i'm 29 and have no friends at all. I have tried at the school gates but somehow everyone else forms a click and then i'm just standing there. Sometimes it gets me down as husband will be getting calls/messages from friends just checking in, or ringing for a catch up but my phone never goes off, no one calls/messages

I have personally come off social media and it helps

Me too. Really brings it home when on my 50th I got 4 cards from family and no messages from friends. The reality is that I have no friends.

I'm with you OP. By two best friends (both from school) both died young and now I really have no one.

Me too. For me it was Covid that did for me. A few months of not seeing friends as much and I realised that nobody contacted me as much as I did them. Then I had a major life trauma in 2021 and noticed even more how few people bothered to stay in touch.

As of this moment I now have no friends - work colleagues and family yes but all my long standing friendships, some of up to 15 years, have vanished. I'm almost 40. It makes me so sad, but now the less I hear from people, the less effort I make in return. It doesn't help that I'm very introverted so making friends always took me a lot of effort.

Long story short, you're far from alone OP.

I have no friends at all. Not one. I had one best friend in school, but we drifted and I've always said if I can't have her back I don't want anybody.
I am only 22.. and I have about 5 close family members and my partner and daughter. Nobody else

@AutumnalPumpkin 💐

Yup. I've had many, different, groups of friends over my lifetime - but they've always been pre-established groups that I've joined (when I've moved school, cities, jobs etc). So I've always felt peripheral.
I'm now a lone parent (no other parent involved), with no local family, and an autistic teen with mental health issues.
I instigate. But my availability is extremely limited.
Its hard.
I honestly don't see myself being able to have a real social life of my own for another 10 years.

Oh I’m so sorry to hear other peoples experiences. It’s bloody hard. @SgtPercyTwentyman sorry for your loss.

@memoriesofamiga yes covid didn’t help at all. It killed the last friendship circle I was kind of part of.